This is great - - give me more!

Hey, how's it goin? Long time no see. Hope you've been doing well since the last time I posted. Oh what's that? There's still only 4 people who read this site? I'll hold off on the pleasantries then.

More news about A-Rod today, and much of it is awesome. Turns out he's covering up his lies with more lies, and every day finds himself buried under a bigger mountain of deceit.

After the report of his alleged steroid use came out, he "confessed" (and I'm forced to use that term lightly now) that he stopped using in 2003, that he was unaware of what he was using, and that he was essentially trying to fit in with all of the cool kids in Texas.

False. (Allegedly).

However, none of the news that came out today was particularly alarming, save perhaps that it's highly likely A-Rod used steroids in high school. If he really did gain 25 lbs of muscle between his sophomore and junior years, I would vote that it's impossible that he didn't use steroids, but we'll say it's possible for now. The only reason we find this surprising is because for most of us, Rodriguez is (still on some level) the wunderkind of recent memory. He was the youngest member of a young and exciting (and very likable) Mariners team that took on the Yankee beast in the 90s. We were prepared from Day 1 to watch his meteoric rise to the top of the all-time record sheet, and our naivete in assuming he could do it without enhancement was spurred on by his young age and youthful visage. I think we're still reeling from that.

Further, when dealing with such an image-obsessed, egomaniacal pro-athlete, we can't really be surprised that he had a harem of women across the country or even that he was tipping off pitches to other players to receive tips in return and pad his stats. Baseball is a numbers business, and a reasonably intelligent man such as A-Rod can draw the straight, logical line between stats and dollars quite easily. I don't find any of this shocking.

Really the surprising news today is more that we're still only hearing about A-Rod. Remember when he was first outed as a steroid user, it was because his name was part of a list of 104 positive tests from other major league players. That was on February 7th. It's two months later and we've gotten precisely 0 other names on that list.

What the hell?! A-Rod becomes less likable with every news story that comes out, but why is he getting railroaded for a generation of steroid users? Why is he being punished for being better than everyone else?

You want this to happen as much as I do. I want to hear about more people getting embarrassing nicknames. I'll see you Bitch Tits for A-Rod, and raise you Silver Dollars, Saucy Nips, Tiny Balls, Backne, Crater Face, Hulk, Ass Cyst, Mega Dome and whatever other off-color nicknames can arise from the physical maladies associated with steroid use.

There are enough players that I love to hate; I really want to have better nicknames for them.

Public Service Announcement

There is no such thing as swine flu. Everyone is just covering up a Zombie outbreak. Prepare accordingly.

More Specter Stuff

So for the most part, I’m pretty unabashedly liberal, except for when it comes to lobbing crusie missiles are third world countries. So I figured it would be only fair to see what the other side thinks about Specter’s change of party affiliation. I figured the best place to really find out what people thinks was the comment thread that FOX News thoughtfully provided for their mongoloid viewers.

Mike Q. says: Leaving a party because your ideology no longer matches that of your current party, fine. I see no problem with that. Leaving your party because you’re afraid you will lose an election is hypocritical and disingenuous. Despite Specter’s political rhetoric to the contrary, that’s what this smacks of.

Maybe. But why should Specter remain loyal to the Republican Party when the party has stopped being loyal to him?

PEslashPM says: The Republican party: R.I.P. 1854 ~ November 2008

God willing.

MERVYN says: REPUBLICANS OF PENNSYLVANIA NOW IS YOUR CHANCE TO KICK THIS BUM OUT HE HAS ALWAYS OPPOSED THE TRUE ELEMENTS OF CONSERVATISM HE NEEDS TO GO NOW TOGETHER WITH HIS NEW FOUND ALLIES THE DEMOCRATS.

You know who else opposed the true elements of conservatism? The Republican Party. Also, why do people insist on writing in all caps? Is there some sort of computer virus that only affects the shift key? Don’t these people realize that it makes it impossible to take anything they write seriously?

Johanna says: Specter was a decent man who always won his elections with many Dem votes. If the Republicans want to become a “pure” party, and invite the Club for Growth to “weed out” those who are not “pure,” he was right to leave. Republicans have to decide whether to be a national political party or a small club of like-minded ideologues.

I doubt she is a frequent foxnews.com visitor. I liked her statement.

Warrenjh says: There will be more exodus in the GOP if they do not turn down rhetoric and be a party that is inclusive and not exclusive, People like Sean and Rush with a very narrow minded agenda is killing our party.

Yup, couldn’t agree more with Warren. There’s definitely value in a real conservative or libertarian approach to governing. The GOP has chosen to ignore that, focusing instead on hate, polarization, arrogance, and exclusion.

Ramon says: Arlen Specter should stay with his party and continue working on the Republican agenda until he is due for re-election. Voters from the Republican party were the ones that elected him in that office to work on the Republica agenda. He should only change parties when he is due up for re-election so the voters are aware of his political agenda.

I chose this one, even though there were a lot of people saying essentially the same thing, because Ramon managed to be somewhat coherent. Two things: parties are not up for election, people are. Republicans didn’t vote for the Republican Party, they voted for Arlen Specter. People who don’t consider the candidates, and only vote along party lines, or even worse along one issue (abortion) are terrible for democracy. Put some thought into your vote. Also, a lot of Democrats voted for Specter as well, and have voted for him for years. Finally, as Specter said, 200,000 Pennsylvania Republicans have changed their voter registration over the last year; by switching he is representing his constituency.

Eric says: Specter has always baffled me and angered me with his voting record. I say on one hand good bye, farewell. But he has chosen one of the worse times to leave that could hurt a party he had chosen to be a part of, just for his own gain. Not a man of integrity who can change and allign himself with those that desire to have it only their way, and stamp out the speech and vote of a party which tries to still represent the majority of our Country which desire morality, honor, In God we Trust, Marraige being of a man and woman. His decision could help sway many decisions that would change the things this Country was founded on, and for self preservation.

I really struggled to understand what Eric was saying here; I guess that’s one of the drawbacks of homeschooling. If I’m interpreting this correctly, though, he’s saying that our country was founded on “morality, honor, in God we trust, [and] marriage being of a man and woman,” and that by changing parties he’s jeopardizing these things. Um, no. First of all, morality and honor are pretty subjective things, so you can’t really say that one party is more honorable or moral than the other. As for in God we trust, that was added to money in the fifties; it’s not a principle our country was founded on, it’s Cold War propaganda. Finally, the country wasn’t founded on the principle that marriage was between a man and a woman. There’s nothing anywhere that suggests that. And for the love of God, don’t point to the Bible.

Diane says: He’s a Red Coat, a worm, don’t let the door hit you on your way out Spector !

What the hell? Is it 1773 again? She really called him a redcoat.

Kent says: I agree with J S Cros. Sphincter should have to resign his seat, obviously he doesn’t care for his constituents who voted for him. Especially those that voted for him based on him being affiliated with the GOP.

I think I already addressed what this guy thinks. I’m pointing this out because he called Specter “Sphincter.” See, FOX got upset by all the teabagging jokes, but really I think they were upset that they didn’t think of them first. Really, immaturity crosses party lines.

Mark says: hey – do you hear a sucking sound? Must be the GOP.
John P says: Your wrong about the origins of that sucking sound. It’s coming from Barney Frank’s office.

See! Told ya.

DAN says: We`re not going anywhere ant. We will take this country back from you leftist trash by force if we have to. Keep up your leftist propaganda and watch what happens.

The south will rise again? People like DAN make that warning of right-wing extremists seem prescient.

Milt from CA says: And another thing…Arlen, YOU are as responsible for the monstrous increase in the deficit as is barack hussein osuma. You’ve been showing your liberal colors for years but voting in favor of Porkulus was your ultimate coming-out-of-the-closet-in-your-mind moment. Good riddance.

I agree, Specter is just as responsible as Obama for the deficit. Neither of them is nearly as responsible as Bush, though.

Jules says: Sylvie; you have got to be black.

What the hell? This was just there in the middle of the page, not as a reply to anything. I’m a little bit curious.

Bob Runninger says: Since he is a Progressive Republican at heart he is in good company with the other Progressives. We don’t need his whining in the Republican Party.

Yeah, fuck progress!

Ken Miller says: Good by and good ridence

Ken used four words, and managed to spell two of them incorrectly. I would bet a decent amount of money that he spelled his name wrong.

Independent Thinker says: I think it is great that Specter is switching, it shows that he is a man of conviction and does not want to remain in a right-wing extremist party.
Before the Republican Party became so radical and extremist, Specter probably felt quite at home in the the GOP, but now many moderate Republicans like him are becoming very uncomfortable and do not want to support the Taliban-like agenda of the GOP.

YOU GET WHAT YOU VOTED FOR says: You were dropped on your head as a baby, Right?

So the first guy gives a thoughtful response. The reply? Not so much.

Chris Gallimore says: Specter has been a useless piece of sh#t for years. Good riddance. With rinos like him, Snowe and Collins Bush couldn’t get his agenda through even when the republicans had a majority. Republicans will not be the majority again if they continue presenting themselves as democrat lite.

Well, then thank God for Snowe, Collins, and Specter. There’s been an awful lot of hatred on these forums directed at Snowe and Collins, and I don’t really get it. Why are Republicans trying to marginalize people? It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

Last one:

FLOYD says: When 2010 comes around we going to have clean house , and we well. I just hope spector when he stands before his maker has a good excusue for turning his back on moral princples and backing a groupd of cheats and murders.

I hope when FLOYD stands before his maker God throws a dictionary at his face. FLOYD is way too representative of the people posting here. I should have known what I was getting myself into when I went to foxnews.com. I can feel brain cells dying. I need to stop.

Arlen Specter is cooler than you

As you may have heard by now, Arlen Specter has decided to switch parties, leaving the GOP to run for reelection in 2010 as a Democrat. In the short term, this gives the Democrats 59 seats in the Senate, which will become 60 once Norm Coleman recognizes the inevitable and Al Franken is seated. In the long term, it sets up a potential Toomey-Specter rematch, this time in the general election.

Sen. Specter’s decision to switch parties will have a broad range of consequences. First, it eventually give the Democrats a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate, allowing them to pass pretty much any bill they want. Or, more accurately, any bill that Specter wants passed. In the statement he released today, Specter emphasized that his loyalty was to the people in Pennsylvania he represents and to the country, not to any one party. He has shown a willingness to cross party lines in the past, most notably when he broke from the Republican caucus earlier this hear to support President Obama’s stimulus package. While Democrats are hopeful that this will enable them to steamroll any filibuster, this outlook may be too optimistic; despite changing his party affiliations, I don’t expect Specter to blindly follow Harry Reid’s lead.

Nevertheless, this is still pretty bad news for the Republican Party. After having gotten their asses kicked in elections across the board in 2008, the Republicans are in desperate need of reaching out to moderates, as Reagan was able to do in 1980. Bush was a historically bad President, and the Democrats were able to largely run against him and his record; Republicans can’t bank on Obama being as trailblazingly terrible, and will need to get support for their own policies and initiatives, not just an anti-Obama movement. To do this, they’re going to need to reach out and attract voters who leaned to the left in ’08, if not Democrats then at least independents. Specter’s defection is a blow to this; if one of the more moderate Republicans is leaving the party as it swings dangerously towards the right, how can they hope to attract other moderates? As Specter stated in his press release, over the past year 200,000 Pennsylvanians have switched registration from the GOP to the Democratic Party; Specter’s defection will not likely stem this tide, but rather could possibly even enhance it.

Republicans have, predictably, come out attacking Specter, choosing to cast his decision as a move based on self-preservation rather than a reaction to the failings of their party. Michael Steele, Lindsey Graham, and others seem to have taken it for granted that Specter would lose in the 2010 primary election to Pat Toomey, whom he is currently trailing in polls of likely GOP primary voters. Specter was able to hold off a challenge from Toomey in 2004, but as the Republican Party has swung to the right he has been isolated in the center, vulnerable to a primary challenge. By joining the Democrat caucus, he has a much easier road to reelection; while I don’t know for certain, it would not surprise me if his defection were conditional on having the full support of the Democratic Party not only in the 2010 general election, but against any primary challengers. And in a general election against Pat Toomey, Specter should have very little difficulty; in 2006 the conservative Democrat Bob Casey massacred the nauseatingly-conservative Rick Santorum, and I see no reason a Specter-Toomey showdown would be any less one sided. I’m going to vote for him.

Things I've been thinking about while not writing

Is there any better way to start a post than by talking about dinosaurs? Nope, didn’t think so. TIME has an article online about how they died, adding another voice to the chorus of people claiming that an asteroid was not responsible for the mass extinction of the dinosaurs. This article doesn’t really offer an alternative theory, but does present a lot of geological evidence in support of its thesis. I guess this adds weight to the volcano theory, which the geologists mention towards the end of the article as a possibility.

In her most recent online column, Ann Coulter continues to show how, um, special she is. She attacks Manhattan for being “traitorous,” attacks Janet Napolitano for warning against right wing extremists, and, in my favorite statement of this week, describes liberals as having “absolutely no morals and yet are ferociously judgmental.” Now, I could go on probably forever about how this last sentence is a pretty clear case of the pot calling the kettle black, but that wouldn’t show just how terrible a person Coulter is. Instead, I’m just going to tell you what this article was about. You’re probably thinking it’s got something to do with homeland security, probably that warning that was sent out across the country warning about conservative radicals. Well, you’re wrong. It’s her obituary to her mother. She fills it with so much hate and anger directed towards Democrats it’s just scary. I think something might be wrong with her.

After last night, I kinda feel bad for any baseball fan that isn’t also a Phillies fan. Seriously, this team is amazing; last night’s game just gives further evidence of that. The Phils got terrible pitching from their starter, Joe Blanton, and fell behind early. But then Ryan Howard launched a grand slam, tying the game at six. The Phils fell behind again, and again came back to tie it at seven. Then Scott Eyre came in to pitch the eighth inning, and all hell broke loose, leaving the Fightins down four after seven and a half. But the most fun team in baseball wouldn’t put up with that nonsense. Pedro Feliz, who didn’t start the game, got the rally going, and hits by Rollins and Utley followed, along with a sac fly by Victorino. Howard and Werth both walked, bring Raul Ibanez to the plate with the Phils down two. He got a first pitch fastball and unloaded on it, sending a line drive over the wall in right field for another grand slam. Madson came in and shut down the Nats, getting the save. All but one of the Phillies’ wins this year have been come from behind; in their sweep of that Marlins this weekend they won two games which they trailed heading into the ninth. It’s incredible; they’re getting terrible pitching and still finding ways to win. It’s just such a fun team to watch.

In other sports stuff, the Ducks knocked the Sharks out of the playoffs. What’s Joe Thornton’s deal? Even going back to his time in Boston, his teams tore it up in the regular season, but once the postseason started they just got steamrolled. It’s almost starting to make the trade that sent him to San Jose defensible from the Bruin’s perspective. Chicago beat the Flames, knocking them out of the playoffs; they’ll go on to play the Canucks, and the winner of that matchup will go on to lose to the Red Wings, who look absolutely unstoppable. Two game sevens tonight, with the New York Sean Averys looking to avoid choking away their series against the Caps, and Martin Brodeur looking to hold off the Hurricanes, who have looked surprisingly good. Both games should be interesting, if the Rangers don’t fold in the first ten minutes. Also, I’m sure some basketball stuff happened last night.

Alright, swine flu. What’s the deal with this? People are flipping out all over the place, Matt Drudge predictably fanned the flames over the weekend, and the number of reported cases in America is in double digits now. But are people actually dying from this? I mean, I understand that this is killing people in Mexico, but that’s a third world country without really any hospitals. We’re better than that. CNN has a story about a teenager from New York who had swine flu, popped two Tamiflu pills, and is fine now. So let’s stop flipping out about this; just wash your hands, stay away from Mexico, and stop whining. Also, if you’re Rush Limbaugh, stop blaming this on Obama. Seriously.

My favorite story in a really long time is this one from the Huffington Post. Yep, conservatives actually believe that Stephen Colbert is also a conservative. This is so incredibly dumb I just don’t know how to react to it. Seriously, I had to read that article like three times. I’m pretty sure that the people who believe Colbert is a conservative had ancestors who were eating babies in Ireland in the beginning of the eighteenth century.

Some Polish pianist is making waves today after he went on an anti-American rant at a concert in LA Sunday night, leading people to walk out of the concert. The guy is pissed that the US is installing a missile defense shield in Poland, because evidently he is in favor of a nuclear holocaust. The guy said he would never perform in the United States again. Good, I hope he never comes back. Fuck him.

The British are kicking a druid out of Stonehenge, though the guy has been living there since last June. Whatever, go for it. The only cool part about this is the guy’s name. It used to be John Rothwell, but in 1976 he had it legally changed to King Arthur Pendragon. The guy is clearly crazy, but that’s just an awesome name.

Ugh, secession

Sorry for writing so much today, this is what happens when I only have half of my morning class and then half of my afternoon class. Lots of time. Anyway, secession.

I had thought that this nonsense was pretty much over, and it was no longer an issue. But CNN.com has an interview up with Ron Paul where he says secession is American and a whole lot of other nauseating garbage.

Look, I don’t care if the 13 colonies seceded from Great Britain, that doesn’t make secession American. Remember that whole Civil War thing? I think that established, pretty much unequivocally that secession wasn’t cool. Same with nullification, not allowed. That’s not how federalism works.

I don’t understand how people can justify this by saying that the government is doing all sorts of terrible things and, as Gov. Perry said, “thumbing its nose at the American people.” Someone needs to explain that to me. President Obama has been in office for like three months, not even 100 days yet, after winning the Presidency by a pretty wide margin. And he’s got pretty strong approval ratings. Seems to me he’s doing what the majority of the American people want. The only people at whom the government is “thumbing its nose” is a group of right wing conservatives still bitter from November.

And, Daniel Webster:

I have not allowed myself, Sir, to look beyond the Union, to see what might lie hidden in the dark recess behind. I have not coolly weighed the chances of preserving liberty when the bonds that unite us together shall be broken asunder. I have not accustomed myself to hang over the precipice of disunion, to see whether, with my short sight, I can fathom the depth of the abyss below; nor could I regard him as a safe counselor in the affairs of this government, whose thoughts should be mainly bent on considering, not how the Union may be best preserved, but how tolerable might be the condition of the people when it should be broken up and destroyed. While the Union lasts, we have high, exciting, gratifying prospects spread out before us and our children. Beyond that I seek not to penetrate the veil. God grant that in my day, at least, that curtain may not rise! God grant that on my vision never may be opened what lies behind! When my eyes shall be turned to behold for the last time the sun in heaven, may I not see him shining on the broken and dishonored fragments of a once glorious Union; on States dissevered, discordant, belligerent; on a land rent with civil feuds, or drenched, it may be, in fraternal blood! Let their last feeble and lingering glance rather behold the gorgeous ensign of the republic, now known and honored throughout the earth, still full high advanced, its arms and trophies streaming in their original luster, not a stripe erased or polluted, not a single star obscured, bearing for its motto, no such miserable interrogatory as "What is all this worth?" nor those other words of delusion and folly, "Liberty first and Union afterwards"; but everywhere, spread all over in characters of living light, blazing on all it sample folds, as they float over the sea and over the land, and in every wind under the whole heavens, that other sentiment, dear to every true American heart, - Liberty and Union, now and for ever, one and inseparable!

On this Miss USA nonsense

So this probably happened a couple days ago, but I just read about it this morning. Apparently at the Miss USA competition one of the favorites, Miss California, was asked a question by “celebrity” judge Perez Hilton about same-sex marriage.

Her answer was, “Well, I think it’s great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage. And you know what, I think in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that's how I was raised.”

Naturally, Hilton got really pissed off by this (his stunned face in the youtube video is actually pretty funny), later called her a dumb bitch, and Miss CA ended up coming in second place. There’s speculation that her answer is what cost her the title, but I’m not buying into that, because I think that Miss North Carolina was better looking anyway. But I think the reaction to this is pretty overblown.

I wish people would stop trying to force their views on other people. Miss CA thinks that marriage should be between a man and a woman, she was raised that way, fine. Agree or disagree with that as you will. But why get angry at her, she’s entitled to believe what she wants. Hell, she even says it’s great that people have the opportunity to choose between the two. She believes what she believes for her own reasons, and it’s not like she’s campaigning for a constitutional amendment. I’m actually impressed she stuck by what she believed, when the judges were clearly wanting for the other answer. By flipping out Hilton is doing more to hurt his cause than to help it; he’s galvanizing the other side and giving them a figure to rally around. I dunno, his reaction just really bothered me, I'm just really not a fan of fanatics, regardless of their side. Unless it's sports.

First in War, First in Peace, Last in the NL East

So, uh, what’s going on down in D.C.? Is it possible that the Nationals are the worst run franchise in sports? With Matt Millen no longer involved in Detroit, and basketball not mattering enough to me for it to be considered, I think that this may be the case.

I guess a good place to start is with Jim Bowden, who served as their GM until he resigned this spring. Why did he resign? Well, it didn’t really have anything to do with him being just terrible at his job, even though he was, as shown by his failure to trade Soriano, and extensions of Dmitri Young and Ronnie Belliard. No, he resigned because he was being investigated by the fucking FBI. I swear that’s true. Allegedly he’s been skimming money off the top of signing bonuses paid to Latin American prospects.

But now that Bowden is gone there’s hope for the future, right? I mean, they’ve got some good young talent, maybe they can rebuild. Or, maybe not. They have the first pick in this summer’s draft, and would be crazy not to take Stephen Strasburg. But he’s a Boras client, and it will take a huge signing bonus to get him, possibly double what’s ever been paid before. Will the Nationals be willing to do that? They managed to not sign their first round pick from last year’s draft, so nothing is guaranteed.

And then there’s this business with Lastings Milledge. The Nationals don’t really have all that many players with any sort of a high ceiling. There’s Ryan Zimmerman at third, the face of the franchise who was just locked up with a five year contract extension. There’s Adam Dunn, who’s clearly not an up and coming player, but as their marquee free agent signing from this winter, and someone who actually doesn’t suck, who should be in the lineup every day. And there’s Lastings Milledge. He’s basically the only centerfielder on their roster, with a really quick bat and still a lot of potential. He started to put things together in the second half of last season, where he played pretty well. Then he started this season struggling a little, so the Nationals did what any poorly run, irrational franchise would do: they sent him down to the minors. Seriously. The Nationals aren’t going to contend this year, they don’t even have a realistic shot at fourth place in the division. So why not give Milledge at bats against major league pitchers to work his problems out? Demoting him makes no sense at all; it’s not good for him, and it’s not good for the team.

So with Milledge toiling away in the International League, that Nationals found themselves in need of a centerfielder. They decided to use the always entertaining, slightly unhinged Elijah Dukes in that role, even though he’s more of a corner outfielder. Well, at least that was their plan. But then Nationals’ manager Manny Acta benched Dukes for showing up like five minutes late to a pregame stretching session. Now, Dukes has had some issues with authority; you figure that if he was late because he was busy texting pictures of a gun to people whose lives he’s threatened, as he’s done before, then the benching might be merited. But he wasn’t. He was late because he was away at some community outreach event, signing autographs and speaking to little league players. Seriously. But in the National’s zero-tolerance, zero-common sense locker room, he was benched and fined $500. The baseball gods were clearly angered by this, as they smited his replacement, who broke his ankle while making a catch in that game. As for the fine, the little league, uh, league, is taking up a collection to pay it, not because Dukes needs the money, but more as a show of solidarity and to thank him and all sorts of things. And the worst part is that I have no doubt the Nationals will be willing to take their money.

Right now the Nats are 2-10, and seemingly incapable of even spelling their team name correctly on their uniforms. Don’t expect any sort of improvement soon.

Spring Cleaning

This is nothing like the spring cleaning that Winston was whining about Friday, it’s a lot more speculative. Right now the Washington post has ten things that they would get rid of in a world-wide spring cleaning. The ten things that the Post writers would do away with are the Nobel Prize in Literature, the NAACP, the White House Press Corps, Tenure, the Prom, the term “Muslim World,” Larry Summers, the Vice-Presidency, Television, and West Point. They have essays up about each one of those things if you’re especially interested; I wasn’t, and only read the one about the Nobel Prize, so I won’t be talking about their decisions. Instead, I’ve come up with a list of ten things that I would like to see be swept off the planet.

Twitter: Ok, so now Oprah has a Twitter, Ashton Kutcher has a million people following him, but this is plagued by controversy, and all of this is considered to be news. What the fuck? You cannot convince me that Twitter won’t be responsible for the downfall of America. It’s our lead-lined plumbing and barbarian hordes combined.

Sarah Palin: One of John McCain’s staff members, one who was involved in vetting Palin, recently described her selection as high risk, high reward. Fuck, that’s how I drafted my fantasy baseball team, it’s not how we should govern. I would be a lot saner if she just faded into obscurity.

All the people who got pissed off when Obama said that America wasn’t a Christian nation: It isn’t. Never was, hopefully never will be. Thomas Jefferson certainly wasn’t a Christian. Yeah, the money says “in God we trust,” but come on, that’s not necessarily a Christian god. If you want to, say America is a monotheistic nation; I’ll still dislike you, but I’ll be pleasantly surprised that you know a polysyllabic word. Or maybe go read the Bill of Rights.

Portugal: Xenophobic? Eh, maybe. But what has Portugal done for the world recently? They’ve made no meaningful contributions since pretty much the fifteenth century. If Christiano Ronaldo is at all indicative of the rest of Portugal, and I’m assuming he is, we can do without them.

CNN.com’s iReporter program: I can’t think of one meaningful contribution iReporter has made to my understanding of the world. Seriously, we don’t need to give a voice on cnn.com to every vapid asshole with a camera. That’s what blogspot is for.

Axis of Evil: Not the term, I’m ok with that. I’m mostly talking about Iran and North Korea. They’re both getting pretty uppity again, and I wouldn’t mind seeing them gone. While Iran is putting Americans in jail on specious accusations of espionage, the Israelis are getting ready to bomb them back to the stone age if they even hint about developing a nuclear weapon. I’m ok with that. As for North Korea, they’re doing all sorts of saber-rattling, saying that any sanctions would be regarded as an act of war. You know what else could be considered an act of war? Launching missiles and then lying about it. Crazy people don’t make good world leaders.

Stephanie Meyer: Is this the future of literate? Wikipedia actually lists her occupation as “novelist.” That’s like calling the homeless guy with a rhyming cardboard sign a poet. Somebody needs to do something; between Twilight and Napoleon Dynamite, Mormon propaganda is threatening to destroy American popular culture.

NASCAR: Stop it. I’m watching a baseball game, and FOX is trying to make me like NASCAR. It’s not going to work. And I don’t care how many backflips Carl Edwards does, he’s no Ozzie Smith. My respect for Tim McCarver increased exponentially when he just flat out said that Ozzie was better. And Joe Buck, what the hell, how can you possibly pick Edwards?!?! Jack Buck wouldn’t have put up with that garbage. Disgraceful. But back to NASCAR, it’s not entertaining, it’s just a waste of gasoline. Every time NASCAR stages a race, a Saudi oil prince smiles, and then writes a check to Hamas.

Newspapers: The internet has made them pretty much superfluous at this point. It seems like the only thing that newspapers really write about any more is the death of newspapers. I see why this would be a big deal to reporters, but it bores me. Let’s stop wasting paper.

The NBA: The NBA season started with like six teams being capable of winning the title. Attrition has whittled that number down to two, the Lakers and Cavs. Of course, the NBA is still going to go through with this whole playoffs thing, and it will dominate ESPN programming for two months, and I won’t care. Because the NBA is a joke. The officiating is farcical at best, there’s way too much whining, no one is especially interesting, and it just can’t match the intensity or entertainment of college basketball. I would not miss the NBA at all.

Brief Thoughts

I’m done my brief, 4600 words. I’m pretty sure that my guy is gonna win. Whatever. On to more important things.

The Governor of Texas is in way over his head. Secession? Really? That worked out so well the first time, didn’t it. Honestly, I’m excited about it too, and really hope they go through with it. First of all, I think America would be a better place without the Lone Star State. Too many evangelicals there. Second, and most importantly, if Texas secedes, I’m pretty sure there would be a zombie outbreak. In fact, I’m certain of it. If Texas leaves the Union again, Andrew Jackson will rise from the dead an lead an army of zombies on a rampage all the way to the Rio Grande, not stopping until he hangs or eats the brains of every secessionist down there, starting with Rick Perry.

A couple days ago a statement was made public warning about right wing extremists. This, naturally, made the right wing extremists flip out. But, uh, the more they flip out, the closer they get to doing the things that the government was warning about. Facist-leaning Republicans seem to struggle with irony. And common sense.

Oh, and they don’t really have a sense of humor either. Fox News has a really bitchy article up about how CNN and MSNBC weren’t respectful enough of their contrived tax day protest. Evidently when Sean Hannity and whoever else came up with their idiotic tea party idea, they didn’t consult any high school sophomores, who would have exposed the obvious flaw. So CNN and MSNBC did their duty as proud American institutions and made the obligatory teabagging jokes. I think that some guy named David Shuster wins the prize for most awesome mockery of Fox News and this whole endeavor, saying, "Teabagging day for the right wing and they are going nuts for it, " followed by "They want to give President Obama a strong tongue-lashing and lick government spending." You think that Fox News would catch on to the mockery, and maybe adapt, but they haven’t. In the middle of the article there is an invitation to join the forums and comment about this whole debacle. The link reads, “Click here to join the discussion on teabagging.” I swear I didn’t make any of this up.

Even Ann Coulter weighed in on this teabagging discussion, acting every bit as sanctimonious as Fox News, but with more jokes about Barney Frank. As an aside, can someone explain to me why I read Ann Coulter’s web site? I thought I was better than that. But even though I read her regularly, I can’t remember I got all the way through one of her postings; it seems every week there’s a paragraph that makes my head hurt so much I need to jump over to youtube and watch Bobby Orr highlights until the pain goes away. This week the line was, “Obama's biggest shortcoming is that he believes the things believed by all Democrats, which have had devastating consequences every time they are put into effect.” What the hell? Was Clinton’s Presidency so devastating? Certainly it wasn’t as bad as Bush’s time in office (pick whichever Bush you prefer, neither was any good). Seriously, how does she get away with making such absurd claims.

Getting back to this whole secession thing, just because it baffles me, and it’s still a big deal, people are now polling Texans about a couple of the issues here. I’m like to interpret these numbers for you. 31% of Texas voters say their state has the right to secede. From this, it stands to reason that 31% of Texas voters are mildly retarded. This figure may be low, however, because I sincerely doubt that most Texans know what the word “secede” means. 18% of Texas voters say that they would vote to leave the Union; these are more likely than not the same people that were trumpeting the phrase “’Merica! Love it or leave it!” over the last eight years. Clearly these Texans don’t love America, which must make them terrorists. You’re either with us or against us.

If Dmitry Medvedev were an American, he would vote Republican, live in Texas, watch Fox News, and probably have a lifesize cutout of Bill O’Reilly in his bedroom. But he’s not, he’s a Russian. And he’s warning NATO not to run any war games in Georgia. So, if I follow his logic, it’s ok to invade Georgia and kill a shit ton of people there, but having a military exercise in the country is way out of line. Weird.

One more Republican I don’t like (can you tell that there aren’t any stories about outer space or dinosaurs) is Norm Coleman, the guy who lost the Minnesota Senate race to Al Franken, but won’t go away. Seriously, this guy, when it seemed like he was winning, said that Franken should concede so Minnesota could be properly represented. (He really did say something like this, I just don’t feel like looking up where; if you don’t believe me look it up for yourself.) Naturally, he’s now losing, has been for months, but won’t concede. He’s pretty much burned up all his state court options, and now he’s gonna introduce a suit in federal court. I don’t think he’ll win, because, quite simply, fewer people voted for him than voted for Franken, but if it gets to the Supreme Court all bets are off; Franken could win by thousands of votes in Minnesota, but when he loses by one in Washington (and he will), he’ll be screwed.

Finally, I’m going to just briefly throw out my two cents on the debate about LeBron James that is raging over at our sister-blog, www.dauerism.wordpress.com. The Yankee hat thing doesn’t bother me, and I don’t care about all this talk about him eventually going to the Knicks. LeBron actually seems like a pretty good guy. But when his career and Dwayne Wade’s career are both over, I really want to be able to look back and say that, yeah, James was a much more talented player, but he’s no Dwayne Wade, and then point to the five NBA championships that Wade has won and the zero that James has. That would just be amusing.

Thumbs 6: The Fellowship of the Thumb

Thumbs up: John Madden. Say what you want about Madden, I love the guy and I'll miss him in the booth (especially since Chris Collinsworth will be filling in for him - - but I digress). So he mumbled and said the occasional incoherent thing. Honestly, tell me a sportscaster who doesn't say something nonsensical at least once a game. Madden's brief resume when I look back at him: the turducken; a bitchin' cameo in Little Giants and a solid caricature of himself in the Replacements; the most interesting travel habits of any human being I know; and of course 30 years in the booth and a Superbowl win.

Thumbs down: Broken penises. According to the Sun, there has been an alarming (nay, very alarming!) increase in cases of broken penises in Jamaica. And I don't mean broken like "get a hit of Viagara" broken. I mean broken like shattered. Evidently: “During very rigorous intercourse the man can hit the woman’s pubic bone and sustain a fracture. There is a loud popping sound, excruciating pain and swelling.” I would but that on the scale of terrible outcomes resulting from a sexual encounter between Herpes and having a kid. I wish that upon very few men.

Thumbs up: Deadliest Warrior. So Spike TV essentially decided to make a TV show out of possibly the greatest debate ever: who would win in a fight, a ___ or a ___? I caught the show for the first time this week, as a Viking squared off against a Samurai. I only managed to watch the second half of the show, but in that time I saw mannequin heads getting lopped off with a long sword, some weird samurai stick obliterate a shield, a guy nail two targets with two spears that he threw AT THE SAME TIME, and, finally, a reenactment of a hypothetical fight. It was awesome.

Thumbs down: Sarah Palin. Again. She’s the worst. When she first was picked as McCain’s running mate, she wanted people to talk about her family, specifically her son who was going into the army, and the baby with Downs. Then, like a week later, no one was supposed to talk about her family, cause her daughter was knocked up. And then when people tried to find out what the deal was with the father, Levi, Palin flipped out again, saying the media was destroying a young man’s life. Now, of course, Palin has reversed course again, and she’s attacking him hardcore, while Bristol preaches the merits of abstinence. But don’t worry, I figured out what’s going on here. When the North Vietnamese captured John McCain, the brainwashed him, and him bringing Sarah Palin to prominence is really just the continuation of a Cold War plot to destroy America. If she actually becomes President, it will have worked.

Thumbs Up: Must See TV. Seriously, I don't even know why any channel but NBC broadcasts anything besides a test pattern on Thursday between 8 and 10 pm. My Name is Earl is always solid and Amy Poehler could get me to watch paint dry as long as she stood in front of the camera and ran a commentary on it. For my money, you can't beat the one two punch that is The Office and 30 Rock. Tina Fey is so appealing to watch I'm going to have to make up a word for it... um... how about hysdorable? In fact, I have to give 30 Rock the edge at this point and proclaim it the funniest show on television at this moment.

Thumbs Down: Spring cleaning. It's amazing how much crap accumulates everywhere over the course of the year. At least it's your own crap when you clean your home though. When your office decides it's time to sweep out all the nooks and crannies the task is daunting. Suddenly, you're clearing out pamphlets that were made before you were born and probably printed on some combination of asbestos and mercury.

RIP Harry

I watched the Phillies game today, wasn’t going to not watch it, and it was weird. And sad. This sucks.


CSN Tribute to Harry Kalas from Mike Meech on Vimeo.

Post-Easter Post

So lots of cool things have happened over the last couple of days, the most important of which is clearly the home run Matt Stairs hit to bring the Phillies to .500. It was majestic. But on to the other things.

The biggest story, in my eyes, at least, really just makes you think “America, fuck yeah!” When the Somali pirates captured an American ship, and took the captain hostage, you kinda figured they were getting in over their heads. I mean, it’s one thing to fuck with Danish or Panamanian ships; honestly, you can probably get away with that. But the US has a pretty badass navy, and a President who has to make known that he won’t put up with shit from anyone. So we sent in the Seals, and they kicked all sorts of ass. They rescued the captain, who’s pretty much fine, killed three of the pirates, and now we even have one under arrest who can stand trial. Additionally, it must be noted that the French also tried to rescue some hostages from pirates, but didn’t do nearly as well.

The pirates, understandably, aren’t taking this so well, and have issued some threats to both the French and Americans. This really isn’t the best course of action for them. If they were smart they would just take the beating they got and go back to preying on ships for Comoros or some other country that won’t fight back. The US and France will seriously fuck them up if they get too uppity. If they actually start killing Americans, they’re gonna have to deal with the wrath of the US navy, and their AK 47s really aren’t going to be able to compete with Tomahawk cruise missiles.

Speaking of the French, it’s important to note that they’re assholes. This has manifested itself most recently, and really fairly consistently over the last like twelve years, in their treatment of Lance Armstrong. They’ve dicked him around with bullshit allegations incessantly, and they’ve never been right; he has passed every drug test he’s taken. But now it’s possible that he won’t be able to compete in the Tour de France this summer, even though he’s racing to raise global awareness about cancer. Two things have been made clear by the actions these French assholes are taking. First, the French love cancer, probably as much as they love not showering. Also, they’re afraid of Armstrong. They know he won’t lose, and they don’t want to be one-upped by an American anymore. Let’s be honest, America has been doing things better than France since America first existed. We had a Revolution for democracy, and things went pretty well; the French tried to follow in our footsteps, and mostly just a lot of heads got lopped off, and the only decent French military mind since William the Conqueror ended up exiled in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Oh, and they went back to a monarchy. Later, America decided it wanted to fuck with Mexico, and we got a ton of land out of it. When the French tried to do the same, they actually lost, getting their asses handed to them at the Battle of Puebla. In the twentieth century, France is best known for getting steamrolled by Germany, twice (seriously, the Maginot line? Great plan, dickheads; Vauban would be terribly disappointed in all of you). America bailed them out each time. Now, America is a world power, and France is mostly just fading into irrelevancy; they’ve been passed as a power by a bunch of other European and Asian countries, their soccer team isn’t that good anymore, and the Eifel Tower isn’t really anything special. Pretty much all they have left is this bike race, and they’ve been trying to take it back after Lance Armstrong had made it his bitch for seven years; clearly they’re screwing around with Lance because their national pride is dependent on it. Well, fuck them, I hope he gets to race, cause you know if they let him in there’s no way he won’t win number eight.

So since the economy is shit, local governments are doing all sorts of crazy things to raise money. And it’s bullshit. Seriously, a streetlight user fee? That’s asinine. Streetlights are there to make streets safer. The purpose of a government is to protect its people. Really, the responsibility for this falls on the government. Stop sucking.

The Pope said Mass in the Coliseum on Good Friday, and spewed some nonsense about the world being a desert of godlessness. I ignored most of that. But this part was interesting. He said that there are “many societies in the world where women fail to receive a fair deal.” Um, would one of these societies maybe be the Church? You know, the one that won’t let women be priests. Maybe the Church should work on its own discrimination before criticizing anyone else. Benedict has been pretty clear in stating that he won’t permit women to be priests. It’s pretty much bullshit that there’s a sacrament that only men can receive (nuns don’t receive Holy Orders). How is that a fair deal? Maybe it’s not as overt as marrying your eight year old daughter off to some guy in his forties to settle some debts, but it isn’t not discrimination.

Finally, Woody Harrelson is the coolest.

Thoughts on Friday's baseball games

I’m home for Easter, so I got to pay a lot more attention to baseball games that the Phillies weren’t playing in. MLB Extra Innings is awesome.

The first game yesterday was the Rangers visiting the Tigers, with Kris Benson getting the start for Texas. Last year the Phillies brought Anna Benson’s husband to training camp, and then gave him a minor league contract, hoping he would be able to rehabilitate himself enough to be an effective starter for them, cause Adam Eaton sucked. Judging by this game, it’s a pretty good thing that didn’t work out. Detroit put up 15 runs, eight off of Benson. I’m thinking that with Kris Benson as their third starter, behind Kevin Millwood and Vicente Padilla (all three former Phillies), the Rangers aren’t going to have the pitching to contend in a really terrible division. They’re gonna end up losing a lot of 9-8 games.

The Cubs played Milwaukee in kinda a weird game. Rich Harden pitched really well, as he pretty much always does when he’s healthy, but only went six innings, turning things over to the bullpen. The Cubs’ best reliever is without a doubt Carlos Marmol, and their closer is Kevin Gregg. This setup seemed to work pretty well for the Cubs in the seventh inning; down by one (maybe two, I don’t remember), the Brewers sent Ryan Braun to the plate with the bases loaded. Marmol was able to get him to fly out to right. But then the Brewers got a shot at Gregg in the ninth inning, down by one, and with some poor work in the outfield by Soriano they tied the game, in undoubtedly the first of many blown saves by Gregg. Milwaukee went on to win on a walkoff either infield single or fielder’s choice; runners on the corners, one out, groundball to Theriot, he goes home instead of trying to turn two, but the runner is able to slide in safely.

The Blue Jays and the Orioles both won, beating the winless Indians and the Rays, respectively, to stay in first and second in the AL East. They, uh, won’t finish the year there, but I’m at least excited to see Toronto once they get Marcum and McGowan back next year.

The Twins beat the White Sox, with Joe Crede, weirdly accompanied by Air Supply, homering against his old team. Carlos Quentin homered in the loss, and managed not to break anything. Dumbass. The Diamondbacks beat the Dodgers, which I suppose may turn out to be important in September, but I can’t really get worked up about it now. The Padres beat the Giants, but the only interesting thing about that game was incredible catch Scort Hairston made, robbing one of the Molinas of a home run. The Mariners beat the A’s, but since neither King Felix or Brandon Morrow pitched, I don’t care.

The Mets lost, which is nice, but the Marlins won, which sucks. Hanley Ramirez and Dan Uggla both launched animalistic home runs into empty seats. Seriously, Marlins fans suck. They have a really good team, and it’s really just an amazingly well run franchise, with so much young talent, and there are just entire sections completely empty. Against a division rival. In the first week of the season! I think it’s about time this Miami experiment ended and the Marlins go somewhere else. A team in Las Vegas could be pretty cool.

The Cardinals beat the Astros, presumably moving Ed Wade a step closer to unemployment. Albert Pujols did some stuff, showing how good he is at baseball. Kelly Johnson had a walk off single as the fucking Braves beat the Nats in ten, but he still has a girl’s name.

The Yankees beat the Royals, with Teixeira getting on base three out of four times, making the assholes who wrote the “Money for Nothing” headline after the first game of the season look even more like, well, assholes. I’m convinced that the New York media is actually more unlikeable than the Yankees. So when can we start to consider Alex Gordon a bust?

Finally, the Angels beat the Red Sox in one of the saddest games since 2001. Really though, watching the game you knew there was no way the Angels were going to lose. Sarge Jr. made a nice catch, and walked twice, but doesn’t have nearly as many hats as his father, so there’s still work to be done. Also, Boston’s alternate caps, the dangling socks, are retarded.

Cole will be fine; he missed spring training.

Thumbs 5: Look Who's Thumbing Now

Thumbs Up: Baseball. It's back, and it's awesome. My Mets won, the Phils lost (and had a fantastic comeback against the Braves), the high school team I coached looked pretty respectable in their first-ever game, and I already scored free tickets to a luxury box and will be on the field for batting practice at a major league game later this month. Long live 'Merica's pastime!

Thumbs down:The Mets. This one is painful for me, but it's necessary. If we didn't all punch our loved ones in the jaw when they messed up, we wouldn't be grown-ups. Deadspin reported earlier this week that the Mets are ending their long-standing tradition of Little League Days. They used to allow little leaguersby the thousands into particular games at discounted rates and have a pre-game parade on the field. But with fewer seats at Citi Field, it just doesn't turn enough of a profit to be brought across the parking lot from the old stadium. For shame!

Thumbs Up: Levi Johnston. Over the summer I felt bad for this kid as he was essentially dragged around as a pawn by the McCain/Gimmick campaign. But over the last week or so, I’ve really come to respect him. He’s shown no fear or hesitation in going after the most powerful person in
his state, calling her out for being a heartless, blinded by ambition, disingenuous liar.

Thumbs Down: Texans. Well, not all Texans, but definitely these four. I don’t even know if I can express how terrible what they did was, and I don’t even especially like dogs. I can’t help but wish Mr. Luttrell had gotten a clean shot.

Thumbs Up: Having Good Friday Off. I've got a lot of things to gripe about at work (see below), but non-profits do days off right. The three day weekend's all the sweeter knowing that Cadbury Cream Eggs lie at the end of it.

Thumbs Down: Shared Cubicles. Working in a cubicle is miserable enough. When you share a cubicle with two other people, though, you spend your workday constantly looking over your shoulder to see if anyone has noticed that you're dicking around on the internet. I can't even get in a decent game of freecell, damnit! I'm also the furthest one from the window, which means that another person controls when and for how long I have access to the sun. That starts to mess with your head after a while.

Exchanging Lineups: The Deleted Scenes

Here are some potential verses from Exchanging Lineups that didn't make it into the final poem. It's not that they weren't good enough. Maybe they were too good? Again, some were written by Dick, some by me, and I have to think it's pretty obvious who wrote which.

B is for Bowa
An angry shortstop.
Gold with the glove
But his bat had no pop.

C is for Carlos
Panamanian backstop.
Upped his game in the Series
Now the Phils are on top.

C is for Coste
He can hit and can write.
Despite years in the minors
Never gave up the fight.

D is for Drew
A worthless little shit
If only his face
A thrown battery’d hit

D is for Dutch
Though he is crazy now.
Travel through time
And help Mitch out somehow.

E is for Edgardo
Alfonzo and fewest errors.
His play at second
Made the 99 Mets all the better.

E is for Eckstein
His hustle and grit.
Who cares if he won’t
come through with a hit.

E is for Eyre
A midseason pickup,
Retiring lefties
With hardly a hiccup.

H is for Howard
And of course home run too.
The strike outs don’t worry me,
Nor should they you.

J is for Jimmy,
Cocky but great.
“Team to beat” are the words
That Mets fans now hate

J is for Jayson
And the balls he hits far
I hope my mom lets him out
Of the trunk of her car.

K is for Kruk
And his wondrous mullet
Like Superman’s cape
You don’t want to pull it

L is for Lidge
On the mound, top nine.
Strike three to Hinske,
Even Buck's call was fine.

M is for Moyer,
The ageless wonder.
Looking for a fastball
Is quite a blunder.

N is for Nunez,
Wes Helms and Dave Bell.
A trio of third basemen
Straight from baseball Hell.

P is for Pat,
He led the parade.
Not even with time
Will that memory fade.

P is for Pedro
In the field always scrappy.
His single in the seventh
Made the whole city happy.

Q is for Queens
Not where the Mets play
But rather their fans
All of whom are gay.

V is the Vet,
Years ago knocked down.
Count on a riot
When the Mets were in town.

W is for Wright;
His name and his swing.
His game, all-in-all,
Is a beautiful thing.

W is for World Series
The Mets and Phils both have two.
Whose team gets the next one?
Me or You?

W is for Williams,
The Wild Thing, Mitch
If only he’d never
Been brought in to pitch.

Steve Phillips is not a smart guy

Steve Phillips used to be the General Manager of the New York Mets. During his tenure, the Mets actually played in a World Series. Still, he wasn’t a very good GM. He signed players like Mo Vaughn (after he stopped being good at baseball), Bobby Bonilla (after he stopped being good at baseball), Kenny Rogers (we all know how that went), and Rickey Henderson (when he was more crazy than good). He also didn’t do so well trading players. If you want to see a Mets fan’s head explode, just bring up Scott Kazmir for Victor Zambrano. He was eventually fired, years later than he should have been. With apologies to Bill Simmons, Steve Phillips probably belongs on the terrible GM Mount Rushmore. Well, now he’s got a job as an analyst on ESPN. He’s all over the place, showing up on Baseball Tonight, the occasional SportsCenter, random games throughout the week, and, starting this season, Sunday Night Baseball, making a broadcast that prominently features Joe Morgan even less enjoyable. He does not go a good job.

Yahoo’s Roto Arcarde brings to light this gem, which in turn was brought to my attention by Jon, that Phillips dropped during one of the games he was working this week. Phillips apparently doesn’t buy into any of the statistical analyses of defense. It doesn’t seem to matter to him that they’re gaining traction with front offices throughout the majors. No, they’re all wrong because they don’t value Jeter highly enough. In fact, most measures of defense seem to suggest that Jeter sucks defensively. And really, most non-Yankee fans, and even the rare reasonable Yankee fan, acknowledge that Jeter is not a good defensive shortstop. Seriously, just go to Baseball-Reference if you don’t believe me; he’s not good defensively. Sure, he puts up good numbers with respect to fielding percentage. He handles balls hit right at him without any real problems. But he can’t move to his left. He lets so many hits go up the middle that a competent shortstop would field. The Yankees know that at some point they’re going to have to move him to a different position, possibly center field, as soon as he lets them. So probably never.

But anyway, this isn’t about how bad Jeter is defensively. No, it’s about Steve Phillips, and how he’s dumb. So Phillips doesn’t buy into any of these measurements of defensive proficiency. Why? Because they’re critical of Jeter. Steve doesn’t see any limitations to Jeter’s range. Look, I know he has a handful of Gold Gloves. He doesn’t deserve them. He pretty much made a reputation for himself as a good defensive player by diving face first into a chair and that flip to home against the A’s. But he’s not good defensively. Seriously, just watch like two Yankee games. Or even watch some of the WBC games where he was killing America. Whatever. You’ll see he’s not good. Unless you’re Steve Phillips.

No, Phillips has made up his mind that Jeter is still great, and everything else is just nonsense. I don’t know how he’s come to this conclusion, but that’s his stance. Here’s what he had to say about these statistics: "Because the statistics don't match what my eyes say, it makes me mistrust the veracity of the system." Maybe the problem is actually with his judgment. I mean, there’s got to be a reason no one else has hired him, while even Dusty Baker still gets job offers.

Thumbs 4: The Secret of the Thumbs

Thumbs Up: Parent/Teacher Conferences. Other than the fact that I was at school from 7am to 7pm last night, PTCs are like a holiday. It's the one day a year where I get to look a parent in the eye and either say, "Your kid is great - - don't go changin'" or "If I never saw your kid in my class again, it would be too late" (in so many words, of course). I get equal enjoyment out of both encounters.

Thumbs Down: Officer Dickhead who pulled over Ryan Moats. This is oldhat at this point, but I can't tell enough people how much I despise this guy. If you haven't seen the video of the encounter, head over to Deadspin and watch true douchebaggery in action as Houston's Finest give pride to the shield. Earlier this week, the officer in question resigned, but I hope he goes the way of Mike Nifong and gets a stay at Federal Pound Me in the Ass Prison.

Thumbs Up: Wiffleball. Baseball season starts Sunday, but wiffleball season has already begun. To some people spring starts when they see a robin, to others the season is ushered in by shirtless white trash. But you know spring is really here when you pull your first line drive with a bright yellow bat.

Thumbs Down: Whoever gives out the Peabody Awards. CNN got a Peabody award for their political coverage. I guess someone has to get this award, but CNN blows. As I write this, some of CNN.com’s headlines include: “Mom urges kids to chug vodka, cops say,” “First Lady, Queen embrace; tongues wag,” “Valerie Bertinelli hanging on to fat clothes,” and “Proposal diamond slips through bridge.” And these aren’t obscure headlines pulled from the depths of the site, they’re right from the front page; you don’t even need to scroll down. That’s award-winning journalism.

Thums Up: National Poetry Month. Clearly, I’m not worried about ‘Thumbs’ being a popularity contest. Poetry is quite possibly the most underappreciated art form, so get yourself some culture this month. Dust off that copy of Leaves of Grass that’s been propping up the couch’s uneven leg or the copy of The Waste Land that you haven’t touched since (or, let’s be serious, during) school and give it a once over. You might just like. And that’s coming straight from Sam-I-Am.

Thumbs Down: Conficker. Seriously, I’m not even mad at these Eastern European hackers, I’m just disappointed. April Fool’s Day came and went and all the virus did was what it’s been doing… nothing. Whatever happened to showmanship? After all the hype I was expecting a Skynet scenario. I’ll give them until the end of the month to make their slave computers self-aware and start killing household pets, otherwise I’m going to go on record and call them punk-asses.