Yeah?

Really, you want to get into this? Ok.

Hello, My Friend, Hello

It's been too long since I posted, so here's a quick thought to remind the Phils they still love it in the can.

Curses are dumb

People, for the most part, are stupid. They watch Fox News, take quizzes on Facebook, and are responsible for Larry the Cable Guy. Most appallingly, though, many of them believe in sports curses. Even the writers of this site aren’t above this; at least part of Gerber believes that the Mets are sucking so badly this year because they started an affiliation with the AAA Buffalo Bison (pronounced bi-zon). But that’s asinine. The Mets are struggling because they have a terrible GM, who was brought in to replace a terrible GM, who in turn replaced another terrible GM. They don’t pay overslot for draft picks, opting instead to do things like giving $25 million contracts to Luis Castillo. And, well, everyone on that team, with the exception of Johan Santana, is a little bitch. There is no curse. Here are the real reasons behind some other famous sports curses.

Let’s get the biggest one out of the way, the Curse of the Bambino. The Red Sox went from 1918 to 2004 without winning the World Series. Some people thought that it was because the franchise was cursed, doomed to mediocrity because they had sold promising pitcher George Ruth to the Yankees. Other people realize that this 86 year stretch happened mostly because Tom Yawkey, longtime Red Sox owner, was a terrible, terrible racist. He had the first chance to sign Jackie Robinson, but he passed. Robinson and Ted Williams in the same lineup? Damn. The team also had the chance to sign Willie Mays, Hank Aaron, and Ernie Banks. Declined on all three. Seriously, the Red Sox didn’t integrate until after Jackie Robinson had retired. The Yawkey family sold the team before the 2003 season. Since then? Two World Series.

Whining about curses isn’t exclusive to the American League. Cubs fans do it too. They call it the Curse of the Billy Goat. It’s not worth repeating here. The real reason the Cubs haven’t won a World Series since 1908? Their winningest pitcher is Charlie Root. How much success could they legitimately expect?

Curses aren’t exclusive to baseball either. Just ask a Detroit Lions fan. In 1958 the team traded quarterback Bobby Layne to the Steelers. Layne allegedly said that the Lions wouldn’t win for fifty years. They haven’t. What can explain this curse? Well, Barry Sanders is the only memorable Lion I can think of. He realized the futility of playing for the Lions and retired early. Here’s a list that some guy made of the top 75 Lions of all time. Look at the top 10. Seven of them played all, or a significant portion, of their career before 1958. You have to go down to #59 on the list to find a quarterback who played after Layne.

Some curses affect more than one team, afflicting whole cities. Until this past October, Philadelphia was plagued by the Curse of William Penn. Prior to the Phillies becoming World Fucking Champions, no Philadelphia team had won a title since One Liberty Place was built, becoming the first building to rise higher than the statue of William Penn on the top of City Hall. There was no curse. People like Rich Kotite, Ray Rhodes, and Donovan McNabb’s gaping vagina kept the Eagles from winning the Superbowl. The Flyers never won the Stanley Cup because they’ve had goalies like Roman Cechmanek, Robert Esche, Garth Snow, a very old John Vanbiesbrouck, and Martin Biron. The Sixers didn’t win anything because they were never able to find anyone good who could play with AI. And the Phillies, the losingest team in all of sports, were held down by decisions like putting in Mitch Williams, giving Ed Wade a job, letting Ed Wade keep his job, and still not firing Ed Wade. Plus, they never should have traded Larry Bowa and that second baseman throw in.

And the Phillies just won, sweeping the Cubs. Time to go do something else.

Oh, hey, look, we still have a blog

Ok, so we haven’t said much recently. Whatever, it’s summer. Here are a bunch of words that won’t really say much of anything.

Right now I’m watching the Mets beat the Cardinals. Thrilling. I’m sorry, but the Mets just are not a good baseball team right now. I don’t see how they’ll make the playoffs this year. Nelson Figueroa is pitching well though, bailing out an injured Jon Niese. Honestly, this game hasn’t been all that exciting. My favorite part so far has been learning that Jeff Francoeur has yet to draw a non-intentional walk since being traded. Also, Pujols has a six at bat hit streak going, with at least two doubles and two home runs in that stretch. In his most recent plate appearance, though, he was hit in the forearm. David Wright better watch out next time he comes up.

Last night Prince Fielder went nuts after being hit with two outs in the ninth, rampaging through the bowels of Dodger Stadium looking for Guillermo Mota. Um, ‘roid rage? Let’s be honest, he’s probably been doing that stuff since he was twelve. Dodgers-Brewers game tonight could be a shit show. Or, more likely, the umpires will warn both dugouts before the first pitch, and the game will be boring.

HBO is offering August Rush on demand through the end of August. It’s such a good movie, I can’t think of anything better to watch when hung over. I think they blew it by not marketing the movie that way.

Cardinals just threw at David Wright’s head! Bottom six, Mets are up 7-0. Wright got out of the way. Warnings issued. Wright grounds into a double play. Last Thursday, some Giants pitcher had the audacity to throw at Chase Utley’s head. Four pitches later Utley put the ball out of the park. I know it’s just anecdotal, but maybe this is why the Phillies are the reigning World Fucking Champions and the Mets are, well, the Mets. And seriously, I can’t overstate how cool Chase Utley is.

The GI Joe movie comes out Friday. I’ve been alternating between excited and terrified. They’ve been advertizing it so much I feel like they’re trying to trick people into going to see it. Whatever, there’s no way I won’t see it. And it’s GI Joe, so it’s going to be good. I just found out today that it was written by the people who wrote Four Brothers. That was a movie that I expected to be awful, but it actually wasn’t bad at all. So I guess there’s hope. The fight between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow needs to be really bad ass. Really though, I think everything is going to come down to these accelerator suits. If they’re as idiotic as they sound, the movie is probably fucked. But if they’re ok, there’s hope.

Francoeur just drew a walk! Swear to God. That’s probably a good note to end on.

Like I needed another reason not to like the Red Sox

So Manny Ramirez was suspended 50 games for testing positive for steroids. Let’s be honest, he was probably cheating in ’04 and ’07. Whatever. David Ortiz and Jason Varitek were almost definitely on steroids too. I don’t care. The Phillies still won in 2008. See:



Haven’t posted that in a really long time. Still great. Anyway, it was pretty fun to read Bill Simmons today. I’m pretty sure he spent most of today fighting back tears. But really, this isn’t a big deal, and Manny will still almost certainly get into the Hall of Fame eventually. But if they let in all these steroid users, and they’re going to have to, I really want to see Shoeless Joe and Pete Rose in there. Also, what the fuck, how is Jose Canseco never wrong about anything?

Lots of other things have been happening, but since I’m stuck in the middle of exams I feel like I’m missing everything. Some stuff is just too omnipresent to avoid.

Bristol Palin seems to be just as narcissistically attention-seeking as her mother, and is pretty much dominating the internet with her abstinence campaign. Yeah, good luck with that. I’m sure if they get Shawn Kemp on board they’ll really change some lives. Is she really being held up as a role model?

Somebody on TV said that Joe the Plumber was leaving the Republican Party. I don’t know if I’m more surprised that the GOP is still around or that Joe is. I won’t miss either.

Jon Edwards is in the news a lot now too, I guess because his wife’s book is being released. And his lady friend wants a DNA test for the kid. Yeah, this is something else that I just don’t care about.

Um, Kiefer Sutherland headbutted someone? That’s actually pretty cool. Sometimes people just need to be headbutted.

People still seem to care about Miss California. I still think the woman that won was hotter.

Mormon’s baptized President Obama’s mother after she died. That’s weird, but not a big deal. I can’t imagine that’s something that God is really gonna be bothered by.

Some people are pissed off that Michelle Obama wore shoes that cost more than five hundred dollars. Fuck that, she’s a millionaire, she can afford them, good for her.

Brett Favre isn’t going to play for the Vikings. At least that’s what he’s saying this week. Next week, who knows?

The Marlins keep losing, making instant-history ESPN hosts look even more like assholes. It’s a shame they couldn’t play all 162 games against the Nationals. I know it would never be ok, but I kinda wish MLB had relegation. The Nats are not a major league team.

Gary Bettman is fixing the NHL playoffs. You can’t convince me otherwise.

Seriously, Shoeless Joe Jackson needs to be in Cooperstown. Honestly, I kinda think that Roy Hobbs should be too.

Probably the best baseball movie that no one has heard of is Bleacher Bums, starring the brother from Everybody Loves Raymond. It’s basically just a group of people sitting in the bleachers at Wrigley making bets about the game. It’s incredible.

Solipsism is a pretty fun-sounding word.

Every time I ride the subway I think that might be the day I start my successful gypsy career.

I’m sick of hearing about Arlen Specter. He was fun for like twelve minutes. That ended.

I’m almost done with my first year of law school, I think that gives me a pretty good shot at being named to the Supreme Court.

President George W. Bush has been raising a ton of money for his Presidential Library. This only confirms that he probably is a really cool guy, just a terrible President.

I’m pretty sick of PETA. People need to leave Mike Vick alone. There are Superbowls to be won with him and Tim Tebow on the same team, on the field at the same time, co-running a double wildcat offense. It just sucks that Bill Belichik is going to be the only coach daring enough to give it a shot.

I recently finished Joe Morgan’s autobiography. It was awesome. He’s a terrible broadcaster, but a pretty cool guy. Some great stories in there, my favorite being that on the 83 Phils Gary Matthews would usually be taken out of the game around the seventh inning for a defensive replacement, because by that point in that game he was usually too hammered to play. Gotta love Sarge.

So yeah, there’s been a lot of news that I’ve barely been paying attention to, but I don’t feel like I’m missing much. Thumbs tomorrow, I promise.

Things I've been thinking about while not writing

Is there any better way to start a post than by talking about dinosaurs? Nope, didn’t think so. TIME has an article online about how they died, adding another voice to the chorus of people claiming that an asteroid was not responsible for the mass extinction of the dinosaurs. This article doesn’t really offer an alternative theory, but does present a lot of geological evidence in support of its thesis. I guess this adds weight to the volcano theory, which the geologists mention towards the end of the article as a possibility.

In her most recent online column, Ann Coulter continues to show how, um, special she is. She attacks Manhattan for being “traitorous,” attacks Janet Napolitano for warning against right wing extremists, and, in my favorite statement of this week, describes liberals as having “absolutely no morals and yet are ferociously judgmental.” Now, I could go on probably forever about how this last sentence is a pretty clear case of the pot calling the kettle black, but that wouldn’t show just how terrible a person Coulter is. Instead, I’m just going to tell you what this article was about. You’re probably thinking it’s got something to do with homeland security, probably that warning that was sent out across the country warning about conservative radicals. Well, you’re wrong. It’s her obituary to her mother. She fills it with so much hate and anger directed towards Democrats it’s just scary. I think something might be wrong with her.

After last night, I kinda feel bad for any baseball fan that isn’t also a Phillies fan. Seriously, this team is amazing; last night’s game just gives further evidence of that. The Phils got terrible pitching from their starter, Joe Blanton, and fell behind early. But then Ryan Howard launched a grand slam, tying the game at six. The Phils fell behind again, and again came back to tie it at seven. Then Scott Eyre came in to pitch the eighth inning, and all hell broke loose, leaving the Fightins down four after seven and a half. But the most fun team in baseball wouldn’t put up with that nonsense. Pedro Feliz, who didn’t start the game, got the rally going, and hits by Rollins and Utley followed, along with a sac fly by Victorino. Howard and Werth both walked, bring Raul Ibanez to the plate with the Phils down two. He got a first pitch fastball and unloaded on it, sending a line drive over the wall in right field for another grand slam. Madson came in and shut down the Nats, getting the save. All but one of the Phillies’ wins this year have been come from behind; in their sweep of that Marlins this weekend they won two games which they trailed heading into the ninth. It’s incredible; they’re getting terrible pitching and still finding ways to win. It’s just such a fun team to watch.

In other sports stuff, the Ducks knocked the Sharks out of the playoffs. What’s Joe Thornton’s deal? Even going back to his time in Boston, his teams tore it up in the regular season, but once the postseason started they just got steamrolled. It’s almost starting to make the trade that sent him to San Jose defensible from the Bruin’s perspective. Chicago beat the Flames, knocking them out of the playoffs; they’ll go on to play the Canucks, and the winner of that matchup will go on to lose to the Red Wings, who look absolutely unstoppable. Two game sevens tonight, with the New York Sean Averys looking to avoid choking away their series against the Caps, and Martin Brodeur looking to hold off the Hurricanes, who have looked surprisingly good. Both games should be interesting, if the Rangers don’t fold in the first ten minutes. Also, I’m sure some basketball stuff happened last night.

Alright, swine flu. What’s the deal with this? People are flipping out all over the place, Matt Drudge predictably fanned the flames over the weekend, and the number of reported cases in America is in double digits now. But are people actually dying from this? I mean, I understand that this is killing people in Mexico, but that’s a third world country without really any hospitals. We’re better than that. CNN has a story about a teenager from New York who had swine flu, popped two Tamiflu pills, and is fine now. So let’s stop flipping out about this; just wash your hands, stay away from Mexico, and stop whining. Also, if you’re Rush Limbaugh, stop blaming this on Obama. Seriously.

My favorite story in a really long time is this one from the Huffington Post. Yep, conservatives actually believe that Stephen Colbert is also a conservative. This is so incredibly dumb I just don’t know how to react to it. Seriously, I had to read that article like three times. I’m pretty sure that the people who believe Colbert is a conservative had ancestors who were eating babies in Ireland in the beginning of the eighteenth century.

Some Polish pianist is making waves today after he went on an anti-American rant at a concert in LA Sunday night, leading people to walk out of the concert. The guy is pissed that the US is installing a missile defense shield in Poland, because evidently he is in favor of a nuclear holocaust. The guy said he would never perform in the United States again. Good, I hope he never comes back. Fuck him.

The British are kicking a druid out of Stonehenge, though the guy has been living there since last June. Whatever, go for it. The only cool part about this is the guy’s name. It used to be John Rothwell, but in 1976 he had it legally changed to King Arthur Pendragon. The guy is clearly crazy, but that’s just an awesome name.

Exchanging Lineups

A is for Ashburn
Whom I never saw play,
But loved on the radio
Joining Harry’s play by play.

B is for Brogna
My childhood hero.
Probably explains
Why I'm still such a zero.

C is for Cole,
Carlton reborn.
Two lefties leaving
The batter forlorn.

D is for Dallas Green
Played for both; K'ed nary a hitter.
Didn't stop there - -
For both, became a Skipper.

E is for Eisenreich
A rightfielder with pluck.
Had a powerful arm
And shit, bitch, ass, fuck!

F is for Franco
The first New York captain.
Fuck Derek Jeter
And the Yanks while we're at it.

G is for Gary,
Sarge and his hat.
Equally good
With a mic or a bat.

H is for HoJo
And the '86 Series.
Waiting to get back there
Is making me weary.

I is for Inky
And his mighty swing.
Joe Carter sure robbed him
Of that World Series Ring.

J is for John Olerud
Hit for the cycle - - how you like that?
They say that his swing
Was as hard as his hat.

K is for Kalas
The voice of the Phils.
His call of Game 5
Provides nothing but chills.

L is for Losingest
The very first season set the mark.
Even still, rooting for the Mets
Takes a lot of heart.

M is for Moyer,
The ageless wonder.
Looking for a fastball
Is quite a blunder.

N is for no No-Nos.
Bleeders, bloops, and frozen ropes,
Teams always hit at least one,
And I'm starting to lose hope.

O is for Owens
And Pat Gillick too.
To each man fans owe
A heartfelt “Thank you.”

P is for Piazza;
Most dingers ever for a 2.
Still wish Mike speared Clemens
With the broken bat he threw.

Q is for quaint,
Which the Vet never was.
But the roar from the top
Would give visitors pause.

R is for Rich,
As Lenny’s become;
Steroids or cash,
He has quite the sum.

S is for Stocker
His career peaked in ’93.
But I still have his rookie card,
It’s mint condition. Fuck me.

T is for Tug
A Phil and a Met.
Ya gotta believe
He’d be a safe bet.

U is for Utley,
World Fucking Champ.
Is an MVP next
For this loveable scamp?

V is for Valentine
And his Eye Black mustache.
Said Sayonara for Japan
And now is swimming in cash.

W is for Williams,
The Wild Thing, Mitch.
If only he’d never
Been brought in to pitch.

X is for Xavier
A short-lived, but great Met.
Brought a tear to my eye
When they sent him to Pitt.

Y is for Youth
Much of mine I passed
Watching the Phils
Struggle in last.

Z is for Zambrano,
Not the good one, but Victor.
Fuck you, Steve Phillips.



Dick and I wrote this, inspired by this Ogden Nash Poem. I wrote the first letter, and from there we alternated. We're both better at poetry than Winston. Baseball starts soon. Get excited.

Sunday Night Baseball

I was all set to write about this Barack Obama, Special Olympics thing that’s been going on. I was several paragraphs in, and it was really good. But I had to stop writing it. Something even more retarded was happening. United States vs. Japan, WBC semifinals. It was on ESPN. Jon Miller was calling the game. Joining him in the box? Joe Morgan and Steve Phillips, baseball's answer to Matt Millen and Mike Millbury. Get excited, everyone.

Derek Jeter is playing short. I understand why the Yankees do it: they don’t have anyone better. But Jeter is the third best defensive shortstop on this team, at least. Mark DeRosa is better defensively than Jeter, and he’s playing first. I’m pretty sure Evan Longoria played short in college, and he’s on the bench. But worst of all, Jimmy Rollins, gold glove shortstop, is DHing! If they really feel the need to play the Captain, why not have him DH, and let Jimmy play defense. He can go left.

Here are some things that Joe Morgan and Steve Phillips have said:
* Team USA is going to win because they’re mentally tough. Also, Roy Oswalt, the starting pitcher, added as an afterthought.
* Bottom 1st, 2-0 count, did they just cut Joe Morgan’s mic? I really think they did.
* Joe Morgan is talking about middle infielders being able to play other positions. I love it. Stick to what you know.
* Joe is comparing Adam Dunn to Ted Williams. VORPies everywhere are rejoicing.
* I’ve blocked them out at this point. It’s good to be back in midseason form.

I should respond to Gerber’s post the other day about David Wright. I’ll give him credit for playing hurt, he’s American hero, and seeing him knock in Jimmy was harmonious. In two weeks he’ll go back to being a fascist pederast.

McDonalds is advertising on Japan’s batting helmets. Seriously.

Top 3, Jeter grounds up the middle, Japanese shortstop goes to his left, throws Jeter out, making the captain jealous.

Fukodome really isn’t a good defensive center fielder: misplaying the Wright double off the wall and the Jimmy single in the first. Him being an all-star last year was a joke.

Bottom three: really nice play by Wright fielding a bunt, Scott Rolen esque. No joke, it was just really nice. Cue text from Dick: “somebody suck David Wright’s dick right now!” Oh, and then he throws the next ball into right field. He must have been distracted.

“Slidepiece” – Steve Philips, bottom 4. That means it’s baseball season.

America is losing, though they could have had a much better team. Real Team USA lineup, cause I’m bored:
Rollins – SS
Wright – 3B
Utley – 2B
Teixeira – 1B
Braun – LF
McCann - C
Sizemore – CF
Markakis – RF
Rotation of Hamels, Halladay, Sabathia, and Lincecum, with Lidge, Nathan, and Papelbon in the bullpen. Iannetta, BJ Upton, Mark DeRosa, Evan Longoria, and Josh Hamilton on the bench. Charlie Manuel managing.

JRoll works a walk top five, after being down 0-2. He’s an American hero, 2-2 with a walk. Right after that, David Wright strikes out looking, proving once again that he hates America. When asked for comment after the game he was unable to speak, seeing as how he was choking.

Wrigley Field was built for a Federal League team. Just saying. Also, I’m looking into reports that dinosaurs were actually made up by the CIA to discourage time travel. Carl Everett hasn’t disagreed with this.

I pay much better attention when the team I’m cheering for is winning. America winning: riveted. America down, but threatening: watching, but with music playing. America down, Japan batting: game on in the background, reading about Tamerlane.

No Met has ever thrown a no-hitter. I’m terrified that will change this year. Ed Wade is still in charge down in Houston, the Astros will probably be no hit a couple times this year. But he’ll probably also trade Roy Oswalt to the Phils for Travis D’Arnaud and a veteran middle reliever.

How many HRs would Sadaharu Oh have hit over here? 500? Fewer than that?
Matsui averaged a homer every 16.58 at bats in Japan, and one every 25.82 over here, for whatever that’s worth. I mean, you still have to factor in things like his natural decline with age. Bill James should tackle this, not me.

Actually, after looking, someone did. This guy says 527. I think that may be high, especially considering he would have started his career in the 60s, when pitchers were just steamrolling. But since this guy did math, I’ll defer to him.

Jimmy, top seven, stand up triple. 3-3, BB. ‘Merica. Stranded as Wright goes down swinging on a 55 foot pitch. If Al Qaeda had a flag (assuming they don’t) it would be blue and orange.

Joe thinks the US should bring in some minor league pitchers. I’m not here to disagree with him. I say we should have gotten Stephen Strasburg into this tournament, and just unleashed him. He’s clearly heads and shoulders above the competition he’s facing at SDSU, and I really want to see him. Triple digit velocity, he’s gonna tear shit up in the pros. Barring Mark Prior Dusty Baker stuff.

Bottom 8, runner on third, two out, ground ball in the hole to short, Jeter fields it, throws high and wide, runner safe, run scores, three run deficit. Now things are really falling apart, it’s 9-4, but most importantly, all Jeter’s fault. He’ll be leading of the top of the ninth.

And we’re back. Yu Darvish on the mound, Jeter at the plate. Yikes. 6-3. One out. Darvish has a weird delivery. Not Nomo weird, but there’s an interesting little hesitation there, or something. He’s young, too. I wonder how much the Yankees and Red Sox are gonna offer up as posting fees. Jimmy got another hit. 4 for 4. As Jon Miller said, “Jimmy Rollins has played like a World Fucking Champion tonight.” I may not have gotten that quote exactly right. Wright struck out though. That’s his third strikeout. KKK? I don’t think that David Wright has ever denied being a member. Something to consider. And Adam Dunn makes the last out, crushing American hopes. Where is baseball’s Mike Eruzione?

Finally, because I wrote it already, and I would hate for it to go to waste, here’s something I had to say about this whole Special Olympics thing: And now they want Obama to hire a Special Olympics athlete to work in the White House. Wasn’t eight years of Bush enough for them? Suck it, Jay Leno.

Oh man, it's almost time for baseball

Seriously everyone, baseball starts soon. Real baseball, not the WBC, not grapefruit and cactus leagues, not A-Rod or Clemens or McNamee, the good kind of baseball. Baseball is really cool, and has been for more than a century. During that time people have been saying cool things about baseball. I’ve put together a list of my 26 favorite non-Yogi Berra quotes. Why 26? If you’re reading this you already know the answer to that.

26. The whole history of baseball has the quality of mythology – Bernard Malamud

25. Bob Gibson is the luckiest pitcher in baseball. He is always pitching when the other team doesn’t score any runs. – Tim McCarver, back before he became unbearable

24. The screwball's an unnatural pitch. Nature never intended a man to turn his hand like that throwing rocks at a bear. – Carl Hubbell. This quote is doubly important, because it underscores the threat that bears represent.

23. He (Darryl Strawberry) is not a dog; a dog is loyal and runs after balls. – Tommy Lasorda. Fuck the Mets. All of them, ever, except for Tug and the Dude. But yeah, fuck the rest of them.

22. No matter what I talk about, I always get back to baseball. – Connie Mack. Yeah, me too.

21. Some of these guys wear beards to make them look intimidating, but they don't look so tough when they have to deliver the ball. Their abilities and their attitudes don't back up their beards. – Don Drysdale. The last sentence there just seemed absurd.

20. Every day is a new opportunity. You can build on yesterday's success or put its failures behind and start over again. That's the way life is, with a new game every day, and that's the way baseball is. – Bob Feller. Kinda uplifting.

19. When I began playing the game, baseball was about as gentlemanly as a kick in the crotch. – Ty Cobb. How angry would Ty Cobb have been if he had played in the 80s and was just snorting mountains of coke all the time?

18. It's such a beautiful sport, with no politics involved, no color, no class. Only as a youngster can you play and as a pro can you win. The game has kept me young, involved and excited and for me to be up here with gems of baseball – Jack Buck. So much better than Joe Buck.

17. Washington – first in war, first in peace, last in the American League. – Charles Dryden. Classic.

16. If they worked as hard at their jobs as I do at mine, this country wouldn’t have the inflation problem it has now. - Mike Marshall, on booing fans.

15. I like radio better than television because if you make a mistake on radio, they don't know. You can make up anything on the radio. – Phil Rizzuto. He was a cool guy.

14. The kid doesn't chew tobacco, smoke, drink, curse or chase broads. I don't see how he can possible make it. – Richie Ashburn. Also a cool guy.

13. People ask me what I do in winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring. ~Rogers Hornsby. Also, he tries to make Tom Hanks cry.

12. I think I was the best baseball player I ever saw. – Willie Mays. I love the ego here. I also love that it’s probably true.

11. Anybody who's ever had the privilege of seeing me play knows that I am the greatest pitcher in the world. – Dizzy Dean. Again, pure ego. Less true though, unless he said this in 1934, cause that year he probably was the best pitcher in the world. Except for Satchell Paige.

10. Since 1946, the Cubs have had two problems: They put too few runs on the scoreboard and the other guys put too many. So what is new management improving? The scoreboard. – George Will. I don’t care if it makes me a bad person, I love that the Cubs have sucked for so long.

9. Baseball becomes dull only to those with dull minds. Today’s game is always different from yesterday’s game. – Red Smith. Seriously, baseball is so cool.

8. Ninety percent I’ll probably spend on good times, women, and Irish whiskey. The other ten percent I’ll probably waste. – Tug McGraw. Yeah.

7. I remember one time going out to the mound to talk with Bob Gibson. He told me to get back behind the batter, that the only thing I knew about pitching was it was hard to hit. – Tim McCarver. I love Tim McCarver being put in his place.

6. Sure, I screwed up that sacrifice bunt, but look at it this way: I’m a better bunter than a billion Chinese. Those poor suckers can’t bunt at all. – John Lowenstein. But seriously, if you’re in the majors you need to be able to bunt. Come on.

5. In the end it all comes down to talent. You can talk all you want about intangibles, I just don't know what that means. Talent makes winners, not intangibles. Can nice guys win? Sure, nice guys can win - if they're nice guys with a lot of talent. Nice guys with a little talent finish fourth and nice guys with no talent finish last. – Sandy Koufax. But what about David Eckstein?

4. It is the sport that a foreigner is least likely to take to. You have to grow up playing it, you have to accept the lore of the bubble-gum card, and believe that if the answer to the Mays-Snider-Mantle question is found, then the universe will be a simpler and more ordered place. – David Halberstam. ‘Merica.

3. He was thrown out trying to steal second; his head was full of larceny but his feet were honest. - Arthur “Bugs” Baer. I just love this one. It makes me laugh every time I see or hear it.

2. You always get a special kick on opening day, no matter how many you go through. You look forward to it like a birthday party when you're a kid. You think something wonderful is going to happen. – Joe DiMaggio. I can’t wait.

1. Yeah:

Sports Stuff

Well, break is over, and it went by way too quickly. It’s refreshing to get new classes, I was pretty sick of Contracts and Civil Procedure, but some of these classes last for an hour and forty minutes. That’s way too long. I really miss the 42 minute long classes from high school.

Anyway, on to important things. Saturday I watched a baseball game. Rays at Phillies, a spring training rematch of the World Series. It was awesome. Not that it really matters, but the Phillies won, smoked the Rays, it wasn’t close. The Fightins put up about five runs in the first inning off back to back doubles a from J-Roll and Shane, and then three home runs, from Howard, Mayberry, and Cairo. The Phils never looked back from there, putting up more runs as the game progressed to keep the Rays from even getting close.

Kyle Kendrick pitched pretty well, getting the start and going 2 and 2/3rds innings. But I really don’t want him to be the fifth starter. I know that he racked up a decent amount of wins over the last two seasons, but his benching last year was absolutely merited. Opposing hitters have figured him out, and he doesn’t have the stuff to make that a non-issue. With Brad Lidge, you can know the slider is coming, but you’re still not going to hit it. Kendrick can’t get by like that at all. He doesn’t have a put away pitch, and gets absolutely killed by left-handed hitters. He gets a decent amount of ground balls, but when he leaves pitches up in the zone they invariably end up in the outfield seats. He’s not starter material, as much as the Phillies seem to be trying to convince themselves that he is.

The other contenders for the fifth spot in the rotation are Chan Ho Park, JA Happ, and Carlos Carrasco. Park is just generally underwhelming, and I think that he needs to start the year in the bullpen. As for Carrasco and Happ, I would be content with either of them in the rotation, but would prefer it if the role went to Carrasco. He has the stuff to be a second or third starter; plugging him into the last spot in the rotation would let him slowly grow into that role. Happ is probably just as capable of starting as Carrasco is, but I would rather see him in the bullpen. First, I would rather have three RHPs in the rotation; adding Happ to Moyer and Hamels would make the rotation a too heavy on lefties. Plus, with Romero forced to serve this bullshit 50 game suspension, Scott Eyre is the only lefty reliever the Phils have right now, and although he pitched well last year I’m still not sold on him. Happ could step in and work either long relief or as a lefty specialist.

Ruben Amaro has said that the Phillies are pretty much done with free agency, so I guess they will fill out their roster from within. The starting lineup is pretty much set, and a handful of players are all but guaranteed bench spots. I’m curious about what the Phillies are going to do about adding a right-handed bat to come off the bench: Dobbs, Jenkins, and Stairs are all lefties. Bruntlett is a righty, but doesn’t really offer much power. This need may be filled by Chris Coste, who seemed to have been replaced when the Phils traded for Paulino. However, I would like to see the roster spot go to John Mayberry. He’s a former first round pick, acquired this winter for Greg Golson, with pretty good power, and decent athleticism too. I would like to see what he can do if given a shot at the majors.

The other sports story that has captivated me centers around Steve Downie. I love Steve Downie. I remember watching the draft as the Flyers selected him, and even though the announcers said they went off the board to get him, it seemed like a good pick. I can’t say that I was especially upset when he crosschecked his juniors teammate, Akim Aliu, in the mouth, cause he probably deserved it. When Downie made the Flyers last season, I was thrilled. But the NHL had to ruin that, suspending him for 20 games because he made Dean McCammond cry. After serving his suspension, Downie spent some time with the Phantoms before being called back up. In another career highlight, he punched Jason Blake in the face while officials were restraining both of them. Blake whined about it, as did TSN, but I was ok with it. Anyway, early this year Downie was sent to Tampa, along with Steve Eminger, for Matt Carle, a great trade for the orange and black. The Flyers came out so far ahead in that deal that I wasn’t even that upset to see Downie go. It’s not like he’s been staying out of the spotlight.

Yesterday Steve Downie was indefinitely suspended by the AHL for abuse of an official. I can’t find the video anywhere, but apparently during a faceoff he slashed a linesman across the shins. He was immediately ejected from the game, and now faces another twenty game suspension. This is bullshit. Yeah, Steve Downie is a little bit crazy. Also, again, I haven’t seen the incident. But seriously, fuck this. There’s no doubt in my mind that Downie was going for the puck. It was a faceoff, these things happen. The refs just overreacted because of Downie’s reputation. If Downie had actually wanted to hurt the linesman he’s crazy enough that he would have just punched him in the face. People need to lay off Steve Downie

Moving on...

I’m sure that everyone will be pleased to hear that we successfully resolved this SI-writers pissing contest, as Dick acknowledged that he was wrong, realizing in the process that trying to beat me in meaningless competitions is a futile endeavor. In his defense, he is capable of addition, he was just working from the wrong set of numbers, which included unpublished drafts in the total. I hadn’t realized that any of those were floating around, but two were. One was a sentence that I had written and then probably lost interest in, the introduction to what seems like a post about crazy stuff I want scientists to invent. The more promising draft, also just a sentence, was by Winston, and had the title Ninja Pirates or Pirate Ninjas. I’m intrigued.

But since the title of this post is moving on, that’s what I’ll do. Biggest story, in my eyes at least, is the collision of two satellites over Siberia, one owned by Russia, the other by the United States. If this had happened during the Cold War we would all probably be dead right now; fortunately, it’s actually making people call out for some sort of Solar System Traffic Control situation. So many satellites have been thrown into orbit since Sputnik, and very few have been brought down, creating an unintentional minefield of space flotsam. The United States hasn’t been helping this situation, as in the past year we decided, “Hey, let’s shoot missiles at some of this crap.” While a pretty cool idea, it just made a lot more crap. So while I guess it sucks that satellites are crashing, it does highlight what could be a pretty big need in the coming decades. We really need to get some laws for space, before everybody gets up there and it’s just like anarchy.

My next final, on Monday afternoon, is Civil Procedure. It’s open notes though, unlike torts and property, which is a huge relief. More than any other class, this is one where you can just look at the rules and figure out what’s going on. And this quarter we covered substantially less than last quarter; basically all I have to worry about are pleadings, joinders, and preclusion. Hopefully this works out, as clearly I’m confident enough to type this while studying. I’m pretty sure I’ve devised a good system: two pages of an outline, one paragraph here.

A friend of mine was telling me earlier about Birthright, some system or whatever that lets you go to Israel for ten days for free if you’re between the ages of 18 and 26. The only catch is you have to be Jewish. Honestly, I think that the rest of Europe needs to get in on this. Pretty much all the important European countries (I’m not considering places like Moldova or Slovenia) have negative birthrates and declining populations. Sure, immigration from places like North Africa and Eastern Europe is keeping things afloat (that might be the one thing that I learned from that terrible Italian cinema class I took in Roma, from the movie Quando sei nato non puoi piu nasconderti), but if they want to get really serious about bringing up populations they should be taking people back from America. Giving away free ten day trips to suggestible kids would probably be beneficial. Also, at least in Italy, they may want to consider shutting down some churches. There are probably more churches in an Italian city than Starbucks in most American metropolises. Basically we need the mafia to step up, and start funding programs that would let me go to Italy for free. Joey Merlino needs to get on this after, you know, he gets out of jail.

What’s going on with satellite radio? Like, a couple years ago everyone was all about it, and it was supposed to be the future. Howard Stern switched over, cars were being equipped with it, Sirius and XM were feuding, it seemed like it would be around for a while. And now I’ve just read that Sirius XM, is about to file for bankruptcy, and have almost $200 million in debts. What the hell, how did this happen? I understand that giving Howard Stern half a billion dollars probably wasn’t the best business decision, but there isn’t any competition now, shouldn’t they be raking in money? Sucks for them. I wish I had something more insightful to add here. Meh.

Every year or so it seems like a minor league sports team comes up with an absolutely inspired promotion. The St. Paul Saints have been at the forefront of this movement, giving away toy boats in recognition of the Vikings’ Lake Minnetonka shitshow, and last year by creating a Senator Larry Craig Bobble-Foot doll. But now they’re being challenged by the Milwaukee Admirals, an AHL team. On February 19th, the Admirals are hosting “Don’t be Like Mike Night,” in response to this pot nonsense Michael Phelps has gotten himself into. DARE graduations can get into the game for free, as can anyone named Michael, Phelps, Mary Jane, Cheech, Chong, or Weed. One lucky fan will receive a weedwacker signed by the team, and everyone can bring incriminating photos of themselves to be shredded. But the real prize is, of course, the most difficult to win. If the Admirals score with 4:20 left in any period, someone will receive season tickets for next year. I can appreciate this promotion, because there’s a lot of humor in it. I’m still sick of sanctimonious reporters pontification about the evils of marijuana. Let’s be honest, most of these people were probably journalism majors, in college in the ‘60s and ‘70s; there’s no way that they didn’t smoke pot. Most of them have probably smoked more than Phelps. Hell, at least the last three Presidents have smoked pot, and they’ve gotten less shit than Phelps. I a little bit wish that Phelps would call a huge press conference, show up stoned off his ass, and say that he smoked before every race in Beijing. He listened to Lil’ Wayne before every race, so this isn’t outside the realm of possibilities. Just think, how many heads would explode? I’m pretty sure that would make the world a better place.

You might infer from my defense of Michael Phelps that I’m not a big fan of outrage and indignation. If that is the case, you would be wrong. I can’t stand when outrage is directed at the wrong person, like Phelps or A-Rod, but some decisions are absolutely despicable, and the people who made them need to be called out. It seems like most of those people, assholes who make terrible decisions and fuck good things up, are members of the Maryland Jockey Club. In quite possibly the worst policy decision since the French decided to pour all their resources into the Maginot Line, the Jockey Club is banning outside beverages from the infield at Preakness. In years past, the Pimlico infield would be a magical place filled with booze and bad decisions, and now these horse-racing assholes want to stop that. I don’t understand why. In all seriousness, Preakness probably hasn’t actually been about horse racing for years. I went a few years ago, the year that Barbaro ran, and didn’t know he had broken his leg until watching Sportscenter later that night. In all seriousness, you have to make a legitimate effort to see a horse if you have infield tickets. And that’s awesome. The rationale behind banning fun at Preakness is that they want to improve the overall experience. So they’re replacing bring your own beer with a ZZ Top concert (meh) and a Women’s Volleyball Tournament (again, meh). Clearly though, the real reason for this is so that they can charge $3.50 a beer, make a shitload of money, and bastardize a great American tradition. I am willing to state, unequivocally, that the Maryland Jockey Club hates America.

In the last 24 hours, I’ve watched Stephen Lynch’s second Comedy Central Special twice. If it were on again right now, I would watch it a third time. In all seriousness, Lynch is probably the best stand-up comedian going right now. But also, he’s probably one of my favorite musicians too. That’s not exactly a ringing endorsement for the music industry, but he’s really good. Not since Bob Dylan has an artist been as tapped into the social conscience of America as Lynch is, with songs about the Special Olympics, divorce, religion, and euthanasia.

Yesterday Loyola was an option on ESPN’s Streak for the Cash, hosting Iona. This was clearly a game they should have won, but, well, it’s Loyola, so the Streakmaster deemed it to be even enough. Jon texted me pretty early yesterday, wondering if he dare risk his streak of 4 on the Hounds. I had no such reservations; Loyola was getting even a little bit of national exposure, so I was going to take advantage of it. I checked the Loyola box. And they lost. I really haven’t had any faith in Loyola basketball since Andre Collins left for Italy. Well, hopefully my streak will rebound tomorrow with as AS Roma win over Atalanta. Oh, and speaking of Loyola Fucking Basketball, they come to Philly to play Drexel two days after finals end for me, on February 21. And I can’t go. Oh well.

The NBA All-Star game is this weekend. The NBA sucks, but its All-Star game is better than the NHL’s, the Pro-Bowl, and the MLB All-Star game when it’s ending in a tie. Seriously, where does Bud Selig get the moral standing to say that Alex Rodriguez shamed baseball? I mean, Selig has done so much deplorable shit that listing it all is difficult. Off the top of my head, I’d just throw out his involvement in collusion in the late ‘80s, which is killing Tim Raines’ HOF chances right now, his usurpation of the commissionership, and how he’s been throwing all sorts of benefits towards the Brewers since, expanded to the point that he had to threaten the Twins with contraction, the all-star game tie, the mess he made out of game 5 of the 2008 World Series, the one that the Phillies won, making them the World Fucking Champions, and of course he’s just as guilty as any player who took steroids. By turning a blind eye towards steroids since the Bash Brothers (the fake ones, Canseco and McGwire, let’s leave Fulton and Dean Portman out of this) were tearing shit up in Oakland all the way through Barry Bonds’ annihilation phase, Selig was ok with everyone shitting all over the last 130 years of baseball, and if not for grandstanding congressmen it would still be rampant. Fuck Bud Selig. And now he’s gonna be making moves for a salary cap, because dumbasses like Houston’s owner got pissy when the Yankees signed some free agents (obviously that Carlos Lee monster contract doesn’t count), when he makes more per year than all but like 7 players. Seriously, this past year that motherfucker made 18 million dollars. I would ruin baseball for half that amount.

One of the biggest things that I miss from college is the opportunity to have conversations with Jeff where we don’t use any real words, and when we do they have entirely random meanings. Like, I feel that I could communicate pretty much any thought through some combination of blame, tame, flow, shooter, jumpshot, pistratica, berkey, meh, allora, and berkey. You won’t be able to convince me otherwise. In closing, I now have a 30-page outline for Monday. I really need exams to be over so fun can exist again.

The Real 100th Post

Like this post would have anything other than this:

Finals Interruption

So I’ve been mired in finals for the last week or so, and the end is nowhere in sight. It’s a pretty miserable experience; torts was yesterday, and property is Friday. (As an aside, I really don’t know if torts should be handled as a singular or plural word. Like, I know that when you commit multiple torts it’s obviously plural, but what about referring to torts class? I’ve been struggling with this for a couple months. Do I say “torts sucks” or “torts suck?”) Finding time to write here has been tough, but since I’ve already done a lot for Friday I figured I would find some time to share some of the things I’ve been thinking about.

First of all, Mike Vick is getting out of jail soon, and I would love for him to end up on the Eagles. My dream scenario would be for the Birds to sign him and draft Tebow, and then run a double wildcat option formation. Just have both Vick and Tebow out on the field at the same time, with Westbrook too, and defenses wouldn’t know where the snap was going. Defenses would be paralyzed, and it would be so much fun to watch. Also, it would mean that McNabb is playing somewhere else, which is definitely a plus.

I watched President Obama’s press conference the other night, and thought he did a really good job pointing out how retarded some of the criticisms of the stimulus package are. I’m really afraid that he’s just too smart to be President, and people just aren’t going to get him. Also, how is it a story when he hits his head getting into his helicopter? Was it really necessary for Drudge to have it up, with a picture, for like two days? Let’s be honest here, I’m pretty sure that Andrew Card had Bush wear a helmet in the Oval Office for the last eight years.

There’s a lot of pressure in picking a team name for a keeper fantasy baseball league. Because it’s going to be around for years, current event references don’t really work. I’m torn between doing something sorta timeless, like Waddell Fire Co., or throwing out some absurd prediction of something that I think may happen five years down the line. I’m probably going to spend more time thinking about this than I am a draft strategy.

I guess it was last week when some crazy woman, Nadya Suleman, had another eight babies, bringing her total to fourteen. She needs to be sterilized, for the sake of humanity. Obviously she has a publicist, and will probably make a ton of money off of people who for some reason think that a book of her parenting tips would be worthwhile, but she’s really just going to fuck up 14 kids’ lives. She’s an uncomfortably weird woman.

I would like to take this paragraph to write an open statement to the residents of Coatesville. Stop lighting shit on fire. It’s really not a good idea; there’s no reason to burn someone’s house down. Doing it more than twenty times is ridiculous. So seriously, stop it.

A-Rod took steroids. Meh. All this talk of Hall of Fame exclusion is ridiculous. So he took steroids to gain a competitive advantage. Babe Ruth got a competitive advantage by not having to play against any black or Latino players. Maybe we should limit the Hall of Fame to players who played between 1947 and expansion in the ‘60s, because after like 1962 the talent pool became diluted. Or maybe that’s as bad an idea as keeping steroid users out of the Hall; everyone was doing it, Bud Selig didn’t care, it happened, it’s part of baseball history, it should be recognized in Cooperstown.

It really bothers me when something that sucks has a really cool name. For instance, I really like the word flowchart, it’s a great word. Actual flowcharts kinda suck though. Same thing with chinchillas. Chinchilla is a phenomenal word, it’s fun to say and to write. But actual chinchillas suck, they’re terrible animals. And I hate when people say that they’re pets. There’s one rule for whether something is a pet or not: if it can save a child from a burning building. If an animal can’t rescue a child from a fire, it’s not a pet, it’s merely an animal that you’re saving from being eaten by a bigger animal.

I’m ridiculously jealous of my younger brother’s tenth grade English class, they’re able to read some really cool things. Obviously they’re doing stuff that everyone does, like Gatsby and the Odyssey, but they’re also doing modern fiction. Last semester he got to read and do a presentation on I Love You, Beth Cooper, and this semester he could have done a research paper on Michael Chabon’s stuff. Even though it’s a little unwieldy at times, and parts of it definitely could have been cut, The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay is a great novel. This doesn’t seem fair when I think about my last high school English class. Writing a paper on the weather in Ethan Frome? A third grader could have done that, why was it assigned in an AP class? Probably for the same reason that we spent 7 days reading Slaughterhouse-Five aloud in class; I wasn’t upset when I hear that teacher got fired. Dumbass.

Bret Favre says he’s retiring. I don’t believe him.

A kid in my class has an interesting idea: what if we experiment with zombieism to the point that we can learn how it works, and use it. Like, we take the aspects of zombieism that make someone indestructible, but exclude the brain-eating impulses and stuff: we could unlock immortality. I think that scientists need to focus more on this; if all of the funding that is going to AIDS and cancer research went to this, we would be set, and there wouldn’t be a loss, because AIDS and cancer can’t kill someone rendered invincible by partial zombieism.

Speaking of zombies, somebody wrote this book, and it’s gotta be awesome. Yep, he took the text of Pride and Prejudice and wrote zombies into the story. I think that this might be the future of literature, as so many books could be improved by adding a few zombies. What if they had to fight zombies on the Pequod, or Nurse Ratched was a zombie, and her brain obsession led to McMurphy’s lobotomy? I really think that this could be the future of literature.

So that asshole still won’t admit that the Holocaust happened. He won’t go to Auschwitz, but is willing to study the scientific evidence and may possibly change his mind. This guy strikes me as pretty anti-Semitic, even quoting St. Paul’s statement that the Jews “are our enemies for the sake of the gospel.” What the hell? What possible benefit could there be for having this guy back in the Church? What an awful decision.

Finally, PECOTA has predicted that the Mets will win the NL East this year. They made the same prediction last year. If you’re wondering how that went, I’ll let Chase Utley enlighten you:

What is this terrible feeling? Is that...sympathy?

As much as I would like to claim that the Phillies must have cheated on their path to the World Series (for, you see, every other explanation ends with the blame being placed squarely on my beloved Mets and their habit of shitting the bed) today's verdict by the MLB seems a little inexplicable.

Phillies reliever J.C. Romero was officially suspended Tuesday for the first 50 games of next season after testing positive for a banned substance.

Right. Fucking cheaters!

The suspension will cost Romero $1.25 million in salary, Gammons reported.

Sweet rapture! Justice wield thy righteous sword!

A source familiar with the hearings told ESPN's T.J. Quinn that Romero tested positive after taking 6-oxo, a diet supplement created by Patrick Arnold, the chemist who designed THG.

Supplements bad. Public humiliation of Phillies good.

It is advertised as a legal testosterone-booster, and Romero argued that he was not aware there was anything in the supplement that could cause a positive test.

Well to be honest, that doesn't sound that bad. I have trouble growing facial hair. Maybe I need a little more testosterone come to think of it.

Well, at least they have a neat appeal process set up for baseball players.

Neither Romero nor the Players Association plans to appeal the case further. "That process has played itself out completely," said Phillies assistant general manager Scott Proefrock.

Oh. Ouch.

"The union respects the arbitration process and treats the decision as final," Weiner said. " In our view, though, the resulting discipline imposed upon...Romero is unfair. [This player] should not be suspended. [Romero's] unknowing actions plainly are distinguishable from those of a person who intentionally used an illegal performance-enhancing substance.

Although Romero's grievance hearing was held in Tampa around the time the World Series began, Amaro said he and other Phillies personnel had no knowledge at the time that the hearing was taking place or that Romero had tested positive.

The secret military tribunal and council of elders also announced during that session that the release of the results of the Kennedy autopsy have been pushed back until they say so.

According to Romero, he bought a supplement at the GNC store in Cherry Hil, N.J. He said he had it checked by his personal nutritionist, who said there was nothing in the supplement that was illegal.

Well fuck! Why aren't he and Utley shopping buddies then?

No loyalty in baseball? I'm not so sure.

Mr. Gerber has made a compelling argument that Dottie did not purposely drop the ball in the last inning of the AAGPBL World Series, but I remain unconvinced. I’m not going to fight him about this, though, because truthfully I can’t make up my mind about it. However, I am going to take issue with his last statement, the underlying theme of his argument, that Dottie loved the game more than she loved Kit.

When taking the whole movie into account, the answer to this question is painfully obvious: Kit meant immeasurably more to Dottie than baseball did. Dottie did not want to play professional ball at all, she was only persuaded to sign up so that Kit could make the team as well. That is not how someone who was driven by a passion for baseball would act, not even a little. Her husband was over seas, she had nothing really tying her to her home preventing her from playing, and she still would only join up at her sister’s urging.

We again see Dottie’s lack of commitment to baseball when her husband returns from the war in the middle of the playoffs. Not only does she entertain the notion of ditching her team to go back to Oregon, she actually does it! It is only miles down the road that force of her commitment to the Peaches pulls her back to the team. If she truly had the passion for baseball that Dick claims she had, she would have gotten her husband tickets to the remaining games and would have tried to go home with him after game seven, as a champion, without any hesitation. But she wavered. Chase Utley never would have wavered.

Gerber says that Kit wanted it more than Dottie, and that enabled her to jar the ball loose. He’s half right: Kit did want to win the Series more than Dottie did. But this was because Dottie was never really all that interested in winning it at all. If Dottie had really wanted to win she would have had the ball in her glove, not her bare hand, and would have put the tag right in Kit’s face.

Time and again we see Dottie putting others ahead of herself: she joins the league for Kit, she puts her dream life on hold for her teammates, and, finally, she drops the ball for her sister. And yes, I’ve convinced myself of this in the last five paragraphs.

But anyway, there’s one more pressing concern that I have here: why on earth were the Peaches not playing a no-doubles defense? The outfielder never should have let Kit’s liner go over her head, it’s inexcusable.

(Sticking with a theme) There's no loyalty in baseball!

My magnificent insights have been recently absent from this blog. My apologies, but I was busy drowning in yuletide and adopted Pagan rituals for the better part of the past two weeks.

Since I got a chance to catch up on Gimp's prolific posting, I was inspired to try and resolve a near-two-decade-old debate.

I'll go ahead and blow my argumentative load up front and then defend myself, because based on some in-person discussions about this topic, what I have to say is going to shock and upset many of you.

Here we go: Dottie Henson didn't drop the ball on purpose at the end of A League of Their Own and you should be happier about this than the alternative.

There is basically one two-pronged counter-argument to this irrefutable statement: that Dottie didn't care about winning and that she loved her younger sister Kit too much to see her devastated.

Bullshit.

First, to the point that she didn't care about winning. This is absolute, unadulterated crap. We're talking about Dottie Henson here! Dottie who loved the game so much she was player-manager during Jimmy Dugan's season-starting bender. Dottie who left a comfortable life on a farm in Oregon to try and play professionally (with Kit at her side, admittedly). Dottie who played even while she was worried about her husband fighting overseas, and the same Dottie who then put her dream life with her husband on hold to come back to play in Game 7! She got her husband back from war, starting driving home, and then made him turn the friggin car around so she could go play the game. And now you're gonna try and tell me she didn't want to win? Again - - bullshit.

And you really think Dottie threw the game because she felt bad for Kit? Did Dottie feel bad for Kit when she rifled that line drive right over Kit's head in the top of the 9th. Fuck no she did not! Couldn't she have much more easily thrown the game while she was at the plate rather than wait for the off-chance that her sister would run through the stop sign in the bottom half of the inning? And she definitely didn't feel bad when she told Ellen Sue the best way to strike out her beloved sister in the bottom of that inning.

And Dottie is a professional baseball player, but I guess since she's a woman it's heartwarming that she might throw the game for her sister's sake. If you were an Indians fan in, say, 1995, would you be OK if Sandy Alomar dropped the ball at home so Robbie Alomar could win one for the Blue Jays? I think everyone in Cleveland would be rightly calling for Sandy Alomar's head! You can't pull that shit! You know how much Harvey Bar revenue she would have blown if she tanked that game? She would've sent Mr. Harvey into another Diabetic shock after he comforted his blubbery ass with another case of Nutty Harvey Bars.

And for those of you that are comfortable with this sister love scenario, let me leave you with this lingering question. If Dottie loved her sister so much that she needed to violate the trust of her teammates, fans, and the baseball gods so that bratty fuckin Kit could win, then why were they incommunicado for the next 4 decades?! If Dottie loved Kit so much you'd think she'd pick up the phone and ask how being a World Champion is (and I only use that phrase to try and steal the meaning back from the Phillies. Fuckin Phillies.).

The truth of the matter is that Kit wanted it more, Dottie got surprised by a sudden play at the plate, made a ballsy play on it, and got beat. The end. In fact maybe she was so shocked that her younger sibling bested her that that's why they didn't talk for damn near half a century.

And why did they finally get back together? Because Dottie loved the game so goddamn much she went to Cooperstown to relive the memories. She loved the game way more than her sister. Fact.

Are you crying? There's no ethics! There's no ethics in baseball!

There’s a whole lot of nonsense going on here. Pretty much any time a person starts going on about Barry Bonds, especially if he considers himself an ethicist, like Jack Marshall, he’s going to say a lot of stupid things. Most people don’t seem to be able to help themselves. This is going to be long, and about baseball, so yeah, fair warning. I’m not gonna do the whole thing, because it’s excessive, so I’m going to jump into the middle:

But it was not to be. All that changed was the theme. This time, it was, "What team will sign Barry?"

It turns out that none of them did, but most would have been drastically improved with him. Like, imagine if the Mets had signed him after Alou had gotten hurt and Church started piling up concussions. As much as I hate to say it, Bonds in that lineup with Wright, Beltran, Reyes, and Delgado’s second half of the season, almost certainly would have added a couple wins. For a team that missed the wildcard by one game, that would have been kind of a big deal. Hell, or the Rays, adding Bonds as a DH would have been a pretty big improvement.

followed by, as the season progressed, "Why hasn’t anybody signed Barry?"

Because they’re dumb. That’s really the only explanation I can come up with.

and the Player’s Union’s jaw-droppingly brain-dead, “How dare you not sign Barry?”

Why is that brain-dead? They have a legitimate complaint about collusion. Bonds is too great a player for no team to have made an offer to him.

As it had been obvious to me from the first day of Spring Training that no team would or should sign Barry Bonds, this chorus was as puzzling as it was perplexing. Are baseball commentators really so disconnected from the ethical imperatives of the game? Do they really not grasp what signing Barry Bonds, for any amount of money or no amount at all, would have meant? The answers, sad to say, appear to be yes and yes. They, or many of them, just didn’t get it. And they still don’t.

Right, baseball is a bastion of ethics. From Ty Cobb charging into the bleachers to attack black people (he was a bit of a racist), to owners basically holding players in indentured servitude until Curt Flood. Then there’s Charles Comiskey paying his players so poorly that they were reduced to throwing the World Series, owners refusing to sign a black player until 1947 (and years later for some franchises), and pretty much everything Pete Rose did after the 1980 World Series. So yeah, when I hear baseball I think upstanding ethics. It’s a word association type thing.

This was brought horribly home when The Hardball Times Annual arrived, and there was the usually reasonable John Brattain condemning major league general managers for not signing Bonds, because, you see, he might have made a difference, even gotten the Mets, or the Jays, or some other also-ran, into the postseason. But just as, in Sir Thomas More’s words, "it profits a man nothing to give his soul for the whole world," signing Bonds in order to make the playoffs would have been a dubious and foolish deal for any team, even if one buys the questionable assumption that he would have played well enough to hold up his end of it.

I’ve never read anything by John Brattain, but he seems like a smart guy. He’s absolutely right, though I don’t think that Bonds would have made enough of a difference for the Jays. Would have made it interesting though. So, rather than objectively looking at how Bonds would have benefited a baseball team, Marshall references a sixteenth century humanist. One who burned people at the stake. He doesn’t seem to be much of an authority of baseball or ethics.

The reason this is, or should be, obvious is the Mitchell Report, and what it signified to the baseball community.

The Mitchell Report had one purpose: get Congress to leave Bud Selig alone. And it worked. Let’s not talk about that anymore.

Cynics may scoff, and Barry himself couldn’t care less, but baseball is the one professional sport that carries with it a duty to the American culture. Character counts in America, and baseball is bound by history, tradition and its role in legend and myth to make certain that character counts on its playing fields as well.

Again, that’s not true at all, and it never has been. Character doesn’t matter in baseball, coordination does.

Baseball players, as Bill James quite accurately stated, are paid to be heroes. The sport does not have the raw physical display of football, or the speed of basketball, or the simple-minded appeal of soccer. What it does have that no other professional sport even values very much is integrity, or at least an appreciation that integrity is important.

Seriously, he keeps bringing this up, and I don’t get it. Where did this integrity come from? Was it Doc Ellis pitching a no-hitter on acid? Or maybe he was thinking of Rafael Palmeiro’s 1999 Gold Glove award and his testimony to Congress? I love baseball, but I can’t say that integrity is part of the game, no matter how much I may want to.

This does not mean that athletes of bad character don’t find their way onto baseball rosters, but it does mean that they need to 1) be very good and 2) not put their lack of character on public display if they want to stay there. When the Boston Red Sox were considering drafting pitcher Clay Buchholz in 2005, they were very concerned about an incident in high school in which Buchholz stole some school equipment, and consequently the team almost didn’t draft him. Other teams stayed away because of the offense.

But the Red Sox did draft him, and he’s already thrown one no-hitter. In the end they ignored any character issues to take the best baseball player available. Not coincidentally, they’ve won two World Series in the last four years. Because they fill out their rosters based on who plays baseball well. And, again, this correlates to winning.

Can anyone imagine a pro football team hesitating for one second from drafting a promising prospect because of something like this?

Yes, actually, football teams make stupid decisions too. Just look at how many teams passed over Randy Moss. Hell, the Eagles drafted Mike Fucking Mamula instead of Warren Sapp.

There simply are no equivalents of Pacman Jones in baseball. Players who have serious criminal charges, who are accused of rape and spousal abuse, drunk driving and drug arrests just fade out of the game.

I think that pretty much the entire roster of the 1986 Mets invalidates this. Seriously, just look at the Legal and Personal Problems section on Darryl Strawberry’s wikipedia page.

Football and basketball want to sell merchandise to kids. Baseball wants to be an example for kids (and sell merchandise).

No, baseball is no different than football or basketball. It’s a better sport, but not morally superior.

Baseball made a serious mistake in the ‘90s by looking the other way while steroid abuse mutated its players, distorted game results and warped its record book.

If pretty much everyone was on steroids, were game results really that drastically altered?

But the Mitchell Report, released a year ago, was a crystal-clear announcement that the sport was banishing its ethical ambiguity on the matter of performance-enhancing drugs. For this purpose, it was irrelevant that the report was incomplete and limited in scope. The Mitchell Report announced that Major League Baseball believed that steroid and HGH use was wrong, unacceptable, and sullied the game.

Nope. I feel like I’ve been repeating myself a lot, but again, the Mitchell Report wasn’t some brave display of purity and wholesomeness, it was sleight of hand, a bone thrown to congressmen who wanted to see themselves on SportsCenter.

It would condemn and embarrass any player found to violate this standard. Cheating was not cool, and cheaters were not welcome. The conduct was officially inconsistent with the values and best interests of the game (as it had, in fact, always been), and the owners, players, teams and fans were hereby expected to heed that fact.

Lenny Dystra didn’t seem too embarrassed, he’s been in the spotlight more in the last year than between his retirement and the Report’s release. And The Dude is still cool.

Whatever else it did or didn’t do, the Mitchell Report accomplished that. Roger Clemens, who had up to that point been extolled as one of the game’s greatest and most admired players, instantly became a tarnished ex-hero because of the Report’s conclusions, aided by the Rocket’s unconvincing declarations of innocence.

Clemens wasn’t tarnished by the Mitchell Report, Brian McNamee took care of that well before I wasted a day in December learning that Paul Lo Duca bounced a check.

For his part, Barry Bonds’ name led all players with 95 mentions in the text. But this only put the exclamation point on what was already a foregone conclusion. The evidence that Bonds was a long-time, intentional, unapologetic and incredibly successful chemical cheat had been mounting for years, and was by then the kind of overwhelming circumstantial and logical mass that could only be denied through obdurate stubbornness and lunk-headedness. Not that there weren’t plenty of stubborn lunk-heads in the media willing to do it: there certainly were…and, incredibly, are. But no one could deny that Bonds was the face of baseball’s steroid disgrace. That gave him special status, or perhaps a better word is infamy.

Yeah, Bonds probably took steroids. Yeah, he’s a dick. But we’re getting away from the most important thing: he’s really, really good. He has the three best OPS+ seasons of all time. Better than any season Babe Ruth, Ted Williams, Willie Mays, Lou Gehrig, Mickey Mantle, Stan Musial, anyone, in any year that baseball was played, ever had.

A team could employ one of the many mediocre, borderline or journeyman players whose names appeared in the Mitchell Report without making the implied statement that it was endorsing and rewarding a cheat. Signing Brendan Donnelly, Paul Lo Duca or Paul Byrd would not be seen as an enlistment in the Dark Side.

And if a team thought that one of those players would help them win games, signing them would be the right thing to do.

Bonds was a different matter entirely, if for no other reason than he had ridden performance enhancement drugs to the pinnacle of baseball’s records. He was the Big Enchilada, the Numero Uno: his career stood for the proposition that steroid use could turn a great player into a super-human juggernaut, shattering all previous limits; that they could allow players to improve dramatically when historically athletes began to decline; that the drugs could lengthen their careers, make the players become more valuable to their teams, and earn them millions more dollars than they would have earned otherwise—and they could get away with it.

Yep, that’s what steroids do; they make players better. Most teams succeed by getting the best players. I’m not saying Barry Bonds isn’t a bad person, in fact I’m pretty sure he eats babies, but he’s really good at baseball. All of that other stuff, the MVP awards, the records, the money, the stupid show on ESPN, is irrelevant.

Bonds was regarded differently because he was different. His success made him different. His arrogant public stance that there was nothing wrong with his conduct made him different. How a team regarded Barry Bonds was unavoidably going to be a statement about steroids, rules, lawbreaking, character and baseball’s values.

Here different is a euphemism for better. Barry Bonds was better than McGwire, better than Sammy Sosa, Palmeiro, Dykstra, Vlad, Kirby Puckett, Derek Jeter, Ken Griffey Jr, all of them. He’s one of the five best players ever. But, like this guy said, he was arrogant. Bud Selig wants to be remembered for the wildcard and interleague play, not steroids. He’s been trying to distract people from steroids, and having Bonds out of the picture helps. That’s why no owners signed Bonds, not because of high-minded ideals.

(Ok, here the guy goes on a whole big spiel about cognitive dissonance. I glanced at it, saw Stephen King and Energy Conservation, and decided to skip over the whole section.)

The team that hired Barry Bonds would be making a devastating statement of its own values and priorities, which would be this: "Cheating and using performance enhancing drugs is not as big a negative on our scale as winning is a positive. So if you help us win enough games, cheating is OK. In fact, it will be rewarded: observe how we hire Barry Bonds despite overwhelming evidence of steroid use and multiple federal indictments."

That “devastating statement of values and priorities” sums up Patriots football pretty accurately. I don’t hear any of their fans complaining; I think they’re too busy rewatching DVDs of the three Superbowls they’ve won this decade. Pretty much anything is forgiven by winning. I don’t get mad when I think about all the double plays Carlos Ruiz hit into; the World Series lifted that monkey off my back.

(There was more psychological nonsense. I’m skipping it again. I’m a philistine. Deal with it.)

Signing Barry Bonds in 2008 would have been as logical as the producers of the Naked Gun series deciding to hire O.J. Simpson to reprise his role as "Norberg" for Naked Gun 4, because, you know, he was sooooo funny in the first three films, and how could you do Naked Gun without bumbling Norberg? It would make as much sense as Disney hiring Lindsay Lohan for a new Herbie movie, because she’s as cute as ever. Pete Rose is a real competitor: let’s hire him to manage the Mariners! He’s just what the team needs to shake it out of its doldrums!

Wow. Barry Bonds didn’t kill anyone. Comparing him to a murderer (never convicted, but come on) is mindblowing. Lohan goes against what Disney stands for, that wholesome family image type thing. Bonds is no more of a dick than a lot of other players, Hall of Famers included. Pete Rose was banned for life. Bonds wasn’t.

Add to this the fact that O.J., Rose and Lohan are definitely better bets to be able to duplicate their previous performances that a 43-year-old, gimpy-kneed Bonds after a half-season of inactivity, and you have a course of action that would not be just foolish, but certifiably insane from a business, baseball, and cultural perspective, short and long term.

So it took until the second to last paragraph for this guy to address signing Bonds as a baseball decision, and the only thing that his analysis shows is that he should have stuck to writing about ethics. Yes, it’s reasonable to expect some decline in his numbers. But in his last season Bonds got on base almost half the time; his OBP was .480. Todd Helton was second, with .434. So even if he declines, he’s still going to be an elite hitter. He would be a liability in the field, but an AL team could sign him to DH, or he could stay in the NL, and even if he costs a few runs with limited range he’ll more than make up for it at the plate.

Thus it should not have come as a surprise to anyone that no team took that course, nor should any team have been accused of negligence or collusion for reaching the only responsible and logical conclusion available. But a lot of sportswriters and sports commentators think values, standards and ethics are irrelevant to baseball.

It’s not a surprise, because, after too many years of Ed Wade being a GM, the depths of stupidity in baseball front offices no longer surprise me. Values, standards, and ethics are irrelevant to baseball. Winning isn’t.

They are so wrong.

You are so wrong.

World #&*(^$@ Champions

In the wake of the Phillies’ World Series victory, Chase Utley took the stage at a post-parade rally to deliver a few remarks. He started, “World champions… world fucking champions!” The stadium erupted, his teammates loved it, and I still watch it on Youtube about once a day. Well, it was broadcast live, on pretty much every station in Philadelphia, without a delay. And some people decided to complain to the FCC. The Inquirer obtained copies of the twenty six complaints, and published excerpts of some of them. You can muddle through all that self-righteous bullshit at Philly.com, or just keep reading, and I’ll tell you what they’re really saying.

"If they didn't want such words to be broadcast, they should have aired [it] on a delay to catch any obscene language. Pull their license to broadcast."

Because about half a second of profanity was aired in the middle of the afternoon, NBC, CBS, FOX, and ABC should be razed, and their fields strewn with salt. Not only were they ok with Utley saying “fucking,” they probably told him to, and should never be heard from again.

"He should be disciplined for his lack of respect towards his fans and in particular the children exposed to such vulgarity. . . . The broadcasters are not at fault. Chase Utley is."

Chase Utley played through an agonizing hip injury for months to bring a World Series to Philadelphia. Although he’s only played for a couple years, he has Hall of Fame potential. That’s not enough for me though. Despite years of being a consummate professional, almost to the point of being boring, and working tirelessly to save abandoned animals, he is a disrespectful, vulgar bastard. The responsibility for raising my children is clearly on his shoulders, and he isn’t doing a good job.

"This was not a casual slip. This was an intentional misuse and abuse of the public airwaves. . . . How am I to explain such profanity to my child?"

(This one is my favorite.) I am a terrible parent. I am completely incapable of communicating with my children. Instead of using this as an opportunity to show them how you can be successful through hard work, like this team was, I’m going to harp on Chase Utley dropping an F bomb, for the second time this season, no less, and blame him when my daughter runs away to be a stripper and my thirty year old son is selling weed out of my basement. Damn you, Chase Utley.

"It was embarrassing that he was allowed to do that and if there are no ramifications I will be furious. Is there no platform that is sacred anymore?"

How dare they sully the good name of broadcast television, which has given us such cultural staples as Temptation Island, two wife-swapping shows, people eating horse testicles, Desperate Housewives, every soap opera ever, and pretty much all reality television? I expect nothing but excellence from network TV, and anything less should be punished.

Earlier this week Chase Utley tried to put this nonsense to rest, saying, “I tell all kids not to use that word. If they're 29 and they win the World Series, I think they can say that. But I definitely would say to all the kids out there, 'Kids, it's a bad word. Don't say it. And I'm dead serious.'’” I don’t understand why not everyone could have this approach. I wish I could say the the people complaining were Mets fans, but they probably weren't. I guess I wish people were smarter.

Fire Bill Conlin?

So Bill Conlin has decided to weigh in on the Raul Ibanez signing. He says a lot of stupid things. Here's the second half of the article, FJMed. The first half was mostly Ponce de Leon references.

Never mind that righty-swinging Pat Burrell averaged 141 strikeouts during his nine seasons here and never struck out fewer than 120 times. Is that the kind of consistency you're happy to have? In seven seasons as a regular player, the late-blooming Ibanez has averaged 93 strikeouts.
Seriously, why do people keep harping on strikeouts? They really aren’t worse than any other out. I get that it can be frustrating to see Burrell jump back from a pitch down the heart of the plate for a called third strike, but that doesn’t make it any more of an out than a fly ball to right field. Yeah, Ibanez has struck out fewer times than Burrell has, but I’ll take Burrell’s .367 career OBP over Ibanez’s .346. Despite striking out less, Ibanez doesn’t get on base as much as Burrell does. Seriously, strikeouts aren’t relevant.

And he has a better career average vs. lefthanders, .268, than Burrell does against righthanders, .251.
Um, this might be a dumb question, but so what? Burrell’s role wasn’t really ever to hit righthanders; against a RHP you would count on Howard and Utley for the majority of the offence. Burrell was there to provide balance when the team was facing a lefty. The more apt comparison would be Ibanez’s .268 career AVG against LHP against Burrell’s .276 AVG and .410 OBP against LHP.

However, I'm not going to buy into the Phillies' claim that Raul hits lefthanders better than he hits righthanders. His .305 average against lefties last season appears to be a statistical anomaly and should be discounted. Plus, he won't have a book on many National League pitchers.
You’re absolutely right, this is without question an outlier. I appreciate your statistical acumen.

The best news? He has faced Mets ace Johan Santana 34 times and has a .353 average.
Oh. Forget that last thing I said. Come on, you can’t really be saying that this is going to continue. It’s another anomaly, a small sample size. Even the most optimistic, diehard Phils fan has to expect some regression here. He’s not going to keep hitting over .350 against Johan.

Manuel will be juggling his lineups at a time when the National League is a little short of quality lefthanders. Santana has been something less than advertised - very good, but not exceptional
I may be wrong here, but I would say that when a pitcher leads the league in ERA, IP, and ranks second in strikeouts he has been exceptional. Yeah, he only had 16 wins, but wins are a terrible measure of a pitcher’s performance. Jamie Moyer and Aaron Cook also had 16 wins, and they’re not that good. You can’t hold the Mets’ bullpen against him.

- and the Mets' bullpen is heavily righthanded with Scott Schoeneweis and Billy Wagner out of the picture.
I just wanted to take a minute here and say Fuck You to Billy Wagner. He’s an asshole.

Only four of the 24 winningest pitchers in the National League last season were lefthanders. Santana and Moyer were tied for most wins with 16, followed by Cole Hamels with 14 and former Phil Randy Wolf with 12. Does Wolfie scare you?
Again, just to reiterate, wins are stupid. Randy Wolf is not the 4th best LHP in the NL. And no, he doesn’t especially scare me, especially considering he doesn’t so much have a team right now. I am scared, though, by some of the LHP that some of the better teams in the league, and teams in the NL East, have: Santana, obviously, Clayton Kershaw, Andrew Miller, Jeff Francis, Scott Olsen, even Ted Lily. These pitchers give their teams a good chance to win against us, even when their ace, like Billingsley or Nolasco, isn’t on the mound.

Ryan Howard hit more home runs off lefthanded pitchers last year (14) than did any righthanded hitter but teammate Jayson Werth, who blasted 16. MVP Albert Pujols hit 11. Sleep easy.
Werth absolutely kills lefthanded pitching, there’s no doubt about that. But Ryan Howard, while he’s hit a lot of HRs against lefties, only has a career OPS of .786 against them. That’s pretty miserable.

Chase Utley batted .277 against lefthanders last season, despite the hip injury that restricted his swing. And guess who was No. 3 behind Howard in homers off lefthanders? You'd be right if you said Utley, with 13 bombs.
Yeah, Chase Utley is the man. Considering offense, defense, and the value of his position, Utley is the best baseball player in the world right now. This doesn’t have anything to do with, well, anything else, I just like saying it.

So let's not fly into a forum and chat-room frenzy over all this Phillies' lefthandedness. Think of all the righthanded pitchers who will have to face a lefthanded gantlet when Utley is back in a lineup that will include switch-hitters Jimmy Rollins and Shane Victorino, Utley, Howard and Ibanez. That's a six-pack of dynamite.
I counted the names in this paragraph four times trying to figure out who the sixth person he was referring to is. There isn’t one. Unless dynamite is commonly sold in six-packs, and I just had no idea this was a common expression, this maybe isn’t the best metaphor.

Manuel will have some flexibility. You could see a lineup against a lefthanded starter that opens with the World Series alignment that flipped Victorino and Werth in the Nos. 2 and 6 holes. Ask CC Sabathia, now in Yankees pinstripes, how that worked out. With Werth establishing himself as a certified power threat, Charlie could bat Shane No. 2, Utley 3, Howard 4, Werth 5 and Ibanez 6.
I guess I could live with that. Still though, I would have rather had Delmon Young. Whatever.

And please don't start with, "Don't tell me they're gonna pay $10 million a year to a No. 6 hitter." The Phillies just got through paying $14 million a year for a guy who hit .257, struck out a ton, clogged the bases, hasn't driven in 100 runs since 2005, has never scored 100 runs, and is a seven-inning player.
This last sentence is what motivated me to write this. Yes, Pat Burrell was making too much money. But after that, everything else falls apart here. Clogged the bases? Yeah, damn, I hate when baseball players get on base. That never works out. Like, in Game 5 of the World Series, when Pat led off with a double, clogging up the bases. Who cares that it led to the run that won the World Series, he’s slow. The purpose of baseball is to score runs, and you need to get on base to do that. As for not driving in 100 runs since 2005, is it maybe possible that there is a correlation between that and hitting behind Ryan Howard and Chase Utley, who both have been consistently driving in triple figures? When Ryan Howard is clearing the bases 45 times a year in front of him, the RBI opportunities just haven’t been there for Pat. As for this seven inning player nonsense, Ibanez is just as bad a fielder as Burrell; it wouldn't surprise me at all to see Bruntlett filling in defensively to protect late leads.

Yeah, I don't think that this was the best move the Phillies could have made. It kills me that they're giving up their first round pick in the next draft. There were better options out there, be it moving Jason Donald and someone else to get Delmon Young, or signing Juan Rivera, who I think is going to put up some pretty big numbers this year. Whatever, with Utley coming back healthy, Cole Hamels having emerged as one of the most dominant big game pitchers in the world, and Brad Lights Out Lidge, I'm still feeling good about the Fightins.

Also, I do really like reading Bill Conlin, and I don't want him to get fired. Titles are really hard to think of though. Eh, blame.