Commencement Address for Graduating Education Majors

The following was inspired by the commencement address on Deadspin today.

Good evening to you all, and first, a heart-felt congratulations to all of you here today. You are about to set out on a remarkable journey beset by challenges and filled with triumphs. I am envious of the experiences that lay ahead of you. In a way.

You have asked me here tonight to perhaps bestow some of my wisdom upon. I will gladly oblige. After all, you are all education majors (what are the odds?!) and have therefore publicly demonstrated your penchant for making terrible life decisions.

I mean come on, people! The only major more worthless than Education is Communication; you are in rarefied air of stupidity.

The best teachers in the world have not taken the most education classes; they've taught the most classes. Be honest: how many times in the past four years have you pretended you couldn't read in order to better learn how to read? A dozen? More? Do you think you learned anything from that other than how to act like you can't read? That will help you guide the futures of tomorrow's leaders.

I don't care how many times you've read Harry Wong, there is no procedure for when a kid shits on the floor. And if you want to be taken seriously, stop taking your best advice from a guy named Wong.

So, without further ado, allow me to give you some life lessons about teaching I have learned in only a year.

Your students will not appreciate what you do. During the Magic/Celtics game tonight, they showed a clip of a player speaking at a local middle school about the dangers of smoking. You'd think the little shitheads would at least be excited about being out of class. Then, a mascot did a trampoline dunk in their gym, and no one fucking clapped. Not one of those future homeless bastards clapped.

There is no better metaphor for your upcoming career.

If you teach 8th grade, don't. 8th graders are evil incarnate. They don't give a shit about anybody, but themselves. This wouldn't be a problem unto itself, except for the clusterfuck of hormones accompanying their solipsism. I hated my own blood when they were this age, I in no way would voluntarily subject myself to someone else's failed abortion in this miserable period.

There's only one solution to this. If you're a male teacher, get a vasectomy so you don't perpetuate the problem. If you're a female, sell your eggs; you'll need the cash anyway.

Do not bring your work home. See if you can follow this logic: your kids don't do their homework, why should you have to?

Mind the German factory system. The American public education schedule was established using the German factory work day as a model. In the winter, I was always in school before the sun rose and my own apathy to my job and affection for my couch was all that got me out of that decaying building before sundown.

Summer is a sacred observance. Remember how ecstatic you were at the first day of summer? The sun always shined on the last day. Someone always had a pool party and ordered pizza, no matter how old you were. You realized you could sleep in the next day, play baseball in the afternoon, and not treat a relative stranger as a parent for the better part of the day.

Now take that feeling, multiply it by a hundred, pop a Vicodin, and get a blow job from a mail-order bride and that's almost as great as the first day of summer feels when you're a teacher.

Parents are the enemy. Know it now: you are always wrong. If a student calls you a fuckin' faggot on his way out of your room while he kicks the glass pane out of your door punches a whole in the wall, you better not have the audacity to call his mother. For if you do, she will storm into your classroom and reach deep down into your soul to tell you exactly why you don't get it and where your parents went wrong in raising you. And it will probably happen while the class in front of you has gotten quiet for the first time all week. Just know it now, it will make it easier to swallow.

Conflicting standards. I told my students they needed pencils in my class. They grumbled that they couldn't afford them. Then they all pulled out their Sidekicks and Blackberries and texted their parents that they needed pencils. The brain fragments from my exploding head did not please the front row of students.

Teachers are at school more than you ever thought. I am on contract to be in our school building 20 days longer than the students. That's almost 3 weeks. That's a lot. That's a fuckload of time "teaching" without having anyone to teach. And the usually happen on Fridays. God forbid anybody get a 3 day weekend.

Worse yet, these days are populated by the same meeting in repetition. These Groundhog Days, these Sisyphean nightmares are all the same. You have a faculty meeting in the morning where all of the fatasses on your faculty have assembled a cardiac arrest spread with every sugary breakfast nugget and diabetes-inducing liquid they could find. Your principal starts off the meeting by praising you for your effort, then tells you what they're going to try to do to make sure the 20 person brawl that happened yesterday won't happen again. You'll recognize immediately that their suggested plan will do nothing, and you'll zone out.

Your body carries itself off of the cafeteria bench you've been occupying for the last two hours by the influence of the others moving around you, and only your physical motion pulls you out of your trance. You retreat to your classroom, counting down the hours until it's acceptable to disappear for a short while for lunch. You saunter about the school searching for coffee, quietly so as not to draw attention to yourself, but quickly because it's harder for an administrator to hit a moving target with bureaucratic bullshit.

You return from lunch and doctor the sign out sheet so it looks like you were only gone for a half hour. You turn off the lights in your room when you get back. When you're found there you'll claim it's because you prefer daylight. Really you don't want to be found.

When you finally can, years later, leave the school that day, you'll find the happy hour nearest your house and get loaded, pausing briefly to eat and stopping fully at 10pm, when your used-to-rising-at-6am-body decides it doesn't want to play anymore and shuts down for the night.

For you are a teacher, and that is what you have chosen. And you'll start the whole thing over again on Monday. Why? Because you hate yourself.

Enjoy your upcoming careers. You've made a fulfilling choice.

Post-Easter Post

So lots of cool things have happened over the last couple of days, the most important of which is clearly the home run Matt Stairs hit to bring the Phillies to .500. It was majestic. But on to the other things.

The biggest story, in my eyes, at least, really just makes you think “America, fuck yeah!” When the Somali pirates captured an American ship, and took the captain hostage, you kinda figured they were getting in over their heads. I mean, it’s one thing to fuck with Danish or Panamanian ships; honestly, you can probably get away with that. But the US has a pretty badass navy, and a President who has to make known that he won’t put up with shit from anyone. So we sent in the Seals, and they kicked all sorts of ass. They rescued the captain, who’s pretty much fine, killed three of the pirates, and now we even have one under arrest who can stand trial. Additionally, it must be noted that the French also tried to rescue some hostages from pirates, but didn’t do nearly as well.

The pirates, understandably, aren’t taking this so well, and have issued some threats to both the French and Americans. This really isn’t the best course of action for them. If they were smart they would just take the beating they got and go back to preying on ships for Comoros or some other country that won’t fight back. The US and France will seriously fuck them up if they get too uppity. If they actually start killing Americans, they’re gonna have to deal with the wrath of the US navy, and their AK 47s really aren’t going to be able to compete with Tomahawk cruise missiles.

Speaking of the French, it’s important to note that they’re assholes. This has manifested itself most recently, and really fairly consistently over the last like twelve years, in their treatment of Lance Armstrong. They’ve dicked him around with bullshit allegations incessantly, and they’ve never been right; he has passed every drug test he’s taken. But now it’s possible that he won’t be able to compete in the Tour de France this summer, even though he’s racing to raise global awareness about cancer. Two things have been made clear by the actions these French assholes are taking. First, the French love cancer, probably as much as they love not showering. Also, they’re afraid of Armstrong. They know he won’t lose, and they don’t want to be one-upped by an American anymore. Let’s be honest, America has been doing things better than France since America first existed. We had a Revolution for democracy, and things went pretty well; the French tried to follow in our footsteps, and mostly just a lot of heads got lopped off, and the only decent French military mind since William the Conqueror ended up exiled in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Oh, and they went back to a monarchy. Later, America decided it wanted to fuck with Mexico, and we got a ton of land out of it. When the French tried to do the same, they actually lost, getting their asses handed to them at the Battle of Puebla. In the twentieth century, France is best known for getting steamrolled by Germany, twice (seriously, the Maginot line? Great plan, dickheads; Vauban would be terribly disappointed in all of you). America bailed them out each time. Now, America is a world power, and France is mostly just fading into irrelevancy; they’ve been passed as a power by a bunch of other European and Asian countries, their soccer team isn’t that good anymore, and the Eifel Tower isn’t really anything special. Pretty much all they have left is this bike race, and they’ve been trying to take it back after Lance Armstrong had made it his bitch for seven years; clearly they’re screwing around with Lance because their national pride is dependent on it. Well, fuck them, I hope he gets to race, cause you know if they let him in there’s no way he won’t win number eight.

So since the economy is shit, local governments are doing all sorts of crazy things to raise money. And it’s bullshit. Seriously, a streetlight user fee? That’s asinine. Streetlights are there to make streets safer. The purpose of a government is to protect its people. Really, the responsibility for this falls on the government. Stop sucking.

The Pope said Mass in the Coliseum on Good Friday, and spewed some nonsense about the world being a desert of godlessness. I ignored most of that. But this part was interesting. He said that there are “many societies in the world where women fail to receive a fair deal.” Um, would one of these societies maybe be the Church? You know, the one that won’t let women be priests. Maybe the Church should work on its own discrimination before criticizing anyone else. Benedict has been pretty clear in stating that he won’t permit women to be priests. It’s pretty much bullshit that there’s a sacrament that only men can receive (nuns don’t receive Holy Orders). How is that a fair deal? Maybe it’s not as overt as marrying your eight year old daughter off to some guy in his forties to settle some debts, but it isn’t not discrimination.

Finally, Woody Harrelson is the coolest.

Sunday Night Baseball

I was all set to write about this Barack Obama, Special Olympics thing that’s been going on. I was several paragraphs in, and it was really good. But I had to stop writing it. Something even more retarded was happening. United States vs. Japan, WBC semifinals. It was on ESPN. Jon Miller was calling the game. Joining him in the box? Joe Morgan and Steve Phillips, baseball's answer to Matt Millen and Mike Millbury. Get excited, everyone.

Derek Jeter is playing short. I understand why the Yankees do it: they don’t have anyone better. But Jeter is the third best defensive shortstop on this team, at least. Mark DeRosa is better defensively than Jeter, and he’s playing first. I’m pretty sure Evan Longoria played short in college, and he’s on the bench. But worst of all, Jimmy Rollins, gold glove shortstop, is DHing! If they really feel the need to play the Captain, why not have him DH, and let Jimmy play defense. He can go left.

Here are some things that Joe Morgan and Steve Phillips have said:
* Team USA is going to win because they’re mentally tough. Also, Roy Oswalt, the starting pitcher, added as an afterthought.
* Bottom 1st, 2-0 count, did they just cut Joe Morgan’s mic? I really think they did.
* Joe Morgan is talking about middle infielders being able to play other positions. I love it. Stick to what you know.
* Joe is comparing Adam Dunn to Ted Williams. VORPies everywhere are rejoicing.
* I’ve blocked them out at this point. It’s good to be back in midseason form.

I should respond to Gerber’s post the other day about David Wright. I’ll give him credit for playing hurt, he’s American hero, and seeing him knock in Jimmy was harmonious. In two weeks he’ll go back to being a fascist pederast.

McDonalds is advertising on Japan’s batting helmets. Seriously.

Top 3, Jeter grounds up the middle, Japanese shortstop goes to his left, throws Jeter out, making the captain jealous.

Fukodome really isn’t a good defensive center fielder: misplaying the Wright double off the wall and the Jimmy single in the first. Him being an all-star last year was a joke.

Bottom three: really nice play by Wright fielding a bunt, Scott Rolen esque. No joke, it was just really nice. Cue text from Dick: “somebody suck David Wright’s dick right now!” Oh, and then he throws the next ball into right field. He must have been distracted.

“Slidepiece” – Steve Philips, bottom 4. That means it’s baseball season.

America is losing, though they could have had a much better team. Real Team USA lineup, cause I’m bored:
Rollins – SS
Wright – 3B
Utley – 2B
Teixeira – 1B
Braun – LF
McCann - C
Sizemore – CF
Markakis – RF
Rotation of Hamels, Halladay, Sabathia, and Lincecum, with Lidge, Nathan, and Papelbon in the bullpen. Iannetta, BJ Upton, Mark DeRosa, Evan Longoria, and Josh Hamilton on the bench. Charlie Manuel managing.

JRoll works a walk top five, after being down 0-2. He’s an American hero, 2-2 with a walk. Right after that, David Wright strikes out looking, proving once again that he hates America. When asked for comment after the game he was unable to speak, seeing as how he was choking.

Wrigley Field was built for a Federal League team. Just saying. Also, I’m looking into reports that dinosaurs were actually made up by the CIA to discourage time travel. Carl Everett hasn’t disagreed with this.

I pay much better attention when the team I’m cheering for is winning. America winning: riveted. America down, but threatening: watching, but with music playing. America down, Japan batting: game on in the background, reading about Tamerlane.

No Met has ever thrown a no-hitter. I’m terrified that will change this year. Ed Wade is still in charge down in Houston, the Astros will probably be no hit a couple times this year. But he’ll probably also trade Roy Oswalt to the Phils for Travis D’Arnaud and a veteran middle reliever.

How many HRs would Sadaharu Oh have hit over here? 500? Fewer than that?
Matsui averaged a homer every 16.58 at bats in Japan, and one every 25.82 over here, for whatever that’s worth. I mean, you still have to factor in things like his natural decline with age. Bill James should tackle this, not me.

Actually, after looking, someone did. This guy says 527. I think that may be high, especially considering he would have started his career in the 60s, when pitchers were just steamrolling. But since this guy did math, I’ll defer to him.

Jimmy, top seven, stand up triple. 3-3, BB. ‘Merica. Stranded as Wright goes down swinging on a 55 foot pitch. If Al Qaeda had a flag (assuming they don’t) it would be blue and orange.

Joe thinks the US should bring in some minor league pitchers. I’m not here to disagree with him. I say we should have gotten Stephen Strasburg into this tournament, and just unleashed him. He’s clearly heads and shoulders above the competition he’s facing at SDSU, and I really want to see him. Triple digit velocity, he’s gonna tear shit up in the pros. Barring Mark Prior Dusty Baker stuff.

Bottom 8, runner on third, two out, ground ball in the hole to short, Jeter fields it, throws high and wide, runner safe, run scores, three run deficit. Now things are really falling apart, it’s 9-4, but most importantly, all Jeter’s fault. He’ll be leading of the top of the ninth.

And we’re back. Yu Darvish on the mound, Jeter at the plate. Yikes. 6-3. One out. Darvish has a weird delivery. Not Nomo weird, but there’s an interesting little hesitation there, or something. He’s young, too. I wonder how much the Yankees and Red Sox are gonna offer up as posting fees. Jimmy got another hit. 4 for 4. As Jon Miller said, “Jimmy Rollins has played like a World Fucking Champion tonight.” I may not have gotten that quote exactly right. Wright struck out though. That’s his third strikeout. KKK? I don’t think that David Wright has ever denied being a member. Something to consider. And Adam Dunn makes the last out, crushing American hopes. Where is baseball’s Mike Eruzione?

Finally, because I wrote it already, and I would hate for it to go to waste, here’s something I had to say about this whole Special Olympics thing: And now they want Obama to hire a Special Olympics athlete to work in the White House. Wasn’t eight years of Bush enough for them? Suck it, Jay Leno.

Bill Donohue Should Have Been Aborted

President Obama has nominated Kathleen Sebelius, the Governor of Kansas, to fill the role of Secretary of Health and Human Services. She seems to be a brilliant woman and an excellent governor, and, provided that she’s done nothing to draw the IRS’s ire, you would think she would sail through the confirmation process. But anti-abortion people are getting pissy about it.

I’m going to get my biases right out in the open out front: I don’t like the pro-life movement. I think that, for the most part, they’re insufferable, hypocritical assholes. The headmaster where I went to middle school and high school, Father Shea, was one of the worst of this type of person. He was staunchly pro-life, and did his absolute best to indoctrinate each of the students. Every January he would organize a trip to the Pro-Life March in DC, and he would basically bribe students to go. He chartered coach busses and gave plenty of free time in DC after the march; it was basically a day off school. He would even cancel school that day if more than half the student body would go, adding an element of peer pressure. He would do all of this just to swell the numbers at this rally. But seriously, what the hell does a sixth grader know about abortion? At no point in the 7 years I went to his school was the other side of the issue presented at all. It was all just shameless brainwashing. And how can people, like President Bush, claim to be pro-life, yet have no problem sending people to be executed? It just doesn’t make sense to me. And the rationales behind it, all that nonsense about souls and things, it’s just terribly inconsistent with the First Amendment. In fact, the more I think about it, the more certain I am that these people hate America. If you personally think abortion is wrong, that’s fine, and I have no problem with it. But shut the fuck up, and stop trying to legislate it away. I’ve never heard a good reason for outlawing abortion that was independent of religious beliefs, and I probably never will.

Anyway, these anti-abortion people are giving a lot of shit to Sebelius in this confirmation process. Bill Donohue, president of the Catholic League, called her an “enemy of the unborn.” Putting aside how cool a title that is, incendiary rhetoric doesn’t really serve a purpose. Does Donohue have any statistics to back up his argument? If he did, I doubt I would have this bad a headache. Rather than point to any sort of empirical study, Donohue says that Sebelius has been criticized by the last three archbishops of Kansas City. So what? Honestly, if a Catholic politician hasn’t gotten shit from the Church he probably hasn’t been doing a very good job in office. And the archbishop of Kansas City? How many little boys do you need to molest before being put in charge of such an off the beaten track dioceses? Probably between four and nine; double digits and they just give you a posting to the Vatican.

More rational Catholics, notably Catholics United, were quick to shed light on one of the pro-life movement’s biggest foes, the truth. First, they pointed out that Sebelius is on record saying that she personally opposes abortion. Then they point out that Sebelius has lowered abortion rates in her state, offering incentives for adoption and offering more care for pregnant women. Anti-abortion crusaders point out that Sebelius vetoed a bill that would tighten restrictions on abortions. I guess they weren’t really concerned by its unconstitutionality and the dangers it posed to women’s lives. I guess they think the world would be a better place if abortion were a crime performed by hobos charging half a sandwich and a bottle of malt liquor in alleys with rusty wire hangers.

Whatever. People are going to get all up in arms about this, it’s not going to do any good, Sebelius will be confirmed, and we can all forget about it until Obama makes his first Supreme Court appointment. Maybe during the interim we can go back to actually respecting the Constitution.