Exchanging Lineups: The Deleted Scenes

Here are some potential verses from Exchanging Lineups that didn't make it into the final poem. It's not that they weren't good enough. Maybe they were too good? Again, some were written by Dick, some by me, and I have to think it's pretty obvious who wrote which.

B is for Bowa
An angry shortstop.
Gold with the glove
But his bat had no pop.

C is for Carlos
Panamanian backstop.
Upped his game in the Series
Now the Phils are on top.

C is for Coste
He can hit and can write.
Despite years in the minors
Never gave up the fight.

D is for Drew
A worthless little shit
If only his face
A thrown battery’d hit

D is for Dutch
Though he is crazy now.
Travel through time
And help Mitch out somehow.

E is for Edgardo
Alfonzo and fewest errors.
His play at second
Made the 99 Mets all the better.

E is for Eckstein
His hustle and grit.
Who cares if he won’t
come through with a hit.

E is for Eyre
A midseason pickup,
Retiring lefties
With hardly a hiccup.

H is for Howard
And of course home run too.
The strike outs don’t worry me,
Nor should they you.

J is for Jimmy,
Cocky but great.
“Team to beat” are the words
That Mets fans now hate

J is for Jayson
And the balls he hits far
I hope my mom lets him out
Of the trunk of her car.

K is for Kruk
And his wondrous mullet
Like Superman’s cape
You don’t want to pull it

L is for Lidge
On the mound, top nine.
Strike three to Hinske,
Even Buck's call was fine.

M is for Moyer,
The ageless wonder.
Looking for a fastball
Is quite a blunder.

N is for Nunez,
Wes Helms and Dave Bell.
A trio of third basemen
Straight from baseball Hell.

P is for Pat,
He led the parade.
Not even with time
Will that memory fade.

P is for Pedro
In the field always scrappy.
His single in the seventh
Made the whole city happy.

Q is for Queens
Not where the Mets play
But rather their fans
All of whom are gay.

V is the Vet,
Years ago knocked down.
Count on a riot
When the Mets were in town.

W is for Wright;
His name and his swing.
His game, all-in-all,
Is a beautiful thing.

W is for World Series
The Mets and Phils both have two.
Whose team gets the next one?
Me or You?

W is for Williams,
The Wild Thing, Mitch
If only he’d never
Been brought in to pitch.

Exchanging Lineups

A is for Ashburn
Whom I never saw play,
But loved on the radio
Joining Harry’s play by play.

B is for Brogna
My childhood hero.
Probably explains
Why I'm still such a zero.

C is for Cole,
Carlton reborn.
Two lefties leaving
The batter forlorn.

D is for Dallas Green
Played for both; K'ed nary a hitter.
Didn't stop there - -
For both, became a Skipper.

E is for Eisenreich
A rightfielder with pluck.
Had a powerful arm
And shit, bitch, ass, fuck!

F is for Franco
The first New York captain.
Fuck Derek Jeter
And the Yanks while we're at it.

G is for Gary,
Sarge and his hat.
Equally good
With a mic or a bat.

H is for HoJo
And the '86 Series.
Waiting to get back there
Is making me weary.

I is for Inky
And his mighty swing.
Joe Carter sure robbed him
Of that World Series Ring.

J is for John Olerud
Hit for the cycle - - how you like that?
They say that his swing
Was as hard as his hat.

K is for Kalas
The voice of the Phils.
His call of Game 5
Provides nothing but chills.

L is for Losingest
The very first season set the mark.
Even still, rooting for the Mets
Takes a lot of heart.

M is for Moyer,
The ageless wonder.
Looking for a fastball
Is quite a blunder.

N is for no No-Nos.
Bleeders, bloops, and frozen ropes,
Teams always hit at least one,
And I'm starting to lose hope.

O is for Owens
And Pat Gillick too.
To each man fans owe
A heartfelt “Thank you.”

P is for Piazza;
Most dingers ever for a 2.
Still wish Mike speared Clemens
With the broken bat he threw.

Q is for quaint,
Which the Vet never was.
But the roar from the top
Would give visitors pause.

R is for Rich,
As Lenny’s become;
Steroids or cash,
He has quite the sum.

S is for Stocker
His career peaked in ’93.
But I still have his rookie card,
It’s mint condition. Fuck me.

T is for Tug
A Phil and a Met.
Ya gotta believe
He’d be a safe bet.

U is for Utley,
World Fucking Champ.
Is an MVP next
For this loveable scamp?

V is for Valentine
And his Eye Black mustache.
Said Sayonara for Japan
And now is swimming in cash.

W is for Williams,
The Wild Thing, Mitch.
If only he’d never
Been brought in to pitch.

X is for Xavier
A short-lived, but great Met.
Brought a tear to my eye
When they sent him to Pitt.

Y is for Youth
Much of mine I passed
Watching the Phils
Struggle in last.

Z is for Zambrano,
Not the good one, but Victor.
Fuck you, Steve Phillips.



Dick and I wrote this, inspired by this Ogden Nash Poem. I wrote the first letter, and from there we alternated. We're both better at poetry than Winston. Baseball starts soon. Get excited.