Ken Rosenthal, Welcome to Thunderdome

This article about Brian Sabean is a bit much.

Evidently, Brian Sabean has forgotten the final play of the 2003 NL Division Series, when the Giants' J.T. Snow barreled into Marlins catcher Ivan “Pudge” Rodriguez, trying to dislodge the ball.

Nope. Bet you he hasn't forgotten. Bet you he still sometimes wakes up at night (maybe not since the world series win last year, but still) and has visions of one of the more excruciating ways to lose in the playoffs.

And, J.T. snow "barreled into" Pudge? Really? If anything, that is a phenomenal play by Pudge, diving back in front of Snow as he attempts to dive through a wide open window to home plate. It is in no way the same thing that Cousins did the other night, when he chose to dive back towards the field where Posey was crouched, as opposed to pursuing the path of least resistence towards the backstop. I'm not saying what Cousins did was dirty, but it's not the same thing that J.T. Snow did (or really, what Pudge did).

Evidently, Sabean is unaware of the argument that the Giants’ Buster Posey had his feet in the wrong position, leaving himself vulnerable to his season-ending hit by the Marlins' Scott Cousins.

No, I would bet that he's heard that ridiculous argument and the reason why he is speaking out now, a full 8 days after the injury (which you'll lambast him for in a second) is because that argument has gained so much traction in the last few days.

Were Posey's feet in the wrong position? Seems likely, even though the inestimable Tim McCarver was the first to posit this point. But you know under which circumstances the placement of Posey's feet wouldn't have been an issue? If Cousins didn't choose to go towards the front of the plate and kamikaze him.

I bet Posey would do it differently if he had the option, but in an article about whether or not Cousins should be blamed for running into a catcher, this is a decidedly irrelevant argument to make.

Evidently, Sabean is suffering from a baseball form of post-traumatic stress disorder.

I hate when people tell me not to take sports seriously, so I won't do that. But don't trivialize mental conditions with crappy comparisons to sports, especially conditions that gained traction through the suffering of war vets.

Everyone who loves the sport is upset by Posey’s injury. Lots of us believe Cousins' hit was misguided. But the Giants general manager went too far Thursday when, in an interview with San Francisco radio station KNBR, he wished for the end of Cousins' career.

“If I never hear from Cousins again and he never plays another game in the big leagues, I think we'll all be happy,” Sabean said.

“(Cousins) chose to be a hero in my mind, and if that's his flash of fame, that's as good as it's going to get, pal,” Sabean said. “We'll have a long memory."

Sabean is angry. And understandably so. If "everyone who loves the sport" is upset by this hit, why wouldn't the guy in charge of the team be exponentially more upset?

And I honestly don't think Sabean was wishing for the end of the guy's career. If he was, then my defense of him holds considerably less water. But taking for granted for a second that he wasn't wishing ill will to this guy, it's very possible that the longest tenured GM in baseball thinks Scott Cousins (.222/.276/.346 in 66 ML games and, granted, only 44 ABs) is not very good at baseball and won't be around for all that long. Even in AAA Cousins only OPSed .792 in 118 games, so it's not absurd to think that these might be some of the few days we see of Scott Cousins in the majors and that this might seriously be the only noteworthy thing he does.

“Believe me, we're talking to (former catcher) Mike Matheny about how this game works. You can't be that out-and-out overly aggressive. I'll put it as politically as I can state it: There's no love lost and there shouldn't be.”

This was probably a bit much. Hit him next time, but don't talk about it.

I could maybe understand Sabean's reaction if it occurred in the heat of the moment — the night of Posey's injury or even the day after. But eight days later? Sabean had plenty of time to sort through his emotions.

"Yep, thought about it. Still pissed."

MLB, WWE, it's all starting to sound the same.

Not quite, but Ken Rosenthal might me on to something here! I think Brian Sabean should challenge Scott Cousins to a ladder match on homeplate at AT&T Park. We'll put the MLB rule book up top, and whoever gets up there first gets to decide whether the collisions rules will be amended! Oh this is awesome! Somebody get Vince McMahon on the phone, we've got tickets to sell!

I've got no problem with the Giants being upset.

Really? Seems like you've got a tiny issue with Brian Sabean being upset...

I've got no problem with manager Bruce Bochy lobbying for a change in rules. Baseball should better protect its catchers, not because it was Posey, the reigning NL Rookie of the Year, who got hurt, but because it's the right thing to do.

Is this the first catcher injury of the year? I'm not sure and I don't feel like looking it up, but I feel like this has A LOT to do with the fact that it was the reigning NL ROY. Nobody is going to shed tears over Ronnie Paulino getting trucked (if and when that happens).

MLB on FOX's Tim McCarver had a good suggestion — a base runner who hits a catcher near the head should automatically be ejected and fined, his run taken off the board.

Well it's a suggestion. It's not a good suggestion. You want umpires to be able to judge hits to the head? Have you seen how much trouble the NHL has had with that this year? They still sometimes get it wrong (allegedly) days later after hundreds of rewatchings. And you have to be aware of how contentious the instant replay issue has been in baseball. Are you going to be willing to let umpires slow down the game to see if there was intent in the contact? If you're not planning on it, you should be, especially if we're gonna start negating runs all willy nilly.

FOXSports.com's Jon Paul Morosi also had a sound proposal — a base runner should be called out if he initiates contact with a catcher who is not blocking the plate.

Cousins might have been called out under the McCarver Rule. He certainly would have been called out under the Morosi Rule.

I think you've got that backwards, chief. Watch the video again. Cousins puts his shoulder into Posey's chest protector. No contact with his head whatsoever. The first thing that Posey's head hits is the dirt when he places his forehead on the ground and claws at the ground like he's crawling out of a foxhole with no legs (which might be exactly what that felt like based on the subsequent medical reports).

And he most certainly COULD have been called out under the Morosi rule. You know who thinks so? Morosi. That's why he wrote the article. From this article (on FoxSports.com - - the same goddamn site posted Rosenthal's article, too.)

"If that rule were in effect Wednesday, Florida's Scott Cousins would have been called out after initiating contact with Posey -- rather than sliding -- on a play at the plate in the Marlins' 7-6, 12-inning win."

Research, people. Simple research.

But let's assume Morosi didn't write that. What sort of collision do you think that would apply to, Rosenthal? Josh Hamilton belts a homerun, trots around the bases, then throws a Superman punch to Kurt Suszuki's face before he puts him in a suplex on home plate? I don't think some of the contact in Baseketball would get people ejected in the MLB if Ken Rosenthal was in charge. (PS - I'm really digging this MLB/WWE idea. I think we've really got something).

Here's what Morosi had in mind as justification:

"Posey was not in possession of the ball as Cousins arrived with what proved to be the winning run. Nor was Posey completely blocking the plate. Cousins had an alley to slide in safely, around the tag. He didn't take it."

Not, "Posey was standing approximately 4 feet from homeplate when Cousins pointed to the stands and asked, 'Is that your, Mom?' before he donkey punched Posey in the back of the dome."

But it is wrong to demonize Cousins for a play that was not outside the present rules, a play that even some Giants said was clean, a play that required an instinctive, split-second base-running decision in the 12th inning of a tie game.

Posey set up in front of home plate, leaving Cousins a lane in which to slide. In retrospect, Cousins should have used that lane. But that's easy for others to say.

Let's take the second point first: you admit that Cousins shouldn't have done that? What have we been talking about all this time? And who are the others? Are they the same others who are finding it really easy to criticize the avenue through which Brian Sabean expressed his outrage. The others are assholes.

And as for the first point (not demonizing players for things that weren't against the rules at the time), uh, what do you call all of these?

Steroid use should affect baseball and somehow SABR nerds are also to blame
Players who get DUIs should be punished via non-existent DUI rule
Actual article title: Was it really worth it, Barry?
Mark McGwire's apology not good enough for Rosenthal
Video: Punish A-Rod and Tejada
Indignation over Sammy Sosa being on that stupid list

This is just a sampling of Rosenthal's righteous commentary that does EXACTLY the same thing he just spoke out against. I got tired of looking at these, but there are plenty more if you're interested.

Consistency, people. Simple consistency.

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Having re-read this, I now see that Rosenthal said he WOULD be called out under the Morosi rule. Certainly steals some ire away from my argument, and it should be noted that Rosenthal wasn't nearly as wrong in writing this as I first claimed.

Hello, My Friend, Hello

It's been too long since I posted, so here's a quick thought to remind the Phils they still love it in the can.

Curses are dumb

People, for the most part, are stupid. They watch Fox News, take quizzes on Facebook, and are responsible for Larry the Cable Guy. Most appallingly, though, many of them believe in sports curses. Even the writers of this site aren’t above this; at least part of Gerber believes that the Mets are sucking so badly this year because they started an affiliation with the AAA Buffalo Bison (pronounced bi-zon). But that’s asinine. The Mets are struggling because they have a terrible GM, who was brought in to replace a terrible GM, who in turn replaced another terrible GM. They don’t pay overslot for draft picks, opting instead to do things like giving $25 million contracts to Luis Castillo. And, well, everyone on that team, with the exception of Johan Santana, is a little bitch. There is no curse. Here are the real reasons behind some other famous sports curses.

Let’s get the biggest one out of the way, the Curse of the Bambino. The Red Sox went from 1918 to 2004 without winning the World Series. Some people thought that it was because the franchise was cursed, doomed to mediocrity because they had sold promising pitcher George Ruth to the Yankees. Other people realize that this 86 year stretch happened mostly because Tom Yawkey, longtime Red Sox owner, was a terrible, terrible racist. He had the first chance to sign Jackie Robinson, but he passed. Robinson and Ted Williams in the same lineup? Damn. The team also had the chance to sign Willie Mays, Hank Aaron, and Ernie Banks. Declined on all three. Seriously, the Red Sox didn’t integrate until after Jackie Robinson had retired. The Yawkey family sold the team before the 2003 season. Since then? Two World Series.

Whining about curses isn’t exclusive to the American League. Cubs fans do it too. They call it the Curse of the Billy Goat. It’s not worth repeating here. The real reason the Cubs haven’t won a World Series since 1908? Their winningest pitcher is Charlie Root. How much success could they legitimately expect?

Curses aren’t exclusive to baseball either. Just ask a Detroit Lions fan. In 1958 the team traded quarterback Bobby Layne to the Steelers. Layne allegedly said that the Lions wouldn’t win for fifty years. They haven’t. What can explain this curse? Well, Barry Sanders is the only memorable Lion I can think of. He realized the futility of playing for the Lions and retired early. Here’s a list that some guy made of the top 75 Lions of all time. Look at the top 10. Seven of them played all, or a significant portion, of their career before 1958. You have to go down to #59 on the list to find a quarterback who played after Layne.

Some curses affect more than one team, afflicting whole cities. Until this past October, Philadelphia was plagued by the Curse of William Penn. Prior to the Phillies becoming World Fucking Champions, no Philadelphia team had won a title since One Liberty Place was built, becoming the first building to rise higher than the statue of William Penn on the top of City Hall. There was no curse. People like Rich Kotite, Ray Rhodes, and Donovan McNabb’s gaping vagina kept the Eagles from winning the Superbowl. The Flyers never won the Stanley Cup because they’ve had goalies like Roman Cechmanek, Robert Esche, Garth Snow, a very old John Vanbiesbrouck, and Martin Biron. The Sixers didn’t win anything because they were never able to find anyone good who could play with AI. And the Phillies, the losingest team in all of sports, were held down by decisions like putting in Mitch Williams, giving Ed Wade a job, letting Ed Wade keep his job, and still not firing Ed Wade. Plus, they never should have traded Larry Bowa and that second baseman throw in.

And the Phillies just won, sweeping the Cubs. Time to go do something else.

Top 10 things that have happened in my life since the NL won their last All Star Game

10. I graduated from elementary school, middle school, high school, and college.
9. I turned 11.
8. I traveled to 12 different countries.
7. Found out for sure that Santa isn't real.
6. Started picking out my own clothes. Every morning.
5. No one tells me when to go to bed anymore.
4. All but one of my favorite teams from the four major sports (Mets, Giants, Rangers, Knicks) have at least made the championship of their respective sport.
3. Drank my first beer.
2. Girls stopped being gross/I found out how awesome boobs are.
1. I grew pubes.

Howard Bryant is Prolifically Stupid

Dude, give it a rest already.

If you happen to be Sammy Sosa or Alex Rodriguez, or even Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds or Rafael Palmeiro, at this point, invincibility has been your best friend. You won. You got away with it. The large majority of your peers, your bosses and the people who pay to watch you play the game agree that using anabolic substances is cheating. On March 17, 2005, Sosa and Palmeiro testified to the House Government Reform Committee that using steroids was cheating.

Yet, you've all been caught and faced no sanction.

Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. More wrong than a dog fucking a donkey sucking on your mother's toes (and that shit is real wrong).

The jury is still out on Sosa and Rodriguez. At the very least, their images have been permanently altered; for Sosa, his 2005 Congressional testimony is already being reexamined, seemingly with the likelihood that perjury charges could be brought. Those two have been outed too recently though to really analyze the situation.

Unless of course you're Howard Bryant and you only need 4 days to write 2 articles analyzing what everyone and their mother already new about Sosa. Then you can draw as many conclusions as you like.

As for the others, we're past the point where we can say they got away scott-free. Roger Clemens is still under investigation by the FBI and a Grand Jury was convened to consider indicting him with perjury charges. That sounds exactly like the retirement I always envisioned for myself.

Barry Bonds, the all-time home run leader in MLB history, could not find a team to play for while he was still willing. Oh, and he's also under federal indictment for perjury. Man, I wish I got to relax like millionaire ex-baseball players do...

So far Rafael Palmeiro has the best case for being "untouchable." Except for the fact that he'll almost assuredly be the first player with 3,000+ hits and 500+ home runs not to be inducted on his first ballot. Oh, and he used Viagra.

Perhaps the Hall of Fame voters will punish you when it is time for induction, but from the institutions that matter -- Major League Baseball and the National Baseball Hall of Fame -- silence has governed.

Comprehending the second-greatest organizational failure in the history of the game has been left as an individual choice.

The second greatest organizational failure, eh? Then what was the first?

There is nothing clean about the steroids disaster. The commissioner is...

Nope, that's still the steroid scandal. Skip ahead, skip ahead...

The two greatest organizational failures in baseball history have closely mirrored the larger society.

Right. You mentioned that already. What's the other one?

The first -- the 60-plus years of segregated baseball -- reflected the unfortunate attitudes of the times.

Phew! That one took a while!

And are you sure about that, Sparky? First, isn't that more of an organizational failure for America than it is for baseball? It's not like everyone was walking around holding hands and we weren't telling people where they could stand, sit, eat, or shit and we weren't burning crosses on people's lawns and we weren't chastising mixed marriages and baseball was the only one saying you can't play with us. All of those things were happening all of the time, in and out of baseball.

And! Branch Rickey signed Jackie Robinson to a minor league deal in 1945 and brought him up to the majors in 1947 a full 7 years before Brown v. BOE of Topeka. So how exactly is that a failure on baseball's part? Wasn't baseball more trailblazing than they were failing?

The second -- the cynical, industrywide [sic] choice of money over integrity -- not only has poisoned baseball in the form of a runaway PED scandal but also has damaged institutions such as Wall Street and the banking industry.

You heard it here first (well, really, second because Howard Bryant keeps bringing up the same, tired, woefully inaccurate point, but I think you get my meaning) - - Major League Baseball is the reason why you had to foreclose on your house!

Did baseball choose money over integrity? Youbetcha. Was it the first time in history? Sub-question: are you out of your fucking mind?! I can count on one hand the number of times someone chose integrity over money.

And Jose Canseco offering steroids to every man, woman, and child in the 90s did not cause Wall Street to become greedier or GM to keep shitty books.

Now some tired stuff about how baseball says they want to move on, the cheaters are still getting away with it - - essentially everything he said in his article from two days prior - - so we'll just skip all of that.

Does management really want to rid the game of performance enhancers? If it does, here is what baseball should do:

Oh this should be good. This article is only 5 years removed from when every sports rag had to peddle a similar article out there. OK, Howie - - lay your innovation on me.

1. Selig must place any player found to have used anabolic substances on baseball's ineligible list for at least a portion of his Hall of Fame eligibility. Keeping players out of the Hall of Fame is the only language players understand. Because of the money, they are untouchable.

So is it money that players respond to or is it the HoF? This whole time the greed of the MLB has caused all of America's problems, but now the revolving doors of the Hall of Fame (which are remarkably non-revolving) are the roost cause of inflation.

The commissioner needs to create a sliding punitive scale: 10 years on the ineligible list after the last active game for the 104 players whose names were on the 2003 survey testing list or in the Mitchell report or who violated the league policy from 2004 to 2009; lifetime ban for anyone caught using steroids starting in the 2010 season.

I really want to see who was on that 2003 survey list. But, it would be a really shitty thing to keep those players from the Hall of Fame. Why? Because they said they wouldn't get in trouble! Interesting strategy here, Cotton: let's have the MLB lie to improve it's moral standing.

Bryant adds something about character and integrity and writing on HoF plaques, which aren't altogether terrible insights, but I'm really sick of reading his article.

Let's part with this:

Such steps are not perfect, but they represent a start beyond the talk, a stronger deterrent for players. And in some way, they address the areas important to the public: the Hall of Fame and the idea that players not only escaped punishment but were rewarded for doing so.

Howard Bryant is really pimping this retribution thing hard! Are you starting to hear the jealousy in his voice like I am? One thing's for sure: if steroids could make you a better writer, Howard Bryant would be all hopped up on that shit. And I would have to say they certainly couldn't hurt at this point.

Wake Up and Smell the Anabolic Steroids

Sammy Sosa apparently tested positive for steroids. Everyone saw that coming. Except this guy.

A saying exists in baseball that the smartest person in any clubhouse is the guy with either the highest batting average or the most consecutive zeroes on his paycheck.

I have never heard that saying.

In other words, the superstars -- smart or dumb; black, white, Latino or Asian; old or young -- run the show.

Ok, let's say that adage does exist: why would that surprise you? And what does it matter how old, young, dark, or light someone is, your original point was that that person is a superstar and that's what matters. I already feel a migraine coming on.

Keep that in mind as you consider the New York Times report that Sammy Sosa is one of the 104 players who tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in baseball's 2003 survey testing because the news should not be met with an indifferent yawn, as if Sosa is just another in a long line of Hall of Fame-caliber talent biting the dust: Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez and now Sosa, all in the first half of the 2009 season alone. Instead, this news should be greeted with the kind of outrage reserved for the worst breaches of trust because you, Mr. and Mrs. Fan, have been taken for a very special kind of ride.

First: nay, sir. I was not taken for a ride. At this point (and I don't think I'm anywhere near the minority with this one) I'm more surprised when I wake up each morning and don't hear that one of my favorite players has an ear growing out of his forehead. Instead it was you, Mr. Sportswriter, who was taken for a very special kind of ride; very special because you were the only person on that ride.

It must have been soul-crushing when Howard Bryant found out that Santa wasn't real - - during his junior year of college.

Second: why are we supposed to be outraged about this one? How is this different from any of the other recently outed stars? Because he is in fact "just another in a long line of Hall of Fame-caliber talent biting the dust."

By now, that con game has been exposed completely and a new argument -- let's call it the "Alex Rodriguez Defense," used by players, fans and, unfortunately, some Hall of Fame voters -- has surfaced. This one suggests that these steroid-using superstar players were merely "caught up in a culture."

Yup. That's what happened. Look, in free agency, it's every man for himself. Especially in an arbitration system where a player is endlessly compared to his peers on paper alone, every edge counts. Beyond that, once you see that 3 out of 5 of your competitors are getting an edge at a pretty reasonable price (neglecting of course the harmful biological effects) you'd be likely to try it yourself.

It is one thing to lie, which is bad enough, but what these players have done is infinitely worse. They have lied, convinced that their good will and celebrity -- and batting averages -- would allow them just enough dispensation to get away with it, to drown out anyone not taken in by their false charms.

Chicks dig the long ball. And, not coincidentally, so does everyone in America. Mark McGwire saved baseball while he was hopped up on more bovine hormone than an actual Big Mac. Same goes for Sosa and Bonds. To condemn them for that now while we were all loving it is just as much deception and backstabbing as lying about steroids in the first place.

Even as the card house collapsed, the players knew the fans were just red-blooded capitalists who would forgive lying and cheating because there was big money at stake.

I don't think the players thought it through that much. I don't think they gave a shit about forgiveness; that never even crossed their minds.

How many times have we all heard the old saw? "Well, what would you have done for $10 million? You would've done the same thing."

Yes, you would have. I know I would have. I know a handful of people who I believe possess enough integrity to have said no in that situation. I don't count myself among them.

Now I'd like to think I would have done the Pettite thing and just owned up. "Yep, you got me. Real sorry about that. Honestly." Is it worse to continue to lie about it? Absolutely. But that's not the issue right now; the issue is why you're surprised that players who lied about this for the majority of their careers are going to change their tune now.

Ironically, it is the Phillies' Raul Ibanez, burned by a blogosphere that does not have to adhere to traditional journalistic standards, who now turns back to the mainstream media -- with all of their supposed "agendas" -- to defend his name.

I'm not going to discuss this point, it's already been beaten into the ground. But one thing: "a blogosphere?" If you're going to needlessly disparage someone's passion or hobby, at least know how to refer to it let alone what actually was said.

But fans aren't the only suckers walking around today.

The writers did the same, and continue to do so. Some have decided to use their Hall of Fame votes in the affirmative for the game's great but disgraced players -- Sosa, Bonds, Clemens, Ramirez -- because the players were part of a larger culture.

Interesting that those guys have received HoF votes, seeing as how not a single one of them is eligible and two of them aren't retired (and one will definitely be playing in 2 weeks time). Jerk off.

Is this baseball or Wall Street? The cultural intention to defraud is the same.

Bazing! Good one. So let's haphazardly use your same faulty logic and lazy approach to research in another venue you're hopelessly unqualified to critique: finance! First, guy, what the fuck do you know about Wall Street? And b) I haven't been on the floor in a while, but I can't imagine the institutional goal of Wall Street is to defraud. Nor is it in baseball.

Today, it is not enough for a player merely to say he never used. Albert Pujols already did so on the cover of Sports Illustrated this year. Derek Jeter constantly has protected his legacy by saying "Not everyone is on this stuff." Both might never have used, but the words of Jeter or Pujols have no more value than Sosa's empty challenge to anyone questioning his accomplishments.

So you admit that you don't believe these guys! Then why the fuck are you so surprised?!

In the words of that old dude with leprosy from Braveheart: You let yourself be deceived.

Three One Two Four Five

8:30 – This summer, with the job I have, I get to work overnight if I want to. I’m actually doing that right now. It’s not so busy here; there was maybe a half hour’s worth of work to do when I go in, but that’s mostly done, leaving me free to write this nonsense and watch the discovery channel, at least until the Lakers Magic game comes on. Consider this a live blog of a 7pm-7am shift.

I don’t especially care about the NBA; the finals aren’t all that compelling, and I don’t have a rooting interest. I guess it would be cool for Jameer Nelson to win an NBA title, he’s a good guy, it seems. Though it would have been a lot cooler had he won an NCAA Championship. Fucking Oklahoma State. But beyond him, I don’t care about anyone playing anymore, I’m even pretty ambivalent towards Kobe.

All this talk about Kobe’s legacy is boring as hell. Honestly, I couldn’t care less about it, or NBA history in general. There’s very little of interest there; I have no idea how Bill Simmons managed to put together a 700 page book on the subject. It’s not like baseball history, which is incredible. Basketball history is essentially Naismith, Wilt getting laid, the Celtics winning titles, that all-star game where the players refused to play, Kareem, Bird, Magic, MJ, and then present day. I feel like you could pick any decade since like 1890 (maybe excluding the 80s) and there would be more interesting baseball stuff in that ten year period than in the entire history of the NBA.

I moved last weekend and I’m happy that’s done. Moving three people’s stuff in one day just in not a good idea. But the new place is cool. You should come by.

8:54 – National Anthem in LA. The guy is doing a good job, but honestly I prefer just an instrumental version. Regardless, America is amazing. The other day I actually made a list of the greatest Americans in history, and I was going to write about them all and crap, but since the only internet I have is intermittent wireless that reaches from the school I just kinda lost interest. Anyway, here’s the top five: Andrew Jackson, Jim Morrison, Neil Armstrong, Ted Williams, and Mark Twain. This is indisputable; if you disagree I can only presume that you support the terrorists. You’re either with us or against us.

9:03 – Quick flurry of work. Not really much, it took like four minutes and now it’s over, just in time for tip off. I think that Andrew Bynum is going to break out this series, and just annihilate Howard. I don’t like Howard. He’s an absolute beast, and he’s probably known he was bound for the NBA since like middle school. He should have been practicing his foul shots.

9:14 – We have an incredible soda machine here. Like half the time it gives you two cans. Incredible. Maybe this is why the city’s budget is so fucked up. Also, I’m clearly not an economist.

9:24 – Just printed out some guy’s criminal record. It was so many pages I had to use one of those black clip things instead of a paper clip. The guy was committing crimes all over the country, a really serious criminal. Maybe we need like some sort of 18 strike law or something to lock this guy up forever. Unrelated, except for the word strike, but Sandy Koufax twice struck out the side on nine pitches. Only two other players have done it twice. The first time Koufax did it was actually the first inning of his no hitter. Pure dominance.

9:30 – I brought a book to read in case things get really boring and slow: High Fidelity, by Nick Hornby. Being able to read is one of the coolest things about not being in school. After this I’m going to read Choke, by Chuck Palahniuk, Stonehenge, by Bernard Cornwell, and some book on the history of chess that my roommate has the looks interesting. The last book I finished was The King’s Commission, by Dewey Lambdin. It was ok, good enough for me to want to read the next one in the series.

9:45 – Still no work coming in. Come on people, commit some crimes. I just noticed that Nelson is in the game, and is killing it. Awesome. The Phils play in about 20 minutes, getting into the hard part of this road trip. They’ve won like six in a row, are 3.5 up in the Mets, and I feel like there isn’t a team in baseball that they can’t sweep. It’s an incredible team, and I like everyone on it. And now we actually have depth in our system. Happ and Bastardo have done well in the few starts they’ve had, we have a ton of corner outfielders, at all levels, Drabek just got promoted to AA and is flowing there, Carrasco still has great stuff despite struggling this year, and I still have hope for Lou Marson and Joe Savery. Maybe we’ll even move some of these guys to acquire a co-ace. I know it won’t happen, but I’d love to see Ruben bring Roy Halladay to CBP.

10:11 – Oh man, I’m so pumped. I just got back inside from running laps around the CJC, (aside: that bing.com commercial was intense and impressive) trying to burn off some of the enthusiasm-driven energy. Why am I so pumped up? Because I just saw a commercial for the new GI Joe movie. It even had some stuff that wasn’t in the trailers I’ve seen. And holy shit, it looks incredible. Obviously there’s going to be a ton of ass-kicking. I mean, come on, it’s GI Joe. But the great thing about GI Joe, and I really hope the movie handles it well, is how cool the characters are, both the good guys and the bad.

My favorite GI Joe of all time is actually a member of Cobra: Firefly. I doubt he’ll be in this movie, but I would like to see him in a sequel. Dude’s incredible. He’s a demolition expert, great at blowing shit up. He’s a sneaky motherfucker too. But when the GI Joe’s spot him, that’s bad news too, cause he’ll kick their asses. He can fight Snake Eyes to a draw. Also, his action figure is the coolest.

10:31 – Gerber and I are going to write a movie. It’s only in the embryonic stages now, but I can tell it’s going to be great. Look for us to be winning Oscars in 2013.

10:49 – The undergrad intern just left, peacing ten minutes early. There really isn’t anything to do. Also, Kobe is going to sweep the Magic. Penguins won tonight. Fuck them.

11:03 – Doing some busy work. People need to stop being criminals. It’s not cool. But I dunno, I can’t help but feel it’s not all their fault. Not to make excuses, cause come on, stop it, but it’s remarkable how many of the defendants that come through here don’t have jobs. Also, it’s pretty absurd how much time and money is wasted prosecuting people for pretty minor drug offenses. We need to make some jobs and then just leave people alone if they’re not bothering anyone.

Some people, though, are just really fucked up, probably beyond any kind of help. Earlier this week some asshole took an eleven year old girl down some alley and raped her for like an hour. He should be gelded. Police named this guy as a person of interest, and offered a reward. This worked out pretty well: the guy was noticed in his neighborhood, and a bunch of people kicked the shit out of him. While this is pretty gratifying, vigilantism just isn’t a good thing. That group wasn’t the only posse stomping some guy in the name of justice; another group thought they were kicking and bludgeoning this same rapist, but it turned out to be the completely wrong guy. Oops.

11:34 – I really wish the Lakers weren’t killing the Magic so badly now, it would make my night less boring. 2008 World Series MVP Cole Hamels is locked in a pitchers’ duel against Clayton Kershaw, but as I write this Raaaaauuuuuuuuuuul Ibanez just belted an RBI double. Runners on 2nd and 3rd, one out, Pedro Feliz coming to bat. And the Dodgers are pulling Kershaw: 5.1 IP, 7H, 2ER, 5K.

11:40 – I think that maybe an alternate theory of the JFK assassination should be given some consideration. I’ve heard that Lee Harvey Oswald did not shoot Kennedy, and neither did anyone on a grassy knoll anywhere. There was certainly no magic bullet. No, some people are saying that the Secret Service shot JFK and that other guy. Why? Because they had just become zombies, having been very recently bitten. I’ve never seen anything or anyone saying that isn’t the case, so it must be true. Similarly, I’ve also never heard from anyone that Hillary Duff isn’t in to me, so I can only assume that that is equally true.

11:44 – The janitors are here now. I can’t stand the noise vacuum cleaners make. It’s worse than nails on a chalk board.

Randy Johnson won his 300th game tonight, topping the baseball juggernaut that is the Washington Nationals. Randy Johnson is pretty interesting. Obviously he’s a first ballot Hall of Famer, with huge K totals, and he was utterly dominant for a while, but for some reason I don’t think of him right away with Pedro, Maddux, and Clemens. I think part of it might be that he’s been pitching for so far past his peak, and completely reinvented himself. But he’s probably one of the five greatest lefthanders in history, with Koufax, Carlton, Waddell, and I don’t know, maybe Warren Spahn, Carl Hubbell, and Eddie Plank, who I’m almost positive is a lefty. Pretty elite. Slightly related, but did you know that of all the LHP starting pitchers in Cooperstown, the second lowest career ERA belongs to George Herman Ruth?

12:05 – The people at work are watching some show about stupid criminals. The FIghtin’s are up 3-0. Hamels is pitching really well, but has only struck out three through six. But he’s pitching a lot better than in his last start, so hopefully he’s good to go.

Albert Pujols is amazing. Is he top five first basemen of all time already? He’s definitely still behind Gehrig and Foxx, and probably Greenberg too. But I dunno, he could already be on a level with like Willie McCovey and Eddie Murray. And he’s still decently you, probably could play for another ten years. Damn.

12:16 – I’m bored. That’s all.

12:21 – Israel is probably funding the Somali pirates. If they’re not, they should. It’d be such a good move for them. It fucks with Egypt and all the Persian Gulf countries that don’t like Jews, and it brings an even greater American naval presence into the area. It’s a brilliant scheme.

Dave Holmes is on at least two TV shows. That amazes me, it’s two shows too many. Can we really not find anyone better? I think we can. Come on, America.

Most people write the letter “S” from top to bottom. I don’t, I go bottom to top. So does Winston, actually. It’s just more efficient that way, and writing flows better, left to right. What other letters do you end up going right to left? Pretty much only g, p, and y, and they’re fucked up because they go below the line. S’s should be written from bottom to top. Try it, it’s liberating.

12:42 – Phillies just won. Cole rocked the CG SO. 5K, 5H, fewer than 100 pitches. Ace. I doubt more than ten thousand people in LA know or care though, I guess LA had a bigger game tonight. Sometimes I think baseball would be more interesting had teams never moved to the West Coast, and things were a lot more regional, with just the east coast and the Midwest. The Royals could be like the westernmost team. That might be fun, so many rivalries all over the place. Hockey should have done the same thing, and not gone south of DC. Phoenix, really? Ugh, Gary Bettman.

12:55 – Approaching the halfway point. A nap would be huge. Going to go get food.

1:23 – Back to work. Well, not work. Can’t say that I’ve had an hour’s worth of work yet. Combined, the four of us here have done maybe two hours. We’ve also watched two full episodes of The Smoking Gun: World’s Dumbest Criminals. I can’t take this nonsense. What a terrible show.

2:39 – Long hour. Decent amount of work, actually. But that’s done, and now I guess it’s movie time. They put on The Strangers, something I really don’t have any desire to see. So far it’s not good. I don’t need to see people get stabbed. Rest assured, the movie I write with Dick will be better.

2:50 – I wish I had a five hour energy drink. This is clearly the perfect time for one. I know I’ve said it before, but it’s totally worthwhile to repeat: five hour energy is the best energy drink ever made. It’s what God drinks when He gets tired. Just amazing. There’s no crash. Seriously, Guarana has been holding us back for so long. This has rendered Rock Star, Monster, and Red Bull all obsolete.

3:01 – Four hours left. Less, even.

3:07 – People need to stop committing crimes. Everyone would benefit from it. Just be cool.

Since I’m doing this co-op nonsense, I have to go to class once a week for two hours at a time. It’s ridiculous. Including myself, there are four people in the class, plus the teacher. We don’t learn anything, just mostly sit and talk. We talked about what we thought about the first year of law school, other jobs we’ve had, bosses, and some other stuff. I don’t see how we’re supposed to be graded, and more importantly, I don’t see why I need to waste two hours a week. Whatever.

3:26 – Seriously, I can’t stress this enough: stop doing illegal things. It’s incredible, seeing some of these rap sheets that are like 80 pages long. Seriously, people in their fifties who’ve been committing crimes for decades, with no end in sight. I think part of the problem has to be how little jail time these fucks do. And we can’t put anyone in jail, because there’s no room. It’s absurd how fucked up this is. And also, a ton of paper gets wasted here. Pretty much not the most environmentally friendly working environment.

3:48 – Reading CNN.com. It’s an elite news source. So far, the high point has been a Sarah Palin quote from the political ticker, saying that Obama’s fiscal policies “defy economics 101.” If anyone would know, it’s Palin; community college Econ 101 is probably the extent of her economic education. God, she sucks. Second favorite is an article talking about how awesome all the shows on TNT are. TNT and CNN are, of course, owned by the same company. The news is awesome.

4:02 – I guess it’s time for the second half of tonight’s double feature; the guys who get paid to be here just put on Goodfellas. It’s a decent movie, much better than The Strangers. I just wish that Ray Liotta weren’t in it. Nothing against him, but I don’t see Henry Hill, I see Shoeless Joe Jackson. Third highest batting average of all time. He came up with the A’s and I wish he would have stayed in Philly playing his whole career for Connie Mack. He wouldn’t have been caught up in all that 1919 nonsense, and then who knows what he could have done. Challenge Ruth as biggest star of the 20s? Possible.

There are so many cool hypotheticals with baseball. What if Ted Williams had never missed time for two wars? What if Ty Cobb had tried to hit for power? How far would Matt Stairs hit a Walter Johnson fastball? What if Micky Mantle had been sober his whole career? How ridiculous would Satchel Paige’s numbers be if he hadn’t been stuck in the Negro Leagues? What about Josh Gibson? Sadaharu Of?

4:38 – No one writes kick ass songs about America anymore, and that sucks. We need like a God Bless America for this decade. And please don’t let it be a Toby Keith song.

Ok, more about books. Gatsby is pretty much held up as the book representative of the twenties. Same with Grapes of Wrath for the Thirties, Keroac for that era, you know. So what book is going to come to be considered to represent the 80s and 90s? Bright Lights, Big City is cool, written in the second person, but really isn’t that great a book. American Psycho nails that time period, but a whole lot of hookers get killed. Maybe Fight Club? Though the fighting and shit kinda overshadows a lot of that, especially in the movie. Also, Phillip Ross sucks, I’ve never been impressed with him. I’d say that Richard Russo is the best American novelist right now.

5:12 – So a couple weeks ago I wrote an all-star team of baseball movie characters. I was going to do the same for hockey, but there really isn’t enough for a full post. So I’ll put it here. The first line is Adam Banks centering Connor Banks and Ned Braden. Second line is Dean Youngblood, Stevie Weekes, and Gunner Stahl. Third line, my checking line, is the Hanson Brothers. First defensive pairing would be Reggie Dunlop and Tree, and the second would be Fulton Reed and John Beebee. Starting goalie is Julie the Cat Gaffney, backed up by the French Canadian guy that Keanu Reaves plays in Youngblood. It’s not a full roster because hockey movies just don’t have them.

5:40 – About an hour left. Goodfellas is still going strong, the Lufthansa heist just went down. I’m trying to decide if I want to walk home or pay the two dollars for the subway. If it’s not raining I’ll probably walk. Getting to wear jeans to work is great, way better than a suit.

6:10 – Wandered around for a little bit just now. Things are coming alive upstairs. Even down here people are starting to trickle in. More lights are on, printers are making noise, feet have come down off desks. Shit is getting serious. At least Goodfellas is still on. That Henry Hill is one traitorous bastard.

6:25 – I just saw a commercial for some sort of museum exhibit about Galileo and the Medici family. Also, work is pretty much wrapped up.

6:50 – The seven o’clock people are in now. Leaving.

All Star Team

The Phillies have been playing the Nationals this weekend, and it’s been going well. The Nationals are not a good team. I thought about how they could be better. First, they should accept that they’re not going to win this year, and actually let the younger players play. They never should have sent Milledge down, that was just idiotic. And now he has a broken hand. But then I started thinking about how cool it would be if someone could have Roy Hobbs play for them. That naturally led to me making an entire team of fictional movie baseball players. Way too much time and thought went into this:

Leading off and playing center field is Willie Mays Hayes, who’s just a pure leadoff hitter. He has great speed, both on the bases and in the outfield.

Batting second and playing third base is Benny the Jet Rodriguez. He’s pretty much the perfect choice to hit second, for his ability to move runners. If he was able to put a ball right into Smalls’ glove, he’ll be able to hit behind a runner or second, or take advantage of the hole that would open up with a first baseman holding Hayes. He also has a lot of speed, just look at that nickname, and will spend a lot of time on base.

Batting third is my shortstop, and possibly the best hitter on the team, Joe Hardy. If a guy sells his soul to the Devil for his ability, he better be great, and Hardy was, hitting over .500 in a stacked American League. Seriously, Satan-given talent, he’s good.

The cleanup hitter in this lineup was probably the easiest choice to make, right fielder Roy Hobbs. When he walks down the street people look up and say, “There goes Roy Hobbs, the best there ever was in this game.” You know you’re hearing the music in your head right now.

Protecting Hobbs in the lineup is another power hitter, first baseman Clue Haywood. Although he couldn’t lead the Yankees past the Indians for the pennant, he did hit for the Triple Crown. He’s an intimidating veteran presence in the lineup.

Batting sixth is the catcher, Crash Davis. I have issues with Bull Durham. Davis was a switch-hitting catcher with power from both sides of the plate. There’s no way he wouldn’t have had a major league career. It just doesn’t make sense.

For the seventh spot in the lineup, I’m shifting a natural centerfielder to left: Kelly Leak. Yeah, he’s young, but there’s a lot of upside here. I mean, he hit over .800 for the Bears. Plus, he has a Harley.

The eighth spot in this lineup, second baseman, was the hardest to fill. I ended up choosing Tanner Boyle, converting him from shortstop. He’s young, but really not all that good. Really, I see him as the David Eckstein of this team. He’s gritty, plays hard, and is hilariously offensive. I don’t know if that last part is true for Eckstein, but I like to think it is.

The ninth spot in the order is filled by the pitcher. If I’m making up a team, it’s a given there won’t be a DH. It’s un-American.

The ace of my pitching staff is Billy Chapel. If someone can throw a perfect game in his last career start, there’s something special there. Hall of Famer.

The second starter, the Sain to Chapel’s Spahn, is another Hall of Famer, Henry Wiggen. Also, it doesn’t hurt that he’s a pretty good guy.

The third spot in the rotation goes to another young player with a lot of upside, Nuke LaLoosh. Having Davis on this team will really help him reach his potential.

The fourth starter may be somewhat controversial, but is really just a winner, and deserves a spot on this team. Kit Keller may not have the ability of Nuke or some of the other starters, but she’s a competitor.

Rounding out the rotation is another veteran presence, Chet Steadman. He may not be The Rocket anymore, but he can still put batters away.

Closing for the team, which as I type this really needs a name, will be Rick Vaughn. His nickname is the Wild Thing, he needs to close. He even has a theme song!

Also in the bullpen are Henry Rowengardner, John Rhoades, Duke Temple, Jim Bowers, who in addition to being a good reliever is a great clubhouse presence, and Mel Clark, who hopefully will be just as good without Angels backing him up.

On the bench are Moonlight Graham (I broke my one rule about real people because I really wanted him on this team. He’s gotta play at some point.), Pedro Serrano, Marla Hooch, The Whammer, Jake Taylor, and Lou Collins.

Managing this team is another easy decision: Jimmy Dugan. I’m pretty sure this team is unbeatable.

Like I needed another reason not to like the Red Sox

So Manny Ramirez was suspended 50 games for testing positive for steroids. Let’s be honest, he was probably cheating in ’04 and ’07. Whatever. David Ortiz and Jason Varitek were almost definitely on steroids too. I don’t care. The Phillies still won in 2008. See:



Haven’t posted that in a really long time. Still great. Anyway, it was pretty fun to read Bill Simmons today. I’m pretty sure he spent most of today fighting back tears. But really, this isn’t a big deal, and Manny will still almost certainly get into the Hall of Fame eventually. But if they let in all these steroid users, and they’re going to have to, I really want to see Shoeless Joe and Pete Rose in there. Also, what the fuck, how is Jose Canseco never wrong about anything?

Lots of other things have been happening, but since I’m stuck in the middle of exams I feel like I’m missing everything. Some stuff is just too omnipresent to avoid.

Bristol Palin seems to be just as narcissistically attention-seeking as her mother, and is pretty much dominating the internet with her abstinence campaign. Yeah, good luck with that. I’m sure if they get Shawn Kemp on board they’ll really change some lives. Is she really being held up as a role model?

Somebody on TV said that Joe the Plumber was leaving the Republican Party. I don’t know if I’m more surprised that the GOP is still around or that Joe is. I won’t miss either.

Jon Edwards is in the news a lot now too, I guess because his wife’s book is being released. And his lady friend wants a DNA test for the kid. Yeah, this is something else that I just don’t care about.

Um, Kiefer Sutherland headbutted someone? That’s actually pretty cool. Sometimes people just need to be headbutted.

People still seem to care about Miss California. I still think the woman that won was hotter.

Mormon’s baptized President Obama’s mother after she died. That’s weird, but not a big deal. I can’t imagine that’s something that God is really gonna be bothered by.

Some people are pissed off that Michelle Obama wore shoes that cost more than five hundred dollars. Fuck that, she’s a millionaire, she can afford them, good for her.

Brett Favre isn’t going to play for the Vikings. At least that’s what he’s saying this week. Next week, who knows?

The Marlins keep losing, making instant-history ESPN hosts look even more like assholes. It’s a shame they couldn’t play all 162 games against the Nationals. I know it would never be ok, but I kinda wish MLB had relegation. The Nats are not a major league team.

Gary Bettman is fixing the NHL playoffs. You can’t convince me otherwise.

Seriously, Shoeless Joe Jackson needs to be in Cooperstown. Honestly, I kinda think that Roy Hobbs should be too.

Probably the best baseball movie that no one has heard of is Bleacher Bums, starring the brother from Everybody Loves Raymond. It’s basically just a group of people sitting in the bleachers at Wrigley making bets about the game. It’s incredible.

Solipsism is a pretty fun-sounding word.

Every time I ride the subway I think that might be the day I start my successful gypsy career.

I’m sick of hearing about Arlen Specter. He was fun for like twelve minutes. That ended.

I’m almost done with my first year of law school, I think that gives me a pretty good shot at being named to the Supreme Court.

President George W. Bush has been raising a ton of money for his Presidential Library. This only confirms that he probably is a really cool guy, just a terrible President.

I’m pretty sick of PETA. People need to leave Mike Vick alone. There are Superbowls to be won with him and Tim Tebow on the same team, on the field at the same time, co-running a double wildcat offense. It just sucks that Bill Belichik is going to be the only coach daring enough to give it a shot.

I recently finished Joe Morgan’s autobiography. It was awesome. He’s a terrible broadcaster, but a pretty cool guy. Some great stories in there, my favorite being that on the 83 Phils Gary Matthews would usually be taken out of the game around the seventh inning for a defensive replacement, because by that point in that game he was usually too hammered to play. Gotta love Sarge.

So yeah, there’s been a lot of news that I’ve barely been paying attention to, but I don’t feel like I’m missing much. Thumbs tomorrow, I promise.

First in War, First in Peace, Last in the NL East

So, uh, what’s going on down in D.C.? Is it possible that the Nationals are the worst run franchise in sports? With Matt Millen no longer involved in Detroit, and basketball not mattering enough to me for it to be considered, I think that this may be the case.

I guess a good place to start is with Jim Bowden, who served as their GM until he resigned this spring. Why did he resign? Well, it didn’t really have anything to do with him being just terrible at his job, even though he was, as shown by his failure to trade Soriano, and extensions of Dmitri Young and Ronnie Belliard. No, he resigned because he was being investigated by the fucking FBI. I swear that’s true. Allegedly he’s been skimming money off the top of signing bonuses paid to Latin American prospects.

But now that Bowden is gone there’s hope for the future, right? I mean, they’ve got some good young talent, maybe they can rebuild. Or, maybe not. They have the first pick in this summer’s draft, and would be crazy not to take Stephen Strasburg. But he’s a Boras client, and it will take a huge signing bonus to get him, possibly double what’s ever been paid before. Will the Nationals be willing to do that? They managed to not sign their first round pick from last year’s draft, so nothing is guaranteed.

And then there’s this business with Lastings Milledge. The Nationals don’t really have all that many players with any sort of a high ceiling. There’s Ryan Zimmerman at third, the face of the franchise who was just locked up with a five year contract extension. There’s Adam Dunn, who’s clearly not an up and coming player, but as their marquee free agent signing from this winter, and someone who actually doesn’t suck, who should be in the lineup every day. And there’s Lastings Milledge. He’s basically the only centerfielder on their roster, with a really quick bat and still a lot of potential. He started to put things together in the second half of last season, where he played pretty well. Then he started this season struggling a little, so the Nationals did what any poorly run, irrational franchise would do: they sent him down to the minors. Seriously. The Nationals aren’t going to contend this year, they don’t even have a realistic shot at fourth place in the division. So why not give Milledge at bats against major league pitchers to work his problems out? Demoting him makes no sense at all; it’s not good for him, and it’s not good for the team.

So with Milledge toiling away in the International League, that Nationals found themselves in need of a centerfielder. They decided to use the always entertaining, slightly unhinged Elijah Dukes in that role, even though he’s more of a corner outfielder. Well, at least that was their plan. But then Nationals’ manager Manny Acta benched Dukes for showing up like five minutes late to a pregame stretching session. Now, Dukes has had some issues with authority; you figure that if he was late because he was busy texting pictures of a gun to people whose lives he’s threatened, as he’s done before, then the benching might be merited. But he wasn’t. He was late because he was away at some community outreach event, signing autographs and speaking to little league players. Seriously. But in the National’s zero-tolerance, zero-common sense locker room, he was benched and fined $500. The baseball gods were clearly angered by this, as they smited his replacement, who broke his ankle while making a catch in that game. As for the fine, the little league, uh, league, is taking up a collection to pay it, not because Dukes needs the money, but more as a show of solidarity and to thank him and all sorts of things. And the worst part is that I have no doubt the Nationals will be willing to take their money.

Right now the Nats are 2-10, and seemingly incapable of even spelling their team name correctly on their uniforms. Don’t expect any sort of improvement soon.

Post-Easter Post

So lots of cool things have happened over the last couple of days, the most important of which is clearly the home run Matt Stairs hit to bring the Phillies to .500. It was majestic. But on to the other things.

The biggest story, in my eyes, at least, really just makes you think “America, fuck yeah!” When the Somali pirates captured an American ship, and took the captain hostage, you kinda figured they were getting in over their heads. I mean, it’s one thing to fuck with Danish or Panamanian ships; honestly, you can probably get away with that. But the US has a pretty badass navy, and a President who has to make known that he won’t put up with shit from anyone. So we sent in the Seals, and they kicked all sorts of ass. They rescued the captain, who’s pretty much fine, killed three of the pirates, and now we even have one under arrest who can stand trial. Additionally, it must be noted that the French also tried to rescue some hostages from pirates, but didn’t do nearly as well.

The pirates, understandably, aren’t taking this so well, and have issued some threats to both the French and Americans. This really isn’t the best course of action for them. If they were smart they would just take the beating they got and go back to preying on ships for Comoros or some other country that won’t fight back. The US and France will seriously fuck them up if they get too uppity. If they actually start killing Americans, they’re gonna have to deal with the wrath of the US navy, and their AK 47s really aren’t going to be able to compete with Tomahawk cruise missiles.

Speaking of the French, it’s important to note that they’re assholes. This has manifested itself most recently, and really fairly consistently over the last like twelve years, in their treatment of Lance Armstrong. They’ve dicked him around with bullshit allegations incessantly, and they’ve never been right; he has passed every drug test he’s taken. But now it’s possible that he won’t be able to compete in the Tour de France this summer, even though he’s racing to raise global awareness about cancer. Two things have been made clear by the actions these French assholes are taking. First, the French love cancer, probably as much as they love not showering. Also, they’re afraid of Armstrong. They know he won’t lose, and they don’t want to be one-upped by an American anymore. Let’s be honest, America has been doing things better than France since America first existed. We had a Revolution for democracy, and things went pretty well; the French tried to follow in our footsteps, and mostly just a lot of heads got lopped off, and the only decent French military mind since William the Conqueror ended up exiled in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Oh, and they went back to a monarchy. Later, America decided it wanted to fuck with Mexico, and we got a ton of land out of it. When the French tried to do the same, they actually lost, getting their asses handed to them at the Battle of Puebla. In the twentieth century, France is best known for getting steamrolled by Germany, twice (seriously, the Maginot line? Great plan, dickheads; Vauban would be terribly disappointed in all of you). America bailed them out each time. Now, America is a world power, and France is mostly just fading into irrelevancy; they’ve been passed as a power by a bunch of other European and Asian countries, their soccer team isn’t that good anymore, and the Eifel Tower isn’t really anything special. Pretty much all they have left is this bike race, and they’ve been trying to take it back after Lance Armstrong had made it his bitch for seven years; clearly they’re screwing around with Lance because their national pride is dependent on it. Well, fuck them, I hope he gets to race, cause you know if they let him in there’s no way he won’t win number eight.

So since the economy is shit, local governments are doing all sorts of crazy things to raise money. And it’s bullshit. Seriously, a streetlight user fee? That’s asinine. Streetlights are there to make streets safer. The purpose of a government is to protect its people. Really, the responsibility for this falls on the government. Stop sucking.

The Pope said Mass in the Coliseum on Good Friday, and spewed some nonsense about the world being a desert of godlessness. I ignored most of that. But this part was interesting. He said that there are “many societies in the world where women fail to receive a fair deal.” Um, would one of these societies maybe be the Church? You know, the one that won’t let women be priests. Maybe the Church should work on its own discrimination before criticizing anyone else. Benedict has been pretty clear in stating that he won’t permit women to be priests. It’s pretty much bullshit that there’s a sacrament that only men can receive (nuns don’t receive Holy Orders). How is that a fair deal? Maybe it’s not as overt as marrying your eight year old daughter off to some guy in his forties to settle some debts, but it isn’t not discrimination.

Finally, Woody Harrelson is the coolest.

Thoughts on Friday's baseball games

I’m home for Easter, so I got to pay a lot more attention to baseball games that the Phillies weren’t playing in. MLB Extra Innings is awesome.

The first game yesterday was the Rangers visiting the Tigers, with Kris Benson getting the start for Texas. Last year the Phillies brought Anna Benson’s husband to training camp, and then gave him a minor league contract, hoping he would be able to rehabilitate himself enough to be an effective starter for them, cause Adam Eaton sucked. Judging by this game, it’s a pretty good thing that didn’t work out. Detroit put up 15 runs, eight off of Benson. I’m thinking that with Kris Benson as their third starter, behind Kevin Millwood and Vicente Padilla (all three former Phillies), the Rangers aren’t going to have the pitching to contend in a really terrible division. They’re gonna end up losing a lot of 9-8 games.

The Cubs played Milwaukee in kinda a weird game. Rich Harden pitched really well, as he pretty much always does when he’s healthy, but only went six innings, turning things over to the bullpen. The Cubs’ best reliever is without a doubt Carlos Marmol, and their closer is Kevin Gregg. This setup seemed to work pretty well for the Cubs in the seventh inning; down by one (maybe two, I don’t remember), the Brewers sent Ryan Braun to the plate with the bases loaded. Marmol was able to get him to fly out to right. But then the Brewers got a shot at Gregg in the ninth inning, down by one, and with some poor work in the outfield by Soriano they tied the game, in undoubtedly the first of many blown saves by Gregg. Milwaukee went on to win on a walkoff either infield single or fielder’s choice; runners on the corners, one out, groundball to Theriot, he goes home instead of trying to turn two, but the runner is able to slide in safely.

The Blue Jays and the Orioles both won, beating the winless Indians and the Rays, respectively, to stay in first and second in the AL East. They, uh, won’t finish the year there, but I’m at least excited to see Toronto once they get Marcum and McGowan back next year.

The Twins beat the White Sox, with Joe Crede, weirdly accompanied by Air Supply, homering against his old team. Carlos Quentin homered in the loss, and managed not to break anything. Dumbass. The Diamondbacks beat the Dodgers, which I suppose may turn out to be important in September, but I can’t really get worked up about it now. The Padres beat the Giants, but the only interesting thing about that game was incredible catch Scort Hairston made, robbing one of the Molinas of a home run. The Mariners beat the A’s, but since neither King Felix or Brandon Morrow pitched, I don’t care.

The Mets lost, which is nice, but the Marlins won, which sucks. Hanley Ramirez and Dan Uggla both launched animalistic home runs into empty seats. Seriously, Marlins fans suck. They have a really good team, and it’s really just an amazingly well run franchise, with so much young talent, and there are just entire sections completely empty. Against a division rival. In the first week of the season! I think it’s about time this Miami experiment ended and the Marlins go somewhere else. A team in Las Vegas could be pretty cool.

The Cardinals beat the Astros, presumably moving Ed Wade a step closer to unemployment. Albert Pujols did some stuff, showing how good he is at baseball. Kelly Johnson had a walk off single as the fucking Braves beat the Nats in ten, but he still has a girl’s name.

The Yankees beat the Royals, with Teixeira getting on base three out of four times, making the assholes who wrote the “Money for Nothing” headline after the first game of the season look even more like, well, assholes. I’m convinced that the New York media is actually more unlikeable than the Yankees. So when can we start to consider Alex Gordon a bust?

Finally, the Angels beat the Red Sox in one of the saddest games since 2001. Really though, watching the game you knew there was no way the Angels were going to lose. Sarge Jr. made a nice catch, and walked twice, but doesn’t have nearly as many hats as his father, so there’s still work to be done. Also, Boston’s alternate caps, the dangling socks, are retarded.

Cole will be fine; he missed spring training.

Thumbs 5: Look Who's Thumbing Now

Thumbs Up: Baseball. It's back, and it's awesome. My Mets won, the Phils lost (and had a fantastic comeback against the Braves), the high school team I coached looked pretty respectable in their first-ever game, and I already scored free tickets to a luxury box and will be on the field for batting practice at a major league game later this month. Long live 'Merica's pastime!

Thumbs down:The Mets. This one is painful for me, but it's necessary. If we didn't all punch our loved ones in the jaw when they messed up, we wouldn't be grown-ups. Deadspin reported earlier this week that the Mets are ending their long-standing tradition of Little League Days. They used to allow little leaguersby the thousands into particular games at discounted rates and have a pre-game parade on the field. But with fewer seats at Citi Field, it just doesn't turn enough of a profit to be brought across the parking lot from the old stadium. For shame!

Thumbs Up: Levi Johnston. Over the summer I felt bad for this kid as he was essentially dragged around as a pawn by the McCain/Gimmick campaign. But over the last week or so, I’ve really come to respect him. He’s shown no fear or hesitation in going after the most powerful person in
his state, calling her out for being a heartless, blinded by ambition, disingenuous liar.

Thumbs Down: Texans. Well, not all Texans, but definitely these four. I don’t even know if I can express how terrible what they did was, and I don’t even especially like dogs. I can’t help but wish Mr. Luttrell had gotten a clean shot.

Thumbs Up: Having Good Friday Off. I've got a lot of things to gripe about at work (see below), but non-profits do days off right. The three day weekend's all the sweeter knowing that Cadbury Cream Eggs lie at the end of it.

Thumbs Down: Shared Cubicles. Working in a cubicle is miserable enough. When you share a cubicle with two other people, though, you spend your workday constantly looking over your shoulder to see if anyone has noticed that you're dicking around on the internet. I can't even get in a decent game of freecell, damnit! I'm also the furthest one from the window, which means that another person controls when and for how long I have access to the sun. That starts to mess with your head after a while.

Exchanging Lineups: The Deleted Scenes

Here are some potential verses from Exchanging Lineups that didn't make it into the final poem. It's not that they weren't good enough. Maybe they were too good? Again, some were written by Dick, some by me, and I have to think it's pretty obvious who wrote which.

B is for Bowa
An angry shortstop.
Gold with the glove
But his bat had no pop.

C is for Carlos
Panamanian backstop.
Upped his game in the Series
Now the Phils are on top.

C is for Coste
He can hit and can write.
Despite years in the minors
Never gave up the fight.

D is for Drew
A worthless little shit
If only his face
A thrown battery’d hit

D is for Dutch
Though he is crazy now.
Travel through time
And help Mitch out somehow.

E is for Edgardo
Alfonzo and fewest errors.
His play at second
Made the 99 Mets all the better.

E is for Eckstein
His hustle and grit.
Who cares if he won’t
come through with a hit.

E is for Eyre
A midseason pickup,
Retiring lefties
With hardly a hiccup.

H is for Howard
And of course home run too.
The strike outs don’t worry me,
Nor should they you.

J is for Jimmy,
Cocky but great.
“Team to beat” are the words
That Mets fans now hate

J is for Jayson
And the balls he hits far
I hope my mom lets him out
Of the trunk of her car.

K is for Kruk
And his wondrous mullet
Like Superman’s cape
You don’t want to pull it

L is for Lidge
On the mound, top nine.
Strike three to Hinske,
Even Buck's call was fine.

M is for Moyer,
The ageless wonder.
Looking for a fastball
Is quite a blunder.

N is for Nunez,
Wes Helms and Dave Bell.
A trio of third basemen
Straight from baseball Hell.

P is for Pat,
He led the parade.
Not even with time
Will that memory fade.

P is for Pedro
In the field always scrappy.
His single in the seventh
Made the whole city happy.

Q is for Queens
Not where the Mets play
But rather their fans
All of whom are gay.

V is the Vet,
Years ago knocked down.
Count on a riot
When the Mets were in town.

W is for Wright;
His name and his swing.
His game, all-in-all,
Is a beautiful thing.

W is for World Series
The Mets and Phils both have two.
Whose team gets the next one?
Me or You?

W is for Williams,
The Wild Thing, Mitch
If only he’d never
Been brought in to pitch.

Steve Phillips is not a smart guy

Steve Phillips used to be the General Manager of the New York Mets. During his tenure, the Mets actually played in a World Series. Still, he wasn’t a very good GM. He signed players like Mo Vaughn (after he stopped being good at baseball), Bobby Bonilla (after he stopped being good at baseball), Kenny Rogers (we all know how that went), and Rickey Henderson (when he was more crazy than good). He also didn’t do so well trading players. If you want to see a Mets fan’s head explode, just bring up Scott Kazmir for Victor Zambrano. He was eventually fired, years later than he should have been. With apologies to Bill Simmons, Steve Phillips probably belongs on the terrible GM Mount Rushmore. Well, now he’s got a job as an analyst on ESPN. He’s all over the place, showing up on Baseball Tonight, the occasional SportsCenter, random games throughout the week, and, starting this season, Sunday Night Baseball, making a broadcast that prominently features Joe Morgan even less enjoyable. He does not go a good job.

Yahoo’s Roto Arcarde brings to light this gem, which in turn was brought to my attention by Jon, that Phillips dropped during one of the games he was working this week. Phillips apparently doesn’t buy into any of the statistical analyses of defense. It doesn’t seem to matter to him that they’re gaining traction with front offices throughout the majors. No, they’re all wrong because they don’t value Jeter highly enough. In fact, most measures of defense seem to suggest that Jeter sucks defensively. And really, most non-Yankee fans, and even the rare reasonable Yankee fan, acknowledge that Jeter is not a good defensive shortstop. Seriously, just go to Baseball-Reference if you don’t believe me; he’s not good defensively. Sure, he puts up good numbers with respect to fielding percentage. He handles balls hit right at him without any real problems. But he can’t move to his left. He lets so many hits go up the middle that a competent shortstop would field. The Yankees know that at some point they’re going to have to move him to a different position, possibly center field, as soon as he lets them. So probably never.

But anyway, this isn’t about how bad Jeter is defensively. No, it’s about Steve Phillips, and how he’s dumb. So Phillips doesn’t buy into any of these measurements of defensive proficiency. Why? Because they’re critical of Jeter. Steve doesn’t see any limitations to Jeter’s range. Look, I know he has a handful of Gold Gloves. He doesn’t deserve them. He pretty much made a reputation for himself as a good defensive player by diving face first into a chair and that flip to home against the A’s. But he’s not good defensively. Seriously, just watch like two Yankee games. Or even watch some of the WBC games where he was killing America. Whatever. You’ll see he’s not good. Unless you’re Steve Phillips.

No, Phillips has made up his mind that Jeter is still great, and everything else is just nonsense. I don’t know how he’s come to this conclusion, but that’s his stance. Here’s what he had to say about these statistics: "Because the statistics don't match what my eyes say, it makes me mistrust the veracity of the system." Maybe the problem is actually with his judgment. I mean, there’s got to be a reason no one else has hired him, while even Dusty Baker still gets job offers.

Exchanging Lineups

A is for Ashburn
Whom I never saw play,
But loved on the radio
Joining Harry’s play by play.

B is for Brogna
My childhood hero.
Probably explains
Why I'm still such a zero.

C is for Cole,
Carlton reborn.
Two lefties leaving
The batter forlorn.

D is for Dallas Green
Played for both; K'ed nary a hitter.
Didn't stop there - -
For both, became a Skipper.

E is for Eisenreich
A rightfielder with pluck.
Had a powerful arm
And shit, bitch, ass, fuck!

F is for Franco
The first New York captain.
Fuck Derek Jeter
And the Yanks while we're at it.

G is for Gary,
Sarge and his hat.
Equally good
With a mic or a bat.

H is for HoJo
And the '86 Series.
Waiting to get back there
Is making me weary.

I is for Inky
And his mighty swing.
Joe Carter sure robbed him
Of that World Series Ring.

J is for John Olerud
Hit for the cycle - - how you like that?
They say that his swing
Was as hard as his hat.

K is for Kalas
The voice of the Phils.
His call of Game 5
Provides nothing but chills.

L is for Losingest
The very first season set the mark.
Even still, rooting for the Mets
Takes a lot of heart.

M is for Moyer,
The ageless wonder.
Looking for a fastball
Is quite a blunder.

N is for no No-Nos.
Bleeders, bloops, and frozen ropes,
Teams always hit at least one,
And I'm starting to lose hope.

O is for Owens
And Pat Gillick too.
To each man fans owe
A heartfelt “Thank you.”

P is for Piazza;
Most dingers ever for a 2.
Still wish Mike speared Clemens
With the broken bat he threw.

Q is for quaint,
Which the Vet never was.
But the roar from the top
Would give visitors pause.

R is for Rich,
As Lenny’s become;
Steroids or cash,
He has quite the sum.

S is for Stocker
His career peaked in ’93.
But I still have his rookie card,
It’s mint condition. Fuck me.

T is for Tug
A Phil and a Met.
Ya gotta believe
He’d be a safe bet.

U is for Utley,
World Fucking Champ.
Is an MVP next
For this loveable scamp?

V is for Valentine
And his Eye Black mustache.
Said Sayonara for Japan
And now is swimming in cash.

W is for Williams,
The Wild Thing, Mitch.
If only he’d never
Been brought in to pitch.

X is for Xavier
A short-lived, but great Met.
Brought a tear to my eye
When they sent him to Pitt.

Y is for Youth
Much of mine I passed
Watching the Phils
Struggle in last.

Z is for Zambrano,
Not the good one, but Victor.
Fuck you, Steve Phillips.



Dick and I wrote this, inspired by this Ogden Nash Poem. I wrote the first letter, and from there we alternated. We're both better at poetry than Winston. Baseball starts soon. Get excited.

Sunday Night Baseball

I was all set to write about this Barack Obama, Special Olympics thing that’s been going on. I was several paragraphs in, and it was really good. But I had to stop writing it. Something even more retarded was happening. United States vs. Japan, WBC semifinals. It was on ESPN. Jon Miller was calling the game. Joining him in the box? Joe Morgan and Steve Phillips, baseball's answer to Matt Millen and Mike Millbury. Get excited, everyone.

Derek Jeter is playing short. I understand why the Yankees do it: they don’t have anyone better. But Jeter is the third best defensive shortstop on this team, at least. Mark DeRosa is better defensively than Jeter, and he’s playing first. I’m pretty sure Evan Longoria played short in college, and he’s on the bench. But worst of all, Jimmy Rollins, gold glove shortstop, is DHing! If they really feel the need to play the Captain, why not have him DH, and let Jimmy play defense. He can go left.

Here are some things that Joe Morgan and Steve Phillips have said:
* Team USA is going to win because they’re mentally tough. Also, Roy Oswalt, the starting pitcher, added as an afterthought.
* Bottom 1st, 2-0 count, did they just cut Joe Morgan’s mic? I really think they did.
* Joe Morgan is talking about middle infielders being able to play other positions. I love it. Stick to what you know.
* Joe is comparing Adam Dunn to Ted Williams. VORPies everywhere are rejoicing.
* I’ve blocked them out at this point. It’s good to be back in midseason form.

I should respond to Gerber’s post the other day about David Wright. I’ll give him credit for playing hurt, he’s American hero, and seeing him knock in Jimmy was harmonious. In two weeks he’ll go back to being a fascist pederast.

McDonalds is advertising on Japan’s batting helmets. Seriously.

Top 3, Jeter grounds up the middle, Japanese shortstop goes to his left, throws Jeter out, making the captain jealous.

Fukodome really isn’t a good defensive center fielder: misplaying the Wright double off the wall and the Jimmy single in the first. Him being an all-star last year was a joke.

Bottom three: really nice play by Wright fielding a bunt, Scott Rolen esque. No joke, it was just really nice. Cue text from Dick: “somebody suck David Wright’s dick right now!” Oh, and then he throws the next ball into right field. He must have been distracted.

“Slidepiece” – Steve Philips, bottom 4. That means it’s baseball season.

America is losing, though they could have had a much better team. Real Team USA lineup, cause I’m bored:
Rollins – SS
Wright – 3B
Utley – 2B
Teixeira – 1B
Braun – LF
McCann - C
Sizemore – CF
Markakis – RF
Rotation of Hamels, Halladay, Sabathia, and Lincecum, with Lidge, Nathan, and Papelbon in the bullpen. Iannetta, BJ Upton, Mark DeRosa, Evan Longoria, and Josh Hamilton on the bench. Charlie Manuel managing.

JRoll works a walk top five, after being down 0-2. He’s an American hero, 2-2 with a walk. Right after that, David Wright strikes out looking, proving once again that he hates America. When asked for comment after the game he was unable to speak, seeing as how he was choking.

Wrigley Field was built for a Federal League team. Just saying. Also, I’m looking into reports that dinosaurs were actually made up by the CIA to discourage time travel. Carl Everett hasn’t disagreed with this.

I pay much better attention when the team I’m cheering for is winning. America winning: riveted. America down, but threatening: watching, but with music playing. America down, Japan batting: game on in the background, reading about Tamerlane.

No Met has ever thrown a no-hitter. I’m terrified that will change this year. Ed Wade is still in charge down in Houston, the Astros will probably be no hit a couple times this year. But he’ll probably also trade Roy Oswalt to the Phils for Travis D’Arnaud and a veteran middle reliever.

How many HRs would Sadaharu Oh have hit over here? 500? Fewer than that?
Matsui averaged a homer every 16.58 at bats in Japan, and one every 25.82 over here, for whatever that’s worth. I mean, you still have to factor in things like his natural decline with age. Bill James should tackle this, not me.

Actually, after looking, someone did. This guy says 527. I think that may be high, especially considering he would have started his career in the 60s, when pitchers were just steamrolling. But since this guy did math, I’ll defer to him.

Jimmy, top seven, stand up triple. 3-3, BB. ‘Merica. Stranded as Wright goes down swinging on a 55 foot pitch. If Al Qaeda had a flag (assuming they don’t) it would be blue and orange.

Joe thinks the US should bring in some minor league pitchers. I’m not here to disagree with him. I say we should have gotten Stephen Strasburg into this tournament, and just unleashed him. He’s clearly heads and shoulders above the competition he’s facing at SDSU, and I really want to see him. Triple digit velocity, he’s gonna tear shit up in the pros. Barring Mark Prior Dusty Baker stuff.

Bottom 8, runner on third, two out, ground ball in the hole to short, Jeter fields it, throws high and wide, runner safe, run scores, three run deficit. Now things are really falling apart, it’s 9-4, but most importantly, all Jeter’s fault. He’ll be leading of the top of the ninth.

And we’re back. Yu Darvish on the mound, Jeter at the plate. Yikes. 6-3. One out. Darvish has a weird delivery. Not Nomo weird, but there’s an interesting little hesitation there, or something. He’s young, too. I wonder how much the Yankees and Red Sox are gonna offer up as posting fees. Jimmy got another hit. 4 for 4. As Jon Miller said, “Jimmy Rollins has played like a World Fucking Champion tonight.” I may not have gotten that quote exactly right. Wright struck out though. That’s his third strikeout. KKK? I don’t think that David Wright has ever denied being a member. Something to consider. And Adam Dunn makes the last out, crushing American hopes. Where is baseball’s Mike Eruzione?

Finally, because I wrote it already, and I would hate for it to go to waste, here’s something I had to say about this whole Special Olympics thing: And now they want Obama to hire a Special Olympics athlete to work in the White House. Wasn’t eight years of Bush enough for them? Suck it, Jay Leno.

Thumbs 2: Thumb Harder

Thumbs Up – The Netherlands. The Sidney Ponson-led baseball juggernaut knocked the Dominican Republic out of the World Baseball Classic, and managed to make Jose Reyes look like a bitch in the process. At least the choking was condensed to one game here, rather than the entire month of September.

Thumbs Down – Davey Johnson, manager of Team USA in the WBC. For some reason, Johnson keeps giving Derek Jeter playing time over Jimmy Rollins. This bothers me not only as a Phillies fan, but also as an American. Rollins is great defensively, Jeter can't go to his left. Jimmy can run, and hit for both power and average; Jeter is declining asa batter. Team USA is better with Rollins on the field.

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Thumbs Up- Spring Break. I teach for a living, and after any given week I'm ready for a week off. When I finally get that week off (as I will starting after school on Friday) it's heavenly. And this particular one is especially so as it features St. Paddy's day and the start of the NCAA Tourney. It doesn't get much better than that.

Thumbs Down- The week before Spring Break. Holy hell. If my kids are usually shit heads, then they are like shit heads on crack this week. This happens every time (the week before Christmas break was the longest week of my life)! I stood in disbelief while a 16 year-old stormed out of my classroom screaming "You got me fucked up!" because I told her to wait 5 minutes before I let her go to the bathroom. Aren't kids adorable?

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Thumbs Up – www.sporcle.com. Far and away one of the best ways to kill an afternoon on the internet. Sporcle caters to the quizmaster within us all, challenging its viewers to name all of the elements on the periodic table or World Series Champions in sequential order. The categories vary from Movies to Geography to History; there really is something for everyone. So sit down by yourself or with a group of your friends (like most things in life, Sporcle makes for an excellent drinking game) and try to name all of Batman’s nemeses. Just don’t let your teacher or your boss catch you.

Thumbs Down – Dunking. I know that dunking is one of the cornerstones of this great country of ours and that all Americans are entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of mad air, but there’s a time and a place for it. Stories of premature dunking and the heartbreak they cause are rampant this week. St. Mary's was down 2-0 before the tip off against Gonzaga after a technical foul for dunking in warm ups. Even worse is this story where Harlem’s boys basketball team travelled 168 miles just to forfeit a game after one of their players broke the backboard with a pregame dunk. The coach basically told his kids, “I know it’s against the rules, but everyone else is doing it so go crazy. What’s the worst that could happen?” Turns out the forfeit of a division game and a quick trip to the loser’s bracket is the worst that could happen. I hope you feel real smart.

Oh man, it's almost time for baseball

Seriously everyone, baseball starts soon. Real baseball, not the WBC, not grapefruit and cactus leagues, not A-Rod or Clemens or McNamee, the good kind of baseball. Baseball is really cool, and has been for more than a century. During that time people have been saying cool things about baseball. I’ve put together a list of my 26 favorite non-Yogi Berra quotes. Why 26? If you’re reading this you already know the answer to that.

26. The whole history of baseball has the quality of mythology – Bernard Malamud

25. Bob Gibson is the luckiest pitcher in baseball. He is always pitching when the other team doesn’t score any runs. – Tim McCarver, back before he became unbearable

24. The screwball's an unnatural pitch. Nature never intended a man to turn his hand like that throwing rocks at a bear. – Carl Hubbell. This quote is doubly important, because it underscores the threat that bears represent.

23. He (Darryl Strawberry) is not a dog; a dog is loyal and runs after balls. – Tommy Lasorda. Fuck the Mets. All of them, ever, except for Tug and the Dude. But yeah, fuck the rest of them.

22. No matter what I talk about, I always get back to baseball. – Connie Mack. Yeah, me too.

21. Some of these guys wear beards to make them look intimidating, but they don't look so tough when they have to deliver the ball. Their abilities and their attitudes don't back up their beards. – Don Drysdale. The last sentence there just seemed absurd.

20. Every day is a new opportunity. You can build on yesterday's success or put its failures behind and start over again. That's the way life is, with a new game every day, and that's the way baseball is. – Bob Feller. Kinda uplifting.

19. When I began playing the game, baseball was about as gentlemanly as a kick in the crotch. – Ty Cobb. How angry would Ty Cobb have been if he had played in the 80s and was just snorting mountains of coke all the time?

18. It's such a beautiful sport, with no politics involved, no color, no class. Only as a youngster can you play and as a pro can you win. The game has kept me young, involved and excited and for me to be up here with gems of baseball – Jack Buck. So much better than Joe Buck.

17. Washington – first in war, first in peace, last in the American League. – Charles Dryden. Classic.

16. If they worked as hard at their jobs as I do at mine, this country wouldn’t have the inflation problem it has now. - Mike Marshall, on booing fans.

15. I like radio better than television because if you make a mistake on radio, they don't know. You can make up anything on the radio. – Phil Rizzuto. He was a cool guy.

14. The kid doesn't chew tobacco, smoke, drink, curse or chase broads. I don't see how he can possible make it. – Richie Ashburn. Also a cool guy.

13. People ask me what I do in winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring. ~Rogers Hornsby. Also, he tries to make Tom Hanks cry.

12. I think I was the best baseball player I ever saw. – Willie Mays. I love the ego here. I also love that it’s probably true.

11. Anybody who's ever had the privilege of seeing me play knows that I am the greatest pitcher in the world. – Dizzy Dean. Again, pure ego. Less true though, unless he said this in 1934, cause that year he probably was the best pitcher in the world. Except for Satchell Paige.

10. Since 1946, the Cubs have had two problems: They put too few runs on the scoreboard and the other guys put too many. So what is new management improving? The scoreboard. – George Will. I don’t care if it makes me a bad person, I love that the Cubs have sucked for so long.

9. Baseball becomes dull only to those with dull minds. Today’s game is always different from yesterday’s game. – Red Smith. Seriously, baseball is so cool.

8. Ninety percent I’ll probably spend on good times, women, and Irish whiskey. The other ten percent I’ll probably waste. – Tug McGraw. Yeah.

7. I remember one time going out to the mound to talk with Bob Gibson. He told me to get back behind the batter, that the only thing I knew about pitching was it was hard to hit. – Tim McCarver. I love Tim McCarver being put in his place.

6. Sure, I screwed up that sacrifice bunt, but look at it this way: I’m a better bunter than a billion Chinese. Those poor suckers can’t bunt at all. – John Lowenstein. But seriously, if you’re in the majors you need to be able to bunt. Come on.

5. In the end it all comes down to talent. You can talk all you want about intangibles, I just don't know what that means. Talent makes winners, not intangibles. Can nice guys win? Sure, nice guys can win - if they're nice guys with a lot of talent. Nice guys with a little talent finish fourth and nice guys with no talent finish last. – Sandy Koufax. But what about David Eckstein?

4. It is the sport that a foreigner is least likely to take to. You have to grow up playing it, you have to accept the lore of the bubble-gum card, and believe that if the answer to the Mays-Snider-Mantle question is found, then the universe will be a simpler and more ordered place. – David Halberstam. ‘Merica.

3. He was thrown out trying to steal second; his head was full of larceny but his feet were honest. - Arthur “Bugs” Baer. I just love this one. It makes me laugh every time I see or hear it.

2. You always get a special kick on opening day, no matter how many you go through. You look forward to it like a birthday party when you're a kid. You think something wonderful is going to happen. – Joe DiMaggio. I can’t wait.

1. Yeah: