Italians start making moves; not related, but Earth almost gets fucked

Oh, science. Apparently, the Italians have realized that I’ve been right all along, and that scientists weren’t doing enough cool things. Most of them seem to have shrugged off my scorn and went back to conjuring up tiramisu recipes, or whatever they do over there, but one guy stepped up. Ok, maybe I had nothing to do with this, cause he started being awesome years ago, but the story is out now. Anyway.

Severino Antinori, a crazy motherfucker, is now claiming that he helped bring three cloned children into the world. According to him, and no one else, Antinori took cells from three sterile men and, using the process of nuclear transfer, impregnated some women. He says that there are now three children, two boys and a girl, who are each nine years old, healthy, and living in Eastern Europe.

This is pretty awesome, but also cause for concern. No, I’m not talking about the ethical implications of cloning; those really don’t bother me. Instead, I want to know why this guy was able to clone people almost ten years ago, but the last time other scientists tried to clone something, that Ibex, it didn’t even last an hour. This guy needs to help other scientists out so that everyone can be on the same level. He can bring so much more awesomeness into the world.

Alright, so try not to freak out, but a fucking asteroid passed within 38,000 miles of earth. That’s like a fifth of the distance between earth and the moon. It’s barely twice as far from earth as our communication satellites are. It could have been a disaster. Why the hell didn’t we hear about it until after the asteroid had passed?

Ok, so the asteroid was only about forty yards wide; rather than killing everyone off, it would have just messed a lot of stuff up. But seriously, why wasn’t there any sort of warning? People had to have known that this was coming. What the hell?

They're on the move!

And headed for a stronghold near you!

Repent! The end is near!

This is it. It's happening. This is not a drill people. First zombies in Texas, now raptors in Indiana. I haven't read the Bible in a long time, but I'm pretty sure that dinosaurs are the second sign of the Apocalypse.

We're being attacked from the North and the South! We can't fight a two front war against humans, let alone a two front war against zombies and clever-girl raptors! This is the end! And I never made to another Super Bowl that the Giants won after last year! Damnit!

To be honest, I see no hope. I live no the second floor of my apartment building, and I will be retreating there to barricade the stairwell, fortify my apartment, and camp out with Molotov cocktails, but it's only a matter of time.

The only foreseeable escape is if we can train the zombies from the South to hunt the raptors in the North, pitting foe against foe, and praying that the collateral damage from the Second Zombie Dinosaur war doesn't kill off the human race anyway.

Hug your loved ones and grab you ankles - - rapture is here.

Zombie Attack?

I don’t know what’s going on in Austin, Texas, but for the sake of humanity I need to get to the bottom of it. First, the facts: people in Austin have changed some traffic signs to say things like “Zombies in area! Run” and “zombies ahead.” Austin officials have dismissed this as just the actions of vandals and hackers, people playing a joke on commuters. But what if there is more to this than mere immaturity?

What if Austin is experiencing the very beginning of a zombie outbreak? People tried to warn us about this, and most likely ended up having their brains eaten by zombies. They probably gave up their lives to save countless others during morning rush hour in Austin.

These people, vandals and hackers, as the government is calling them, are heroes. Their self-sacrifice has bought us time. We need to be ready to fight off hordes of zombies that will doubtless reduce Texas (and hopefully Oklahoma) to something of an undead breeding ground; Texas citizens will be the first to be turned, and their numbers will swell as Mexicans continue pouring over the border. Once Mexico puts up a fence to keep American zombies out, and they will, these zombies will move north. And we need to be ready for this. I urge everyone to start preparing for this: stock up on canned goods, sharpen your machetes, and if possible, prepare an island hideaway. Construction companies and the city of Austin are trying to keep this under wraps. It may be too late for Texas, but there is still hope for the rest of the country. We just need to get ready.

Back to work

Sorry I haven't been posting, but as alluded to by Gimpy I was busy wasting time during my first weekend of this week (which happened on Tuesday and Wednesday thanks to the wonder of snow and the absence of anything resembling a snow plow in the Lou). However, I was forced back to work today (the humanity!) and had to relay one of the greatest things I have ever seen on Wikipedia.

One of my students told me to google something called a Hypercane. He didn't know how to spell it, he didn't really know what it was. All he could say was I saw something about it on the Discovery channel and you have to see it.

Here's essentially what it is: simultaneously the last thing you ever want to witness first hand and the coolest fuckin' thing you have ever seen.

As the name suggests, it's a gigantic hurricane, in theory at least. It would result from the superheating of the ocean (it would have to be 122 degrees Fahrenheit or 59 degrees hotter than the highest recorded ocean temp ever recorded). This could really only happen from a massive meteor of asteroid crashing into the ocean (in fact, there's a theory that it was hypercanes that resulted from an asteroid that really did in the dinosaurs).

I know precious little about the science of hurricanes, but here are the basic specs on a theoretical hypercane (all of which make me want to curl up in the fetal position and suck on my thumb):

-Wind speeds of over 500 mph (the strongest recorded reading is 195 mph)

-"A tremendous lifespan"

-One hypercane could likely be the size of North America

-It would create storm surges washing immeasureable gallons of water onto the shore from the ocean, absolutely drowning the coastline

-It would decimate the ozone layer resulting in lethal levels of UV rays reaching the Earth's surface

-And just in case one Hypercane doesn't do it for you...the oceans would stay hot for weeks allowing for many more hypercanes to form!

Now, to be fair, this is only some people's belief. Other scientists think those ocean conditions would merely create a storm 10 miles in diameter. The only problem is that that storm would be much more like a tornado, and the biggest tornado ever seen is only 2.5 miles wide. Gulp.

So, that was pretty pointless, but writing about the end of the world can't be all bad...