Dick Gerber is a Baby-Rapist

I know I’m being baited. I know it, and I don’t care.

How dare you?

I’ve read a lot of asinine things in the course of writing for this site, ranging from Chuck Norris’ political thoughts to Jay Mariotti’s self-serving garbage. None of that made me madder than just one sentence: “Charlie Conway was the most important player on the Ducks.” He was not. To suggest that he was shows a terrible misunderstanding not only of hockey, but of general human interaction.

Putting aside all hyperbole, I can still state unequivocally that Adam Banks was the most important player on the Ducks, the most vital to their success. Through all three of the Ducks’ greatest triumphs it is Banks, not Conway, leading the way.

Before even getting into who is more important, Banks or Conway, I feel that it is important to make it absolutely clear that Banks was a better player than Conway. In their peewee days this was made abundantly clear; Coach Riley, a Minneapolis peewee coaching legend, said that Banks had the potential to be the best he had ever seen. Even when they entered high school, impartial observers acknowledged that Banks was the better player; coaches Orion and Wilson chose Banks to play on varsity while relegating Conway to JV. There is no question that Banks was the more talented player, and while that goes a great distance towards being the most important, it does not quite clinch it. But the gulf between the two is so wide, and Banks brought so much more to the team than just skill, that Banks is the most important Duck.

Adam Banks’ first peewee team is the Hawks, a talented, well-coached peewee powerhouse. At this time, Conway was merely struggling to stay on his skates as his team, District 5, was mired at the bottom of the standings. Then Coach Bombay showed up, and the Ducks began to turn things around. Even though they were playing dirty, they were able to put together a string of wins, largely attributable to Bombay’s coaching. Things really began looking up for the Ducks when they acquired Banks. Banks was able to put the team on his shoulders and rocket them up the standings and into the playoffs, even earning the respect of his teammates. Charlie Conway spent most of this time whining.

In the Championship Game, Ducks against the Hawks, Coach Riley made clear who he thought was the most important player on the Ducks, the kind of honest evaluation that only an opponent can provide. By having a goon injure Banks, he was clearly showing that Banks was the player on the Ducks that he feared the most, the most valuable, the most important, and the most likely to beat him. I’d bet that having someone injure Conway never even crossed Riley’s mind. If Banks had been able to play that whole game a late penalty shot never would have been necessary, it would have been put out of reach much earlier.

When the Ducks represented the United States in the Junior Goodwill Games, even Charlie Conway acknowledged that Banks was more important than he was. As Banks was returning from injury (yes, another team decided that he was the one they needed to take out with a cheap shot, not Conway), there was no available roster spot, and Banks’ place had been given to the knucklepuck kid. Here Conway, recognizing that Banks was more vital to the team’s success, gave up his own roster spot so Banks could dress for the game. Naturally, Banks went on to score the winning goal in the shootout, clinching the gold medal, while Conway looked on in street clothes from the bench.

When the Ducks go on the play at Eden Hall, further proof is given of Banks’ greater importance to the Ducks. While Banks is on the varsity team, the Ducks struggle considerably, despite, and at times because of, Conway’s presence. They blew an enormous lead against a team that they should have beaten handily, with the final, tying goal coming after Conway lost the puck while trying to pad his stats. Then the JV decided to play a game against Banks’ team, the varsity team, and got smoked. It was a massacre that devolved into a brawl.

Several days later, after an appearance by Coach Bombay, the Ducks again faced off against the varsity, only this time Banks was back with his old team. The results were markedly different, as Banks miraculously stopped the Varsity captain from scoring on an open net to set up the game winning goal. There were only two differences between the Ducks’ lineup that beat the Varsity and the lineup that got annihilated: Dean Portman, and Adam Banks.

Adam Banks was the very definition of valuable; simply put, when he was with the Ducks, they won, and when he wasn’t, they lost. The same can’t be said about any other player, not Conway, not Goldberg, not either of the Bash Brothers, no one. Banks was the most important Duck, bar none.