Some days I really wish Lincoln had just let the South leave

I saw this article about ten minutes ago. I would have started writing about it right away, but it took some time to get over the sadness I was feeling for America. Quick summary: a justice of the peace in Louisiana refused to grant a marriage license to an interracial couple. Yeah, the guy is almost certainly a racist douchebag. But he doesn't think so. Here's what the guy, Keith Bardwell, had to say about his decision:

"I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way."

"I have piles and piles of black friends."

Bardwell said he asks everyone who calls about marriage if they are a mixed race couple. If they are, he does not marry them

And finally, my favorite:

"I try to treat everyone equally"

Fuck this guy.

Are you ready for some Favre?

If you hadn’t heard, Brett Favre and the Vikings play the Packers tonight, and people seem to think that it’s a big deal. There’s speculation that this will be the highest rated game in the history of Monday Night Football. Meh.

Since ESPN has essentially told me that as a sports fan I have to watch this game, I’m going to share the experience with everyone. And by everyone I mean Gerber. You still reading this garbage, Dick?

It’s now 8:11. The game hasn’t started yet, and I won’t watch the pregame show. Both ESPN and ESPN2 have essentially been airing nothing but Brett Favre all day today, so I’ve more than had my fill. So until kickoff I’ll watch hockey. Devils against the Rangers on Versus. Fuck both of these teams, but it’s hockey. And they probably won’t say Favre’s name.

One of the biggest casualties of the Brett Favre hysteria has been Ken Griffey Jr. Junior is one of the three best baseball players I’ve ever seen play (the other two being Chase Utley and Jimmy Rollins. Ok, or maybe Barry Bonds and Albert Pujols. But give Utley a few more years.), and may have played his last game ever yesterday. Seriously, this could be his last season. And I haven’t seen shit about it on ESPN. Yeah, Brett Favre was great and all, and I suppose he’s still serviceable, but Griffey, before he went to the Reds, was just the coolest. I don’t know of anyone who didn’t love Ken Griffey Jr. He was the second coming of Willie Mays, a pure five tool player who did everything so well. He was so much fun to watch. Seriously, he was just the best, and if this really is the end of The Kid’s career, somebody needs to be talking about it.

The Rangers and the Devils are still tied at two. I’m pretty sure that the Devils are going to be the most boring team in the history of hockey this season. The Devils, as a rule, are usually pretty boring, and they have been since I’ve been watching hockey. Now, they’re being coached by Jacques Lemaire again, the man who almost killed hockey with the trap. I don’t expect to ever see a Devil in the other team’s zone.

Just to be clear, I want the Packers to win today. I want them to destroy the Vikings. I want them to beat the Vikings so badly that the entire state of Minnesota is utterly demoralized for the rest of the season. I want Favre to blow the game by chucking up interception after interception. I would like to see Adrian Peterson take a swing at him on the sidelines. And I really, really want to see Brett Favre cry.

The Flyers have looked pretty decent so far this year. Pronger has been as advertised, an absolute beast, especially shorthanded. Seeing him and Kimmo kill off a two minute 5-on-3 at New Jersey Saturday was incredible. The Flyers take so many stupid penalties, it’d be nice for that not to kick us in the ass. JVR has looked pretty good too, with assists in both games so far. It’s early in the season, but he seems to have some nice chemistry with Giroux and Powe. Carter and Richards have both gotten off to good starts, with each center scoring a goal in each game. But two games into the season the best Flyer has been Ray Emery. It didn’t have much to do in Carolina, but he didn’t fuck up, so that’s nice. And he played really well against the Devils, making some incredible saves, and keeping the Flyers in the game when they went down two men early in the first period. Things won’t get any easier for the Flyers, as their next three games are against Washington, Pittsburgh, and Anaheim, but I think we’ll probably win all three of those games. I really don’t see this team ever losing. Especially once Giroux starts scoring.

Ok, it’s 8:35 and I’m being bitched at to turn off fun sports so my roommates can watch Favre. Jaws is telling us that Adrian Peterson is kind of a big deal. If the Vikings win this game, it won’t be because of Favre, it will be because he’s handing the football to the best football player in the world. No one will mention that tomorrow though. Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre.

So you know what sucks? Drexel’s student newspaper. I didn’t read the whole thing, because it wasn’t very captivating. But here’s the impression I’ve formed from today’s issue and one issue from the very beginning of the school year. First of all, we need to look at the staple of any good college newspaper: the police blotter. The Drexel one sucks. It’s boring. Clinical, even. A car was broken into. No one needs to read about that. Where are the stories about RA’s busting pudding wrestling parties, or douchey kids getting pistol whipped? Maybe no one at Drexel is having fun. Who knows?

Kickoff just happened. My roommates refuse to watch with the sound off. So the Packers have a player named Jermichael. I’m kind of happy the sound was on so I could hear that.

The Steelers won yesterday, holding off a furious charge led by Philip Rivers. Ben Roethlisberger really is the opposite of Donovan McNabb. All he does in win football games. Donovan pukes. Roethlisberger is so much cooler. You know who else Roethlisberger is cooler than? Aaron Rodgers. The Packers were marching down the field, tight ends were literally hurdling defenders, and then that asshole fumbled. Shit.

Ok, honestly, you might as well stop reading this now. From here on out there’s going to be very little that’s not hate directed at Brett Favre and anyone or anything making him look better.

Ok, I spoke too soon. Turns out there’s something that bothers me even more than Brett Favre: this Mayan apocalypse nonsense. It’s not going to happen. Please, everyone, don’t worry about this. Also, don’t go see that movie. Honestly, if the Mayans were so smart, they wouldn’t have mostly died off more than a thousand years ago. They didn’t know so much.

I would very much like to meet someone who was a contestant on Legends of the Hidden Temple. I want to know what the Temple Guards were like when the cameras weren’t rolling. Still scary? Probably.

Favre to Shiancoe for a touchdown. At least that’s fantasy points.

Um, things do no look good for the Packers right now. I think Aaron Rodgers may have wet his pants. It’s a good thing they’re already yellow. Brett Favre.

JUMP PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. RODGERSSSSSSSSS. TEBOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Um, that was a touchdown from Rodgers to that Jermichael character. It was pretty cool. Also, not technically a touchdown, but The Favres didn’t challenge the play.

The Favres just went three and out. Fuckers.

Big baseball game tomorrow. I’m rooting for the Twins. Why? Because I want to see Carl Pavano face the Yankees in the playoffs. Excuse me. I want to see Carl Pavano shut the Yankees out. And he will. It’s destiny.

Brad Childress managed to now throw a challenge flag in time. He and his assistants couldn’t get it out of his pocket. Let’s throw this on top of the growing collection of anecdotal evidence suggesting that Childress really isn’t a good football coach.

Brett Favre hits a wide open guy. “What a throw by Brett Favre!” He’s gunslinging. Now a touchdown to some guy that isn’t Shiancoe. My fantasy team isn’t impressed. The Favres are up 14-7.

So the Penn Bookstore doesn’t have a single book about Peter the Great. That’s pretty bad. I mean, shit, he’s one of the three most important people in Russian history. But I guess they need the space for books with Palin on the cover (not even her fucking book!).

So Sampdoria is tied at the top of the Serie A table with Inter? That’s pretty crazy. But come on, there’s no way they last. Kinda have to figure that Inter and Juve will finish one and two, with Fiorentina third, and any number of teams, hopefully including Roma, competing for fourth, and the last spot in European play. Totti had two goals Sunday. He’s so fucking good. Brett Favre.

It’s almost halftime. The Vikings have the ball, and they’re driving down the field. The game is tied. That’s how you liveblog.

Brett Favre was just intercepted in the endzone, but the refs bailed him out with a bullshit pass interference call. AP runs it in the next play. I think that maybe the refs may be slightly favoring the Vikes slightly. They’ve already ignored a couple holds, now a very dubious pass interference.

“It’s been great what Brett Favre has done for the city (Minneapolis) and the organization (I can only assume he’s talking about the SS).” They’re actually showing highlights of Brett Favre practicing from like sixteen years ago. I swear to God.

I’d like to take this paragraph to remind everyone that Glenn Beck still has not denied that he, Glenn Beck, raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. No one has refuted the assertion that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. Just saying.

First half ends on a failed Hail Mary. Come on Packers, God is clearly on Brett Favre’s side.

And Kid Rock welcomes us back to the game. I swear they’re doing everything they can to get me to switch to RAW.

Another Favre touchdown pass. Al Harris looks bad. I’ve never been able to understand how he’s been a starting CB since leaving the Eagles.

I’ve pretty much lost interest in this game, so I’m going to post this and start reading Brett Favre. I mean evidence.

Thumbs Anyone?

Thumbs up: Sarah Palin. She gave her big speech in Hong Kong this week. I don't know what she was blathering on about. I'm sure she sounded very smart. But she managed to give the entire speech without saying "death panel" once. I feel like this is her first step, albeit a very, very small one, towards respectability. But it probably isn't.

Thumbs down: The Ukraine. They won't let Elton John and his partner adopt an HIV-positive baby. That's fucked up. If we, as a global community, will let Nadya Suleman have eight kids, we can't not let Elton John have at least one.

Thumbs Up: Motherfuckin' football season is here! As a Mets fan, this football season feels like the first time they served beer after Prohibition ended. And it seems like it's going to be a pretty good season, too, what with all the last second finishes and shittiness of the Cowboys.
Thumbs down: The Yankees being back in the playoffs. How awesome was it last year when the Yankees weren't in the playoffs? Weren't we all happier, even for just a few days? Well now that's over. And worse yet - - the Yankees are really fuckin' good this year.

Thumbs Up: New Thursday night TV. The Office has always been outstanding. New comers Parks and Recreation (recently featuring Amy Poehler rapping 'Parents Just Don't Understand') and Community (simultaneously funny and insulting to each and every student pursuing their Associate's) are solid. Add 30 Rock's triumphant return this week and cap it all off with a little It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and there's really no reason to leave the couch or associate with actual people on Thursday.

Thumbs Down: Commuting during the school year. It now takes me 15 minutes to drive through a neighborhood that should logically take less than one. The weird thing is, I don't even see that many buses on the road. It's the cops who have nothing better to do than guard our crosswalks and stay at home parents who won't wait an extra hour before running errands that kill me. Nothing rips the soul out through your eye sockets quite like sitting through the same traffic light three times.

And we’re back. Again. At least I am. Get excited.

So it’s been a while. Here are some things that have caught my attention recently.

The guy who owns the Utah Jazz’ D-League team wants to stage a one on one game between Michael Jordan and Bryon Russell. He’ll make a donation to the winner’s charity of choice. Tremendously noble. But he thinks that this game should happen during halftime of his team’s season opener. Come on, how delusional is this guy? If Michael Jordan is going to play any sort of basketball game, I feel pretty comfortable saying that it won’t be during halftime of a Utah Flash game.

I drink almost exclusively from two cups. The first is a 7-11 GI Joe souvenir cup with Duke on it. I do have the entire set of four, but the Duke cup is my favorite. The second cup is a Phillies 2008 World Series Champions pint glass. To clear up any potential misconceptions about this glass, I didn’t steal it from a bar. At some point in the night I ended up with it, it became more of an effort to bring it back to the bar than to keep it, so I just brought it home with me. Again, not stealing. Brett Myers would understand. Also, GI Joe and the Phillies? Convince me I’m not an eight year old.

Moammar Gadhafi is saying things. I didn’t read this whole article, because it was boring, but one part of it jumped out at me. Gadhafi wants to get rid of the veto power that the five permanent members of the Security Council have. I hope this proposal goes all the way through, and then at the very last minute we veto it. Fuck him. Also, the capitalization of teleprompter in this article amused me. TelePrompTer. Weird.

I have a new favorite website: http://glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com/. The URL is a little bit misleading. No one is saying that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. I don’t know if Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. But Glenn Beck has refused to deny that he raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. So did Glenn Beck rape and murder a young girl in 1990? Probably. Fuck him.

Last week I met someone who claims to have “no emotions.” That just isn’t true. To quote someone who is almost certainly a genius, “it means that she’s so emotional that she can’t feel any one emotion over all the others at catastrophically high levels.” You shouldn’t be walking away from people like this, you should be running.

This story was pretty funny. This coach is setting a precedent that may come back to kick his ass, but it’s still a pretty stand up move. Nevertheless, I still think that Chip Kelly is an asshole, and will continue to think so until he revokes LaGarrette Blount’s suspension. Yeah, Blount hit a guy in the face, but the guy probably deserved it, and Blount apologized like right away. The guy he hit has accepted the apology, so Oregon should drop their self-righteous, draconian punishment and let Blount have at least some of a senior season.

Sunday is International Michael Vick Appreciation Day. (That may not be actually true.) He’s going to destroy the Chiefs. He was holding back during the preseason. He’s going to score like six touchdowns. Adjust your fantasy rosters accordingly.

We'll write something soon, I swear.

Yeah?

Really, you want to get into this? Ok.

Hello, My Friend, Hello

It's been too long since I posted, so here's a quick thought to remind the Phils they still love it in the can.

Curses are dumb

People, for the most part, are stupid. They watch Fox News, take quizzes on Facebook, and are responsible for Larry the Cable Guy. Most appallingly, though, many of them believe in sports curses. Even the writers of this site aren’t above this; at least part of Gerber believes that the Mets are sucking so badly this year because they started an affiliation with the AAA Buffalo Bison (pronounced bi-zon). But that’s asinine. The Mets are struggling because they have a terrible GM, who was brought in to replace a terrible GM, who in turn replaced another terrible GM. They don’t pay overslot for draft picks, opting instead to do things like giving $25 million contracts to Luis Castillo. And, well, everyone on that team, with the exception of Johan Santana, is a little bitch. There is no curse. Here are the real reasons behind some other famous sports curses.

Let’s get the biggest one out of the way, the Curse of the Bambino. The Red Sox went from 1918 to 2004 without winning the World Series. Some people thought that it was because the franchise was cursed, doomed to mediocrity because they had sold promising pitcher George Ruth to the Yankees. Other people realize that this 86 year stretch happened mostly because Tom Yawkey, longtime Red Sox owner, was a terrible, terrible racist. He had the first chance to sign Jackie Robinson, but he passed. Robinson and Ted Williams in the same lineup? Damn. The team also had the chance to sign Willie Mays, Hank Aaron, and Ernie Banks. Declined on all three. Seriously, the Red Sox didn’t integrate until after Jackie Robinson had retired. The Yawkey family sold the team before the 2003 season. Since then? Two World Series.

Whining about curses isn’t exclusive to the American League. Cubs fans do it too. They call it the Curse of the Billy Goat. It’s not worth repeating here. The real reason the Cubs haven’t won a World Series since 1908? Their winningest pitcher is Charlie Root. How much success could they legitimately expect?

Curses aren’t exclusive to baseball either. Just ask a Detroit Lions fan. In 1958 the team traded quarterback Bobby Layne to the Steelers. Layne allegedly said that the Lions wouldn’t win for fifty years. They haven’t. What can explain this curse? Well, Barry Sanders is the only memorable Lion I can think of. He realized the futility of playing for the Lions and retired early. Here’s a list that some guy made of the top 75 Lions of all time. Look at the top 10. Seven of them played all, or a significant portion, of their career before 1958. You have to go down to #59 on the list to find a quarterback who played after Layne.

Some curses affect more than one team, afflicting whole cities. Until this past October, Philadelphia was plagued by the Curse of William Penn. Prior to the Phillies becoming World Fucking Champions, no Philadelphia team had won a title since One Liberty Place was built, becoming the first building to rise higher than the statue of William Penn on the top of City Hall. There was no curse. People like Rich Kotite, Ray Rhodes, and Donovan McNabb’s gaping vagina kept the Eagles from winning the Superbowl. The Flyers never won the Stanley Cup because they’ve had goalies like Roman Cechmanek, Robert Esche, Garth Snow, a very old John Vanbiesbrouck, and Martin Biron. The Sixers didn’t win anything because they were never able to find anyone good who could play with AI. And the Phillies, the losingest team in all of sports, were held down by decisions like putting in Mitch Williams, giving Ed Wade a job, letting Ed Wade keep his job, and still not firing Ed Wade. Plus, they never should have traded Larry Bowa and that second baseman throw in.

And the Phillies just won, sweeping the Cubs. Time to go do something else.

Oh, hey, look, we still have a blog

Ok, so we haven’t said much recently. Whatever, it’s summer. Here are a bunch of words that won’t really say much of anything.

Right now I’m watching the Mets beat the Cardinals. Thrilling. I’m sorry, but the Mets just are not a good baseball team right now. I don’t see how they’ll make the playoffs this year. Nelson Figueroa is pitching well though, bailing out an injured Jon Niese. Honestly, this game hasn’t been all that exciting. My favorite part so far has been learning that Jeff Francoeur has yet to draw a non-intentional walk since being traded. Also, Pujols has a six at bat hit streak going, with at least two doubles and two home runs in that stretch. In his most recent plate appearance, though, he was hit in the forearm. David Wright better watch out next time he comes up.

Last night Prince Fielder went nuts after being hit with two outs in the ninth, rampaging through the bowels of Dodger Stadium looking for Guillermo Mota. Um, ‘roid rage? Let’s be honest, he’s probably been doing that stuff since he was twelve. Dodgers-Brewers game tonight could be a shit show. Or, more likely, the umpires will warn both dugouts before the first pitch, and the game will be boring.

HBO is offering August Rush on demand through the end of August. It’s such a good movie, I can’t think of anything better to watch when hung over. I think they blew it by not marketing the movie that way.

Cardinals just threw at David Wright’s head! Bottom six, Mets are up 7-0. Wright got out of the way. Warnings issued. Wright grounds into a double play. Last Thursday, some Giants pitcher had the audacity to throw at Chase Utley’s head. Four pitches later Utley put the ball out of the park. I know it’s just anecdotal, but maybe this is why the Phillies are the reigning World Fucking Champions and the Mets are, well, the Mets. And seriously, I can’t overstate how cool Chase Utley is.

The GI Joe movie comes out Friday. I’ve been alternating between excited and terrified. They’ve been advertizing it so much I feel like they’re trying to trick people into going to see it. Whatever, there’s no way I won’t see it. And it’s GI Joe, so it’s going to be good. I just found out today that it was written by the people who wrote Four Brothers. That was a movie that I expected to be awful, but it actually wasn’t bad at all. So I guess there’s hope. The fight between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow needs to be really bad ass. Really though, I think everything is going to come down to these accelerator suits. If they’re as idiotic as they sound, the movie is probably fucked. But if they’re ok, there’s hope.

Francoeur just drew a walk! Swear to God. That’s probably a good note to end on.

Top 10 things that have happened in my life since the NL won their last All Star Game

10. I graduated from elementary school, middle school, high school, and college.
9. I turned 11.
8. I traveled to 12 different countries.
7. Found out for sure that Santa isn't real.
6. Started picking out my own clothes. Every morning.
5. No one tells me when to go to bed anymore.
4. All but one of my favorite teams from the four major sports (Mets, Giants, Rangers, Knicks) have at least made the championship of their respective sport.
3. Drank my first beer.
2. Girls stopped being gross/I found out how awesome boobs are.
1. I grew pubes.

Sarah Palin isn't above the FJM treatment

Let's dive right in:

Palin Announces no Second Term
No Lame Duck Session Either

Yeah, so this happened. Damn. I wonder why. Let’s see what the Governor has to say.

Hi Alaska, I appreciate speaking directly to you, the people I serve, as your Governor.

Shit. Should I not be reading this? Actually, probably not. Chances are I end up with a headache. And no answers.

People who know me know that besides faith and family, nothing's more important to me than our beloved Alaska. Serving her people is the greatest honor I could imagine.

What she’s not saying here is that Alaska is a distant third. And when she says family, she means herself, because technically she’s in her family. I guess what I’m saying here is that while she’s going to try to portray this as some sort of altruistic move, she’s doing it because she thinks it’s best for her. Tremendously solipsistic.

I want Alaskans to grasp what can be in store for our state. We were purchased as a territory because a member of President Abe Lincoln's cabinet, William Seward, providentially saw in this great land, vast riches, beauty, strategic placement on the globe, and opportunity.

So he knew that we needed some territory close enough to Russia to keep the Tsrarist bastards in check?

He boldly looked "North to the Future". But he endured such ridicule and mocking for his vision for Alaska, remember the adversaries scoffed, calling this "Seward's Folly". Seward withstood such disdain as he chose the uncomfortable, unconventional, but right path to secure Alaska, so Alaska could help secure the United States.

Man, Sarah Palin’s existence is pretty damning evidence that maybe Seward was wrong after all.

Alaska’s mission – to contribute to America. We’re strategic in the world as the air crossroads of the world, as a gatekeeper of the continent. Bold visionaries knew this - Alaska would be part of America's great destiny.

Strategic? I guess, in the sense that all our nukes are going to fly over Alaska when we bomb North Korea. Gatekeeper to the continent? I don’t think anyone has entered North America through Alaska since the Bering Strait was walkable.

Our destiny to be reached by responsibly developing our natural resources. This land, blessed with clean air, water, wildlife, minerals, and oil and gas. It's energy! God gave us energy.

There are two things that I love about Sarah Palin’s writing that are exhibited in this paragraph. First, look at that first sentence. She clearly thinks that verbs are a tool of the liberal media elite. Second, exclamation points. This is just the first of many. Get excited. I am, however, disappointed that she doesn’t leave the “g” off her gerunds when she writes. Oh well, can’t win ‘em all.

So to serve the state is a humbling responsibility, because I know in my soul that Alaska is of such import, for America’s security, in our very volatile world. And you know me by now, I promised even four years ago to show my independence… no more conventional “politics as usual”.

“Politics as usual” in this case means actually doing your job, what the people elected you to do.

And we are doing well! My administration's accomplishments speak for themselves. We work tirelessly for Alaskans.

What, exactly, has she accomplished? Also, !!!.

We aggressively and responsibly develop our resources because they were created to be used to better our world... to help people... and we protect the environment and Alaskans (the resource owners) foremost with our policies.

Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t see how “responsibly develop our resources” is compatible with “drill baby drill.” Also, just saying you protect the environment doesn’t make it true. The animals she shot from helicopters are part of the environment, maybe we should ask them. But we can’t, because she shot all of them and now they’re dead.

Here’s some of the things we’ve done:

Oh?

We created a petroleum integrity office to oversee safe development. We held the line for Alaskans on Point Thomson – and finally for the first time in decades – they’re drilling for oil and gas.

There’s probably been a reason we weren’t drilling there for decades. Like calamitous environmental effects. That last paragraph seems so far away.

We have AGIA, the gasline project – a massive bi-partisan victory (the vote was 58 to 1!) – also succeeding as intended - protecting Alaskans as our clean natural gas will flow to energize us, and America, through a competitive, pro-private sector project. This is the largest private sector energy project, ever. This is energy independence.

The only thing better than a real governor using exclamation points is when one uses them to brag parenthetically. I think she uses so many dashes because she doesn’t know how semi-colons work.

And ACES – another bipartisan effort – is working as intended and industry is publicly acknowledging its success. Our new oil and gas “clear and equitable formula” is so Alaskans will no longer be taken advantage of. ACES incentivizes new exploration and development and jobs that were previously not going to happen with a monopolized North Slope oil basin.

I love in this paragraph how she’s treating “industry” as some sort of entity, one capable of making public acknowledgments. Also, I read that second paragraph like four times, and I’m pretty sure that Piper wrote it. It’s, um, well, she’s no F. Scott Fitzgerald.

We cleaned up previously accepted unethical actions; we ushered in bi-partisan Ethics Reform.

How many ethics complaints have been filed against her since the beginning of her term? Um, the internet says it’s a lot.

We also slowed the rate of government growth, we worked with the Legislature to save billions of dollars for the future, and I made no lobbyist friends with my hundreds of millions of dollars in budget vetoes... but living beyond our means today is irresponsible for tomorrow.

Is this a good spot to talk about that bridge? Eh, no one wants to hear about that, back to her bullshit.

We took government out of the dairy business and put it back into private-sector hands – where it should be.

Wait, what? What does this even mean? Clearly I don’t know nearly enough about Alaska’s thriving dairy industry, and its conspiratorial tendencies. Seriously, what does this even mean? As of last April there were six dairy farms in Alaska.

We provided unprecedented support for education initiatives, and with the right leadership, finally filled long-vacant public safety positions. We built a sub-Cabinet on Climate Change and took heat from Outside special interests for our biologically-sound wildlife management for abundance.

I love that she capitalizes “Outside” here. What’s going on with that? Xenophobia? I’m going to say yes.

We broke ground on the new prison.

Cool.

And we made common sense conservative choices to eliminate personal luxuries like the jet, the chef, the junkets... the entourage.

Um, she sold the jet for a loss. Say what you will about conservatives, but most of them are damn good at making money. See, she’s not even good at being a conservative.

And the Lt. Governor and I said "no" to our pay raises.

I don’t see why this is seen as a good thing. Honestly, I don’t think I would vote for someone who’s just going to turn down money. There’s something untrustworthy about it.

So much success in this first term – and with this success I am proud to take credit... for hiring the right people! Our goal was to achieve a gasline project, more fair oil and gas valuation, and ethics reform in four years. We did it in two. It’s because of the people… good public servants surrounding the Governor's office, with servants' hearts and astounding work ethic... they are Alaska's success!

Oh man, I love the ellipses-exclamation point combination. This is my favorite paragraph, because she uses it twice. Though something is missing. I dunno, I just feel that type of punctuation only really works when you have Kelso from That ‘70’s Show yelling “Burn!” right after. Also, is she saying that she accomplished everything she needed to already, and that’s why she’s resigning? Because if so, she’s lying. Especially about ethics reform.

We are doing well! I wish you'd hear more from the media of your state's progress and how we tackle Outside interests - daily - special interests that would stymie our state. Even those debt-ridden stimulus dollars that would force the heavy hand of federal government into our communities with an “all-knowing attitude” – I have taken the slings and arrows with that unpopular move to veto because I know being right is better than being popular. Some of those dollars would harm Alaska and harm America – I resisted those dollars because of the obscene national debt we’re forcing our children to pay, because of today’s Big Government spending; it’s immoral and doesn’t even make economic sense!

Oh man, great paragraph. It’s got her attacking the media, Obama, and the mysteriously-capitalized “Outsiders.” She also portrays herself as a martyr, because, well, I don’t know. She just really likes herself.

Another accomplishment – our Law Department protected states’ rights – two huge U.S. Supreme Court reversals came down against that liberal Ninth Circuit, deciding in our state’s favor over the last two weeks. We’re protectors of our Constitution – federalists protect states’ rights as mandated in 10th amendment.

Ok, this might be the most poorly-constructed paragraph so far. But, um, how is a Supreme Court ruling an accomplishment that she can take credit for? Also, bonus douche-points for bashing the liberal Ninth Circuit. All those damned gays and abortionists in California. Finally, the 10th Amendment doesn’t mandate that anyone should do anything, it says what can’t be done by the Federal government. Come on, this is something you learn in the most basic civics or politics class.

But you don’t hear much of the good stuff in the press anymore, do you?

Yeah, fuck those guys.

Some say things changed for me on August 29th last year – the day John McCain tapped me to be his running-mate – I say others changed.

Not just others. Absolutely everyone else. Or her.

Let me speak to that for a minute.

Take as long as you need.

Political operatives descended on Alaska last August, digging for dirt. The ethics law I championed became their weapon of choice. Over the past nine months I've been accused of all sorts of frivolous ethics violations – such as holding a fish in a photograph, wearing a jacket with a logo on it, and answering reporters’ questions.

Also misusing funds, improperly disclosing information, and breaking election law. They seem pretty serious.

Every one – all 15 of the ethics complaints have been dismissed. We’ve won! But it hasn't been cheap - the State has wasted thousands of hours of your time and shelled out some two million of your dollars to respond to “opposition research” – that’s money not going to fund teachers or troopers – or safer roads. And this political absurdity, the “politics of personal destruction” … Todd and I are looking at more than half a million dollars in legal bills in order to set the record straight. And what about the people who offer up these silly accusations? It doesn’t cost them a dime so they’re not going to stop draining public resources – spending other peoples’ money in their game.

I counted 18. Whatever. And it’s not like Sarah Palin was wasting Alaskan time and money going all over the country both before and after the election. How did Alaska benefit from having its Governor miss the last couple days of the legislative session speaking at some anti-abortion festival?

It’s pretty insane – my staff and I spend most of our day dealing with this instead of progressing our state now. I know I promised no more “politics as usual,” but this isn’t what anyone had in mind for Alaska.

Yeah, you’re right, you are full of shit when you say you’re a maverick and are dismissive of “politics as usual.” I’m glad we were able to clear this up. On behalf of America, I accept your apology.

If I have learned one thing: life is about choices!

Like choosing to not let people choose to have abortions.

And one chooses how to react to circumstances. You can choose to engage in things that tear down, or build up. I choose to work very hard on a path for fruitfulness and productivity. I choose not to tear down and waste precious time; but to build up this state and our country, and her industrious, generous, patriotic, free people!

USA! Sorry, I got swept up in all the nice things she was saying about me. But it might be worth asking just what she’s accomplished since August.

Life is too short to compromise time and resources... it may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: "Sit down and shut up", but that's the worthless, easy path; that's a quitter's way out. And a problem in our country today is apathy. It would be apathetic to just hunker down and “go with the flow”.

This paragraph just seems contradictory. She’s saying you shouldn’t take the quitter’s way out in her resignation statement. Am I taking crazy pills?

Nah, only dead fish "go with the flow".

Yep, she wrote “Nah.” She’s just so damned folksy.

No. Productive, fulfilled people determine where to put their efforts, choosing to wisely utilize precious time... to build up.

Again, is the ellipsis necessary?

And there is such a need to build up and fight for our state and our country. I choose to fight for it! And I'll work hard for others who still believe in free enterprise and smaller government; strong national security for our country and support for our troops; energy independence; and for those who will protect freedom and equality and life... I'll work for and campaign for those proud to be American, and those who are inspired by our ideals and won't deride them.

Ugh, I’m really sick of the whole anti-abortion thing. “Protect life.” Fuck that. It really bothers me that people like priests and the Pope and shit have so much influence over shaping peoples’ lives, when they have such insular existences, with really nothing in common with the people they’re supposed to be leading to salvation.

I will support others who seek to serve, in or out of office, for the right reasons, and I don't care what party they're in or no party at all. Inside Alaska – or Outside Alaska.

This is a lie. They will all be Republicans. Every single one.

But I won’t do it from the Governor’s desk.

Allahu Akbar.

I've never believed that I, nor anyone else, needs a title to do this - to make a difference... to help people. So I choose, for my State and my family, more "freedom" to progress, all the way around... so that Alaska may progress... I will not seek re-election as Governor.

I hope she said “I needs” during the press conference. And she’s not doing anything for her state or her family; it’s for herself.

And so as I thought about this announcement that I wouldn’t run for re-election and what it means for Alaska, I thought about how much fun some governors have as lame ducks… travel around the state, to the Lower 48 (maybe), overseas on international trade – as so many politicians do. And then I thought – that’s what’s wrong – many just accept that lame duck status, hit the road, draw the paycheck, and “milk it”. I’m not putting Alaska through that – I promised efficiencies and effectiveness! That’s not how I am wired. I am not wired to operate under the same old “politics as usual.” I promised that four years ago – and I meant it.

What the hell? Just because she’d be a lame duck doesn’t mean she would have to do any of these things. She could just, well, not.

It’s not what is best for Alaska.

Well, she and I probably agree that her not being governor is best for Alaska.

I am determined to take the right path for Alaska even though it is unconventional and not so comfortable.

Again, yeah, her not being in charge is probably a good thing.

With this announcement that I am not seeking re-election… I’ve determined it’s best to transfer the authority of governor to Lieutenant Governor Parnell; and I am willing to do so, so that this administration – with its positive agenda, its accomplishments, and its successful road to an incredible future – can continue without interruption and with great administrative and legislative success.

She’s just so cocky and delusional, I love it.

My choice is to take a stand and effect change – not hit our heads against the wall and watch valuable state time and money, millions of your dollars, go down the drain in this new environment. Rather, we know we can effect positive change outside government at this moment in time, on another scale, and actually make a difference for our priorities – and so we will, for Alaskans and for Americans.

I can’t be the only person who would pay a decent amount of money to watch Sarah Palin actually hit her head against a wall, can I?

Let me go back to a comfortable analogy for me – sports… basketball. I use it because you’re naïve if you don’t see the national full-court press picking away right now: A good point guard drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket… and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can win. And I’m doing that – keeping our eye on the ball that represents sound priorities – smaller government, energy independence, national security, freedom! And I know when it’s time to pass the ball – for victory.

So she basically has her one go-to metaphor, basketball, and she fucked it up. Keeping you eye on the ball is baseball. I would never vote for someone who so egregiously mixes metaphors. You know what, fuck it. November 6, 2012, let’s not even bother with an election. Palin vs Obama, one on one, game to eleven, winner gets the Oval Office.

I have given my reasons candidly and truthfully… and my last day won’t be for another few weeks so the transition will be very smooth. In fact, we will look to swear Sean in – in Fairbanks at the conclusion of our Governor’s picnics.

Actually, her reasons were given in the least candid and truthful way possible. I still don't think I know what they really are. She’s full of shit.

I do not want to disappoint anyone with my decision; all I can ask is that you trust me with this decision – but it’s no more “politics as usual”.

I’m not disappointed with her decision. I really wish she would completely go away though, fuck these half-measures.

Some Alaskans don’t mind wasting public dollars and state time. I do. I cannot stand here as your Governor and allow millions upon millions of our dollars go to waste just so I can hold the title of Governor. And my children won’t allow it either.

Ah, the children. One of them is knocked up now. I’d bet anything.

Some will question the timing. Let’s just say, this decision has been in the works for awhile…

I don’t know if I buy this. Obviously she planned to do it right before the Fourth of July, because it’s such a weird thing she didn’t want everyone to talk about it. But if she were smart, and we have months of evidence showing she’s not, she would have announced it on the day that Michael Jackson died. You know, if this has been in the works for a while.

In fact, this decision comes after much consideration, and finally polling the most important people in my life - my children (where the count was unanimous... well, in response to asking: "Want me to make a positive difference and fight for ALL our children's future from outside the Governor's office?" It was four "yes's" and one "hell yeah!" The "hell yeah" sealed it - and someday I'll talk about the details of that... I think much of it had to do with the kids seeing their baby brother Trig mocked by some pretty mean-spirited adults recently.) Um, by the way, sure wish folks could ever, ever understand that we all could learn so much from someone like Trig - I know he needs me, but I need him even more... what a child can offer to set priorities right – that time is precious... the world needs more "Trigs", not fewer.

Ok, who was mocking Trig? I don’t think anyone was. But if she says it, it must be true. More importantly though, of her five kids, which one answered “hell yeah?” Was that Trig’s response? Clearly she didn’t ask all five kids. She just lies so casually, it’s appalling.

My decision was also fortified during this most recent trip to Kosovo and Landstuhl, to visit our wounded soldiers overseas, those who sacrifice themselves in war for our freedom and security… we can ALL learn from our selfless Troops… they’re bold, they don’t give up, they take a stand and know that life is short so they choose to not waste time. They choose to be productive and to serve something greater than self... and to build up their families, their states, our country. These Troops and their important missions – those are truly the worthy causes in this world and should be the public priority with time and resources and not this local / superficial wasteful political bloodsport.

Palin capitalizes “Troops” because she just supports them so much. She even got her passport just so she could go visit them.

May we all learn from them!

Ugh, almost through it.

*((Gotta put First Things First))*

I swear to God that I did not change the punctuation here at all. That’s exactly how it appears on Alaska’s website. I’m sure we’re all thinking “what the fuck?”

First things first: as Governor, I love my job and I love Alaska. It hurts to make this choice but I am doing what’s best for Alaska. I’ve explained why… though I think of the saying on my parents’ refrigerator that says “Don’t explain: your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe you anyway.”

I think this makes her the first prominent politician to quote a refrigerator magnet. This just is not politics as usual.

But I have given my reasons… no more “politics as usual” and I am taking my fight for what’s right – for Alaska – in a new direction.

I’m afraid that if I keep rolling my eyes at this they’ll get stuck like that.

Now, despite this, I don’t want any Alaskan dissuaded from entering politics after seeing this real “climate change” that began in August… no, we need hardworking, average Americans fighting for what’s right! And I will support you because we need you and you can effect change, and I can too on the outside.

God I hope she can’t. That’s not the good kind of change.

We need those who will respect our Constitution where government’s supposed to serve from the bottom up, not move toward this top down big government take-over… but rather, will be protectors of individual rights - who also have enough common sense to acknowledge when conditions have drastically changed and are willing to call an audible and pass the ball when it’s time so the team can win! And that is what I’m doing!

If I were supposed to rewrite this paragraph so that it makes sense, I don’t know where I would even begin. It’s convoluted, poorly punctuated, frighteningly enthusiastic, and I don’t really know that the point she’s trying to make is.

Remember Alaska… America is now, more than ever, looking North to the Future. It'll be good. So God bless you, and from me and my family - to all Alaska - you have my heart.

No one is looking towards Alaska. At all. I bet a pretty substantial portion of Americans don’t even think it’s a state.

And we will be in the capable hands of our Lieutenant Governor, Sean Parnell. And Lieutenant General Craig Campbell will assume the role of Lieutenant Governor. And it is my promise to you that I will always be standing by, ready to assist. We have a good, positive agenda for Alaska.

Is that a promise or a threat?

In the words of General MacArthur said, “We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction.”

God I hope she ends up somewhere in the Pacific Ocean.

Not to be a dick, but...

Um, he was still a pedophile.

More Steroids

It’s been a while since we’ve done something terribly irresponsible and potentially libelous here. This strikes me as a good time to change that. Obviously, there have been a lot of people saying dumb things about baseball players and steroids. First, there was that guy talking about Raaauuuuul, and the ridiculousness of people flipping out over that. Then, it was released that Sosa tested positive in ’03. No one was surprised, but some people were laughably indignant. Whatever, it doesn’t bother me.

So anyway, of the 104 players who tested positive in 2003, two names have now been confirmed, Alex Rodriguez and Sammy Sosa. For the mathematically challenged, that leaves 102 players still quaking with fear at the thought of exposure. Well, probably not quaking, but it may be on their mind. Maybe. Anyway, here is the list of 102 players who I think comprise that list. Just a couple notes on how this list was built. First, it’s all pretty much bullshit. I didn’t do anything like look for trends in career statistics. I didn’t look at statistics at all. And I wouldn’t say I’m necessarily accusing any of these players of doing steroids, just that it wouldn’t surprise me if they had. Also, there are a couple names that only made this list because their inclusion will piss off Gerber (be sure to wish him a happy birthday today). Ok, here’s my list:

Players named in the Mitchell Report who also probable tested positive in ’03:

Chad Allen, Larry Bigbie, Barry Bonds, Kevin Brown, Alex Cabrera, Roger Clemens, Bobby Estelella, Ryan Franklin, Eric Gagne, Jason Giambi, Jeremy Giambi, Jay Gibbons, Jason Grimsley, Todd Hundley, Paul Lo Duca, Jason Manzanillo, Denny Neagle, Armando Rios, John Rocker, Benito Santiago, Scott Schoenweiss, Gary Sheffield, Miguel Tejada, Fernando Vina, and Matt Williams.

And now the rest:

Jose Acevedo, Wilson Alvarez, Jeff Bagwell, Rod Beck, Jay Bell, Ronnie Belliard, Adrian Beltre, Joe Borowski, AJ Burnett, Eric Byrnes, Miguel Cairo, Vinny Castilla, Juan Castro, Shawn Chacon, Bruce Chen, Jeff Conine, Jose Cruz Jr., Ray Durham, Juan Encarnacion, Keith Foulke, John Franco, Aaron Fultz, Andres Galarraga, Troy Glaus, Juan Gonzalez, Tom Gordon, Kevin Gregg, Vladimir Guerrero, Travis Hafner, Todd Hollandsworth, Jorge Julio, Jeff Kent, Bobby Kielty, Ryan Klesko, Barry Larkin, Matt Lawton, Ricky Ledee, Travis Lee, Kenny Lofton, Braden Looper, Javy Lopez, Mike Lowell, Orlando Merced, Jose Mercedes, Kevin Millar, Kevin Millwood, Sergio Mitre, Raul Mondesi, Magglio Ordonez, David Ortiz, Lance Painter, Brad Penny, Mike Piazza, AJ Pierzynski, Sidney Ponson, Edgar Renteria, Dennys Reyes, Ivan Rodriguez, Tim Salmon, Jason Schmidt, Richie Sexson, Ben Sheets, Randall Simon, Alfonso Soriano, Mike Sweeney, TJ Tucker, Jose Valverde, Todd Van Poppel, Ugueth Urbina, Jason Varitek, Jose Vidro, Billy Wagner, Vernon Wells, Preston Wilson, Kerry Wood, Dmitri Young, and Victor Zambrano.

Obviously, this list won’t be 100% accurate. First of all, I only picked players I had heard of; when the list eventually comes out, and it will, there will undoubtedly be players on there that I am not familiar with. Second, some of the names on this list are ridiculous. Like, Victor Zambrano is only on there so I can mention him here, and then so I can write Scott Kazmir’s name. Mets fans’ heads are now exploding. Whatever, I don’t expect to get everyone right, I would be happy with a success rate of .367.

Howard Bryant is Prolifically Stupid

Dude, give it a rest already.

If you happen to be Sammy Sosa or Alex Rodriguez, or even Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds or Rafael Palmeiro, at this point, invincibility has been your best friend. You won. You got away with it. The large majority of your peers, your bosses and the people who pay to watch you play the game agree that using anabolic substances is cheating. On March 17, 2005, Sosa and Palmeiro testified to the House Government Reform Committee that using steroids was cheating.

Yet, you've all been caught and faced no sanction.

Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. More wrong than a dog fucking a donkey sucking on your mother's toes (and that shit is real wrong).

The jury is still out on Sosa and Rodriguez. At the very least, their images have been permanently altered; for Sosa, his 2005 Congressional testimony is already being reexamined, seemingly with the likelihood that perjury charges could be brought. Those two have been outed too recently though to really analyze the situation.

Unless of course you're Howard Bryant and you only need 4 days to write 2 articles analyzing what everyone and their mother already new about Sosa. Then you can draw as many conclusions as you like.

As for the others, we're past the point where we can say they got away scott-free. Roger Clemens is still under investigation by the FBI and a Grand Jury was convened to consider indicting him with perjury charges. That sounds exactly like the retirement I always envisioned for myself.

Barry Bonds, the all-time home run leader in MLB history, could not find a team to play for while he was still willing. Oh, and he's also under federal indictment for perjury. Man, I wish I got to relax like millionaire ex-baseball players do...

So far Rafael Palmeiro has the best case for being "untouchable." Except for the fact that he'll almost assuredly be the first player with 3,000+ hits and 500+ home runs not to be inducted on his first ballot. Oh, and he used Viagra.

Perhaps the Hall of Fame voters will punish you when it is time for induction, but from the institutions that matter -- Major League Baseball and the National Baseball Hall of Fame -- silence has governed.

Comprehending the second-greatest organizational failure in the history of the game has been left as an individual choice.

The second greatest organizational failure, eh? Then what was the first?

There is nothing clean about the steroids disaster. The commissioner is...

Nope, that's still the steroid scandal. Skip ahead, skip ahead...

The two greatest organizational failures in baseball history have closely mirrored the larger society.

Right. You mentioned that already. What's the other one?

The first -- the 60-plus years of segregated baseball -- reflected the unfortunate attitudes of the times.

Phew! That one took a while!

And are you sure about that, Sparky? First, isn't that more of an organizational failure for America than it is for baseball? It's not like everyone was walking around holding hands and we weren't telling people where they could stand, sit, eat, or shit and we weren't burning crosses on people's lawns and we weren't chastising mixed marriages and baseball was the only one saying you can't play with us. All of those things were happening all of the time, in and out of baseball.

And! Branch Rickey signed Jackie Robinson to a minor league deal in 1945 and brought him up to the majors in 1947 a full 7 years before Brown v. BOE of Topeka. So how exactly is that a failure on baseball's part? Wasn't baseball more trailblazing than they were failing?

The second -- the cynical, industrywide [sic] choice of money over integrity -- not only has poisoned baseball in the form of a runaway PED scandal but also has damaged institutions such as Wall Street and the banking industry.

You heard it here first (well, really, second because Howard Bryant keeps bringing up the same, tired, woefully inaccurate point, but I think you get my meaning) - - Major League Baseball is the reason why you had to foreclose on your house!

Did baseball choose money over integrity? Youbetcha. Was it the first time in history? Sub-question: are you out of your fucking mind?! I can count on one hand the number of times someone chose integrity over money.

And Jose Canseco offering steroids to every man, woman, and child in the 90s did not cause Wall Street to become greedier or GM to keep shitty books.

Now some tired stuff about how baseball says they want to move on, the cheaters are still getting away with it - - essentially everything he said in his article from two days prior - - so we'll just skip all of that.

Does management really want to rid the game of performance enhancers? If it does, here is what baseball should do:

Oh this should be good. This article is only 5 years removed from when every sports rag had to peddle a similar article out there. OK, Howie - - lay your innovation on me.

1. Selig must place any player found to have used anabolic substances on baseball's ineligible list for at least a portion of his Hall of Fame eligibility. Keeping players out of the Hall of Fame is the only language players understand. Because of the money, they are untouchable.

So is it money that players respond to or is it the HoF? This whole time the greed of the MLB has caused all of America's problems, but now the revolving doors of the Hall of Fame (which are remarkably non-revolving) are the roost cause of inflation.

The commissioner needs to create a sliding punitive scale: 10 years on the ineligible list after the last active game for the 104 players whose names were on the 2003 survey testing list or in the Mitchell report or who violated the league policy from 2004 to 2009; lifetime ban for anyone caught using steroids starting in the 2010 season.

I really want to see who was on that 2003 survey list. But, it would be a really shitty thing to keep those players from the Hall of Fame. Why? Because they said they wouldn't get in trouble! Interesting strategy here, Cotton: let's have the MLB lie to improve it's moral standing.

Bryant adds something about character and integrity and writing on HoF plaques, which aren't altogether terrible insights, but I'm really sick of reading his article.

Let's part with this:

Such steps are not perfect, but they represent a start beyond the talk, a stronger deterrent for players. And in some way, they address the areas important to the public: the Hall of Fame and the idea that players not only escaped punishment but were rewarded for doing so.

Howard Bryant is really pimping this retribution thing hard! Are you starting to hear the jealousy in his voice like I am? One thing's for sure: if steroids could make you a better writer, Howard Bryant would be all hopped up on that shit. And I would have to say they certainly couldn't hurt at this point.

Just Say the Word..

Ok. This one really pisses me off.

You can fire missiles into the Sea of Japan for a while before I really get pissed, though I certainly don't like it as is. But why the fuck is anybody still tolerating this?

Firing a missile on path for Hawai'i on July 4th? Fuck you very much. Why hasn't someone put that Munchkin understudy in his place?

Wake Up and Smell the Anabolic Steroids

Sammy Sosa apparently tested positive for steroids. Everyone saw that coming. Except this guy.

A saying exists in baseball that the smartest person in any clubhouse is the guy with either the highest batting average or the most consecutive zeroes on his paycheck.

I have never heard that saying.

In other words, the superstars -- smart or dumb; black, white, Latino or Asian; old or young -- run the show.

Ok, let's say that adage does exist: why would that surprise you? And what does it matter how old, young, dark, or light someone is, your original point was that that person is a superstar and that's what matters. I already feel a migraine coming on.

Keep that in mind as you consider the New York Times report that Sammy Sosa is one of the 104 players who tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in baseball's 2003 survey testing because the news should not be met with an indifferent yawn, as if Sosa is just another in a long line of Hall of Fame-caliber talent biting the dust: Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez and now Sosa, all in the first half of the 2009 season alone. Instead, this news should be greeted with the kind of outrage reserved for the worst breaches of trust because you, Mr. and Mrs. Fan, have been taken for a very special kind of ride.

First: nay, sir. I was not taken for a ride. At this point (and I don't think I'm anywhere near the minority with this one) I'm more surprised when I wake up each morning and don't hear that one of my favorite players has an ear growing out of his forehead. Instead it was you, Mr. Sportswriter, who was taken for a very special kind of ride; very special because you were the only person on that ride.

It must have been soul-crushing when Howard Bryant found out that Santa wasn't real - - during his junior year of college.

Second: why are we supposed to be outraged about this one? How is this different from any of the other recently outed stars? Because he is in fact "just another in a long line of Hall of Fame-caliber talent biting the dust."

By now, that con game has been exposed completely and a new argument -- let's call it the "Alex Rodriguez Defense," used by players, fans and, unfortunately, some Hall of Fame voters -- has surfaced. This one suggests that these steroid-using superstar players were merely "caught up in a culture."

Yup. That's what happened. Look, in free agency, it's every man for himself. Especially in an arbitration system where a player is endlessly compared to his peers on paper alone, every edge counts. Beyond that, once you see that 3 out of 5 of your competitors are getting an edge at a pretty reasonable price (neglecting of course the harmful biological effects) you'd be likely to try it yourself.

It is one thing to lie, which is bad enough, but what these players have done is infinitely worse. They have lied, convinced that their good will and celebrity -- and batting averages -- would allow them just enough dispensation to get away with it, to drown out anyone not taken in by their false charms.

Chicks dig the long ball. And, not coincidentally, so does everyone in America. Mark McGwire saved baseball while he was hopped up on more bovine hormone than an actual Big Mac. Same goes for Sosa and Bonds. To condemn them for that now while we were all loving it is just as much deception and backstabbing as lying about steroids in the first place.

Even as the card house collapsed, the players knew the fans were just red-blooded capitalists who would forgive lying and cheating because there was big money at stake.

I don't think the players thought it through that much. I don't think they gave a shit about forgiveness; that never even crossed their minds.

How many times have we all heard the old saw? "Well, what would you have done for $10 million? You would've done the same thing."

Yes, you would have. I know I would have. I know a handful of people who I believe possess enough integrity to have said no in that situation. I don't count myself among them.

Now I'd like to think I would have done the Pettite thing and just owned up. "Yep, you got me. Real sorry about that. Honestly." Is it worse to continue to lie about it? Absolutely. But that's not the issue right now; the issue is why you're surprised that players who lied about this for the majority of their careers are going to change their tune now.

Ironically, it is the Phillies' Raul Ibanez, burned by a blogosphere that does not have to adhere to traditional journalistic standards, who now turns back to the mainstream media -- with all of their supposed "agendas" -- to defend his name.

I'm not going to discuss this point, it's already been beaten into the ground. But one thing: "a blogosphere?" If you're going to needlessly disparage someone's passion or hobby, at least know how to refer to it let alone what actually was said.

But fans aren't the only suckers walking around today.

The writers did the same, and continue to do so. Some have decided to use their Hall of Fame votes in the affirmative for the game's great but disgraced players -- Sosa, Bonds, Clemens, Ramirez -- because the players were part of a larger culture.

Interesting that those guys have received HoF votes, seeing as how not a single one of them is eligible and two of them aren't retired (and one will definitely be playing in 2 weeks time). Jerk off.

Is this baseball or Wall Street? The cultural intention to defraud is the same.

Bazing! Good one. So let's haphazardly use your same faulty logic and lazy approach to research in another venue you're hopelessly unqualified to critique: finance! First, guy, what the fuck do you know about Wall Street? And b) I haven't been on the floor in a while, but I can't imagine the institutional goal of Wall Street is to defraud. Nor is it in baseball.

Today, it is not enough for a player merely to say he never used. Albert Pujols already did so on the cover of Sports Illustrated this year. Derek Jeter constantly has protected his legacy by saying "Not everyone is on this stuff." Both might never have used, but the words of Jeter or Pujols have no more value than Sosa's empty challenge to anyone questioning his accomplishments.

So you admit that you don't believe these guys! Then why the fuck are you so surprised?!

In the words of that old dude with leprosy from Braveheart: You let yourself be deceived.

Oh, Joe

Joe Morgan is still chatting on ESPN.com. He had a great answer to a question about the Braves today:

Well, the Braves do not have a consistent offense, first of all. Any time Chipper has some inconsistent days, its' even weaker. One of the biggest problems has been Jeff Francoeur, he has not been consistent the last couple of years. They need him if they're going to make any sort of run. As the team is constructed now, I don't think they could beat the Phillies or the Mets.

So many consistencies.

The Fuck?!?!

Donte Stallworth was sentenced today for killing a man. He got 30 days. That's one month. Vick was sentenced to 23 months just for killing some dogs. Seriously? Are dogs 23 times more important than people? I blame PETA. Fuck.

Mama Don't Let Your Baby Grow Up to Be a Country Music Fan: A Country-Work Orange

I've put this off for too long. Tonight is the night.

As a self-obsessed person, it bothers me on some level when I'm guided solely by instinct; I have too high of a regard for my intellect to believe that it can be over-ridden all nimbly bimbly all the time. And as far as I can tell, my instinct is to hate country music.

I'm sure that there are many adequate reasons to hate country music, but I can never put my finger on them. There are obviously very distinct attributes to the genre, but what troubles me is that for every trait of a country song that I complain about I can think of a song that I love that embodies the same trait. For every song with stupid lyrics, I'll show you a Weird Al song that I still like. For every predictable convention, I'll show you the 90s playlists on my iTunes. And above all, I love the Allman Brothers. I must figure out what really bothers me.

Tonight, I will do what few who hail from the Northeastern United States have ever done - - I will listen to country music for an indefinite amount of time without a break.

There are several possible outcomes here:

1) My ears may bleed. I'm prepared. My girlfriend is an audiologist and she's on speed dial.

2) I will discover nothing. Very likely. I might just quit. Time will tell.

3) I will win a Nobel Prize. Also likely. My article will revolutionize not only how we view country music, but how we conceive of consciousness.

4) I will grow to like country music. This unfortunate side-effect may occur. But just like the anal leakage that occurs from some prescription drugs, I'm willing to undergo this fate. In the name of science, of course.

I have chosen to listen to KAFF Country. This station has been chosen for it's current popularity (it broadcasts on both FM and AM frequencies out of Flagstaff, AZ) and since it tells me the name of the artist and the title of the song.

I will begin my study as soon as I get back with a stiff drink.

Song: Sideways
Artist: Dierks Bentley
Brief Description: Upbeat, power chords, electric guitar, standard song composition with verses, chorus, and bridge. Nothing disagreeable upfront.
Chorus:
And it’s hey now here we go.
DJ don’t you play nothing slow
Keep those girls out on the floor
Gotta make them want to come back for more.
Been here since the sun went down,
Be here when it comes back around
Worked all week it’s time to play
Gonna get a little bit sideways…
Sideways.
Comparable song(s) that I sort of like: Maybe a little bit of DMB's worst stuff in there, I could definitely feel a Kid Rock or Uncle Kracker vibe. And those are not good things.
Why I hate it: This one's lyrics based: the idea that we should celebrate Southern "culture". Of course, there's a reference to blue jeans. Of course there's red necks fighting in the parking lot. And talking to the DJ in a song went out with Kool and the Gang.


Song: Something's Gotta Give
Artist: Leann Rimes
Brief Description: Obviously female vocals. Pronounced fiddle and major chords with acoustic guitar.
Comparable Song(s) that I like: Nothing. Nothing at all. I guess maybe Devil Went Down to Georgia because of the fiddle, but that dude was way better on the fiddle than this ass hat.
Why I hate it: Something's gotta give?! When the title is a cliche, it already smells like hackneyed crap. In the first verse (and repeated thereafter) our female protagonist thought she would have a minivan by the time she had "31 candles on her birthday cake." Those are rockstar ambitions alright.


Song: Smalltown USA
Artist: Justin Moore
Brief Description: This song is the enemy.
Comparable Song(s) that I like: It sounds like a shittier version of God Bless the USA. Sort of like Black Sheep was for Tommy Boy.
Chorus:
Give me a Saturday night my baby by my side
A little Hank Jr. and a six pack of lights
Old dirt road and ill be just fine
Give me a Sunday morning that full of grace
A simple life and I'll be okay
Here in small town USA
Why I hate it: This is the quintessential country song. Over-the-top lyrics and message. The twang is unbearable. I imagine this is what plays on the beat-up boombox while Rednecks are putting up their make-shift border fences.

Song: One in Every Crowd
Artist: Montgomery Gentry
Brief Description: Somewhat funny song about the asshole friend in every group out at a bar. Nothing remarkable from a musical standpoint. Acoustic guitar and splashy cymbals.
Comparable Song(s) that I like: Nothing really sounds like it, but they do make references to Lynard Skynard for whom I do have a taste. Hmm.
Why I hate it: "There's one in every crowd, and it's usually me." That's the last line of the chorus. It's an uninspired version of "I've got Friends in Low Places." It's predictable and fails at being funny for an audience of moderate intelligence.

Song: Runaway
Artist: Love and Theft
Brief Description: The band name sounds like an album title. In fact it would be a pretty good album title. It's a typical formula, complete with the staccato snare drum fill before the chorus kicks in. Meh.
Chorus:

And pack my bags and never look back

Run a parallel line with the railroad tracks, make my getaway

Ill put the pedal to the metal as the sun goes down

Leave everybody sleepin in this sleepy town tonight

And at the break of day, Ill be a runaway

Comparable Song(s) that I like: It's a poor man's 3 Doors Down, in a way. But the lyrics and vocals were much more powerful from 3 Doors Down's first album, and they're only mediocre.
Why I hate it: I'm starting to pick up on a theme: the music itself sucks. When the vocals comprise the top part of the chord for more than the end of the song, I'm out. I want no part of this. The obvious troublesome comparison for this theory is Journey: I've got a super-gay love for "Don't Stop Believing." But I know that song to be just as distasteful for some as country is for me. Otherwise, if you're playing the fiddle and not melting someone's face or I can tell what's going to happen in your song while I'm hearing it for the first time, just stop.

Oh good, the KAFF country quiz (does it say something that they play Jazz during the dead air time on their internet station?). Good time to break and analyze that last chorus, which was a doozy.

Gonna pack my bags and never look back
"Pack my bags" has to be the most over-used, thinly-veiled metaphor for leaving in all of country music. I've heard it no less than 3 times in this short listening.

Run a parallel line with the railroad tracks, make my getaway
Well this seems ill-advised. Why run next to the tracks when you can just jump on? Use your head, kid.

Ill put the pedal to the metal as the sun goes down
So now we're driving? I thought we were just running parallel to the tracks? Why were you running in the first place if you had a car? Again, this is a poor getaway. And why are you leaving as the sun goes down? What happened to cover of darkness.?Everyone's gonna know you left dude!

Song: A Real Fine Place to Start
Artist: Sarah Evans
Brief Description: If country music is like a bad night at the theater, female vocals in a country song is like being trapped in a burning theater while seeing Cats for the 5th time.
Comparable Song(s) that I like: I think I covered this one above.
Why I hate it: I feel like I heard this song the last time some ugly harpy came through my headphones. We're at the cock-rock power guitar solo. Just look at these lyrics:

Holdin' you close, chasin' that moon.
spinnin' all night,
lovin' just who you are:
sparks flyin' in the dark.
shootin' out lights, huntin' down dreams,
figurin' out what love really means:
baby givin' you my heart,
is a real fine place to start.

The first lines are bad, but not unreasonably bad. I'll let them go.

Shootin out lights, huntin' down dreams
The letter g must feel so unappreciated in the South.

And shooting out lights must be running up your electric bill. We're in a recession. Act like it.

It's a real fine place to start
Not surprisingly, I have a semantic disagreement here. Ostensibly finding true love is a real fine place to start? Ok, then where is this start taking you? If most heart-sick girls dream of "true love" as you just described it, Ms. Evans, where do you hope we go from here?

You're being unreasonable and greedy and I won't stand for it.

Billy Joel is always my go-to counter-example to demonstrate useless lyrics. This is no different. More on that below.

Song: Since I Quit Drinkin'
Artist: Toby Keith
Brief Description: I actually laughed at this one. Maybe it's because I'm an alcoholic, who knows? The guy quits drinking and soon finds his wife to be intolerable. Not necessarily inventive, but not unfunny either.
Comparable Song(s) that I like: Maybe a funny Irish Pub Song like the Chandeler's Shop.
Why I hate it: This still isn't a song I can ever see myself listening to regularly. It sounds like a song I would laugh at on vacation, maybe listen to a time or two when I got back home, but would soon forget about and would never pay to own.

Theme of hatred #2: The emphasis on the mundane. We've seen people who long to drive minivans. We've heard the description of a typical Saturday night out, and heard the love of "a little grace on Sunday mornings." And now, all the humor in this song derives from household chores. I don't need to hear about your boring-ass life, even if you're making fun of how boring it is. It's boring; don't tell me about it.

Let's take a look at Billy Joel. "Piano Man" is also a song about a Saturday night at a bar. It also features some of the most genius lyrics of all time. Instead of "there's a guy playing piano and drinking a beer," "the piano sounds like a carnival, and the microphone smells like a beer." The old man doesn't get nostalgic about when there were "31 candles on his cake," but rather "when [he] wore a younger man's clothes." And it doesn't get more poetic than "they're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone."

You're a country singer- the ugly, abandoned step-child of the bard. At least pretend like you know what the word "poetry" means.

Song: Love Story
Artist: Taylor Swift
Brief Description: Starts with a plucking acoustic solo. This sounds like every female vocalist who's had any modicum of fame while my sisters have grown up and listened to the radio (Vanessa Carlton, JoJo, Michelle Branch, et al).
Comparable Song(s) that I like: [Blank stare]
Why I hate it: Theme of hatred #3: Predictability. Ok, the formula has proven to sell. I get it. Many find it enjoyable, if not palatable. Fine. But in this short session of shit, I have gotten to the point where I have predicted drum fills, guitar riffs, key changes, and even lyrics. I am not a musician. This is a problem.

Song: I Can Sleep When I'm Dead
Artist: John Michael Carroll
Why I hate it: YES!!!! This is it! This is the end! It's got everything that I hate and I can finally liberate myself from this hell. It starts with a kitschy low voice and the chorus is obnoxiously high. And then it alternates! And here again we see the rogue, wandering, rough neck man trope that is all too common. Look at these fuckin' lyrics:

If there's somethin' goin' on within a hundred miles from home,
Ya gonna hear my V-8 sing
Long as I can beat the train and they got a passing lane,
Baby, I ain't gonna miss a thing
Life's too fun and I'm too young and the night ain't over yet
Like I said I can sleep when I'm dead

First off - - bullshit. There's no way anything all that interesting is going on within 100 miles of home every night; there's just not that much within 100 miles of your home in most of this country (coastal regions notwithstanding). I often drive more than 4 hours at a time throughout the Midwest and I don't pass anything that even resembles the sort of urban area where something would be going on. Your just lying to me, and I don't take kindly to that.

And why are we still so obsessed with trains in country music? Is it because they're easy to rhyme with? I understand the role of the train in 19th century America for the artist, but aren't we a little past that? And if you're a songwriter, don't you think we could get a little better at rhyming? I've got a sister in 1st grade who could tell you a thing or two about rhyming with "train."


I must walk away from what I fear has drawn me in too deeply. I'll boil this down to my three points:

Country music is...
1) Musically unappealing. High vocals; twang; predictable, major chords; no virtuosity. Why bother? Not that this is any different with mainstream pop music, but then again, I don't listen to mainstream pop music either.

2) Where mundane shit abounds. I don't need to hear about you Tuesday afternoon.

3) Predictable. Everything sounds exactly the same. As far as I can gather, there are three types of country songs: the sappy girl-singing love song; the sappy boy-singing love song, and the up-beat, always-sung-by-a-man song about traveling or drinking.

And there you have it. Everything you need to know about country music. Any questions?

Three One Two Four Five

8:30 – This summer, with the job I have, I get to work overnight if I want to. I’m actually doing that right now. It’s not so busy here; there was maybe a half hour’s worth of work to do when I go in, but that’s mostly done, leaving me free to write this nonsense and watch the discovery channel, at least until the Lakers Magic game comes on. Consider this a live blog of a 7pm-7am shift.

I don’t especially care about the NBA; the finals aren’t all that compelling, and I don’t have a rooting interest. I guess it would be cool for Jameer Nelson to win an NBA title, he’s a good guy, it seems. Though it would have been a lot cooler had he won an NCAA Championship. Fucking Oklahoma State. But beyond him, I don’t care about anyone playing anymore, I’m even pretty ambivalent towards Kobe.

All this talk about Kobe’s legacy is boring as hell. Honestly, I couldn’t care less about it, or NBA history in general. There’s very little of interest there; I have no idea how Bill Simmons managed to put together a 700 page book on the subject. It’s not like baseball history, which is incredible. Basketball history is essentially Naismith, Wilt getting laid, the Celtics winning titles, that all-star game where the players refused to play, Kareem, Bird, Magic, MJ, and then present day. I feel like you could pick any decade since like 1890 (maybe excluding the 80s) and there would be more interesting baseball stuff in that ten year period than in the entire history of the NBA.

I moved last weekend and I’m happy that’s done. Moving three people’s stuff in one day just in not a good idea. But the new place is cool. You should come by.

8:54 – National Anthem in LA. The guy is doing a good job, but honestly I prefer just an instrumental version. Regardless, America is amazing. The other day I actually made a list of the greatest Americans in history, and I was going to write about them all and crap, but since the only internet I have is intermittent wireless that reaches from the school I just kinda lost interest. Anyway, here’s the top five: Andrew Jackson, Jim Morrison, Neil Armstrong, Ted Williams, and Mark Twain. This is indisputable; if you disagree I can only presume that you support the terrorists. You’re either with us or against us.

9:03 – Quick flurry of work. Not really much, it took like four minutes and now it’s over, just in time for tip off. I think that Andrew Bynum is going to break out this series, and just annihilate Howard. I don’t like Howard. He’s an absolute beast, and he’s probably known he was bound for the NBA since like middle school. He should have been practicing his foul shots.

9:14 – We have an incredible soda machine here. Like half the time it gives you two cans. Incredible. Maybe this is why the city’s budget is so fucked up. Also, I’m clearly not an economist.

9:24 – Just printed out some guy’s criminal record. It was so many pages I had to use one of those black clip things instead of a paper clip. The guy was committing crimes all over the country, a really serious criminal. Maybe we need like some sort of 18 strike law or something to lock this guy up forever. Unrelated, except for the word strike, but Sandy Koufax twice struck out the side on nine pitches. Only two other players have done it twice. The first time Koufax did it was actually the first inning of his no hitter. Pure dominance.

9:30 – I brought a book to read in case things get really boring and slow: High Fidelity, by Nick Hornby. Being able to read is one of the coolest things about not being in school. After this I’m going to read Choke, by Chuck Palahniuk, Stonehenge, by Bernard Cornwell, and some book on the history of chess that my roommate has the looks interesting. The last book I finished was The King’s Commission, by Dewey Lambdin. It was ok, good enough for me to want to read the next one in the series.

9:45 – Still no work coming in. Come on people, commit some crimes. I just noticed that Nelson is in the game, and is killing it. Awesome. The Phils play in about 20 minutes, getting into the hard part of this road trip. They’ve won like six in a row, are 3.5 up in the Mets, and I feel like there isn’t a team in baseball that they can’t sweep. It’s an incredible team, and I like everyone on it. And now we actually have depth in our system. Happ and Bastardo have done well in the few starts they’ve had, we have a ton of corner outfielders, at all levels, Drabek just got promoted to AA and is flowing there, Carrasco still has great stuff despite struggling this year, and I still have hope for Lou Marson and Joe Savery. Maybe we’ll even move some of these guys to acquire a co-ace. I know it won’t happen, but I’d love to see Ruben bring Roy Halladay to CBP.

10:11 – Oh man, I’m so pumped. I just got back inside from running laps around the CJC, (aside: that bing.com commercial was intense and impressive) trying to burn off some of the enthusiasm-driven energy. Why am I so pumped up? Because I just saw a commercial for the new GI Joe movie. It even had some stuff that wasn’t in the trailers I’ve seen. And holy shit, it looks incredible. Obviously there’s going to be a ton of ass-kicking. I mean, come on, it’s GI Joe. But the great thing about GI Joe, and I really hope the movie handles it well, is how cool the characters are, both the good guys and the bad.

My favorite GI Joe of all time is actually a member of Cobra: Firefly. I doubt he’ll be in this movie, but I would like to see him in a sequel. Dude’s incredible. He’s a demolition expert, great at blowing shit up. He’s a sneaky motherfucker too. But when the GI Joe’s spot him, that’s bad news too, cause he’ll kick their asses. He can fight Snake Eyes to a draw. Also, his action figure is the coolest.

10:31 – Gerber and I are going to write a movie. It’s only in the embryonic stages now, but I can tell it’s going to be great. Look for us to be winning Oscars in 2013.

10:49 – The undergrad intern just left, peacing ten minutes early. There really isn’t anything to do. Also, Kobe is going to sweep the Magic. Penguins won tonight. Fuck them.

11:03 – Doing some busy work. People need to stop being criminals. It’s not cool. But I dunno, I can’t help but feel it’s not all their fault. Not to make excuses, cause come on, stop it, but it’s remarkable how many of the defendants that come through here don’t have jobs. Also, it’s pretty absurd how much time and money is wasted prosecuting people for pretty minor drug offenses. We need to make some jobs and then just leave people alone if they’re not bothering anyone.

Some people, though, are just really fucked up, probably beyond any kind of help. Earlier this week some asshole took an eleven year old girl down some alley and raped her for like an hour. He should be gelded. Police named this guy as a person of interest, and offered a reward. This worked out pretty well: the guy was noticed in his neighborhood, and a bunch of people kicked the shit out of him. While this is pretty gratifying, vigilantism just isn’t a good thing. That group wasn’t the only posse stomping some guy in the name of justice; another group thought they were kicking and bludgeoning this same rapist, but it turned out to be the completely wrong guy. Oops.

11:34 – I really wish the Lakers weren’t killing the Magic so badly now, it would make my night less boring. 2008 World Series MVP Cole Hamels is locked in a pitchers’ duel against Clayton Kershaw, but as I write this Raaaaauuuuuuuuuuul Ibanez just belted an RBI double. Runners on 2nd and 3rd, one out, Pedro Feliz coming to bat. And the Dodgers are pulling Kershaw: 5.1 IP, 7H, 2ER, 5K.

11:40 – I think that maybe an alternate theory of the JFK assassination should be given some consideration. I’ve heard that Lee Harvey Oswald did not shoot Kennedy, and neither did anyone on a grassy knoll anywhere. There was certainly no magic bullet. No, some people are saying that the Secret Service shot JFK and that other guy. Why? Because they had just become zombies, having been very recently bitten. I’ve never seen anything or anyone saying that isn’t the case, so it must be true. Similarly, I’ve also never heard from anyone that Hillary Duff isn’t in to me, so I can only assume that that is equally true.

11:44 – The janitors are here now. I can’t stand the noise vacuum cleaners make. It’s worse than nails on a chalk board.

Randy Johnson won his 300th game tonight, topping the baseball juggernaut that is the Washington Nationals. Randy Johnson is pretty interesting. Obviously he’s a first ballot Hall of Famer, with huge K totals, and he was utterly dominant for a while, but for some reason I don’t think of him right away with Pedro, Maddux, and Clemens. I think part of it might be that he’s been pitching for so far past his peak, and completely reinvented himself. But he’s probably one of the five greatest lefthanders in history, with Koufax, Carlton, Waddell, and I don’t know, maybe Warren Spahn, Carl Hubbell, and Eddie Plank, who I’m almost positive is a lefty. Pretty elite. Slightly related, but did you know that of all the LHP starting pitchers in Cooperstown, the second lowest career ERA belongs to George Herman Ruth?

12:05 – The people at work are watching some show about stupid criminals. The FIghtin’s are up 3-0. Hamels is pitching really well, but has only struck out three through six. But he’s pitching a lot better than in his last start, so hopefully he’s good to go.

Albert Pujols is amazing. Is he top five first basemen of all time already? He’s definitely still behind Gehrig and Foxx, and probably Greenberg too. But I dunno, he could already be on a level with like Willie McCovey and Eddie Murray. And he’s still decently you, probably could play for another ten years. Damn.

12:16 – I’m bored. That’s all.

12:21 – Israel is probably funding the Somali pirates. If they’re not, they should. It’d be such a good move for them. It fucks with Egypt and all the Persian Gulf countries that don’t like Jews, and it brings an even greater American naval presence into the area. It’s a brilliant scheme.

Dave Holmes is on at least two TV shows. That amazes me, it’s two shows too many. Can we really not find anyone better? I think we can. Come on, America.

Most people write the letter “S” from top to bottom. I don’t, I go bottom to top. So does Winston, actually. It’s just more efficient that way, and writing flows better, left to right. What other letters do you end up going right to left? Pretty much only g, p, and y, and they’re fucked up because they go below the line. S’s should be written from bottom to top. Try it, it’s liberating.

12:42 – Phillies just won. Cole rocked the CG SO. 5K, 5H, fewer than 100 pitches. Ace. I doubt more than ten thousand people in LA know or care though, I guess LA had a bigger game tonight. Sometimes I think baseball would be more interesting had teams never moved to the West Coast, and things were a lot more regional, with just the east coast and the Midwest. The Royals could be like the westernmost team. That might be fun, so many rivalries all over the place. Hockey should have done the same thing, and not gone south of DC. Phoenix, really? Ugh, Gary Bettman.

12:55 – Approaching the halfway point. A nap would be huge. Going to go get food.

1:23 – Back to work. Well, not work. Can’t say that I’ve had an hour’s worth of work yet. Combined, the four of us here have done maybe two hours. We’ve also watched two full episodes of The Smoking Gun: World’s Dumbest Criminals. I can’t take this nonsense. What a terrible show.

2:39 – Long hour. Decent amount of work, actually. But that’s done, and now I guess it’s movie time. They put on The Strangers, something I really don’t have any desire to see. So far it’s not good. I don’t need to see people get stabbed. Rest assured, the movie I write with Dick will be better.

2:50 – I wish I had a five hour energy drink. This is clearly the perfect time for one. I know I’ve said it before, but it’s totally worthwhile to repeat: five hour energy is the best energy drink ever made. It’s what God drinks when He gets tired. Just amazing. There’s no crash. Seriously, Guarana has been holding us back for so long. This has rendered Rock Star, Monster, and Red Bull all obsolete.

3:01 – Four hours left. Less, even.

3:07 – People need to stop committing crimes. Everyone would benefit from it. Just be cool.

Since I’m doing this co-op nonsense, I have to go to class once a week for two hours at a time. It’s ridiculous. Including myself, there are four people in the class, plus the teacher. We don’t learn anything, just mostly sit and talk. We talked about what we thought about the first year of law school, other jobs we’ve had, bosses, and some other stuff. I don’t see how we’re supposed to be graded, and more importantly, I don’t see why I need to waste two hours a week. Whatever.

3:26 – Seriously, I can’t stress this enough: stop doing illegal things. It’s incredible, seeing some of these rap sheets that are like 80 pages long. Seriously, people in their fifties who’ve been committing crimes for decades, with no end in sight. I think part of the problem has to be how little jail time these fucks do. And we can’t put anyone in jail, because there’s no room. It’s absurd how fucked up this is. And also, a ton of paper gets wasted here. Pretty much not the most environmentally friendly working environment.

3:48 – Reading CNN.com. It’s an elite news source. So far, the high point has been a Sarah Palin quote from the political ticker, saying that Obama’s fiscal policies “defy economics 101.” If anyone would know, it’s Palin; community college Econ 101 is probably the extent of her economic education. God, she sucks. Second favorite is an article talking about how awesome all the shows on TNT are. TNT and CNN are, of course, owned by the same company. The news is awesome.

4:02 – I guess it’s time for the second half of tonight’s double feature; the guys who get paid to be here just put on Goodfellas. It’s a decent movie, much better than The Strangers. I just wish that Ray Liotta weren’t in it. Nothing against him, but I don’t see Henry Hill, I see Shoeless Joe Jackson. Third highest batting average of all time. He came up with the A’s and I wish he would have stayed in Philly playing his whole career for Connie Mack. He wouldn’t have been caught up in all that 1919 nonsense, and then who knows what he could have done. Challenge Ruth as biggest star of the 20s? Possible.

There are so many cool hypotheticals with baseball. What if Ted Williams had never missed time for two wars? What if Ty Cobb had tried to hit for power? How far would Matt Stairs hit a Walter Johnson fastball? What if Micky Mantle had been sober his whole career? How ridiculous would Satchel Paige’s numbers be if he hadn’t been stuck in the Negro Leagues? What about Josh Gibson? Sadaharu Of?

4:38 – No one writes kick ass songs about America anymore, and that sucks. We need like a God Bless America for this decade. And please don’t let it be a Toby Keith song.

Ok, more about books. Gatsby is pretty much held up as the book representative of the twenties. Same with Grapes of Wrath for the Thirties, Keroac for that era, you know. So what book is going to come to be considered to represent the 80s and 90s? Bright Lights, Big City is cool, written in the second person, but really isn’t that great a book. American Psycho nails that time period, but a whole lot of hookers get killed. Maybe Fight Club? Though the fighting and shit kinda overshadows a lot of that, especially in the movie. Also, Phillip Ross sucks, I’ve never been impressed with him. I’d say that Richard Russo is the best American novelist right now.

5:12 – So a couple weeks ago I wrote an all-star team of baseball movie characters. I was going to do the same for hockey, but there really isn’t enough for a full post. So I’ll put it here. The first line is Adam Banks centering Connor Banks and Ned Braden. Second line is Dean Youngblood, Stevie Weekes, and Gunner Stahl. Third line, my checking line, is the Hanson Brothers. First defensive pairing would be Reggie Dunlop and Tree, and the second would be Fulton Reed and John Beebee. Starting goalie is Julie the Cat Gaffney, backed up by the French Canadian guy that Keanu Reaves plays in Youngblood. It’s not a full roster because hockey movies just don’t have them.

5:40 – About an hour left. Goodfellas is still going strong, the Lufthansa heist just went down. I’m trying to decide if I want to walk home or pay the two dollars for the subway. If it’s not raining I’ll probably walk. Getting to wear jeans to work is great, way better than a suit.

6:10 – Wandered around for a little bit just now. Things are coming alive upstairs. Even down here people are starting to trickle in. More lights are on, printers are making noise, feet have come down off desks. Shit is getting serious. At least Goodfellas is still on. That Henry Hill is one traitorous bastard.

6:25 – I just saw a commercial for some sort of museum exhibit about Galileo and the Medici family. Also, work is pretty much wrapped up.

6:50 – The seven o’clock people are in now. Leaving.