Thumbs 6: The Fellowship of the Thumb

Thumbs up: John Madden. Say what you want about Madden, I love the guy and I'll miss him in the booth (especially since Chris Collinsworth will be filling in for him - - but I digress). So he mumbled and said the occasional incoherent thing. Honestly, tell me a sportscaster who doesn't say something nonsensical at least once a game. Madden's brief resume when I look back at him: the turducken; a bitchin' cameo in Little Giants and a solid caricature of himself in the Replacements; the most interesting travel habits of any human being I know; and of course 30 years in the booth and a Superbowl win.

Thumbs down: Broken penises. According to the Sun, there has been an alarming (nay, very alarming!) increase in cases of broken penises in Jamaica. And I don't mean broken like "get a hit of Viagara" broken. I mean broken like shattered. Evidently: “During very rigorous intercourse the man can hit the woman’s pubic bone and sustain a fracture. There is a loud popping sound, excruciating pain and swelling.” I would but that on the scale of terrible outcomes resulting from a sexual encounter between Herpes and having a kid. I wish that upon very few men.

Thumbs up: Deadliest Warrior. So Spike TV essentially decided to make a TV show out of possibly the greatest debate ever: who would win in a fight, a ___ or a ___? I caught the show for the first time this week, as a Viking squared off against a Samurai. I only managed to watch the second half of the show, but in that time I saw mannequin heads getting lopped off with a long sword, some weird samurai stick obliterate a shield, a guy nail two targets with two spears that he threw AT THE SAME TIME, and, finally, a reenactment of a hypothetical fight. It was awesome.

Thumbs down: Sarah Palin. Again. She’s the worst. When she first was picked as McCain’s running mate, she wanted people to talk about her family, specifically her son who was going into the army, and the baby with Downs. Then, like a week later, no one was supposed to talk about her family, cause her daughter was knocked up. And then when people tried to find out what the deal was with the father, Levi, Palin flipped out again, saying the media was destroying a young man’s life. Now, of course, Palin has reversed course again, and she’s attacking him hardcore, while Bristol preaches the merits of abstinence. But don’t worry, I figured out what’s going on here. When the North Vietnamese captured John McCain, the brainwashed him, and him bringing Sarah Palin to prominence is really just the continuation of a Cold War plot to destroy America. If she actually becomes President, it will have worked.

Thumbs Up: Must See TV. Seriously, I don't even know why any channel but NBC broadcasts anything besides a test pattern on Thursday between 8 and 10 pm. My Name is Earl is always solid and Amy Poehler could get me to watch paint dry as long as she stood in front of the camera and ran a commentary on it. For my money, you can't beat the one two punch that is The Office and 30 Rock. Tina Fey is so appealing to watch I'm going to have to make up a word for it... um... how about hysdorable? In fact, I have to give 30 Rock the edge at this point and proclaim it the funniest show on television at this moment.

Thumbs Down: Spring cleaning. It's amazing how much crap accumulates everywhere over the course of the year. At least it's your own crap when you clean your home though. When your office decides it's time to sweep out all the nooks and crannies the task is daunting. Suddenly, you're clearing out pamphlets that were made before you were born and probably printed on some combination of asbestos and mercury.