Blagging

My colleagues here at Suffering Idiots have recently brought to my attention the fact that I have been lagging in my blogging as of late... blagging if you will. This got me to wondering: what exactly would I have to do to be fired from a job where I don't clock in, don't get paid, and don't even have to bathe regularly? Allow me to hypothesize.

1. I could use this forum as a platform to launch my own personal agenda counter to the agenda of Suffering Idiots.

Now, since just about anything goes here (as our two and a half regular readers must know), it would have to be something beyond 'Jesus is the bee's knees.' Beyond 'Country music is vastly superior to all other forms of music for these one hundred and fifty-two surprisingly specific reasons.' Beyond even 'Jews are controlling the media by trading foreskin snippets to their alien overlords in exchange for access to secret government satellites that Beyonce built with the prototype of that robotic hand she had built for 'Single Ladies.''

2. I could personally insult each and every contributing member of Suffering Idiots.

Sure, I could tell everyone that Gimpy beats off to 'Walker: Texas Ranger' fan fiction. I could mention in one of my posts that Dick Gerber is some strange combination of chocoholic and megalomaniac who is compelled to eat his own likeness constructed from Cadbury Eggs every night and then purge on the garden beds of those who have slighted him, but I value this little corner of the internet too damn much. And, quite frankly, it would just be below me to claim that Quip and Bernard have an off and on relationship of a Biblical, Websterian, Necronomical, Encyclopedic, and Craigslistonian nature.

3. I could neglect my duties to Suffering Idiots to the extent that it has become detrimental to the blog.

This is a tricky one because I can't simply not post. I have to not post to the point where my name on the side of the web page becomes simultaneously confusing and enraging to our readers. "How dare that Winston Driftwood keep his name on the masthead without posting anything since the week of Suffering Idiots' inception? I've been a loyal reader of this fine site for the past 32 years, damnit!" (Self-fulfilling prophecy anyone? hmm?) I would have to become a vacuum of creative non-existence, funneling attention away from my more diligent co-contributors through inaction. I think I just might be up to this non-task if I didn't put my mind to it and double-negatived my way out of this heading with no discernible segue or ending...

Believe it or not, this is my apology post. Not to my fellow Idiots (they're a bunch of Jew-alien kotowing chronic masturbators) but to you, the reader, who has no doubt been pining for my literary presence. I resolve to be a better Idiot in 2009.