Spring Cleaning

This is nothing like the spring cleaning that Winston was whining about Friday, it’s a lot more speculative. Right now the Washington post has ten things that they would get rid of in a world-wide spring cleaning. The ten things that the Post writers would do away with are the Nobel Prize in Literature, the NAACP, the White House Press Corps, Tenure, the Prom, the term “Muslim World,” Larry Summers, the Vice-Presidency, Television, and West Point. They have essays up about each one of those things if you’re especially interested; I wasn’t, and only read the one about the Nobel Prize, so I won’t be talking about their decisions. Instead, I’ve come up with a list of ten things that I would like to see be swept off the planet.

Twitter: Ok, so now Oprah has a Twitter, Ashton Kutcher has a million people following him, but this is plagued by controversy, and all of this is considered to be news. What the fuck? You cannot convince me that Twitter won’t be responsible for the downfall of America. It’s our lead-lined plumbing and barbarian hordes combined.

Sarah Palin: One of John McCain’s staff members, one who was involved in vetting Palin, recently described her selection as high risk, high reward. Fuck, that’s how I drafted my fantasy baseball team, it’s not how we should govern. I would be a lot saner if she just faded into obscurity.

All the people who got pissed off when Obama said that America wasn’t a Christian nation: It isn’t. Never was, hopefully never will be. Thomas Jefferson certainly wasn’t a Christian. Yeah, the money says “in God we trust,” but come on, that’s not necessarily a Christian god. If you want to, say America is a monotheistic nation; I’ll still dislike you, but I’ll be pleasantly surprised that you know a polysyllabic word. Or maybe go read the Bill of Rights.

Portugal: Xenophobic? Eh, maybe. But what has Portugal done for the world recently? They’ve made no meaningful contributions since pretty much the fifteenth century. If Christiano Ronaldo is at all indicative of the rest of Portugal, and I’m assuming he is, we can do without them.

CNN.com’s iReporter program: I can’t think of one meaningful contribution iReporter has made to my understanding of the world. Seriously, we don’t need to give a voice on cnn.com to every vapid asshole with a camera. That’s what blogspot is for.

Axis of Evil: Not the term, I’m ok with that. I’m mostly talking about Iran and North Korea. They’re both getting pretty uppity again, and I wouldn’t mind seeing them gone. While Iran is putting Americans in jail on specious accusations of espionage, the Israelis are getting ready to bomb them back to the stone age if they even hint about developing a nuclear weapon. I’m ok with that. As for North Korea, they’re doing all sorts of saber-rattling, saying that any sanctions would be regarded as an act of war. You know what else could be considered an act of war? Launching missiles and then lying about it. Crazy people don’t make good world leaders.

Stephanie Meyer: Is this the future of literate? Wikipedia actually lists her occupation as “novelist.” That’s like calling the homeless guy with a rhyming cardboard sign a poet. Somebody needs to do something; between Twilight and Napoleon Dynamite, Mormon propaganda is threatening to destroy American popular culture.

NASCAR: Stop it. I’m watching a baseball game, and FOX is trying to make me like NASCAR. It’s not going to work. And I don’t care how many backflips Carl Edwards does, he’s no Ozzie Smith. My respect for Tim McCarver increased exponentially when he just flat out said that Ozzie was better. And Joe Buck, what the hell, how can you possibly pick Edwards?!?! Jack Buck wouldn’t have put up with that garbage. Disgraceful. But back to NASCAR, it’s not entertaining, it’s just a waste of gasoline. Every time NASCAR stages a race, a Saudi oil prince smiles, and then writes a check to Hamas.

Newspapers: The internet has made them pretty much superfluous at this point. It seems like the only thing that newspapers really write about any more is the death of newspapers. I see why this would be a big deal to reporters, but it bores me. Let’s stop wasting paper.

The NBA: The NBA season started with like six teams being capable of winning the title. Attrition has whittled that number down to two, the Lakers and Cavs. Of course, the NBA is still going to go through with this whole playoffs thing, and it will dominate ESPN programming for two months, and I won’t care. Because the NBA is a joke. The officiating is farcical at best, there’s way too much whining, no one is especially interesting, and it just can’t match the intensity or entertainment of college basketball. I would not miss the NBA at all.

Thumbs 6: The Fellowship of the Thumb

Thumbs up: John Madden. Say what you want about Madden, I love the guy and I'll miss him in the booth (especially since Chris Collinsworth will be filling in for him - - but I digress). So he mumbled and said the occasional incoherent thing. Honestly, tell me a sportscaster who doesn't say something nonsensical at least once a game. Madden's brief resume when I look back at him: the turducken; a bitchin' cameo in Little Giants and a solid caricature of himself in the Replacements; the most interesting travel habits of any human being I know; and of course 30 years in the booth and a Superbowl win.

Thumbs down: Broken penises. According to the Sun, there has been an alarming (nay, very alarming!) increase in cases of broken penises in Jamaica. And I don't mean broken like "get a hit of Viagara" broken. I mean broken like shattered. Evidently: “During very rigorous intercourse the man can hit the woman’s pubic bone and sustain a fracture. There is a loud popping sound, excruciating pain and swelling.” I would but that on the scale of terrible outcomes resulting from a sexual encounter between Herpes and having a kid. I wish that upon very few men.

Thumbs up: Deadliest Warrior. So Spike TV essentially decided to make a TV show out of possibly the greatest debate ever: who would win in a fight, a ___ or a ___? I caught the show for the first time this week, as a Viking squared off against a Samurai. I only managed to watch the second half of the show, but in that time I saw mannequin heads getting lopped off with a long sword, some weird samurai stick obliterate a shield, a guy nail two targets with two spears that he threw AT THE SAME TIME, and, finally, a reenactment of a hypothetical fight. It was awesome.

Thumbs down: Sarah Palin. Again. She’s the worst. When she first was picked as McCain’s running mate, she wanted people to talk about her family, specifically her son who was going into the army, and the baby with Downs. Then, like a week later, no one was supposed to talk about her family, cause her daughter was knocked up. And then when people tried to find out what the deal was with the father, Levi, Palin flipped out again, saying the media was destroying a young man’s life. Now, of course, Palin has reversed course again, and she’s attacking him hardcore, while Bristol preaches the merits of abstinence. But don’t worry, I figured out what’s going on here. When the North Vietnamese captured John McCain, the brainwashed him, and him bringing Sarah Palin to prominence is really just the continuation of a Cold War plot to destroy America. If she actually becomes President, it will have worked.

Thumbs Up: Must See TV. Seriously, I don't even know why any channel but NBC broadcasts anything besides a test pattern on Thursday between 8 and 10 pm. My Name is Earl is always solid and Amy Poehler could get me to watch paint dry as long as she stood in front of the camera and ran a commentary on it. For my money, you can't beat the one two punch that is The Office and 30 Rock. Tina Fey is so appealing to watch I'm going to have to make up a word for it... um... how about hysdorable? In fact, I have to give 30 Rock the edge at this point and proclaim it the funniest show on television at this moment.

Thumbs Down: Spring cleaning. It's amazing how much crap accumulates everywhere over the course of the year. At least it's your own crap when you clean your home though. When your office decides it's time to sweep out all the nooks and crannies the task is daunting. Suddenly, you're clearing out pamphlets that were made before you were born and probably printed on some combination of asbestos and mercury.