Thumbs: The Beginning

Thumbs Up – Thumbs. It’s such a good concept when done right. Basically all that’s required is a short paragraph explaining why something is awesome or something sucks. Most of the time I struggle to write more than a paragraph about something, so this is pretty much the perfect format for me.

Thumbs Down – Loyola Greyhound’s execution of Thumbs. Freshman year of college, Thumbs was one of the biggest drawing points of the Greyhound, usually read right after the police blotter. In the years since, it has gone drastically downhill. Anonymity of the writers, vapid subjects, and moral crusading have all contributed to Thumbs’ position as just another article to be ignored. I think we can do it better here.

Thumbs Up – Michael Cera. Talks have again picked up about an Arrested Development movie after Michael Cera has finally signed on, presumably having been reminded of what made him famous and where his bread was buttered in the first place. There's no way that this movie could possibly be a bad idea.

Thumbs Down – John Hodgman. Dude lambasted the word "meh" on Twitter (bonus thumbs down to twitter which need not be elaborated upon) saying it was "the essence of blinkered Internet malcontentism. And a rejection of joy." And what do I have to say about John Hodgman waxing etymologic? Meh.

Thumbs Up – Snow in March. Our West Coast readers (Hah!) might not appreciate this one, but I can’t think of a better way to start a month than with a snow day, a rare occasion after graduation. I’ll take a morning of shoveling over eight hours in a cubicle any day.

Thumbs Down – Comedy Central’s Roast of Larry the Cable Guy. Remember when you had to be a respected and successful comedian over the course of a lifetime to deserve the honor of a roasting by your peers? You do? Would you please write a letter to Comedy Central then? Roasts have consistently gone downhill since the transformation from “The Friars Club Roast…” to “The Comedy Central Roast…” Jerry Stiller deserves a roast. One could even make an argument for Jeff Foxworthy, but Larry the Cable Guy’s only claim to fame is an appeal to a niche audience of rednecks and stupid people and a couple of wretched movies.

Back to work

Sorry I haven't been posting, but as alluded to by Gimpy I was busy wasting time during my first weekend of this week (which happened on Tuesday and Wednesday thanks to the wonder of snow and the absence of anything resembling a snow plow in the Lou). However, I was forced back to work today (the humanity!) and had to relay one of the greatest things I have ever seen on Wikipedia.

One of my students told me to google something called a Hypercane. He didn't know how to spell it, he didn't really know what it was. All he could say was I saw something about it on the Discovery channel and you have to see it.

Here's essentially what it is: simultaneously the last thing you ever want to witness first hand and the coolest fuckin' thing you have ever seen.

As the name suggests, it's a gigantic hurricane, in theory at least. It would result from the superheating of the ocean (it would have to be 122 degrees Fahrenheit or 59 degrees hotter than the highest recorded ocean temp ever recorded). This could really only happen from a massive meteor of asteroid crashing into the ocean (in fact, there's a theory that it was hypercanes that resulted from an asteroid that really did in the dinosaurs).

I know precious little about the science of hurricanes, but here are the basic specs on a theoretical hypercane (all of which make me want to curl up in the fetal position and suck on my thumb):

-Wind speeds of over 500 mph (the strongest recorded reading is 195 mph)

-"A tremendous lifespan"

-One hypercane could likely be the size of North America

-It would create storm surges washing immeasureable gallons of water onto the shore from the ocean, absolutely drowning the coastline

-It would decimate the ozone layer resulting in lethal levels of UV rays reaching the Earth's surface

-And just in case one Hypercane doesn't do it for you...the oceans would stay hot for weeks allowing for many more hypercanes to form!

Now, to be fair, this is only some people's belief. Other scientists think those ocean conditions would merely create a storm 10 miles in diameter. The only problem is that that storm would be much more like a tornado, and the biggest tornado ever seen is only 2.5 miles wide. Gulp.

So, that was pretty pointless, but writing about the end of the world can't be all bad...

Sex-linked traits

School got canceled due to an overnight storm of freezing rain. I was under the impression that my sordid and unbalanced relationship with snow days would relent after having received a college degree, but last night I employed every superstitious trick I'm aware of to try and will this snow day. It was probably my 1/64 Blackfoot heritage that allowed my inside-out underwear slumbering snow dance to succeed.

But, long story short, I'm home for the day with very little to do and no one to make bad decisions with. So I'm watching Comedy Central. And I'm upset for women everywhere because I still haven't come across a female comic that I find remotely as funny as her male peers. Never. Not ever. And if I did chuckle at a joke from a comedienne, I was grading on a curve.

I like to think that I keep my misogyny quiet, but I can't explain this one away. Amidst my ennui, though, I think I can somewhat rationalize this. As far as I'm aware, all female comics who find their way on to a network comedy special are over or near the age of 35 and either never married or recently divorced. The only other group of people that are this homogeneous are illiterate West Virginians.

It's pretty remarkable when you think about it. And herein lies why my TV is currently muted. There is a quiet desperation in every joke, as if even the time it took to tell the joke was a precious waste of her depleting estrogen and deteriorating ova; a self-effacing humor that more often elicits the sort of uncomfortable laugh you might produce if a man without a left arm repeatedly made jokes about being "all right."

But then again it might just be that men are smarter. That's always a possibility.