I guess I'll concede... that you're a dumbass

Wow. I can’t believe this. It’s inconceivable that one person could be so wrong so consistently. Dick, you’re like the Ann Coulter of the Mighty Ducks. I feel like I need to address the few “points” you made in this reply, because, unsurprisingly, they’re wrong.

First, you say that Conway was the one that was challenging Bombay to be great. That’s ridiculous. Throughout the whole first movie, Bombay was mostly driven by a desire to get into Charlie’s mom’s pants, and that’s not really so attributable to Charlie.

Then, you point to Charlie’s leadership, saying he welcomed Banks to the team “on behalf of the Ducks.” What you fail to mention is that his teammates nevertheless shun Banks until he proves himself on the ice. In fact, as Charlie is saying this, one of the Hall brothers is pushing him back to shut him up, and then calls Banks a cake-eater. Clearly, Charlie was not the respected locker room presence you make him out to be.

As far as Conway’s penalty shot goal goes, it should also be pointed out that after he was pulled down on the breakaway, when the team is gathered by the bench waiting for Bombay to say who will take the shot, Charlie’s teammates don’t want Charlie to shoot. They’re appalled by the suggestion. Even Charlie is shocked by the decision, preferring to defer to a different player, I think Jesse Hall, but that might not be exactly right. Maybe it was Averman. Anyway, the point still stands that in the pivotal point of his hockey career, Conway didn’t want to lead his team, and his team didn’t want him to either.

You then ask me to find an instance of Banks sacrificing for his team as Conway did. While I can do this easily, and Banks playing through the wrist injury in D2 until Bombay finds out leaps to mind (“just imagine how well you would play with two wrists”) it’s not an apt comparison. Charlie was able to sacrifice like this, giving up his spot in the lineup, because he was an easily replaceable role player; Banks was a superstar, not so easily replaced. Banks is like Gretzky, Conway just another Dave Semenko.

Moving on, you say that Conway was such a great leader that he was given the C by Coach Orion at Eden Hall. Conveniently, you fail to mention that he abandoned his team, leaving them behind to ride roller coasters and puke in trashcans. That’s not a leader.

Finally, you cite the order in which Wikipedia credits the Ducks for their win over the varsity, which is just a terribly stupid idea. If Vincent LaRusso had gone on to star in Dawson’s Creek Banks would undoubtedly be credited first here. Seriously, I can’t believe I’ve wasted so much time on this today. Banks is without a doubt the most valuable Duck.

I will concede...

but only to Banks' on-ice play being superior to Conway's (although you did leave out that it was Conway who executed the triple deke to beat the Hawks in the first Mighty Ducks, stunning the opposition, defying the odds, and spurring the sequels that allowed Banks to shine).

However, I need you to (just this once!) get below the surface, Gimpy. Look at the off-ice leadership demonstrated by Conway. He's the one who challenges Bombay to be great, over and again. It's even Conway who welcomes Banks himself to the team, "on behalf of the ducks" I might add. And as you correctly pointed out, it was Conway who gave up his spot for Banks to play at the Goodwill Games (though I'm pretty sure Banks had to use witchcraft to get back from that broken wrist inside of 36 hours). Find me an example of Banks sacrificing for the team like that!


It's that sort of leadership that earned Charlie the C by the end of the third movie (you also forgot about his game-saving, up-ending, destruction of the Varsity goon to finally demonstrate his commitment to two-way hockey.

And in closing, I'll quote wikipedia, the preeminent source for all things D3: "Thanks in large part to the work of Charlie, Adam Banks' return and the last-minute arrival of Fulton Reed's "Bash Brother," Dean Portman, who had not come to Eden Hall with the rest of the Ducks, the Ducks win 1-0 on a shorthanded goal in the final seconds of the game from unlikely scorer Goldberg, who had switched positions from goalie to defenseman."

Even Wikipedia credits Charlie first! Verdict: Banks is still a cake-eater.

Dick Gerber is a Baby-Rapist

I know I’m being baited. I know it, and I don’t care.

How dare you?

I’ve read a lot of asinine things in the course of writing for this site, ranging from Chuck Norris’ political thoughts to Jay Mariotti’s self-serving garbage. None of that made me madder than just one sentence: “Charlie Conway was the most important player on the Ducks.” He was not. To suggest that he was shows a terrible misunderstanding not only of hockey, but of general human interaction.

Putting aside all hyperbole, I can still state unequivocally that Adam Banks was the most important player on the Ducks, the most vital to their success. Through all three of the Ducks’ greatest triumphs it is Banks, not Conway, leading the way.

Before even getting into who is more important, Banks or Conway, I feel that it is important to make it absolutely clear that Banks was a better player than Conway. In their peewee days this was made abundantly clear; Coach Riley, a Minneapolis peewee coaching legend, said that Banks had the potential to be the best he had ever seen. Even when they entered high school, impartial observers acknowledged that Banks was the better player; coaches Orion and Wilson chose Banks to play on varsity while relegating Conway to JV. There is no question that Banks was the more talented player, and while that goes a great distance towards being the most important, it does not quite clinch it. But the gulf between the two is so wide, and Banks brought so much more to the team than just skill, that Banks is the most important Duck.

Adam Banks’ first peewee team is the Hawks, a talented, well-coached peewee powerhouse. At this time, Conway was merely struggling to stay on his skates as his team, District 5, was mired at the bottom of the standings. Then Coach Bombay showed up, and the Ducks began to turn things around. Even though they were playing dirty, they were able to put together a string of wins, largely attributable to Bombay’s coaching. Things really began looking up for the Ducks when they acquired Banks. Banks was able to put the team on his shoulders and rocket them up the standings and into the playoffs, even earning the respect of his teammates. Charlie Conway spent most of this time whining.

In the Championship Game, Ducks against the Hawks, Coach Riley made clear who he thought was the most important player on the Ducks, the kind of honest evaluation that only an opponent can provide. By having a goon injure Banks, he was clearly showing that Banks was the player on the Ducks that he feared the most, the most valuable, the most important, and the most likely to beat him. I’d bet that having someone injure Conway never even crossed Riley’s mind. If Banks had been able to play that whole game a late penalty shot never would have been necessary, it would have been put out of reach much earlier.

When the Ducks represented the United States in the Junior Goodwill Games, even Charlie Conway acknowledged that Banks was more important than he was. As Banks was returning from injury (yes, another team decided that he was the one they needed to take out with a cheap shot, not Conway), there was no available roster spot, and Banks’ place had been given to the knucklepuck kid. Here Conway, recognizing that Banks was more vital to the team’s success, gave up his own roster spot so Banks could dress for the game. Naturally, Banks went on to score the winning goal in the shootout, clinching the gold medal, while Conway looked on in street clothes from the bench.

When the Ducks go on the play at Eden Hall, further proof is given of Banks’ greater importance to the Ducks. While Banks is on the varsity team, the Ducks struggle considerably, despite, and at times because of, Conway’s presence. They blew an enormous lead against a team that they should have beaten handily, with the final, tying goal coming after Conway lost the puck while trying to pad his stats. Then the JV decided to play a game against Banks’ team, the varsity team, and got smoked. It was a massacre that devolved into a brawl.

Several days later, after an appearance by Coach Bombay, the Ducks again faced off against the varsity, only this time Banks was back with his old team. The results were markedly different, as Banks miraculously stopped the Varsity captain from scoring on an open net to set up the game winning goal. There were only two differences between the Ducks’ lineup that beat the Varsity and the lineup that got annihilated: Dean Portman, and Adam Banks.

Adam Banks was the very definition of valuable; simply put, when he was with the Ducks, they won, and when he wasn’t, they lost. The same can’t be said about any other player, not Conway, not Goldberg, not either of the Bash Brothers, no one. Banks was the most important Duck, bar none.

Greatness: A treatise

This is old, but it's been requested, so I figured I would throw it up here. I wrote it about three years ago, but some of it is still good. Part of it was slightly modernized.

Hockey is a sport steeped in history and tradition. Many greats have left their mark on the game; Mario Lemieux, Maurice “the Rocket” Richard, Bobby Orr, and Bernie Parent are all enshrined in the sport’s Hall of Fame. But one player, over the span of his career, has not only carried on the legacy of past hockey immortals, but has surpassed them in every facet of the game. This player, this legend, if you will, is unequivocally the best hockey player of all time; he could skate, he could shoot with power and accuracy, he had amazing vision, he could dance through any number of defensemen, and above all he always found a way to win. His number, 99, is immediately associated with him in the minds of all who saw him play. I am speaking, of course, about Adam Banks.

Banks, commonly called “Banksy” and “Cake-eater” by his friends and teammates, rose from humble beginnings in Minneapolis, Minnesota. His father was a douche, and his mother was largely absent, eschewing early morning practices and cross-state drives through snow and rain and heat and gloom of night. But Adam struggled through all this, like a professional struggler in the prime of his struggling career, and eventually won a spot on the most prestigious peewee hockey team in Minnesota, the Hawks. The Hawks are a storied peewee franchise, and many greats have left their mark on the rafters of the Hawks’ arena, most notably Gordon Bombay. But Adam Banks was something special; taking Coach Riley’s tutelage to heart, Banks lived by the saying, “It’s not worth winning if you can’t win big.” And win big is exactly what Banks did. He tore through the competition, averaging two hat tricks a game. But then tragedy struck! Or was it merely opportunity knocking? Hmm…

Midway through the 1992 season a recent redistricting of the peewee hockey districts was brought to light. Minnesota had been gerrymandered! Well, as you might expect, the Hawks were gutted. And by that I basically mean that they lost their heart and soul. Heart and soul being code for best player. And best player representing Adam Banks. Yes, Adam Banks. You see, he should not have even been on the Hawks at all that season; he should have been on the Ducks of District Five. The change would be dramatic for Banks, as his new teammates didn’t accept him initially, and because the district was nothing more than a cesspool of fecal matter and the tears of infants. But banks was able to lift the team onto his back and carry them to a State Championship, beating the Hawks. He was even so humble in doing so that he let his coach, the aforementioned Gordon Bombay, take the majority of the credit and the nickname. Yes, it’s true: Adam Banks is the real Minnesota Miracle Man.

Having conquered youth hockey in the state of Minnesota Banks took the next logical step: conquering youth hockey the world over. So he anonymously penned an epistle to President Bill Clinton, Mother Theresa, and Bill Watterson, calling for the Junior Goodwill Games to be brought back. And when a letter is sent anonymously, people act. These three specific people, known throughout Norse mythology as the Legion of Doom (apologies to Mikael Renberg), quickly organized the event, obtaining corporate sponsorship from Hendrix Sporting Goods. Adam Banks was, naturally, selected to represent the United States, along with the majority of his peewee team, even though they were just a bunch of freeloaders piggybacking on Banks; surreal, sublime talent. Speaking of sublime talent, these games would be the first time that Banks played against Gunner Stahl, pretty much the Icelandic Adam Banks. Except not as good and Adam Banks, because Banksy is the best. Well, with scouts in attendance, Banks and Stahl did not disappoint, showing why they had been projected to go first and second in the NHL draft since before they turned four. Banks and Stahl led their teams on romps through the competition, with Stahl leading the tournament in scoring, and Banks leading it in both awesomeness and the ability to come back from an injury, hold a hockey stick, and say, “no pain.” Adam Banks truly lived by the same credo as Dalton in Roadhose, “pain don’t hurt.” Yes, it was during the Junior Goodwill Games that Adam Banks became invincible. Hockey legends don’t die, they just fade away.

In this single most dramatic game in sports history (choke on that, Mike Eruzione), the Banks-led team USA and the Stahl-led team Iceland clashed. It was a battle of titans, with Iceland jumping out to an early lead. After two periods the Ducks trailed by three. But then Banks had the brilliant idea to knit new Ducks jerseys for everyone on the team, and accomplished this before the second intermission ended. Team USA came out super fired up, all because of Adam Banks. But Banks wasn’t done there, not by a long shot. Just to prove that he could, he found a way to have a four foot tall figure skater score, cutting the deficit by one. Then, because the thousands in attendance and billions watching at home wanted to see him put on a show, Banks embarrassed the entire Iceland team, netting a spectacular goal. Down only by one, Banks was looking for a real challenge. On a bet from Michael Oliwakandi, Banks took the less funny star of Nickelodeon’s Kenan and Kel and had him send the game into overtime. The only thing that Banks regrets about all this is how much Kenan Thompson and SNL suck right now.

The shootout was far and away the most epic in the history of ever. Peter Forsberg’s Olympic goal in 1994 may have been put on a stamp (in Sweden, so it barely counts), but Adam Banks’ is engraved in the memories of a generation. After four shooters, Iceland and the US were tied with three goals apiece. Jesse Hall had beaten the Icelandic goalie, though Dwayne Robertson had been stopped. Greg Goldberg looked ordinary at best in goal for the US. As the crowd tensed with tension and anticipation, Adam Banks skated to center ice. His face was impassive, to him this was nothing. He knew he wouldn’t choke, he’s never even worn a Mets hat/ While thinking about whether he would next learn to fly or stick to walls, Banks skated in on goal, deked the goalie, and deftly deposited the puck into the net. The crowd erupted in cheers, while Banks calmly composed a sonnet in his head about the wonders of alliteration. The US was up by one. Iceland had just one shooter left: Gunner Stahl. But Adam Banks wasn’t worried, he had a plan. While no one was looking, Banks quickly threw on goalie pads, stole Julie Gaffney’s jersey, took her spot on the bench, and waited. He knew what was coming. Coach Bombay, moved undoubtedly by the awesomeness permeating from Banks, decided to change goalies, going with Julie the Cat. Or so everyone thought. In reality, she was lying facedown in the tunnel to the dressing room. She wouldn’t be standing in the way of greatness. So Bombay turns to Banks and tells him to get in goal, and that Stahl will go glove side. Pretending to be nervous, Banks asked what if Stahl didn’t go glove side, despite knowing all along that “He’s fancy, he’ll go glove side.” Well, of course, Banks made the save, won the tournament for his country, and skated the American flag around the ice. Truly a monumental achievement. Everyone soon filed off the ice, and a celebration began in the locker room. The Secretary General of the United Nations came to present Banks with a plaque. The inscription said, “This is presented in recognition of the supreme greatness of Adam Banks, a giant among men. The best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.”

But Banks was nowhere to be found. To him the accolades meant nothing, the praise and awards were meaningless and empty. To Banks all that mattered was the game.