Exchanging Lineups

A is for Ashburn
Whom I never saw play,
But loved on the radio
Joining Harry’s play by play.

B is for Brogna
My childhood hero.
Probably explains
Why I'm still such a zero.

C is for Cole,
Carlton reborn.
Two lefties leaving
The batter forlorn.

D is for Dallas Green
Played for both; K'ed nary a hitter.
Didn't stop there - -
For both, became a Skipper.

E is for Eisenreich
A rightfielder with pluck.
Had a powerful arm
And shit, bitch, ass, fuck!

F is for Franco
The first New York captain.
Fuck Derek Jeter
And the Yanks while we're at it.

G is for Gary,
Sarge and his hat.
Equally good
With a mic or a bat.

H is for HoJo
And the '86 Series.
Waiting to get back there
Is making me weary.

I is for Inky
And his mighty swing.
Joe Carter sure robbed him
Of that World Series Ring.

J is for John Olerud
Hit for the cycle - - how you like that?
They say that his swing
Was as hard as his hat.

K is for Kalas
The voice of the Phils.
His call of Game 5
Provides nothing but chills.

L is for Losingest
The very first season set the mark.
Even still, rooting for the Mets
Takes a lot of heart.

M is for Moyer,
The ageless wonder.
Looking for a fastball
Is quite a blunder.

N is for no No-Nos.
Bleeders, bloops, and frozen ropes,
Teams always hit at least one,
And I'm starting to lose hope.

O is for Owens
And Pat Gillick too.
To each man fans owe
A heartfelt “Thank you.”

P is for Piazza;
Most dingers ever for a 2.
Still wish Mike speared Clemens
With the broken bat he threw.

Q is for quaint,
Which the Vet never was.
But the roar from the top
Would give visitors pause.

R is for Rich,
As Lenny’s become;
Steroids or cash,
He has quite the sum.

S is for Stocker
His career peaked in ’93.
But I still have his rookie card,
It’s mint condition. Fuck me.

T is for Tug
A Phil and a Met.
Ya gotta believe
He’d be a safe bet.

U is for Utley,
World Fucking Champ.
Is an MVP next
For this loveable scamp?

V is for Valentine
And his Eye Black mustache.
Said Sayonara for Japan
And now is swimming in cash.

W is for Williams,
The Wild Thing, Mitch.
If only he’d never
Been brought in to pitch.

X is for Xavier
A short-lived, but great Met.
Brought a tear to my eye
When they sent him to Pitt.

Y is for Youth
Much of mine I passed
Watching the Phils
Struggle in last.

Z is for Zambrano,
Not the good one, but Victor.
Fuck you, Steve Phillips.



Dick and I wrote this, inspired by this Ogden Nash Poem. I wrote the first letter, and from there we alternated. We're both better at poetry than Winston. Baseball starts soon. Get excited.

Thumbs 3: Because 2/3 of a thumb is better than no thumb at all (or what I learned from playing with fireworks)*

Thumbs Up: Facebook. Last week they changed their design, and people have been bitching about it. Well, people bitch every time that Facebook makes even the slightest change. Those people need to calm down a little bit. I appreciate that Facebook continually tries to make itself better, even knowing that, at minimum, a vocal minority of its users are going to whine about it before even giving it a chance.

Thumbs Down: Matt Drudge. I realized recently that I would pay close to four hundred dollars for the opportunity to punch Matt Drudge in the face. He’s an asshole, and if anyone deserves to be hit, it’s him. Seriously, he lost his show on Fox News because that network was uncomfortable with how he was manipulating facts to support his anti-abortion agenda. Yeah, he was too disingenuous for Fox News. He’s an ass.

Thumbs Up – Suffering Idiots writers who write their Thumbs contribution on time. Thumbs, for those of you who may not know, is a collaborative effort among myself, Gimpy, and Dick. We collectively dropped the ball last week, but we’re limping along at two thirds strength this time around. Hey, last time I checked a tricycle that was missing a wheel was called a bicycle and that was good enough for our ancestors back in the Old Country, damnit!*

Thumbs Down – Ringback tones. Yeah, I didn’t think people still had them either, but they do. At my job, I probably make between 25 and 50 calls a week and a frighteningly high ratio of those calls involve Beyonce or Lil Wayne blaring in my ear. This is by no means a Thumbs Down to those artists; however, the ringback tones that feature them are often of poor quality and inappropriate volume. I would much rather hear a simple ring to let me know my phone is working than T.I. telling me that the person I’m calling is having so much fun chilling with him that s/he might not be as quick to answer as they would normally.

Thumbs Up: Sunshine. Apologies for this obvious thumbs up, but let'snot underestimate how terrific it is to be out of the winter woods.It's finally getting dark after 7pm. As a teacher who's in school by7am every day and out no earlier than 3, I was down to a measly 2 hoursof sunshine per day for a solid 2.5 months there.

Thumbs down: Chalk. I love March Madness, but I hate when the top seedswin. For the first time in the history of the tournament, all of the 1,2, and 3 seeds from every region made the Sweet 16. Beyond that, therehaven't even been that many exciting games overall. Some of the gameshave been close, but by and large the team that should have won has won. Where's the fun in that?

*At the time of this posts initial publication, Dick Gerber had not yet submitted his Thumbs. Although he did sneak them in this afternoon, let's make sure to shame him anyway.

Sunday Night Baseball

I was all set to write about this Barack Obama, Special Olympics thing that’s been going on. I was several paragraphs in, and it was really good. But I had to stop writing it. Something even more retarded was happening. United States vs. Japan, WBC semifinals. It was on ESPN. Jon Miller was calling the game. Joining him in the box? Joe Morgan and Steve Phillips, baseball's answer to Matt Millen and Mike Millbury. Get excited, everyone.

Derek Jeter is playing short. I understand why the Yankees do it: they don’t have anyone better. But Jeter is the third best defensive shortstop on this team, at least. Mark DeRosa is better defensively than Jeter, and he’s playing first. I’m pretty sure Evan Longoria played short in college, and he’s on the bench. But worst of all, Jimmy Rollins, gold glove shortstop, is DHing! If they really feel the need to play the Captain, why not have him DH, and let Jimmy play defense. He can go left.

Here are some things that Joe Morgan and Steve Phillips have said:
* Team USA is going to win because they’re mentally tough. Also, Roy Oswalt, the starting pitcher, added as an afterthought.
* Bottom 1st, 2-0 count, did they just cut Joe Morgan’s mic? I really think they did.
* Joe Morgan is talking about middle infielders being able to play other positions. I love it. Stick to what you know.
* Joe is comparing Adam Dunn to Ted Williams. VORPies everywhere are rejoicing.
* I’ve blocked them out at this point. It’s good to be back in midseason form.

I should respond to Gerber’s post the other day about David Wright. I’ll give him credit for playing hurt, he’s American hero, and seeing him knock in Jimmy was harmonious. In two weeks he’ll go back to being a fascist pederast.

McDonalds is advertising on Japan’s batting helmets. Seriously.

Top 3, Jeter grounds up the middle, Japanese shortstop goes to his left, throws Jeter out, making the captain jealous.

Fukodome really isn’t a good defensive center fielder: misplaying the Wright double off the wall and the Jimmy single in the first. Him being an all-star last year was a joke.

Bottom three: really nice play by Wright fielding a bunt, Scott Rolen esque. No joke, it was just really nice. Cue text from Dick: “somebody suck David Wright’s dick right now!” Oh, and then he throws the next ball into right field. He must have been distracted.

“Slidepiece” – Steve Philips, bottom 4. That means it’s baseball season.

America is losing, though they could have had a much better team. Real Team USA lineup, cause I’m bored:
Rollins – SS
Wright – 3B
Utley – 2B
Teixeira – 1B
Braun – LF
McCann - C
Sizemore – CF
Markakis – RF
Rotation of Hamels, Halladay, Sabathia, and Lincecum, with Lidge, Nathan, and Papelbon in the bullpen. Iannetta, BJ Upton, Mark DeRosa, Evan Longoria, and Josh Hamilton on the bench. Charlie Manuel managing.

JRoll works a walk top five, after being down 0-2. He’s an American hero, 2-2 with a walk. Right after that, David Wright strikes out looking, proving once again that he hates America. When asked for comment after the game he was unable to speak, seeing as how he was choking.

Wrigley Field was built for a Federal League team. Just saying. Also, I’m looking into reports that dinosaurs were actually made up by the CIA to discourage time travel. Carl Everett hasn’t disagreed with this.

I pay much better attention when the team I’m cheering for is winning. America winning: riveted. America down, but threatening: watching, but with music playing. America down, Japan batting: game on in the background, reading about Tamerlane.

No Met has ever thrown a no-hitter. I’m terrified that will change this year. Ed Wade is still in charge down in Houston, the Astros will probably be no hit a couple times this year. But he’ll probably also trade Roy Oswalt to the Phils for Travis D’Arnaud and a veteran middle reliever.

How many HRs would Sadaharu Oh have hit over here? 500? Fewer than that?
Matsui averaged a homer every 16.58 at bats in Japan, and one every 25.82 over here, for whatever that’s worth. I mean, you still have to factor in things like his natural decline with age. Bill James should tackle this, not me.

Actually, after looking, someone did. This guy says 527. I think that may be high, especially considering he would have started his career in the 60s, when pitchers were just steamrolling. But since this guy did math, I’ll defer to him.

Jimmy, top seven, stand up triple. 3-3, BB. ‘Merica. Stranded as Wright goes down swinging on a 55 foot pitch. If Al Qaeda had a flag (assuming they don’t) it would be blue and orange.

Joe thinks the US should bring in some minor league pitchers. I’m not here to disagree with him. I say we should have gotten Stephen Strasburg into this tournament, and just unleashed him. He’s clearly heads and shoulders above the competition he’s facing at SDSU, and I really want to see him. Triple digit velocity, he’s gonna tear shit up in the pros. Barring Mark Prior Dusty Baker stuff.

Bottom 8, runner on third, two out, ground ball in the hole to short, Jeter fields it, throws high and wide, runner safe, run scores, three run deficit. Now things are really falling apart, it’s 9-4, but most importantly, all Jeter’s fault. He’ll be leading of the top of the ninth.

And we’re back. Yu Darvish on the mound, Jeter at the plate. Yikes. 6-3. One out. Darvish has a weird delivery. Not Nomo weird, but there’s an interesting little hesitation there, or something. He’s young, too. I wonder how much the Yankees and Red Sox are gonna offer up as posting fees. Jimmy got another hit. 4 for 4. As Jon Miller said, “Jimmy Rollins has played like a World Fucking Champion tonight.” I may not have gotten that quote exactly right. Wright struck out though. That’s his third strikeout. KKK? I don’t think that David Wright has ever denied being a member. Something to consider. And Adam Dunn makes the last out, crushing American hopes. Where is baseball’s Mike Eruzione?

Finally, because I wrote it already, and I would hate for it to go to waste, here’s something I had to say about this whole Special Olympics thing: And now they want Obama to hire a Special Olympics athlete to work in the White House. Wasn’t eight years of Bush enough for them? Suck it, Jay Leno.

The 'Merican 'Mazins

Since it seems as though this blog unabashedly favors the Phillies (and I've lost many hours of sleep attempting to find Mets stories to right this ship - - without success) I am jumping at the opportunity to post this tidbit about David Wright.

Basically, Wright played through what he thought was a broken toe (X-Rays ended up being negative) during the WBC game against Venezuela even though the game meant squat dick to team USAs overall success in the tourney.

Now, as a Met fan, am I pleased about this? Not fully. I'd rather him be healthy for a full season that matters. However, he says he would have played through this in the middle of the season, too. And he knew that the only healthy replacement on the bench was catcher Brian McCann.

So even if Wright loses a game or two from this display of manliness (and it doesn't look like he will) could I really be upset that he chose to represent help out our national team? Well considering I made apologies for Rey Ordonez and Luis Lopez after they both missed games from injuries that resulted from a fist fight on the team bus that broke out over a glove - - no, I can't fault David for loving 'Merica.

PS - How did we not have a 'Merica tag yet? For shame!

Sharpening the Saw

I can’t imagine what it would be like to have lived before the Internet. Yeah, I was alive before it was really widespread, but it’s been around for most of my life. I just feel like people would know so much less without it. It makes so much knowledge so widely available, it’s really just an awesome thing. The Internet was throwing all sorts of things at me today, almost overwhelming the two hours I have between classes.

Weird things have been happening all over the place. First, Rome. Or en route to Africa. Whatever. The Pope said stuff here. He was right, then he was wrong. First he said, correctly, that simply distributing condoms in Africa wouldn’t fix the AIDS crisis over there. It would be a good place to start, but he’s right, it’s not some panacea, there will still be AIDS. But then the Pope said something that, had I not been accustomed to the crazy that spews from his mouth, would have made my head explode. He said that distributing condoms would make things worse. He didn’t say how this would happen, probably because the only rationale for such a crazy stance would be that Jesus would come down from heaven wearing a flaming suit of armor to duel a fourteen foot tall AIDS monster on the moon, but all the condoms in Africa would weaken him (they’re his kryptonite), and the AIDS monster would win. I think that’s the only way that distributing condoms would make AIDS a bigger problem.

Buried within that same article was another asinine statement from the Pope. Speaking about the global economic crisis, Benedict has called for international solidarity with Africa, but has no specific solutions. Maybe he could give some of the trillions of dollars that the Church has squirreled away in art and crap throughout Europe to poor people. Jesus told the tax collector to give all his possessions to the poor, remember it’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get to Heaven, so maybe the Church, and I recognize that this is crazy, should do what Jesus was saying.

Shifting gears, the BBC has done some pretty sketchy research, and they’re saying that Cleopatra may have been at least part African. They came to this conclusion by looking at the remains of someone who may have been her sister Arsinoe. Of course, these bones could just as likely, if not more likely, belong to someone else entirely. But the skull that they’ve been looking at has a lot in common with Egyptians and Africans, instead of the Greeks from whom Cleopatra was originally thought to have been descended. There isn’t enough here to make me believe that Cleopatra was anything other than Greek. But it wouldn’t surprise me if this did turn out to be true. Cleopatra was the first Ptolemaic ruler of Egypt to actually know Egyptian, and a bunch of other languages as well, so it would be kinda cool if she were part African as well.

Ok, dinosaurs. I’m going to start with the less cool one to build things up. Researchers in Alberta have found a small dinosaur, the smallest carnivore in the United States, which is basically a miniature raptor. It’s less than two feet tall, with claws and teeth, and strikes me as being just a little ball of hatred. This is another dinosaur that I wish were still around, as there are all sorts of possibilities for amusement. First, of course, Michael Vick would probably own like 80 of these things. And it would be crazy to watch them fight. Maybe others could be domesticated, and people could have these little dinosaurs as pets. I just think that would be pretty cool.

But the much crazier find is some sort of giant sea monster that people have found in the arctic. Referred to as Predator X, a type of pliosaur, this thing must have been the apex predator of its time, pretty much just invincible under water, as long as it wasn’t fighting a Megalodon (and it wouldn’t because they lived in different areas). Predator X, as I’m going to keep referring to it, was fifty feet long, more than ten feet of which were devoted to its skull. And mouth. Hell, its teeth were each about a foot long. But the best part about it is its jaw strength. Predator X could snap its jaw shut with 33,000 psi of force. For the sake of comparison, the average PSI of an alligator, pretty much the modern gold standard, is 3,200 psi. Humans can muster about 150 psi, and lions and tigers can top 1,000 psi. Hell, scientists estimate that the average T Rex could only bite with around 8,000 psi. Predator X was just animalistic. It would still probably get wrecked by a Megalodon, but it still must have been a pretty cool animal

Thumbs 2: Thumb Harder

Thumbs Up – The Netherlands. The Sidney Ponson-led baseball juggernaut knocked the Dominican Republic out of the World Baseball Classic, and managed to make Jose Reyes look like a bitch in the process. At least the choking was condensed to one game here, rather than the entire month of September.

Thumbs Down – Davey Johnson, manager of Team USA in the WBC. For some reason, Johnson keeps giving Derek Jeter playing time over Jimmy Rollins. This bothers me not only as a Phillies fan, but also as an American. Rollins is great defensively, Jeter can't go to his left. Jimmy can run, and hit for both power and average; Jeter is declining asa batter. Team USA is better with Rollins on the field.

---
Thumbs Up- Spring Break. I teach for a living, and after any given week I'm ready for a week off. When I finally get that week off (as I will starting after school on Friday) it's heavenly. And this particular one is especially so as it features St. Paddy's day and the start of the NCAA Tourney. It doesn't get much better than that.

Thumbs Down- The week before Spring Break. Holy hell. If my kids are usually shit heads, then they are like shit heads on crack this week. This happens every time (the week before Christmas break was the longest week of my life)! I stood in disbelief while a 16 year-old stormed out of my classroom screaming "You got me fucked up!" because I told her to wait 5 minutes before I let her go to the bathroom. Aren't kids adorable?

---
Thumbs Up – www.sporcle.com. Far and away one of the best ways to kill an afternoon on the internet. Sporcle caters to the quizmaster within us all, challenging its viewers to name all of the elements on the periodic table or World Series Champions in sequential order. The categories vary from Movies to Geography to History; there really is something for everyone. So sit down by yourself or with a group of your friends (like most things in life, Sporcle makes for an excellent drinking game) and try to name all of Batman’s nemeses. Just don’t let your teacher or your boss catch you.

Thumbs Down – Dunking. I know that dunking is one of the cornerstones of this great country of ours and that all Americans are entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of mad air, but there’s a time and a place for it. Stories of premature dunking and the heartbreak they cause are rampant this week. St. Mary's was down 2-0 before the tip off against Gonzaga after a technical foul for dunking in warm ups. Even worse is this story where Harlem’s boys basketball team travelled 168 miles just to forfeit a game after one of their players broke the backboard with a pregame dunk. The coach basically told his kids, “I know it’s against the rules, but everyone else is doing it so go crazy. What’s the worst that could happen?” Turns out the forfeit of a division game and a quick trip to the loser’s bracket is the worst that could happen. I hope you feel real smart.

Heads Up

I just want to make sure everyone saw how the US - Venezuela game ended last night, specifically who got thrown out trying to steal second base in the ninth inning. Remember that until Friday, so I look like a fucking prophet.

The Church, and idiocy

Kang: Abortions for all!
Crowd boos.
Kang: Very well… no abortions for anyone!
Crowd boos.
Kang: Hmm… abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!
Crowd cheers
- Treehouse of Horror VII

Yeah, going there again. I really don’t understand the thought process that goes into a lot of the decisions the Catholic Church makes. It’s like they decide what the logical course of action would be, and then go in the opposite direction. Seriously, how do things like this keep happening?

First, there’s a pretty sad case coming from Brazil. A nine year old girl was raped by her stepfather, became pregnant with twins, and had an abortion. Abortion is illegal in Brazil except in cases like rape or when the mother’s life is in danger. Both of these exceptions are present in this case. Any guesses who the Church excommunicated?

Most people, I imagine, would guess that the rapist step-father was the one kicked out of the Church. However, as Rome has reiterated many times over the last couple decades, raping children really isn’t that big a deal. The stepfather gets to stay in the Church, and, if he takes Holy Orders, may end up presiding over an Arch Diocese somewhere.

No, rather than side with logic and compassion, the Church instead decided to excommunicate the doctors who performed the operation, and the girl’s mother. What the fuck? Does anyone think that this is a good idea? Brazil is one of the most fiercely anti-abortion countries in the world, but even most Brazilians are appalled by the Church’s actions here. Nothing about the Church’s decision makes sense.

Seriously, can’t we just calm down about abortion. It’s a legitimate medical procedure, and if you think it’s wrong you don’t have to get one. Over two hundred thousand woman are treated in Brazilian hospitals for problems spawned by illegal abortions every year. I doubt that anyone has any idea how many illegal abortions go unreported. This is obscenely dangerous; when one out of every three pregnancies is unwanted, people are going to be having abortions. It’s the government’s responsibility to offer a safer alternative to a wire hanger in a Sao Paolo alley.

Barack Obama is also catching shit from the Catholic Church, this time over his decision to fund stem cell research. The Church says he’s just doing this to help drug companies, because I guess there’s no way that being able to regenerate cells would help anyone ever. The Church says that Obama is choosing politics over ethics, which I guess is one way to look at this, albeit a retarded way. I feel like this is something that the Church is going to apologize for opposing in like six hundred years, after some hellbound scientists have cured Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, and most spinal cord injuries.

I’m going to give Jon the last word on this Church stuff:

"I'm tired of all this from-down-on-high bull, I don't really understand the people who get to make these rules up. It doesn't make any sense that they should be able to decide the fate of someone's soul, based on an interpretation of a translation of a translation of a collection of passages from a series of possibly unrelated documents passed down through generations that were supposedly written via the influence of an invisible spirit. Honestly, I think Church doctrine has been interpreted more often and far more loosely than our own Constitution, and the conservatives all applaud their 'hard lines' on dogma when it's pretty plain that it’s being manipulated for the hierarchy's benefit."

You know who's a dick?

Robert Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe. Yeah, bold statement, isn’t it? But seriously, he’s a douchebag. Look at some of the things he’s done: he’s redistributed land, leaving his country starving, he’s completely killed the value of the Zimbabwe dollar, he’s stayed in power for over twenty years through all sorts of questionable methods, and he’s just not a good ruler. And then last week he may have been involved in arraigning an assassination attempt on his Prime Minister, who is also the leader of the opposition party (and who actually beat Mugabe in a Presidential election last year). The Prime Minister, whose wife died in the attack, has said that it was just an accident, and there was nothing sinister about it. Meh, he probably has to say that just to stay alive.

Anyway, the funeral for the wife, Susan Tsvangirai, was today. And Mugabe went! Not only did he go, but he spoke there! What the hell? Come on, if there’s a cloud of suspicion hanging over you, stay the fuck away. Of course, Mugabe used this platform to say it wasn’t his fault, calling the accident “the hand of God.” That’s bullshit. Seriously, I don’t understand how Mugabe has been able to get away with being an asshole for so long. Look at Guinea-Bissau, leaders are getting killed in Africa all the time. How has no one put a bullet in his head yet?

Unrelated, but here’s something else that bothers me. When you look at something that lists all the US Presidents in the same place, and has a picture of them, the same picture is used for Grover Cleveland for his no-consecutive terms. I think that he should get different pictures. He had to have looked different, Obama is aging pretty dramatically already, so let’s represent his Presidencies with different pictures. He deserves it.

Oh man, it's almost time for baseball

Seriously everyone, baseball starts soon. Real baseball, not the WBC, not grapefruit and cactus leagues, not A-Rod or Clemens or McNamee, the good kind of baseball. Baseball is really cool, and has been for more than a century. During that time people have been saying cool things about baseball. I’ve put together a list of my 26 favorite non-Yogi Berra quotes. Why 26? If you’re reading this you already know the answer to that.

26. The whole history of baseball has the quality of mythology – Bernard Malamud

25. Bob Gibson is the luckiest pitcher in baseball. He is always pitching when the other team doesn’t score any runs. – Tim McCarver, back before he became unbearable

24. The screwball's an unnatural pitch. Nature never intended a man to turn his hand like that throwing rocks at a bear. – Carl Hubbell. This quote is doubly important, because it underscores the threat that bears represent.

23. He (Darryl Strawberry) is not a dog; a dog is loyal and runs after balls. – Tommy Lasorda. Fuck the Mets. All of them, ever, except for Tug and the Dude. But yeah, fuck the rest of them.

22. No matter what I talk about, I always get back to baseball. – Connie Mack. Yeah, me too.

21. Some of these guys wear beards to make them look intimidating, but they don't look so tough when they have to deliver the ball. Their abilities and their attitudes don't back up their beards. – Don Drysdale. The last sentence there just seemed absurd.

20. Every day is a new opportunity. You can build on yesterday's success or put its failures behind and start over again. That's the way life is, with a new game every day, and that's the way baseball is. – Bob Feller. Kinda uplifting.

19. When I began playing the game, baseball was about as gentlemanly as a kick in the crotch. – Ty Cobb. How angry would Ty Cobb have been if he had played in the 80s and was just snorting mountains of coke all the time?

18. It's such a beautiful sport, with no politics involved, no color, no class. Only as a youngster can you play and as a pro can you win. The game has kept me young, involved and excited and for me to be up here with gems of baseball – Jack Buck. So much better than Joe Buck.

17. Washington – first in war, first in peace, last in the American League. – Charles Dryden. Classic.

16. If they worked as hard at their jobs as I do at mine, this country wouldn’t have the inflation problem it has now. - Mike Marshall, on booing fans.

15. I like radio better than television because if you make a mistake on radio, they don't know. You can make up anything on the radio. – Phil Rizzuto. He was a cool guy.

14. The kid doesn't chew tobacco, smoke, drink, curse or chase broads. I don't see how he can possible make it. – Richie Ashburn. Also a cool guy.

13. People ask me what I do in winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring. ~Rogers Hornsby. Also, he tries to make Tom Hanks cry.

12. I think I was the best baseball player I ever saw. – Willie Mays. I love the ego here. I also love that it’s probably true.

11. Anybody who's ever had the privilege of seeing me play knows that I am the greatest pitcher in the world. – Dizzy Dean. Again, pure ego. Less true though, unless he said this in 1934, cause that year he probably was the best pitcher in the world. Except for Satchell Paige.

10. Since 1946, the Cubs have had two problems: They put too few runs on the scoreboard and the other guys put too many. So what is new management improving? The scoreboard. – George Will. I don’t care if it makes me a bad person, I love that the Cubs have sucked for so long.

9. Baseball becomes dull only to those with dull minds. Today’s game is always different from yesterday’s game. – Red Smith. Seriously, baseball is so cool.

8. Ninety percent I’ll probably spend on good times, women, and Irish whiskey. The other ten percent I’ll probably waste. – Tug McGraw. Yeah.

7. I remember one time going out to the mound to talk with Bob Gibson. He told me to get back behind the batter, that the only thing I knew about pitching was it was hard to hit. – Tim McCarver. I love Tim McCarver being put in his place.

6. Sure, I screwed up that sacrifice bunt, but look at it this way: I’m a better bunter than a billion Chinese. Those poor suckers can’t bunt at all. – John Lowenstein. But seriously, if you’re in the majors you need to be able to bunt. Come on.

5. In the end it all comes down to talent. You can talk all you want about intangibles, I just don't know what that means. Talent makes winners, not intangibles. Can nice guys win? Sure, nice guys can win - if they're nice guys with a lot of talent. Nice guys with a little talent finish fourth and nice guys with no talent finish last. – Sandy Koufax. But what about David Eckstein?

4. It is the sport that a foreigner is least likely to take to. You have to grow up playing it, you have to accept the lore of the bubble-gum card, and believe that if the answer to the Mays-Snider-Mantle question is found, then the universe will be a simpler and more ordered place. – David Halberstam. ‘Merica.

3. He was thrown out trying to steal second; his head was full of larceny but his feet were honest. - Arthur “Bugs” Baer. I just love this one. It makes me laugh every time I see or hear it.

2. You always get a special kick on opening day, no matter how many you go through. You look forward to it like a birthday party when you're a kid. You think something wonderful is going to happen. – Joe DiMaggio. I can’t wait.

1. Yeah:

Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays

I really don’t like Twitter. I find nothing worthwhile in the idea, and believe that it is killing America. It also gives me headaches, especially when things like this become an issue. Because of Twitter users whining, pronouns are becoming an issue again. This shouldn’t be happening.

CNN gives the sentence “Everyone loves his mother,” and then goes into all sorts of things that people are trying to say instead of “his.” “His” is correct. “Her” would also be correct, and it doesn’t bother me at all if you use it. If you say “their” I’m going to lose respect for you. If you say “his or her” I won’t be able to take you seriously. And if you say “ip,” I won’t show you the courtesy of finishing the conversation; I’m going to have to be as far away as possible, because the profanity is going to be coming. Just choose one, his or her, and stick with it. No one whose opinion matters is going to think you’re a misogynist for saying “his;” instead, they’ll understand that you speak English well. We’ve managed to get through centuries without a pandering gender-neutral pronoun, and Twitter is no reason to change.

It’s a good thing that the world is in such good shape right now; our economic success is permitting the Illinois State Senate to tackle important issues, like Pluto’s classification within our solar system. A couple years ago people who have spent their entire lives in Astronomy decided that Pluto was not a planet, but rather had more in common with other dwarf planets in the Kuiper Belt, and should thusly be considered. And as much as elementary school mobiles would disagree, they were right. Pluto doesn’t revolve around the sun on the same plane as the other planets, and crosses Neptune’s orbit. It’s not very big, and is actually smaller than Eris, another dwarf planet. There’s really no good reason to consider Pluto a planet other than nostalgia. But the Illinois Senate isn’t going to put up with scientists’ nonsense, Pluto is going to be a planet because they want it to be, to hell with everyone else. Whatever, fuck them, I can’t really get as mad as I would like when politicians do dumb things anymore.

Since I’ve been writing about things that are dumb and things that make me mad, I feel like I need to close this by tying everything together, and write about something that’s both of these things. Or someone. Ok, Joe the Plumber. This is a little bit old, but it still bothers me. Joe is suing people. Putting aside my certainty that at some point in the last five years Joe has bitched about frivolous lawsuits and other right wing talking points, Joe is suing officials in the Ohio government for searching through databases for information about him after his dumb ass was made famous during John McCain’s desperate attempt not to seem out of touch with ‘Merica. Joe says he can’t plumb (that can’t be the right verb) because Democrats might say he did a shitty job just because he’s a Neanderthal. Er, a Republican. Now, it’s probably more likely that they would say he did a shitty job because he doesn’t so much have a plumbing license, but that seems to be irrelevant to Mr. Wurzelbacher. And as much as he sucks, his last name is fun to say. Not that that’s relevant. But yeah, so Joe is suing, claiming harassment and emotional damages and all sorts of other nonsense, and he may win, but really everyone is going to lose, because he’s found a way to stay in the public spotlight for just a little bit longer.

Where have you gone, Ken Tremendous?

Baseball is back. It’s happening right now, and I couldn’t be happier about it. Hell, it’s not even real baseball, it’s this World Baseball Classic nonsense, but I don’t care. Seriously, it’s baseball. Of course, baseball brings its own baggage with it. Yeah, there are steroid stories and crap, but I don’t care about any of that. It doesn’t bother me. What really annoys me is that now that baseball is back, the idiots who get paid to talk about it are back too.

I was watching the Dominican Republic thwomp Panama Sunday, despite Carlos Ruiz’ best efforts, when I was ambushed by Steve Phillips. Yep, the Steve Phillips that ESPN thinks is going to save Sunday Night Baseball from Joe Morgan (he won’t. If Jon Miller can’t make up for Joe Morgan, I doubt anyone can. Maybe not even Harry Kalas. And poor Jon Miller, what did he do to deserve both Morgan and Phillips in the booth with him?). He came out of nowhere, and really bothered me for like an inning and a half. But I quickly got back into regular season shape, and before I knew it I wasn’t hearing him anymore. It was glorious. And then Gary Thorne struck! I normally don’t have a problem with Gary Thorne, and I’m not positive that it was him; it may have been just one of those ubiquitous voices that they seem to grow in Bristol. Whatever. On to what he said.

Panama was up in the top of the sixth, down 5 to 0, one out. At the plate was Julio Zuleta, whom I’ve never heard of, but the announcers were hyping him as a pretty powerful hitter. After Zuleta hit a pretty deep foul ball, Thorne said, “Right now Panama needs some base runners. A long ball with nobody on isn’t really going to do anything for them.” Or something like that. What the hell? You know what a home run does for them? It gives them a fucking run. What does a walk or a single do? Yeah, it puts a guy on base, which would have been nullified when the next batter grounded out to Tejada, which could have been an easy 5-4-3 double play. It’s not bad to put a run on the board; a home run is pretty much always preferable to a single. Yeah, this has been done pretty much to death. But seriously, people, even Tim McCarver is coming around to understanding this. Scoring runs is better than not scoring runs.

Thumbs: The Beginning

Thumbs Up – Thumbs. It’s such a good concept when done right. Basically all that’s required is a short paragraph explaining why something is awesome or something sucks. Most of the time I struggle to write more than a paragraph about something, so this is pretty much the perfect format for me.

Thumbs Down – Loyola Greyhound’s execution of Thumbs. Freshman year of college, Thumbs was one of the biggest drawing points of the Greyhound, usually read right after the police blotter. In the years since, it has gone drastically downhill. Anonymity of the writers, vapid subjects, and moral crusading have all contributed to Thumbs’ position as just another article to be ignored. I think we can do it better here.

Thumbs Up – Michael Cera. Talks have again picked up about an Arrested Development movie after Michael Cera has finally signed on, presumably having been reminded of what made him famous and where his bread was buttered in the first place. There's no way that this movie could possibly be a bad idea.

Thumbs Down – John Hodgman. Dude lambasted the word "meh" on Twitter (bonus thumbs down to twitter which need not be elaborated upon) saying it was "the essence of blinkered Internet malcontentism. And a rejection of joy." And what do I have to say about John Hodgman waxing etymologic? Meh.

Thumbs Up – Snow in March. Our West Coast readers (Hah!) might not appreciate this one, but I can’t think of a better way to start a month than with a snow day, a rare occasion after graduation. I’ll take a morning of shoveling over eight hours in a cubicle any day.

Thumbs Down – Comedy Central’s Roast of Larry the Cable Guy. Remember when you had to be a respected and successful comedian over the course of a lifetime to deserve the honor of a roasting by your peers? You do? Would you please write a letter to Comedy Central then? Roasts have consistently gone downhill since the transformation from “The Friars Club Roast…” to “The Comedy Central Roast…” Jerry Stiller deserves a roast. One could even make an argument for Jeff Foxworthy, but Larry the Cable Guy’s only claim to fame is an appeal to a niche audience of rednecks and stupid people and a couple of wretched movies.

Italians start making moves; not related, but Earth almost gets fucked

Oh, science. Apparently, the Italians have realized that I’ve been right all along, and that scientists weren’t doing enough cool things. Most of them seem to have shrugged off my scorn and went back to conjuring up tiramisu recipes, or whatever they do over there, but one guy stepped up. Ok, maybe I had nothing to do with this, cause he started being awesome years ago, but the story is out now. Anyway.

Severino Antinori, a crazy motherfucker, is now claiming that he helped bring three cloned children into the world. According to him, and no one else, Antinori took cells from three sterile men and, using the process of nuclear transfer, impregnated some women. He says that there are now three children, two boys and a girl, who are each nine years old, healthy, and living in Eastern Europe.

This is pretty awesome, but also cause for concern. No, I’m not talking about the ethical implications of cloning; those really don’t bother me. Instead, I want to know why this guy was able to clone people almost ten years ago, but the last time other scientists tried to clone something, that Ibex, it didn’t even last an hour. This guy needs to help other scientists out so that everyone can be on the same level. He can bring so much more awesomeness into the world.

Alright, so try not to freak out, but a fucking asteroid passed within 38,000 miles of earth. That’s like a fifth of the distance between earth and the moon. It’s barely twice as far from earth as our communication satellites are. It could have been a disaster. Why the hell didn’t we hear about it until after the asteroid had passed?

Ok, so the asteroid was only about forty yards wide; rather than killing everyone off, it would have just messed a lot of stuff up. But seriously, why wasn’t there any sort of warning? People had to have known that this was coming. What the hell?

Bill Donohue Should Have Been Aborted

President Obama has nominated Kathleen Sebelius, the Governor of Kansas, to fill the role of Secretary of Health and Human Services. She seems to be a brilliant woman and an excellent governor, and, provided that she’s done nothing to draw the IRS’s ire, you would think she would sail through the confirmation process. But anti-abortion people are getting pissy about it.

I’m going to get my biases right out in the open out front: I don’t like the pro-life movement. I think that, for the most part, they’re insufferable, hypocritical assholes. The headmaster where I went to middle school and high school, Father Shea, was one of the worst of this type of person. He was staunchly pro-life, and did his absolute best to indoctrinate each of the students. Every January he would organize a trip to the Pro-Life March in DC, and he would basically bribe students to go. He chartered coach busses and gave plenty of free time in DC after the march; it was basically a day off school. He would even cancel school that day if more than half the student body would go, adding an element of peer pressure. He would do all of this just to swell the numbers at this rally. But seriously, what the hell does a sixth grader know about abortion? At no point in the 7 years I went to his school was the other side of the issue presented at all. It was all just shameless brainwashing. And how can people, like President Bush, claim to be pro-life, yet have no problem sending people to be executed? It just doesn’t make sense to me. And the rationales behind it, all that nonsense about souls and things, it’s just terribly inconsistent with the First Amendment. In fact, the more I think about it, the more certain I am that these people hate America. If you personally think abortion is wrong, that’s fine, and I have no problem with it. But shut the fuck up, and stop trying to legislate it away. I’ve never heard a good reason for outlawing abortion that was independent of religious beliefs, and I probably never will.

Anyway, these anti-abortion people are giving a lot of shit to Sebelius in this confirmation process. Bill Donohue, president of the Catholic League, called her an “enemy of the unborn.” Putting aside how cool a title that is, incendiary rhetoric doesn’t really serve a purpose. Does Donohue have any statistics to back up his argument? If he did, I doubt I would have this bad a headache. Rather than point to any sort of empirical study, Donohue says that Sebelius has been criticized by the last three archbishops of Kansas City. So what? Honestly, if a Catholic politician hasn’t gotten shit from the Church he probably hasn’t been doing a very good job in office. And the archbishop of Kansas City? How many little boys do you need to molest before being put in charge of such an off the beaten track dioceses? Probably between four and nine; double digits and they just give you a posting to the Vatican.

More rational Catholics, notably Catholics United, were quick to shed light on one of the pro-life movement’s biggest foes, the truth. First, they pointed out that Sebelius is on record saying that she personally opposes abortion. Then they point out that Sebelius has lowered abortion rates in her state, offering incentives for adoption and offering more care for pregnant women. Anti-abortion crusaders point out that Sebelius vetoed a bill that would tighten restrictions on abortions. I guess they weren’t really concerned by its unconstitutionality and the dangers it posed to women’s lives. I guess they think the world would be a better place if abortion were a crime performed by hobos charging half a sandwich and a bottle of malt liquor in alleys with rusty wire hangers.

Whatever. People are going to get all up in arms about this, it’s not going to do any good, Sebelius will be confirmed, and we can all forget about it until Obama makes his first Supreme Court appointment. Maybe during the interim we can go back to actually respecting the Constitution.

Sports Stuff

Well, break is over, and it went by way too quickly. It’s refreshing to get new classes, I was pretty sick of Contracts and Civil Procedure, but some of these classes last for an hour and forty minutes. That’s way too long. I really miss the 42 minute long classes from high school.

Anyway, on to important things. Saturday I watched a baseball game. Rays at Phillies, a spring training rematch of the World Series. It was awesome. Not that it really matters, but the Phillies won, smoked the Rays, it wasn’t close. The Fightins put up about five runs in the first inning off back to back doubles a from J-Roll and Shane, and then three home runs, from Howard, Mayberry, and Cairo. The Phils never looked back from there, putting up more runs as the game progressed to keep the Rays from even getting close.

Kyle Kendrick pitched pretty well, getting the start and going 2 and 2/3rds innings. But I really don’t want him to be the fifth starter. I know that he racked up a decent amount of wins over the last two seasons, but his benching last year was absolutely merited. Opposing hitters have figured him out, and he doesn’t have the stuff to make that a non-issue. With Brad Lidge, you can know the slider is coming, but you’re still not going to hit it. Kendrick can’t get by like that at all. He doesn’t have a put away pitch, and gets absolutely killed by left-handed hitters. He gets a decent amount of ground balls, but when he leaves pitches up in the zone they invariably end up in the outfield seats. He’s not starter material, as much as the Phillies seem to be trying to convince themselves that he is.

The other contenders for the fifth spot in the rotation are Chan Ho Park, JA Happ, and Carlos Carrasco. Park is just generally underwhelming, and I think that he needs to start the year in the bullpen. As for Carrasco and Happ, I would be content with either of them in the rotation, but would prefer it if the role went to Carrasco. He has the stuff to be a second or third starter; plugging him into the last spot in the rotation would let him slowly grow into that role. Happ is probably just as capable of starting as Carrasco is, but I would rather see him in the bullpen. First, I would rather have three RHPs in the rotation; adding Happ to Moyer and Hamels would make the rotation a too heavy on lefties. Plus, with Romero forced to serve this bullshit 50 game suspension, Scott Eyre is the only lefty reliever the Phils have right now, and although he pitched well last year I’m still not sold on him. Happ could step in and work either long relief or as a lefty specialist.

Ruben Amaro has said that the Phillies are pretty much done with free agency, so I guess they will fill out their roster from within. The starting lineup is pretty much set, and a handful of players are all but guaranteed bench spots. I’m curious about what the Phillies are going to do about adding a right-handed bat to come off the bench: Dobbs, Jenkins, and Stairs are all lefties. Bruntlett is a righty, but doesn’t really offer much power. This need may be filled by Chris Coste, who seemed to have been replaced when the Phils traded for Paulino. However, I would like to see the roster spot go to John Mayberry. He’s a former first round pick, acquired this winter for Greg Golson, with pretty good power, and decent athleticism too. I would like to see what he can do if given a shot at the majors.

The other sports story that has captivated me centers around Steve Downie. I love Steve Downie. I remember watching the draft as the Flyers selected him, and even though the announcers said they went off the board to get him, it seemed like a good pick. I can’t say that I was especially upset when he crosschecked his juniors teammate, Akim Aliu, in the mouth, cause he probably deserved it. When Downie made the Flyers last season, I was thrilled. But the NHL had to ruin that, suspending him for 20 games because he made Dean McCammond cry. After serving his suspension, Downie spent some time with the Phantoms before being called back up. In another career highlight, he punched Jason Blake in the face while officials were restraining both of them. Blake whined about it, as did TSN, but I was ok with it. Anyway, early this year Downie was sent to Tampa, along with Steve Eminger, for Matt Carle, a great trade for the orange and black. The Flyers came out so far ahead in that deal that I wasn’t even that upset to see Downie go. It’s not like he’s been staying out of the spotlight.

Yesterday Steve Downie was indefinitely suspended by the AHL for abuse of an official. I can’t find the video anywhere, but apparently during a faceoff he slashed a linesman across the shins. He was immediately ejected from the game, and now faces another twenty game suspension. This is bullshit. Yeah, Steve Downie is a little bit crazy. Also, again, I haven’t seen the incident. But seriously, fuck this. There’s no doubt in my mind that Downie was going for the puck. It was a faceoff, these things happen. The refs just overreacted because of Downie’s reputation. If Downie had actually wanted to hurt the linesman he’s crazy enough that he would have just punched him in the face. People need to lay off Steve Downie