Thumbs 9: One Thumb Short of the Most Awkward Double-Fisted Handshake Ever

Thumbs Up to the Orlando Magic. Though they stumbled in Game 5, they are causing enough, hysterical strife for all the loud-mouth Cavs band wagoners to make me happy. And my bet is that they're exponentially increasing the chances that Lebron is a Knick in 2010.

Thumbs down to these Ass-Hats http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/Movies/05/28/ent.movie.smoking/index.html
Cocksuckers want any movie with smoking in it to be rated R, as they might incite youth smoking. At the same time, why don't we rate any movies that show children being lazy as NC-17 and burn any movies that blaspheme.

Thumbs Up: Terminator Salvation. Infinitely better than the third installment despite the lack of nearly naked robot-women. It's so satisfying to finally stop pussy-footing around the actual war with machines and see Christian Bale put a bullet in a metal skull.

Thumbs Down: Work After a Long Weekend. I don't care that it was only four days in “actual time,” it sure felt like a regular week of getting poked in the eye by beaurocracy. The miserable weather didn't help anything, but sources report that that, at least, will change in the next couple days.

America lives to fight another day...

During the first episode of this season of 24, I confidently predicted that Jack Bauer would die. I quickly began to doubt myself, but resisting the urge to backpedal, I told one of my roommates of my prediction and let it simmer.

Weeks passed and I said nothing. I couldn't fully believe that a network show would betray every guideline of cookie-cutter writing and kill off the series protagonist (in a still-viable series), but I didn't rescind my prediction.

And then, months into the season, things began to fall into place.

There was a biological pathogen. There was confirmed exposure. There were seizures. There was the refusal to attempt experimental treatments. There were the tearful goodbyes.

And then, there was the curtain. And the assertion from that dumb bitch Kim that she would defy her father's wishes. And there was also the research of my shrewd roommate who pointed out that Keifer Sutherland had been signed to a three-year contract last year worth $40M.

So that brings the tally to:

Rupert Murdoch- 1
My failed attempts at clairvoyance- 0

I'm better at Christianity than you

Leviticus doesn’t care if you gay marry. Well, that guy might, but he doesn’t matter. The important thing to know is that Jesus doesn’t care. Seriously, it wouldn’t bother Him at all. He even said it. I swear, it’s in the Bible. Fine, I’ll prove it.

Jesus was, by all accounts, a pretty good guy. It’s really a shame that the 2000ish years after He died have been filled with dumbasses and shitheads perverting everything He said. Like, the Crusades. Does anyone think that Jesus would have approved of that? Going by what He taught, I’m going to guess not. But that’s not the point. I’m going to tell you the religious dogmatic justification for gay marriage.

First, I guess we should know what biblical passage douchebags base their opposition. The most quoted source is Leviticus 18:22. It says, “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind; it is abomination.” I’m using the King James Version of the Bible, here and throughout this post, because it seems pretty well respected. Anyway, for those of you not familiar with Leviticus, it’s basically of book of God giving a bunch of rules to Moses that I guess weren’t important enough to be included in the Ten Commandments. That’s essentially the whole book, just God telling Moses what the Jews could and couldn’t do. One rule says that a priest must marry a virgin (I’m pretty sure a priest wrote the book), another says that you can’t eat animals like hare, coney (never heard of it, but it’s probably delicious), or pigs.

Clearly people have been pretty selective in deciding what rules of Leviticus to follow. That’s because, and I absolutely believe this, most really religious people are awful hypocrites; it starts with the Pope and extends downwards through Catholicism, and just rampages through protestant and evangelical denominations. These people seem to have forgotten the disdain Jesus had for hypocrites. But just because people that don’t want to allow gay marriage love eating bacon doesn’t mean that Leviticus doesn’t matter. Leviticus doesn’t matter because Jesus said it doesn’t.

I don’t understand why people are so willing to go back to Leviticus when there are other sources, specifically the Gospels. Well, I do, it’s because the Gospels don’t give them the answers they want. Matthew 22 deals with all the laws in Leviticus. Jesus is being questioned by a bunch of Pharisees and Sadducees, and these guys are pretty big assholes. After Jesus annihilates the Sadducees, an uppity Pharisee tries to trick Him. He asks Jesus what the most important law is. Jesus answers, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. “ (22:37-39). Nothing about not marrying another man, nothing about not eating pork, nothing about priests marrying virgins. Why? Because all of these rules are ridiculous. Seriously. If you want to get married, or have gotten married, who are you to stop someone else? I’m not saying that this invalidates the 10 Commandments or any of that nonsense. They’re consistent with this. Don’t kill anyone, because you wouldn’t want anyone to kill you. The same goes for stealing from them, or lying to them.

Jesus just wanted people to stop being dicks. No one remembers that. John 11 says that Jesus wept when He heard that Lazarus was dead. He must be bawling over the current state of the Church.

All Star Team

The Phillies have been playing the Nationals this weekend, and it’s been going well. The Nationals are not a good team. I thought about how they could be better. First, they should accept that they’re not going to win this year, and actually let the younger players play. They never should have sent Milledge down, that was just idiotic. And now he has a broken hand. But then I started thinking about how cool it would be if someone could have Roy Hobbs play for them. That naturally led to me making an entire team of fictional movie baseball players. Way too much time and thought went into this:

Leading off and playing center field is Willie Mays Hayes, who’s just a pure leadoff hitter. He has great speed, both on the bases and in the outfield.

Batting second and playing third base is Benny the Jet Rodriguez. He’s pretty much the perfect choice to hit second, for his ability to move runners. If he was able to put a ball right into Smalls’ glove, he’ll be able to hit behind a runner or second, or take advantage of the hole that would open up with a first baseman holding Hayes. He also has a lot of speed, just look at that nickname, and will spend a lot of time on base.

Batting third is my shortstop, and possibly the best hitter on the team, Joe Hardy. If a guy sells his soul to the Devil for his ability, he better be great, and Hardy was, hitting over .500 in a stacked American League. Seriously, Satan-given talent, he’s good.

The cleanup hitter in this lineup was probably the easiest choice to make, right fielder Roy Hobbs. When he walks down the street people look up and say, “There goes Roy Hobbs, the best there ever was in this game.” You know you’re hearing the music in your head right now.

Protecting Hobbs in the lineup is another power hitter, first baseman Clue Haywood. Although he couldn’t lead the Yankees past the Indians for the pennant, he did hit for the Triple Crown. He’s an intimidating veteran presence in the lineup.

Batting sixth is the catcher, Crash Davis. I have issues with Bull Durham. Davis was a switch-hitting catcher with power from both sides of the plate. There’s no way he wouldn’t have had a major league career. It just doesn’t make sense.

For the seventh spot in the lineup, I’m shifting a natural centerfielder to left: Kelly Leak. Yeah, he’s young, but there’s a lot of upside here. I mean, he hit over .800 for the Bears. Plus, he has a Harley.

The eighth spot in this lineup, second baseman, was the hardest to fill. I ended up choosing Tanner Boyle, converting him from shortstop. He’s young, but really not all that good. Really, I see him as the David Eckstein of this team. He’s gritty, plays hard, and is hilariously offensive. I don’t know if that last part is true for Eckstein, but I like to think it is.

The ninth spot in the order is filled by the pitcher. If I’m making up a team, it’s a given there won’t be a DH. It’s un-American.

The ace of my pitching staff is Billy Chapel. If someone can throw a perfect game in his last career start, there’s something special there. Hall of Famer.

The second starter, the Sain to Chapel’s Spahn, is another Hall of Famer, Henry Wiggen. Also, it doesn’t hurt that he’s a pretty good guy.

The third spot in the rotation goes to another young player with a lot of upside, Nuke LaLoosh. Having Davis on this team will really help him reach his potential.

The fourth starter may be somewhat controversial, but is really just a winner, and deserves a spot on this team. Kit Keller may not have the ability of Nuke or some of the other starters, but she’s a competitor.

Rounding out the rotation is another veteran presence, Chet Steadman. He may not be The Rocket anymore, but he can still put batters away.

Closing for the team, which as I type this really needs a name, will be Rick Vaughn. His nickname is the Wild Thing, he needs to close. He even has a theme song!

Also in the bullpen are Henry Rowengardner, John Rhoades, Duke Temple, Jim Bowers, who in addition to being a good reliever is a great clubhouse presence, and Mel Clark, who hopefully will be just as good without Angels backing him up.

On the bench are Moonlight Graham (I broke my one rule about real people because I really wanted him on this team. He’s gotta play at some point.), Pedro Serrano, Marla Hooch, The Whammer, Jake Taylor, and Lou Collins.

Managing this team is another easy decision: Jimmy Dugan. I’m pretty sure this team is unbeatable.

Thumbs VIII: Roman Numerals Are Cool

Thumbs Up: Summer. It’s the greatest. It just has absolutely everything anyone could ever want. Seriously guys. Summer.

Thumbs Down: The McCain family. Like, three generations of them. I don’t care what any of them think. John McCain hasn’t been interesting since 2002, his daughter has never been interesting, and I would have bet several vitals organs that his mother was dead. But they’re all consistently in the news. I don’t care if Meghan McCain thinks Karl Rove following her on twitter is creepy. I don’t care what any of them think about Rush Limbaugh. Please, just go away.

Thumbs up: Transformers 2. Never has there ever in the history of celluloid been a better crafted franchise than the current Transformers genius that has seen fit to grace us with its divinity. Cars? Becoming robots?! You just get the fuck right out of here! There is absolutely no way that I don't not enjoy this movie! (Editor's note: We at SI hear that Michael Bay and Dreamworks are using any means necessary to promote their new movie. This is in no way related to the Thumb you just read.)

Thumbs down: The Preakness. Nobody likes a half-assed effort. Pimlico is a hellhole, but for years it was an unabashed hellhole. It was striving to be the greatest hellhole among the hellholes; the lowest circle of the hell; the leg of the Triple Crown with the longest and wettest run of the Port-o-Johns. But now they've pussied out, and are not letting anyone bring their own booze in, thus negating the entire reason why anyone would pay $55 dollars, wait in line at 8am, and stand in piss, beer, and (probably) semen for a horse race. 'Tis a shame.

Thumbs Up: Sleeper Sitcoms. As the new TV season winds to a close I thought it might be time to honor those shows that refuse to die. Sure, we’re all excited about The Office, Lost, and Scrubs, but did anyone know that According to Jim was still on the air? Seriously. New episodes. I wouldn’t watch it myself, but bravo for outliving the ‘God took the wrong Belushi’ jokes. And Two and a Half Men? How did that become everyone’s favorite show (in syndication on at least one additional network plus new episodes) when no one I know watches it regularly? Today I salute you, cockroaches of the sitcom world.

Thumbs Down: Megan Fox. Not for any particular reason. Maybe I just want to be the first man to publicly turn her down. Actually, now that you mention it, I am kind of sick of her being lauded as the-next-female-action-star and the-next-Angelina-Jolie. Personally, I think she’s got a weird face (I never thought Angelina was anything special either, so maybe they got that right) and from what I understand, from browsing her Myspace page not too long ago, she’s dumb as a brick and not too shy about it.

Commencement Address for Graduating Education Majors

The following was inspired by the commencement address on Deadspin today.

Good evening to you all, and first, a heart-felt congratulations to all of you here today. You are about to set out on a remarkable journey beset by challenges and filled with triumphs. I am envious of the experiences that lay ahead of you. In a way.

You have asked me here tonight to perhaps bestow some of my wisdom upon. I will gladly oblige. After all, you are all education majors (what are the odds?!) and have therefore publicly demonstrated your penchant for making terrible life decisions.

I mean come on, people! The only major more worthless than Education is Communication; you are in rarefied air of stupidity.

The best teachers in the world have not taken the most education classes; they've taught the most classes. Be honest: how many times in the past four years have you pretended you couldn't read in order to better learn how to read? A dozen? More? Do you think you learned anything from that other than how to act like you can't read? That will help you guide the futures of tomorrow's leaders.

I don't care how many times you've read Harry Wong, there is no procedure for when a kid shits on the floor. And if you want to be taken seriously, stop taking your best advice from a guy named Wong.

So, without further ado, allow me to give you some life lessons about teaching I have learned in only a year.

Your students will not appreciate what you do. During the Magic/Celtics game tonight, they showed a clip of a player speaking at a local middle school about the dangers of smoking. You'd think the little shitheads would at least be excited about being out of class. Then, a mascot did a trampoline dunk in their gym, and no one fucking clapped. Not one of those future homeless bastards clapped.

There is no better metaphor for your upcoming career.

If you teach 8th grade, don't. 8th graders are evil incarnate. They don't give a shit about anybody, but themselves. This wouldn't be a problem unto itself, except for the clusterfuck of hormones accompanying their solipsism. I hated my own blood when they were this age, I in no way would voluntarily subject myself to someone else's failed abortion in this miserable period.

There's only one solution to this. If you're a male teacher, get a vasectomy so you don't perpetuate the problem. If you're a female, sell your eggs; you'll need the cash anyway.

Do not bring your work home. See if you can follow this logic: your kids don't do their homework, why should you have to?

Mind the German factory system. The American public education schedule was established using the German factory work day as a model. In the winter, I was always in school before the sun rose and my own apathy to my job and affection for my couch was all that got me out of that decaying building before sundown.

Summer is a sacred observance. Remember how ecstatic you were at the first day of summer? The sun always shined on the last day. Someone always had a pool party and ordered pizza, no matter how old you were. You realized you could sleep in the next day, play baseball in the afternoon, and not treat a relative stranger as a parent for the better part of the day.

Now take that feeling, multiply it by a hundred, pop a Vicodin, and get a blow job from a mail-order bride and that's almost as great as the first day of summer feels when you're a teacher.

Parents are the enemy. Know it now: you are always wrong. If a student calls you a fuckin' faggot on his way out of your room while he kicks the glass pane out of your door punches a whole in the wall, you better not have the audacity to call his mother. For if you do, she will storm into your classroom and reach deep down into your soul to tell you exactly why you don't get it and where your parents went wrong in raising you. And it will probably happen while the class in front of you has gotten quiet for the first time all week. Just know it now, it will make it easier to swallow.

Conflicting standards. I told my students they needed pencils in my class. They grumbled that they couldn't afford them. Then they all pulled out their Sidekicks and Blackberries and texted their parents that they needed pencils. The brain fragments from my exploding head did not please the front row of students.

Teachers are at school more than you ever thought. I am on contract to be in our school building 20 days longer than the students. That's almost 3 weeks. That's a lot. That's a fuckload of time "teaching" without having anyone to teach. And the usually happen on Fridays. God forbid anybody get a 3 day weekend.

Worse yet, these days are populated by the same meeting in repetition. These Groundhog Days, these Sisyphean nightmares are all the same. You have a faculty meeting in the morning where all of the fatasses on your faculty have assembled a cardiac arrest spread with every sugary breakfast nugget and diabetes-inducing liquid they could find. Your principal starts off the meeting by praising you for your effort, then tells you what they're going to try to do to make sure the 20 person brawl that happened yesterday won't happen again. You'll recognize immediately that their suggested plan will do nothing, and you'll zone out.

Your body carries itself off of the cafeteria bench you've been occupying for the last two hours by the influence of the others moving around you, and only your physical motion pulls you out of your trance. You retreat to your classroom, counting down the hours until it's acceptable to disappear for a short while for lunch. You saunter about the school searching for coffee, quietly so as not to draw attention to yourself, but quickly because it's harder for an administrator to hit a moving target with bureaucratic bullshit.

You return from lunch and doctor the sign out sheet so it looks like you were only gone for a half hour. You turn off the lights in your room when you get back. When you're found there you'll claim it's because you prefer daylight. Really you don't want to be found.

When you finally can, years later, leave the school that day, you'll find the happy hour nearest your house and get loaded, pausing briefly to eat and stopping fully at 10pm, when your used-to-rising-at-6am-body decides it doesn't want to play anymore and shuts down for the night.

For you are a teacher, and that is what you have chosen. And you'll start the whole thing over again on Monday. Why? Because you hate yourself.

Enjoy your upcoming careers. You've made a fulfilling choice.

Happy Mothers' Day

I just saw this on CNN, and had to say something about it. They’re about to talk about President Obama’s speech/performance at the Correspondent’s Dinner last night. They showed the clip of him saying something like, “My next 100 days will be so successful that they will only last for 72 days. And on the 73rd day, I will rest.” Then the anchor came back on, saying that Obama was making fun of himself, others in his administration, and Republicans. Yeah, he did do all three of those things. But he was also making fun of the media. In fact, that’s who he was mocking in that quote. In the leadup to his 100th day, he was pretty forthright in acknowledging that it wasn’t a real milestone or anything, just a pure media creation. But the media kept pushing the hysteria. Between watching last night, and watching today, they’re just not acknowledging that the joke is on them too. It’s about as bad as watching Sarah Palin on SNL as Amy Poehlar (yeah, there’s no way I’m looking up how to spell that correctly) rapped about how much of a joke she was.

Speaking of Sarah Palin, I’m so good at segues. Also, at least last night Wanda Sykes was getting a lot of shit from the morally superior, humorless talking heads on MSNBC. Yeah, some of her jokes were mediocre, that was to be expected, she’s a mediocre comedian. But they weren’t offensive. The joke about Sarah Palin and pulling out seemed to bother some people. If you’re one of those people, fuck you. Yeah, it really sucks for her daughter that she got pregnant, and then couldn’t have an abortion because of her mother’s political ambitions. Or her religious convictions, whosever bullshit you want to believe. But if Bristol is going to be a national spokesperson for abstinence, she’s fair game for jokes.

As for Sykes’ jokes about Limbaugh, meh, fuck him. She wasn’t saying anything more offensive than he says on a daily basis. Back to studying. Happy Mothers’ Day.

Thumbs 7: A Day Late and a Thumb Short

Thumbs Up: Great Britain. This week the English released a list of about 20 people who they just wouldn’t let into their country. I think that’s awesome. Seriously, some people, like Fred Phelps, are just worthless, and there’s nothing to be gained by letting them in. Britain is on to something. Of course, this has stirred up controversy, as conservative talk show host Michael Wiener (not a dick joke, that’s Michael Savage’s real name! Ok, it’s also kind of a dick joke.) is on the list, and vows to fight it. I hope he wins, I don’t want him in my country.

Thumbs Down: Myspace. I mean facebook. It’s tough to tell the difference. Two of my friends are fans of weekends? Seriously? Who the fuck doesn’t like the weekend? Over 600,000 people are fans of laughing. Because I guess the other 7 billion people on earth hate laughing? People also need to stop taking those stupid fucking quizzes. I don’t care what STD you’re best represented by, or whatever. There seem to be fewer and fewer reasons each week to stay on facebook.

Thumbs up: Canadian hockey. HA! Hockey is the desert sucks after all! The Coyotes (formerly the Winnipeg Jets) are bankrupt and might get sold back to Canada. HA! A friend of mine once pointed out the lunacy of having hockey teams located below the latitude where ice naturally freezes. Hopefully this begins the recession of hockey back up North and the simultaneous recession of Gary Bettman.

Thumbs down: Blow Jobs. OK, I don't really mean that. But I'm trying to convince myself that I might. Someone recently put one of the more trying would-you-rathers to me: would you rather go the rest of your life without eating cheese (all types of cheese, from breakfast danish to pizza to fondue) or without getting head (sex is fine and so are HJs, but no dome shots)? I've now gone so far as to try to approximately quantify my marginal gratification from each occurrence. This could get serious.

Like I needed another reason not to like the Red Sox

So Manny Ramirez was suspended 50 games for testing positive for steroids. Let’s be honest, he was probably cheating in ’04 and ’07. Whatever. David Ortiz and Jason Varitek were almost definitely on steroids too. I don’t care. The Phillies still won in 2008. See:



Haven’t posted that in a really long time. Still great. Anyway, it was pretty fun to read Bill Simmons today. I’m pretty sure he spent most of today fighting back tears. But really, this isn’t a big deal, and Manny will still almost certainly get into the Hall of Fame eventually. But if they let in all these steroid users, and they’re going to have to, I really want to see Shoeless Joe and Pete Rose in there. Also, what the fuck, how is Jose Canseco never wrong about anything?

Lots of other things have been happening, but since I’m stuck in the middle of exams I feel like I’m missing everything. Some stuff is just too omnipresent to avoid.

Bristol Palin seems to be just as narcissistically attention-seeking as her mother, and is pretty much dominating the internet with her abstinence campaign. Yeah, good luck with that. I’m sure if they get Shawn Kemp on board they’ll really change some lives. Is she really being held up as a role model?

Somebody on TV said that Joe the Plumber was leaving the Republican Party. I don’t know if I’m more surprised that the GOP is still around or that Joe is. I won’t miss either.

Jon Edwards is in the news a lot now too, I guess because his wife’s book is being released. And his lady friend wants a DNA test for the kid. Yeah, this is something else that I just don’t care about.

Um, Kiefer Sutherland headbutted someone? That’s actually pretty cool. Sometimes people just need to be headbutted.

People still seem to care about Miss California. I still think the woman that won was hotter.

Mormon’s baptized President Obama’s mother after she died. That’s weird, but not a big deal. I can’t imagine that’s something that God is really gonna be bothered by.

Some people are pissed off that Michelle Obama wore shoes that cost more than five hundred dollars. Fuck that, she’s a millionaire, she can afford them, good for her.

Brett Favre isn’t going to play for the Vikings. At least that’s what he’s saying this week. Next week, who knows?

The Marlins keep losing, making instant-history ESPN hosts look even more like assholes. It’s a shame they couldn’t play all 162 games against the Nationals. I know it would never be ok, but I kinda wish MLB had relegation. The Nats are not a major league team.

Gary Bettman is fixing the NHL playoffs. You can’t convince me otherwise.

Seriously, Shoeless Joe Jackson needs to be in Cooperstown. Honestly, I kinda think that Roy Hobbs should be too.

Probably the best baseball movie that no one has heard of is Bleacher Bums, starring the brother from Everybody Loves Raymond. It’s basically just a group of people sitting in the bleachers at Wrigley making bets about the game. It’s incredible.

Solipsism is a pretty fun-sounding word.

Every time I ride the subway I think that might be the day I start my successful gypsy career.

I’m sick of hearing about Arlen Specter. He was fun for like twelve minutes. That ended.

I’m almost done with my first year of law school, I think that gives me a pretty good shot at being named to the Supreme Court.

President George W. Bush has been raising a ton of money for his Presidential Library. This only confirms that he probably is a really cool guy, just a terrible President.

I’m pretty sick of PETA. People need to leave Mike Vick alone. There are Superbowls to be won with him and Tim Tebow on the same team, on the field at the same time, co-running a double wildcat offense. It just sucks that Bill Belichik is going to be the only coach daring enough to give it a shot.

I recently finished Joe Morgan’s autobiography. It was awesome. He’s a terrible broadcaster, but a pretty cool guy. Some great stories in there, my favorite being that on the 83 Phils Gary Matthews would usually be taken out of the game around the seventh inning for a defensive replacement, because by that point in that game he was usually too hammered to play. Gotta love Sarge.

So yeah, there’s been a lot of news that I’ve barely been paying attention to, but I don’t feel like I’m missing much. Thumbs tomorrow, I promise.