Apocalypse when?

I just finished reading Cormac McCarthy’s post-apocalyptic novel The Road, and it was one of the best books I’ve ever read, probably on a level with Confederacy of Dunces, even though those books couldn’t be more dissimilar. Anyway, allusions are made to the event that devastated the world, and the whole plot flows from it, but McCarthy never says exactly what happened. So for the past couple days this has gotten me to think about the apocalypse, probably more than I should, and I’ve put together a list of the top five cataclysms that, if they ended the world, probably wouldn’t upset me too much.

5. Yellowstone Volcano
Yeah, so evidently there’s a huge volcano sitting underneath Yellowstone National Park. Who knew? It doesn’t look like a typical volcano, like Vesuvius or anything, but apparently it’s really powerful. Recent earthquakes have started to make scientists a little nervous that it might be getting ready to erupt. You wouldn’t think that a single volcano could end all life on earth, but since some scientists believe that volcanic eruptions killed off the dinosaurs, I wouldn’t call it impossible. I don’t know why, but this just seems cool to me. I’m weird.

4. Rapture/Tribulation
I’m ok with this happening because I won’t be around to have to deal with it; God is going to bring me up to Heaven with Him, and all you suckers are going to be left behind. Then, as if that’s not bad enough, you’ll have to deal with the tribulation: seven years during which the Anti-Christ rules on earth. So I’ll be learning how to play the harp while you suckers are dealing with the combined wrath of God and the Anti-Christ. So there’s that.

3. Ice Age
Climatically, we’re apparently in an interglacial period, ten or twelve thousand years that sort of serve as a respite from the unrelenting cold of an ice age. Worst of all, we’re towards the end of that period. So pretty much at any time, we really have no way of pinpointing when, it’s going to get really cold. As temperatures plummet, crops will die, and animals too. Glaciers will come south as mountains of snow accumulate; it may get so bad that life could only exist in the oceans. That would suck, but the global warming irony might make it worthwhile.

2. Mayans
So the Mayans think the world is going to end on December 21, 2012, or something like that. I actually changed my mind about this, it’s about as dumb as Nostradamus. The Mayans are all dead now, so they clearly weren’t that smart.

1. Zombies
This is clearly the most likely manner by which humanity will cease to exist on Earth. For years the government has been covering up zombie uprisings, and so far they have done a good job. This can’t go on forever though; eventually an outbreak is going to happen too fast, and become too widespread too quickly, that the government will be powerless. Things will spiral out of control, as the number of zombies increases exponentially, and humans decrease in turn. It’s going to get ugly, but at least I’ll be ready. I really want to kill zombies. And if I have to die, I want to be killed by a zombie. Just remember, when this happens, destroy the brain, it’s the only way to kill a zombie.