Howard Bryant is Prolifically Stupid

Dude, give it a rest already.

If you happen to be Sammy Sosa or Alex Rodriguez, or even Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds or Rafael Palmeiro, at this point, invincibility has been your best friend. You won. You got away with it. The large majority of your peers, your bosses and the people who pay to watch you play the game agree that using anabolic substances is cheating. On March 17, 2005, Sosa and Palmeiro testified to the House Government Reform Committee that using steroids was cheating.

Yet, you've all been caught and faced no sanction.

Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. More wrong than a dog fucking a donkey sucking on your mother's toes (and that shit is real wrong).

The jury is still out on Sosa and Rodriguez. At the very least, their images have been permanently altered; for Sosa, his 2005 Congressional testimony is already being reexamined, seemingly with the likelihood that perjury charges could be brought. Those two have been outed too recently though to really analyze the situation.

Unless of course you're Howard Bryant and you only need 4 days to write 2 articles analyzing what everyone and their mother already new about Sosa. Then you can draw as many conclusions as you like.

As for the others, we're past the point where we can say they got away scott-free. Roger Clemens is still under investigation by the FBI and a Grand Jury was convened to consider indicting him with perjury charges. That sounds exactly like the retirement I always envisioned for myself.

Barry Bonds, the all-time home run leader in MLB history, could not find a team to play for while he was still willing. Oh, and he's also under federal indictment for perjury. Man, I wish I got to relax like millionaire ex-baseball players do...

So far Rafael Palmeiro has the best case for being "untouchable." Except for the fact that he'll almost assuredly be the first player with 3,000+ hits and 500+ home runs not to be inducted on his first ballot. Oh, and he used Viagra.

Perhaps the Hall of Fame voters will punish you when it is time for induction, but from the institutions that matter -- Major League Baseball and the National Baseball Hall of Fame -- silence has governed.

Comprehending the second-greatest organizational failure in the history of the game has been left as an individual choice.

The second greatest organizational failure, eh? Then what was the first?

There is nothing clean about the steroids disaster. The commissioner is...

Nope, that's still the steroid scandal. Skip ahead, skip ahead...

The two greatest organizational failures in baseball history have closely mirrored the larger society.

Right. You mentioned that already. What's the other one?

The first -- the 60-plus years of segregated baseball -- reflected the unfortunate attitudes of the times.

Phew! That one took a while!

And are you sure about that, Sparky? First, isn't that more of an organizational failure for America than it is for baseball? It's not like everyone was walking around holding hands and we weren't telling people where they could stand, sit, eat, or shit and we weren't burning crosses on people's lawns and we weren't chastising mixed marriages and baseball was the only one saying you can't play with us. All of those things were happening all of the time, in and out of baseball.

And! Branch Rickey signed Jackie Robinson to a minor league deal in 1945 and brought him up to the majors in 1947 a full 7 years before Brown v. BOE of Topeka. So how exactly is that a failure on baseball's part? Wasn't baseball more trailblazing than they were failing?

The second -- the cynical, industrywide [sic] choice of money over integrity -- not only has poisoned baseball in the form of a runaway PED scandal but also has damaged institutions such as Wall Street and the banking industry.

You heard it here first (well, really, second because Howard Bryant keeps bringing up the same, tired, woefully inaccurate point, but I think you get my meaning) - - Major League Baseball is the reason why you had to foreclose on your house!

Did baseball choose money over integrity? Youbetcha. Was it the first time in history? Sub-question: are you out of your fucking mind?! I can count on one hand the number of times someone chose integrity over money.

And Jose Canseco offering steroids to every man, woman, and child in the 90s did not cause Wall Street to become greedier or GM to keep shitty books.

Now some tired stuff about how baseball says they want to move on, the cheaters are still getting away with it - - essentially everything he said in his article from two days prior - - so we'll just skip all of that.

Does management really want to rid the game of performance enhancers? If it does, here is what baseball should do:

Oh this should be good. This article is only 5 years removed from when every sports rag had to peddle a similar article out there. OK, Howie - - lay your innovation on me.

1. Selig must place any player found to have used anabolic substances on baseball's ineligible list for at least a portion of his Hall of Fame eligibility. Keeping players out of the Hall of Fame is the only language players understand. Because of the money, they are untouchable.

So is it money that players respond to or is it the HoF? This whole time the greed of the MLB has caused all of America's problems, but now the revolving doors of the Hall of Fame (which are remarkably non-revolving) are the roost cause of inflation.

The commissioner needs to create a sliding punitive scale: 10 years on the ineligible list after the last active game for the 104 players whose names were on the 2003 survey testing list or in the Mitchell report or who violated the league policy from 2004 to 2009; lifetime ban for anyone caught using steroids starting in the 2010 season.

I really want to see who was on that 2003 survey list. But, it would be a really shitty thing to keep those players from the Hall of Fame. Why? Because they said they wouldn't get in trouble! Interesting strategy here, Cotton: let's have the MLB lie to improve it's moral standing.

Bryant adds something about character and integrity and writing on HoF plaques, which aren't altogether terrible insights, but I'm really sick of reading his article.

Let's part with this:

Such steps are not perfect, but they represent a start beyond the talk, a stronger deterrent for players. And in some way, they address the areas important to the public: the Hall of Fame and the idea that players not only escaped punishment but were rewarded for doing so.

Howard Bryant is really pimping this retribution thing hard! Are you starting to hear the jealousy in his voice like I am? One thing's for sure: if steroids could make you a better writer, Howard Bryant would be all hopped up on that shit. And I would have to say they certainly couldn't hurt at this point.

This is great - - give me more!

Hey, how's it goin? Long time no see. Hope you've been doing well since the last time I posted. Oh what's that? There's still only 4 people who read this site? I'll hold off on the pleasantries then.

More news about A-Rod today, and much of it is awesome. Turns out he's covering up his lies with more lies, and every day finds himself buried under a bigger mountain of deceit.

After the report of his alleged steroid use came out, he "confessed" (and I'm forced to use that term lightly now) that he stopped using in 2003, that he was unaware of what he was using, and that he was essentially trying to fit in with all of the cool kids in Texas.

False. (Allegedly).

However, none of the news that came out today was particularly alarming, save perhaps that it's highly likely A-Rod used steroids in high school. If he really did gain 25 lbs of muscle between his sophomore and junior years, I would vote that it's impossible that he didn't use steroids, but we'll say it's possible for now. The only reason we find this surprising is because for most of us, Rodriguez is (still on some level) the wunderkind of recent memory. He was the youngest member of a young and exciting (and very likable) Mariners team that took on the Yankee beast in the 90s. We were prepared from Day 1 to watch his meteoric rise to the top of the all-time record sheet, and our naivete in assuming he could do it without enhancement was spurred on by his young age and youthful visage. I think we're still reeling from that.

Further, when dealing with such an image-obsessed, egomaniacal pro-athlete, we can't really be surprised that he had a harem of women across the country or even that he was tipping off pitches to other players to receive tips in return and pad his stats. Baseball is a numbers business, and a reasonably intelligent man such as A-Rod can draw the straight, logical line between stats and dollars quite easily. I don't find any of this shocking.

Really the surprising news today is more that we're still only hearing about A-Rod. Remember when he was first outed as a steroid user, it was because his name was part of a list of 104 positive tests from other major league players. That was on February 7th. It's two months later and we've gotten precisely 0 other names on that list.

What the hell?! A-Rod becomes less likable with every news story that comes out, but why is he getting railroaded for a generation of steroid users? Why is he being punished for being better than everyone else?

You want this to happen as much as I do. I want to hear about more people getting embarrassing nicknames. I'll see you Bitch Tits for A-Rod, and raise you Silver Dollars, Saucy Nips, Tiny Balls, Backne, Crater Face, Hulk, Ass Cyst, Mega Dome and whatever other off-color nicknames can arise from the physical maladies associated with steroid use.

There are enough players that I love to hate; I really want to have better nicknames for them.

PROGRAM ALERT!

At 10pm exactly, in typical do-you-know-where-your-children-are fashion, ESPN informed me of a program alert: "Sportscenter will be coming on next. Sportscenter will be coming on next. Sportscenter will be coming on next."

Can't fault a company for telling its audience that it's moneymaker is about to hit the booty-do, but let's look at this a little more critically, shall we?

This wasn't just 10pm on a Monday, this was 10pm during the Border War basketball match-up that was tied with about 45 seconds remaining. If some sports fan turned on ESPN at that point in search of our beloved and beleaguered Sportscenter (in other words, highlights and news about sport and great sports games), I don't think they would have been distressed to find a great sports game happening in its stead.

And if they were, two things would have happened. One, they could have clicked off for a second to see what was coming on Nick-at-Nite, and then switch back 5 minutes later (if they really were interested in getting their highlight fix).

Or two, they would remember that this airing of Sportscenter would be exactly like the one airing at 6pm and marginally, if not unnoticeably, different than every Sportscenter for the last 2 days and for seemingly the next 5 weeks - - A-Rod, A-Roid, A-Fraud, and A-Hole. On and on, ad infinitum. What were you really updating me on? "The same thing will be continuing shortly. The same thing will be continuing shortly. The same thing will be continuing shortly."