Sunday Night Baseball

I was all set to write about this Barack Obama, Special Olympics thing that’s been going on. I was several paragraphs in, and it was really good. But I had to stop writing it. Something even more retarded was happening. United States vs. Japan, WBC semifinals. It was on ESPN. Jon Miller was calling the game. Joining him in the box? Joe Morgan and Steve Phillips, baseball's answer to Matt Millen and Mike Millbury. Get excited, everyone.

Derek Jeter is playing short. I understand why the Yankees do it: they don’t have anyone better. But Jeter is the third best defensive shortstop on this team, at least. Mark DeRosa is better defensively than Jeter, and he’s playing first. I’m pretty sure Evan Longoria played short in college, and he’s on the bench. But worst of all, Jimmy Rollins, gold glove shortstop, is DHing! If they really feel the need to play the Captain, why not have him DH, and let Jimmy play defense. He can go left.

Here are some things that Joe Morgan and Steve Phillips have said:
* Team USA is going to win because they’re mentally tough. Also, Roy Oswalt, the starting pitcher, added as an afterthought.
* Bottom 1st, 2-0 count, did they just cut Joe Morgan’s mic? I really think they did.
* Joe Morgan is talking about middle infielders being able to play other positions. I love it. Stick to what you know.
* Joe is comparing Adam Dunn to Ted Williams. VORPies everywhere are rejoicing.
* I’ve blocked them out at this point. It’s good to be back in midseason form.

I should respond to Gerber’s post the other day about David Wright. I’ll give him credit for playing hurt, he’s American hero, and seeing him knock in Jimmy was harmonious. In two weeks he’ll go back to being a fascist pederast.

McDonalds is advertising on Japan’s batting helmets. Seriously.

Top 3, Jeter grounds up the middle, Japanese shortstop goes to his left, throws Jeter out, making the captain jealous.

Fukodome really isn’t a good defensive center fielder: misplaying the Wright double off the wall and the Jimmy single in the first. Him being an all-star last year was a joke.

Bottom three: really nice play by Wright fielding a bunt, Scott Rolen esque. No joke, it was just really nice. Cue text from Dick: “somebody suck David Wright’s dick right now!” Oh, and then he throws the next ball into right field. He must have been distracted.

“Slidepiece” – Steve Philips, bottom 4. That means it’s baseball season.

America is losing, though they could have had a much better team. Real Team USA lineup, cause I’m bored:
Rollins – SS
Wright – 3B
Utley – 2B
Teixeira – 1B
Braun – LF
McCann - C
Sizemore – CF
Markakis – RF
Rotation of Hamels, Halladay, Sabathia, and Lincecum, with Lidge, Nathan, and Papelbon in the bullpen. Iannetta, BJ Upton, Mark DeRosa, Evan Longoria, and Josh Hamilton on the bench. Charlie Manuel managing.

JRoll works a walk top five, after being down 0-2. He’s an American hero, 2-2 with a walk. Right after that, David Wright strikes out looking, proving once again that he hates America. When asked for comment after the game he was unable to speak, seeing as how he was choking.

Wrigley Field was built for a Federal League team. Just saying. Also, I’m looking into reports that dinosaurs were actually made up by the CIA to discourage time travel. Carl Everett hasn’t disagreed with this.

I pay much better attention when the team I’m cheering for is winning. America winning: riveted. America down, but threatening: watching, but with music playing. America down, Japan batting: game on in the background, reading about Tamerlane.

No Met has ever thrown a no-hitter. I’m terrified that will change this year. Ed Wade is still in charge down in Houston, the Astros will probably be no hit a couple times this year. But he’ll probably also trade Roy Oswalt to the Phils for Travis D’Arnaud and a veteran middle reliever.

How many HRs would Sadaharu Oh have hit over here? 500? Fewer than that?
Matsui averaged a homer every 16.58 at bats in Japan, and one every 25.82 over here, for whatever that’s worth. I mean, you still have to factor in things like his natural decline with age. Bill James should tackle this, not me.

Actually, after looking, someone did. This guy says 527. I think that may be high, especially considering he would have started his career in the 60s, when pitchers were just steamrolling. But since this guy did math, I’ll defer to him.

Jimmy, top seven, stand up triple. 3-3, BB. ‘Merica. Stranded as Wright goes down swinging on a 55 foot pitch. If Al Qaeda had a flag (assuming they don’t) it would be blue and orange.

Joe thinks the US should bring in some minor league pitchers. I’m not here to disagree with him. I say we should have gotten Stephen Strasburg into this tournament, and just unleashed him. He’s clearly heads and shoulders above the competition he’s facing at SDSU, and I really want to see him. Triple digit velocity, he’s gonna tear shit up in the pros. Barring Mark Prior Dusty Baker stuff.

Bottom 8, runner on third, two out, ground ball in the hole to short, Jeter fields it, throws high and wide, runner safe, run scores, three run deficit. Now things are really falling apart, it’s 9-4, but most importantly, all Jeter’s fault. He’ll be leading of the top of the ninth.

And we’re back. Yu Darvish on the mound, Jeter at the plate. Yikes. 6-3. One out. Darvish has a weird delivery. Not Nomo weird, but there’s an interesting little hesitation there, or something. He’s young, too. I wonder how much the Yankees and Red Sox are gonna offer up as posting fees. Jimmy got another hit. 4 for 4. As Jon Miller said, “Jimmy Rollins has played like a World Fucking Champion tonight.” I may not have gotten that quote exactly right. Wright struck out though. That’s his third strikeout. KKK? I don’t think that David Wright has ever denied being a member. Something to consider. And Adam Dunn makes the last out, crushing American hopes. Where is baseball’s Mike Eruzione?

Finally, because I wrote it already, and I would hate for it to go to waste, here’s something I had to say about this whole Special Olympics thing: And now they want Obama to hire a Special Olympics athlete to work in the White House. Wasn’t eight years of Bush enough for them? Suck it, Jay Leno.

The 'Merican 'Mazins

Since it seems as though this blog unabashedly favors the Phillies (and I've lost many hours of sleep attempting to find Mets stories to right this ship - - without success) I am jumping at the opportunity to post this tidbit about David Wright.

Basically, Wright played through what he thought was a broken toe (X-Rays ended up being negative) during the WBC game against Venezuela even though the game meant squat dick to team USAs overall success in the tourney.

Now, as a Met fan, am I pleased about this? Not fully. I'd rather him be healthy for a full season that matters. However, he says he would have played through this in the middle of the season, too. And he knew that the only healthy replacement on the bench was catcher Brian McCann.

So even if Wright loses a game or two from this display of manliness (and it doesn't look like he will) could I really be upset that he chose to represent help out our national team? Well considering I made apologies for Rey Ordonez and Luis Lopez after they both missed games from injuries that resulted from a fist fight on the team bus that broke out over a glove - - no, I can't fault David for loving 'Merica.

PS - How did we not have a 'Merica tag yet? For shame!

Where have you gone, Ken Tremendous?

Baseball is back. It’s happening right now, and I couldn’t be happier about it. Hell, it’s not even real baseball, it’s this World Baseball Classic nonsense, but I don’t care. Seriously, it’s baseball. Of course, baseball brings its own baggage with it. Yeah, there are steroid stories and crap, but I don’t care about any of that. It doesn’t bother me. What really annoys me is that now that baseball is back, the idiots who get paid to talk about it are back too.

I was watching the Dominican Republic thwomp Panama Sunday, despite Carlos Ruiz’ best efforts, when I was ambushed by Steve Phillips. Yep, the Steve Phillips that ESPN thinks is going to save Sunday Night Baseball from Joe Morgan (he won’t. If Jon Miller can’t make up for Joe Morgan, I doubt anyone can. Maybe not even Harry Kalas. And poor Jon Miller, what did he do to deserve both Morgan and Phillips in the booth with him?). He came out of nowhere, and really bothered me for like an inning and a half. But I quickly got back into regular season shape, and before I knew it I wasn’t hearing him anymore. It was glorious. And then Gary Thorne struck! I normally don’t have a problem with Gary Thorne, and I’m not positive that it was him; it may have been just one of those ubiquitous voices that they seem to grow in Bristol. Whatever. On to what he said.

Panama was up in the top of the sixth, down 5 to 0, one out. At the plate was Julio Zuleta, whom I’ve never heard of, but the announcers were hyping him as a pretty powerful hitter. After Zuleta hit a pretty deep foul ball, Thorne said, “Right now Panama needs some base runners. A long ball with nobody on isn’t really going to do anything for them.” Or something like that. What the hell? You know what a home run does for them? It gives them a fucking run. What does a walk or a single do? Yeah, it puts a guy on base, which would have been nullified when the next batter grounded out to Tejada, which could have been an easy 5-4-3 double play. It’s not bad to put a run on the board; a home run is pretty much always preferable to a single. Yeah, this has been done pretty much to death. But seriously, people, even Tim McCarver is coming around to understanding this. Scoring runs is better than not scoring runs.

The Biggest Homophobe in the World

We here at SI really, really despise Fred Phelps (I'm going out on a limb here and speaking for everyone involved). But at the same time, I (and assuming again, everyone else here) am painstakingly fascinated by him.

In case you don't know, Fred Phelps is the founder of the Westboro Baptist Church, a super fundamental Christian Church founded out of the pure, unadulterated hatred of gays. The church's website is GodHatesFags.com. Straight to the point those fundamentalists.

If the name of the church sounds familiar, you've probably read about them in the news. They're the ones who protest the funerals of American soldiers who died in Iraq. If you're now confused about that jump (from hating fags to protesting fallen soldiers) allow me to connect the dots for you. The WBC is protesting those funerals to make sure all are aware that American soldiers are being slain by God as penance for our fag-loving ways. If that sounds illogical to you, you have a sound understanding of logic. They place a lot of this blame on George W. Bush. George W. "I love homosexuality so much I want to constitutionally ban it" Bush. These people do not praise rationality as much as they praise big ol' JC.

But the WBC doesn't just frequent funerals, they're also lovers of the arts. They love picketing theatrical productions like "The Laramie Project," the play written about the violent murder of Matthew Shepard in an effort to curb homophobia. A few years ago, GodHatesFags.com had a running counter of the number of years, months, days, hours, minutes, and seconds that Matthew Shepard had been in Hell. Nice.

Well, in an effort to halt the world's slow descent into hell, Fred and his followers are traveling to England to protest a performance of "The Laramie Project" there. The church recently answered some questions about their trip there. I recently tore apart those answers:

1) Is this your first picket in the UK?

1. It is the first actual picket. We have been preaching by so many means to the UK for years. The arm of the Lord our God is not shortened by oceans and things, all of which, he created, and all of which he knew about when he considered these last hours of the very last days of all.

So in response to the question you actually asked, Mr. Interviewer - - yes. This is our first picket in the UK. Period.

But since you've graciously provided us with more than we asked for (like always!) allow me to pay you back with my thoughts. Let's assume God did create "oceans and things." If he created all of these things, he most certainly created the tools necessary to make anal beads. Just a fun thought.

2) Are you flying across to Britain, or is the picket being carried out by members in Britain? If you are flying over, how many protesters are you expecting and when are you arriving?

2. Considering that your nation has tried in many ways, including with draconian laws to shut up the Word of God from OFF your landscape, and to make it a crime to plainly say what the STANDARDS of GOD are, (e.g. THOU SHALT NOT lie with mankind as with womankind, it is abomination or THOU SHALT NOT commit adultery, etc.) that I will not be telling any details of our business to get where we need to be.

First, go ahead and add your own [sic]'s in there. I don't have the energy to type the same thing dozens of times. Second, I think we made her angry. She's writing in the big letters.

But while we're talking about standards from the Bible, how's this from WouldJesusDiscriminate.org concerning Matthew 19:10-12:

Here Jesus refers to "eunuchs who have been so from birth." This terminology ("born eunuchs") was used in the ancient world to refer to homosexual men. Jesus indicates that being a "born eunuch" is a gift from God.

This is in addition to all of that "love one another" and "be good stewards of my creation" nonsense JC was always babbling on about.

3) What is your objection to The Laramie Project?

3. We don't object to it, we see it as a glorious preaching moment. It creates a PERFECT backdrop for us to help YOU connect the dots. From the least to the greatest of the people of the UK, including your lamenting and rebellious and disobedient Gordon Brown. You taught your children FOR GENERATIONS now that God is a big fat liar and that HIS standards are on the table to dispose of. You BROKE their moral compass.

The prophet said - WHAT WILL YE DO IN THE END THEREOF. That is to say for you rebels - WHAT will you do when you get to the end of this road of your filthy disobedient manner of life and find that you have incurred the wrath of God and you find that his promises to make your people to be ALTOGETHER WORTHLESS, GOOD FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! And what will you do when you all land in hell FOR EVER where the worm that eats on you NEVER dies and the fire is NEVER quenched and the smoke of your torment ascends up for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever - never ending...

FOR-EH-VER. Sorry, I just really love "The Sandlot".

...Now suddenly you see that they have NO standards! And then you can add to this pleasant little happy UK family moment that another 13-year-old boy has arisen to dispute paternity! Oh yea baby - you UK rebels truly have it goin on! You are like the Doomed american rebels - just a big shameful MESS!!

You just got served, fag lovers!

I say we are dot connecters! THAT is our job! We use the Laramie Project to tell you unambiguously and unapologetically that your DUTY is to fear God and keep his commandments and that you are required to give the glory of all his judgments that he is executing RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE, TO HIM! The God Smacks are HIS WORK!

We are the dot connectors! We slay that shit on the kids menu at Friendly's! Where you saw a smattering of dots we saw the truth! And that truth was a polygon-ized quasi Shrek looking thing that we fleshed out in crayon! Yeah!!!

4) Why have you decided to widen your protests to Britain?

4. Here is the reason - from the mouth of the Lord Jesus Christ, to wit: Mt 24:14 And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come...

Yada yada yada, fire and brimstone, blah blah blah, misappropriated biblical quotes, yap yap yap. Same old, same old there. But notice one important thing there: the legalese of "to wit". That's right, there are tons of lawyers in the Phelps family. Tons! In fact, Freddy himself used to be a very successful and lauded Civil Rights attorney. Until he was disbarred.

Moving on...

The antichrist is sitting now, in the Whitehouse, the time is SO SHORT - the Lord is coming and this generation is DOOMED!

Only Americans would assume the root of all evil would have to be housed on our soil. Typical.

You see the destruction already before your eyes! As filthy america goes down, and The Beast Obama, That Son of Perdition, that Man of Sin gets his power grab on, you will all give over the power of your government to him and when you see that phony façade fall away, and he gets his war on and all your fawning over him turns to great fear, then you can remember these words.

Is it weird that when I hear about Obama "getting his war on" the President takes on a decidedly Leon Phelps-ian look in my mind?

In that hour, if you or any other soul in the UK has a heart to know your God, and you understand that the end is near, you can yet put away your idols, your false gods and your FILTHY manner of life and you can serve the Lord your God in truth! THAT is your only hope.

Right. Serve your God in the truth that you should advocate violence against innocents. Right.

Well, this whole rant must be nearing a close. All of this fag hating is tiring! Time to gear up for the final sermon. Crack your knuckles, sharpen your righteousness, here it comes!

Thanks for asking!

Shirley Phelps-Roper

Oh come on! You can't work me up like that and not finish me off! What was all that hot sodomy talk about if you weren't going to let me finish?! Fuck, now I'm pissed.