Top 10 things that have happened in my life since the NL won their last All Star Game

10. I graduated from elementary school, middle school, high school, and college.
9. I turned 11.
8. I traveled to 12 different countries.
7. Found out for sure that Santa isn't real.
6. Started picking out my own clothes. Every morning.
5. No one tells me when to go to bed anymore.
4. All but one of my favorite teams from the four major sports (Mets, Giants, Rangers, Knicks) have at least made the championship of their respective sport.
3. Drank my first beer.
2. Girls stopped being gross/I found out how awesome boobs are.
1. I grew pubes.

Sarah Palin isn't above the FJM treatment

Let's dive right in:

Palin Announces no Second Term
No Lame Duck Session Either

Yeah, so this happened. Damn. I wonder why. Let’s see what the Governor has to say.

Hi Alaska, I appreciate speaking directly to you, the people I serve, as your Governor.

Shit. Should I not be reading this? Actually, probably not. Chances are I end up with a headache. And no answers.

People who know me know that besides faith and family, nothing's more important to me than our beloved Alaska. Serving her people is the greatest honor I could imagine.

What she’s not saying here is that Alaska is a distant third. And when she says family, she means herself, because technically she’s in her family. I guess what I’m saying here is that while she’s going to try to portray this as some sort of altruistic move, she’s doing it because she thinks it’s best for her. Tremendously solipsistic.

I want Alaskans to grasp what can be in store for our state. We were purchased as a territory because a member of President Abe Lincoln's cabinet, William Seward, providentially saw in this great land, vast riches, beauty, strategic placement on the globe, and opportunity.

So he knew that we needed some territory close enough to Russia to keep the Tsrarist bastards in check?

He boldly looked "North to the Future". But he endured such ridicule and mocking for his vision for Alaska, remember the adversaries scoffed, calling this "Seward's Folly". Seward withstood such disdain as he chose the uncomfortable, unconventional, but right path to secure Alaska, so Alaska could help secure the United States.

Man, Sarah Palin’s existence is pretty damning evidence that maybe Seward was wrong after all.

Alaska’s mission – to contribute to America. We’re strategic in the world as the air crossroads of the world, as a gatekeeper of the continent. Bold visionaries knew this - Alaska would be part of America's great destiny.

Strategic? I guess, in the sense that all our nukes are going to fly over Alaska when we bomb North Korea. Gatekeeper to the continent? I don’t think anyone has entered North America through Alaska since the Bering Strait was walkable.

Our destiny to be reached by responsibly developing our natural resources. This land, blessed with clean air, water, wildlife, minerals, and oil and gas. It's energy! God gave us energy.

There are two things that I love about Sarah Palin’s writing that are exhibited in this paragraph. First, look at that first sentence. She clearly thinks that verbs are a tool of the liberal media elite. Second, exclamation points. This is just the first of many. Get excited. I am, however, disappointed that she doesn’t leave the “g” off her gerunds when she writes. Oh well, can’t win ‘em all.

So to serve the state is a humbling responsibility, because I know in my soul that Alaska is of such import, for America’s security, in our very volatile world. And you know me by now, I promised even four years ago to show my independence… no more conventional “politics as usual”.

“Politics as usual” in this case means actually doing your job, what the people elected you to do.

And we are doing well! My administration's accomplishments speak for themselves. We work tirelessly for Alaskans.

What, exactly, has she accomplished? Also, !!!.

We aggressively and responsibly develop our resources because they were created to be used to better our world... to help people... and we protect the environment and Alaskans (the resource owners) foremost with our policies.

Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t see how “responsibly develop our resources” is compatible with “drill baby drill.” Also, just saying you protect the environment doesn’t make it true. The animals she shot from helicopters are part of the environment, maybe we should ask them. But we can’t, because she shot all of them and now they’re dead.

Here’s some of the things we’ve done:

Oh?

We created a petroleum integrity office to oversee safe development. We held the line for Alaskans on Point Thomson – and finally for the first time in decades – they’re drilling for oil and gas.

There’s probably been a reason we weren’t drilling there for decades. Like calamitous environmental effects. That last paragraph seems so far away.

We have AGIA, the gasline project – a massive bi-partisan victory (the vote was 58 to 1!) – also succeeding as intended - protecting Alaskans as our clean natural gas will flow to energize us, and America, through a competitive, pro-private sector project. This is the largest private sector energy project, ever. This is energy independence.

The only thing better than a real governor using exclamation points is when one uses them to brag parenthetically. I think she uses so many dashes because she doesn’t know how semi-colons work.

And ACES – another bipartisan effort – is working as intended and industry is publicly acknowledging its success. Our new oil and gas “clear and equitable formula” is so Alaskans will no longer be taken advantage of. ACES incentivizes new exploration and development and jobs that were previously not going to happen with a monopolized North Slope oil basin.

I love in this paragraph how she’s treating “industry” as some sort of entity, one capable of making public acknowledgments. Also, I read that second paragraph like four times, and I’m pretty sure that Piper wrote it. It’s, um, well, she’s no F. Scott Fitzgerald.

We cleaned up previously accepted unethical actions; we ushered in bi-partisan Ethics Reform.

How many ethics complaints have been filed against her since the beginning of her term? Um, the internet says it’s a lot.

We also slowed the rate of government growth, we worked with the Legislature to save billions of dollars for the future, and I made no lobbyist friends with my hundreds of millions of dollars in budget vetoes... but living beyond our means today is irresponsible for tomorrow.

Is this a good spot to talk about that bridge? Eh, no one wants to hear about that, back to her bullshit.

We took government out of the dairy business and put it back into private-sector hands – where it should be.

Wait, what? What does this even mean? Clearly I don’t know nearly enough about Alaska’s thriving dairy industry, and its conspiratorial tendencies. Seriously, what does this even mean? As of last April there were six dairy farms in Alaska.

We provided unprecedented support for education initiatives, and with the right leadership, finally filled long-vacant public safety positions. We built a sub-Cabinet on Climate Change and took heat from Outside special interests for our biologically-sound wildlife management for abundance.

I love that she capitalizes “Outside” here. What’s going on with that? Xenophobia? I’m going to say yes.

We broke ground on the new prison.

Cool.

And we made common sense conservative choices to eliminate personal luxuries like the jet, the chef, the junkets... the entourage.

Um, she sold the jet for a loss. Say what you will about conservatives, but most of them are damn good at making money. See, she’s not even good at being a conservative.

And the Lt. Governor and I said "no" to our pay raises.

I don’t see why this is seen as a good thing. Honestly, I don’t think I would vote for someone who’s just going to turn down money. There’s something untrustworthy about it.

So much success in this first term – and with this success I am proud to take credit... for hiring the right people! Our goal was to achieve a gasline project, more fair oil and gas valuation, and ethics reform in four years. We did it in two. It’s because of the people… good public servants surrounding the Governor's office, with servants' hearts and astounding work ethic... they are Alaska's success!

Oh man, I love the ellipses-exclamation point combination. This is my favorite paragraph, because she uses it twice. Though something is missing. I dunno, I just feel that type of punctuation only really works when you have Kelso from That ‘70’s Show yelling “Burn!” right after. Also, is she saying that she accomplished everything she needed to already, and that’s why she’s resigning? Because if so, she’s lying. Especially about ethics reform.

We are doing well! I wish you'd hear more from the media of your state's progress and how we tackle Outside interests - daily - special interests that would stymie our state. Even those debt-ridden stimulus dollars that would force the heavy hand of federal government into our communities with an “all-knowing attitude” – I have taken the slings and arrows with that unpopular move to veto because I know being right is better than being popular. Some of those dollars would harm Alaska and harm America – I resisted those dollars because of the obscene national debt we’re forcing our children to pay, because of today’s Big Government spending; it’s immoral and doesn’t even make economic sense!

Oh man, great paragraph. It’s got her attacking the media, Obama, and the mysteriously-capitalized “Outsiders.” She also portrays herself as a martyr, because, well, I don’t know. She just really likes herself.

Another accomplishment – our Law Department protected states’ rights – two huge U.S. Supreme Court reversals came down against that liberal Ninth Circuit, deciding in our state’s favor over the last two weeks. We’re protectors of our Constitution – federalists protect states’ rights as mandated in 10th amendment.

Ok, this might be the most poorly-constructed paragraph so far. But, um, how is a Supreme Court ruling an accomplishment that she can take credit for? Also, bonus douche-points for bashing the liberal Ninth Circuit. All those damned gays and abortionists in California. Finally, the 10th Amendment doesn’t mandate that anyone should do anything, it says what can’t be done by the Federal government. Come on, this is something you learn in the most basic civics or politics class.

But you don’t hear much of the good stuff in the press anymore, do you?

Yeah, fuck those guys.

Some say things changed for me on August 29th last year – the day John McCain tapped me to be his running-mate – I say others changed.

Not just others. Absolutely everyone else. Or her.

Let me speak to that for a minute.

Take as long as you need.

Political operatives descended on Alaska last August, digging for dirt. The ethics law I championed became their weapon of choice. Over the past nine months I've been accused of all sorts of frivolous ethics violations – such as holding a fish in a photograph, wearing a jacket with a logo on it, and answering reporters’ questions.

Also misusing funds, improperly disclosing information, and breaking election law. They seem pretty serious.

Every one – all 15 of the ethics complaints have been dismissed. We’ve won! But it hasn't been cheap - the State has wasted thousands of hours of your time and shelled out some two million of your dollars to respond to “opposition research” – that’s money not going to fund teachers or troopers – or safer roads. And this political absurdity, the “politics of personal destruction” … Todd and I are looking at more than half a million dollars in legal bills in order to set the record straight. And what about the people who offer up these silly accusations? It doesn’t cost them a dime so they’re not going to stop draining public resources – spending other peoples’ money in their game.

I counted 18. Whatever. And it’s not like Sarah Palin was wasting Alaskan time and money going all over the country both before and after the election. How did Alaska benefit from having its Governor miss the last couple days of the legislative session speaking at some anti-abortion festival?

It’s pretty insane – my staff and I spend most of our day dealing with this instead of progressing our state now. I know I promised no more “politics as usual,” but this isn’t what anyone had in mind for Alaska.

Yeah, you’re right, you are full of shit when you say you’re a maverick and are dismissive of “politics as usual.” I’m glad we were able to clear this up. On behalf of America, I accept your apology.

If I have learned one thing: life is about choices!

Like choosing to not let people choose to have abortions.

And one chooses how to react to circumstances. You can choose to engage in things that tear down, or build up. I choose to work very hard on a path for fruitfulness and productivity. I choose not to tear down and waste precious time; but to build up this state and our country, and her industrious, generous, patriotic, free people!

USA! Sorry, I got swept up in all the nice things she was saying about me. But it might be worth asking just what she’s accomplished since August.

Life is too short to compromise time and resources... it may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: "Sit down and shut up", but that's the worthless, easy path; that's a quitter's way out. And a problem in our country today is apathy. It would be apathetic to just hunker down and “go with the flow”.

This paragraph just seems contradictory. She’s saying you shouldn’t take the quitter’s way out in her resignation statement. Am I taking crazy pills?

Nah, only dead fish "go with the flow".

Yep, she wrote “Nah.” She’s just so damned folksy.

No. Productive, fulfilled people determine where to put their efforts, choosing to wisely utilize precious time... to build up.

Again, is the ellipsis necessary?

And there is such a need to build up and fight for our state and our country. I choose to fight for it! And I'll work hard for others who still believe in free enterprise and smaller government; strong national security for our country and support for our troops; energy independence; and for those who will protect freedom and equality and life... I'll work for and campaign for those proud to be American, and those who are inspired by our ideals and won't deride them.

Ugh, I’m really sick of the whole anti-abortion thing. “Protect life.” Fuck that. It really bothers me that people like priests and the Pope and shit have so much influence over shaping peoples’ lives, when they have such insular existences, with really nothing in common with the people they’re supposed to be leading to salvation.

I will support others who seek to serve, in or out of office, for the right reasons, and I don't care what party they're in or no party at all. Inside Alaska – or Outside Alaska.

This is a lie. They will all be Republicans. Every single one.

But I won’t do it from the Governor’s desk.

Allahu Akbar.

I've never believed that I, nor anyone else, needs a title to do this - to make a difference... to help people. So I choose, for my State and my family, more "freedom" to progress, all the way around... so that Alaska may progress... I will not seek re-election as Governor.

I hope she said “I needs” during the press conference. And she’s not doing anything for her state or her family; it’s for herself.

And so as I thought about this announcement that I wouldn’t run for re-election and what it means for Alaska, I thought about how much fun some governors have as lame ducks… travel around the state, to the Lower 48 (maybe), overseas on international trade – as so many politicians do. And then I thought – that’s what’s wrong – many just accept that lame duck status, hit the road, draw the paycheck, and “milk it”. I’m not putting Alaska through that – I promised efficiencies and effectiveness! That’s not how I am wired. I am not wired to operate under the same old “politics as usual.” I promised that four years ago – and I meant it.

What the hell? Just because she’d be a lame duck doesn’t mean she would have to do any of these things. She could just, well, not.

It’s not what is best for Alaska.

Well, she and I probably agree that her not being governor is best for Alaska.

I am determined to take the right path for Alaska even though it is unconventional and not so comfortable.

Again, yeah, her not being in charge is probably a good thing.

With this announcement that I am not seeking re-election… I’ve determined it’s best to transfer the authority of governor to Lieutenant Governor Parnell; and I am willing to do so, so that this administration – with its positive agenda, its accomplishments, and its successful road to an incredible future – can continue without interruption and with great administrative and legislative success.

She’s just so cocky and delusional, I love it.

My choice is to take a stand and effect change – not hit our heads against the wall and watch valuable state time and money, millions of your dollars, go down the drain in this new environment. Rather, we know we can effect positive change outside government at this moment in time, on another scale, and actually make a difference for our priorities – and so we will, for Alaskans and for Americans.

I can’t be the only person who would pay a decent amount of money to watch Sarah Palin actually hit her head against a wall, can I?

Let me go back to a comfortable analogy for me – sports… basketball. I use it because you’re naïve if you don’t see the national full-court press picking away right now: A good point guard drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket… and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can win. And I’m doing that – keeping our eye on the ball that represents sound priorities – smaller government, energy independence, national security, freedom! And I know when it’s time to pass the ball – for victory.

So she basically has her one go-to metaphor, basketball, and she fucked it up. Keeping you eye on the ball is baseball. I would never vote for someone who so egregiously mixes metaphors. You know what, fuck it. November 6, 2012, let’s not even bother with an election. Palin vs Obama, one on one, game to eleven, winner gets the Oval Office.

I have given my reasons candidly and truthfully… and my last day won’t be for another few weeks so the transition will be very smooth. In fact, we will look to swear Sean in – in Fairbanks at the conclusion of our Governor’s picnics.

Actually, her reasons were given in the least candid and truthful way possible. I still don't think I know what they really are. She’s full of shit.

I do not want to disappoint anyone with my decision; all I can ask is that you trust me with this decision – but it’s no more “politics as usual”.

I’m not disappointed with her decision. I really wish she would completely go away though, fuck these half-measures.

Some Alaskans don’t mind wasting public dollars and state time. I do. I cannot stand here as your Governor and allow millions upon millions of our dollars go to waste just so I can hold the title of Governor. And my children won’t allow it either.

Ah, the children. One of them is knocked up now. I’d bet anything.

Some will question the timing. Let’s just say, this decision has been in the works for awhile…

I don’t know if I buy this. Obviously she planned to do it right before the Fourth of July, because it’s such a weird thing she didn’t want everyone to talk about it. But if she were smart, and we have months of evidence showing she’s not, she would have announced it on the day that Michael Jackson died. You know, if this has been in the works for a while.

In fact, this decision comes after much consideration, and finally polling the most important people in my life - my children (where the count was unanimous... well, in response to asking: "Want me to make a positive difference and fight for ALL our children's future from outside the Governor's office?" It was four "yes's" and one "hell yeah!" The "hell yeah" sealed it - and someday I'll talk about the details of that... I think much of it had to do with the kids seeing their baby brother Trig mocked by some pretty mean-spirited adults recently.) Um, by the way, sure wish folks could ever, ever understand that we all could learn so much from someone like Trig - I know he needs me, but I need him even more... what a child can offer to set priorities right – that time is precious... the world needs more "Trigs", not fewer.

Ok, who was mocking Trig? I don’t think anyone was. But if she says it, it must be true. More importantly though, of her five kids, which one answered “hell yeah?” Was that Trig’s response? Clearly she didn’t ask all five kids. She just lies so casually, it’s appalling.

My decision was also fortified during this most recent trip to Kosovo and Landstuhl, to visit our wounded soldiers overseas, those who sacrifice themselves in war for our freedom and security… we can ALL learn from our selfless Troops… they’re bold, they don’t give up, they take a stand and know that life is short so they choose to not waste time. They choose to be productive and to serve something greater than self... and to build up their families, their states, our country. These Troops and their important missions – those are truly the worthy causes in this world and should be the public priority with time and resources and not this local / superficial wasteful political bloodsport.

Palin capitalizes “Troops” because she just supports them so much. She even got her passport just so she could go visit them.

May we all learn from them!

Ugh, almost through it.

*((Gotta put First Things First))*

I swear to God that I did not change the punctuation here at all. That’s exactly how it appears on Alaska’s website. I’m sure we’re all thinking “what the fuck?”

First things first: as Governor, I love my job and I love Alaska. It hurts to make this choice but I am doing what’s best for Alaska. I’ve explained why… though I think of the saying on my parents’ refrigerator that says “Don’t explain: your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe you anyway.”

I think this makes her the first prominent politician to quote a refrigerator magnet. This just is not politics as usual.

But I have given my reasons… no more “politics as usual” and I am taking my fight for what’s right – for Alaska – in a new direction.

I’m afraid that if I keep rolling my eyes at this they’ll get stuck like that.

Now, despite this, I don’t want any Alaskan dissuaded from entering politics after seeing this real “climate change” that began in August… no, we need hardworking, average Americans fighting for what’s right! And I will support you because we need you and you can effect change, and I can too on the outside.

God I hope she can’t. That’s not the good kind of change.

We need those who will respect our Constitution where government’s supposed to serve from the bottom up, not move toward this top down big government take-over… but rather, will be protectors of individual rights - who also have enough common sense to acknowledge when conditions have drastically changed and are willing to call an audible and pass the ball when it’s time so the team can win! And that is what I’m doing!

If I were supposed to rewrite this paragraph so that it makes sense, I don’t know where I would even begin. It’s convoluted, poorly punctuated, frighteningly enthusiastic, and I don’t really know that the point she’s trying to make is.

Remember Alaska… America is now, more than ever, looking North to the Future. It'll be good. So God bless you, and from me and my family - to all Alaska - you have my heart.

No one is looking towards Alaska. At all. I bet a pretty substantial portion of Americans don’t even think it’s a state.

And we will be in the capable hands of our Lieutenant Governor, Sean Parnell. And Lieutenant General Craig Campbell will assume the role of Lieutenant Governor. And it is my promise to you that I will always be standing by, ready to assist. We have a good, positive agenda for Alaska.

Is that a promise or a threat?

In the words of General MacArthur said, “We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction.”

God I hope she ends up somewhere in the Pacific Ocean.