A Nagging Issue

This has bothered me for a long time and I finally did something about it at work today. Every year we seem to be floored by the newest "highest grossing movie ever." Simultaneously, the price of a movie ticket (and the price of everything else) keeps going up. This is not a coincidence.

I'm sure that others have assembled lists of the highest-grossing movies of all time that have been adjusted for inflation, but most of the ones I've seen have only adjusted for inflation based on movie ticket prices, which I don't think tells the whole story. Regardless, the rankings we always hear reported are undoubtedly in nominal dollars. To wit, from Wikipedia:


(Sorry the table is messed up, Blogger and I don't agree on formatting sometimes)

Top 50 Movies by Gross Nominal Box Office

1 Avatar $2,783,165,628 (2009)
2 Titanic $1,843,201,268 (1997)
3 The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King $1,119,110,941 (2003)
4 Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest $1,066,179,725 (2006)
5 Toy Story 3 $1,063,165,731 (2010)
6 Alice in Wonderland $1,024,299,801 (2010)
7 The Dark Knight $1,001,921,825 (2008)
8 Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone $974,733,550 (2001)
9 Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End $963,420,425 (2007)
10 Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1 $954,501,070 (2010)
11 Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix $938,212,738 (2007)
12 Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince $933,959,197 (2009)
13 The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers $925,282,504 (2002)
14 Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace $924,317,558 (1999)
15 Shrek 2 $919,838,758 (2004)
16 Jurassic Park $914,691,118 (1993)
17 Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides $907,423,683 (2011)
18 Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire $895,921,036 (2005)
19 Spider-Man 3 $890,871,626 (2007)
20 Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs $886,686,817 (2009)
21 Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets $878,643,482 (2002)
22 The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring $870,761,744 (2001)
23 Finding Nemo $867,893,978 (2003)
24 Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith $848,754,768 (2005)
25 Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen $836,297,228 (2009)
26 Inception $823,576,195 (2010)
27 Spider-Man $821,708,551 (2002)
28 Independence Day $817,400,891 (1996)
29 Shrek the Third $798,958,162 (2007)
30 Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban $795,634,070 (2004)
31 E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial $792,910,554 (1982)
32 Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull $786,636,033 (2008)
33 The Lion King $783,841,776 (1994)
34 Spider-Man 2 $783,766,341 (2004)
35 Star Wars $775,398,007 (1977)
36 2012 $769,304,749 (2009)
37 The Da Vinci Code $758,239,851 (2006)
38 Shrek Forever After $752,600,867 (2010)
39 The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe $745,011,272 (2005)
40 The Matrix Reloaded $742,128,461 (2003)
41 Up $731,342,744 (2009)
42 The Twilight Saga: New Moon $709,711,008 (2009)
43 Transformers $709,709,780 (2007)
44 The Twilight Saga: Eclipse $698,491,347 (2010)
45 Forrest Gump $677,387,716 (1994)
46 The Sixth Sense $672,806,292 (1999)
47 Ice Age: The Meltdown $655,388,158 (2006)
48 Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl $654,264,015 (2003)
49 Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones $649,398,328 (2002)
50 Kung Fu Panda $631,744,560 (2008)

The average year of release from this list is 2004. The median year? 2006. So, in other words, if we look at box office lists in nominal terms, without accounting for rising costs due to the natural forces of inflation, the vast majority of the most (financially) successful movies have been made in the last decade.

But instinctively, you know this is wrong. You know that some of the most successful (read: financially and otherwise) movies were made decades ago; many of which will never be surpassed in importance. You also know that costs have gone up in the last decade since the release of the first installment in the LOTR series (#22 above) and even more so since E.T. came out in 1982 (#31). So isn't it much more impressive that these movies are able to make it as high up on the list when they're climbing uphill against the forces of economics?

Yes. It is.

So I compiled a new list, adjusted for inflation (based on the Consumer Price Index) so that everything is according to 2005 USD. However, some very successful but older movies were obviously trounced so hard by recent nominal dollars that they didn't make the Top 50 above and simply rearranging that list won't give us an objective ranking.

To account for this, I turned back to my head researcher (read: Wikipedia) and looked at the highest-grossing movie for each individual year, adjusted those to $2005 as well, and merged them into the list. I realize this isn't perfect as it doesn't account for years in which two movies were very financially successful, but there's only so much of the day to burn through at work. Apologies.


Top 50 Movies by Gross Real (2005 USD) Box Office

1 Gone with the Wind $4,599,729,414 (1939)
2 Bambi $2,760,032,508 (1942)
3 Avatar $2,520,298,495 (2009)
4 Titanic $2,169,748,403 (1997)
5 Star Wars $2,067,728,019 (1977)
6 The Exorcist $1,604,478,032 (1973)
7 Jaws $1,445,938,556 (1975)
8 The Sound of Music $1,436,818,705 (1965)
9 E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial $1,435,132,224 (1982)
10 The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King $1,185,247,766 (2003)
11 Jurassic Park $1,165,508,560 (1993)
12 The Empire Strikes Back $1,143,775,371 (1980)
13 One Hundred and One Dalmatians $1,142,826,967 (1961)
14 Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace $1,060,362,003 (1999)
15 Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone $1,049,017,551 (2001)
16 Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest $1,030,922,186 (2006)
17 The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers $1,000,413,563 (2002)
18 Grease $985,735,418 (1978)
19 The Jungle Book $980,674,664 (1967)
20 Independence Day $979,862,013 (1996)
21 The Lion King $978,090,562 (1994)
22 Pinocchio $968,438,701 (1940)
23 The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring $956,986,201 (2001)
24 Toy Story 3 $955,482,817 (2010)
25 Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets $949,987,547 (2002)
26 Shrek 2 $949,854,149 (2004)
27 Shrek the Third $940,504,016 (2007)
28 The Godfather $930,396,397 (1972)
29 Alice in Wonderland $920,553,429 (2010)
30 The Dark Knight $919,363,025 (2008)
31 Finding Nemo $919,184,472 (2003)
32 Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End $904,280,482 (2007)
33 Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire $895,921,036 (2005)
34 Spider-Man $888,429,615 (2002)
35 Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix $880,620,178 (2007)
36 Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1 $857,824,274 (2010)
37 Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith $848,754,768 (2005)
38 Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince $845,747,711 (2009)
39 Forrest Gump $845,255,448 (1994)
40 Spider-Man 3 $836,185,119 (2007)
41 Return of the Jedi $823,693,095 (1983)
42 Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban $821,596,520 (2004)
43 Spider-Man 2 $809,341,533 (2004)
44 Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides $804,810,362 (2011)
45 Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs $802,940,158 (2009)
46 The Matrix Reloaded $785,986,508 (2003)
47 The Sixth Sense $771,832,387 (1999)
48 Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen $757,309,814 (2009)
49 The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe $745,011,272 (2005)
50 Raiders of the Lost Ark $742,874,597 (1981)

Average release year for this list backs up a decade to 1993. Median release is 2002. Though this is still far to the modern side of the movie-making timeline, that weighting is understandable due to the relatively recent invention of the Summer Blockbuster and the latest binge on high-budget (broad-base, large-profit) comic book films, let alone new ways of raising even more revenue, namely IMAX theaters and 3-D and digital projection premiums. Again, I suspect this average year would creep back into the past even further if I were to incorporate more than just the highest-earning film from any given year (though it is also possible that the new revenue streams I just mentioned would account for this and even things out).

Things that I like about this new list:
-It certainly gives you a better idea of cinematic quality in addition to financial success. Of the Top 10 films in the inflation-adjusted list, only Bambi wasn't nominated for Best Picture. Only 4 of the Nominal Top 10 were nominated (due in part to the utter domination of the Harry Potter series). The extent to which the Academy actually determines cinematic quality will be left un-debated at this time.

-It knocked Transformers down dozens of needed pegs.

-Raiders of the Lost Ark sneaks on.

-I, at least, get a better understanding of the societal impact of some of these movies. I have never thought Gone With the Wind was as good as everyone else thought, but you can begin to tell how important a movie it was for its time. The average income in the US in 1939 was less than $20,000, a gallon of gas cost 10 cents, and GWtW pulled in almost $4.6 billion?! I find this so astounding that I doubt the numbers on Wikipedia, but to the best of my knowledge, those are box office receipts and not all-time revenue.

-The Godfather also makes it on. How its usual absence hasn't provoked another baptism scene is beyond me.

-This is also a good reminder about monetary value, generally. Too often, political discourse fails to point out the impact of inflation as it pertains to everything from the debt and deficit to public sector salaries to the price of a gallon of gas. I think this is an intuitive way to realize the impact of changing conditions when making comparisons across time.

Things that I don't like about this list:
-Transformers is still on the list.


I'm sure there are many more interesting observations that can be pulled out of here, but I don't have the time to analyze now. I might check back on it later. In the meantime, perhaps creating two lists of some of the more successful movies of all time will result in some much-needed search traffic and welcome analysis from others.

All Star Team

The Phillies have been playing the Nationals this weekend, and it’s been going well. The Nationals are not a good team. I thought about how they could be better. First, they should accept that they’re not going to win this year, and actually let the younger players play. They never should have sent Milledge down, that was just idiotic. And now he has a broken hand. But then I started thinking about how cool it would be if someone could have Roy Hobbs play for them. That naturally led to me making an entire team of fictional movie baseball players. Way too much time and thought went into this:

Leading off and playing center field is Willie Mays Hayes, who’s just a pure leadoff hitter. He has great speed, both on the bases and in the outfield.

Batting second and playing third base is Benny the Jet Rodriguez. He’s pretty much the perfect choice to hit second, for his ability to move runners. If he was able to put a ball right into Smalls’ glove, he’ll be able to hit behind a runner or second, or take advantage of the hole that would open up with a first baseman holding Hayes. He also has a lot of speed, just look at that nickname, and will spend a lot of time on base.

Batting third is my shortstop, and possibly the best hitter on the team, Joe Hardy. If a guy sells his soul to the Devil for his ability, he better be great, and Hardy was, hitting over .500 in a stacked American League. Seriously, Satan-given talent, he’s good.

The cleanup hitter in this lineup was probably the easiest choice to make, right fielder Roy Hobbs. When he walks down the street people look up and say, “There goes Roy Hobbs, the best there ever was in this game.” You know you’re hearing the music in your head right now.

Protecting Hobbs in the lineup is another power hitter, first baseman Clue Haywood. Although he couldn’t lead the Yankees past the Indians for the pennant, he did hit for the Triple Crown. He’s an intimidating veteran presence in the lineup.

Batting sixth is the catcher, Crash Davis. I have issues with Bull Durham. Davis was a switch-hitting catcher with power from both sides of the plate. There’s no way he wouldn’t have had a major league career. It just doesn’t make sense.

For the seventh spot in the lineup, I’m shifting a natural centerfielder to left: Kelly Leak. Yeah, he’s young, but there’s a lot of upside here. I mean, he hit over .800 for the Bears. Plus, he has a Harley.

The eighth spot in this lineup, second baseman, was the hardest to fill. I ended up choosing Tanner Boyle, converting him from shortstop. He’s young, but really not all that good. Really, I see him as the David Eckstein of this team. He’s gritty, plays hard, and is hilariously offensive. I don’t know if that last part is true for Eckstein, but I like to think it is.

The ninth spot in the order is filled by the pitcher. If I’m making up a team, it’s a given there won’t be a DH. It’s un-American.

The ace of my pitching staff is Billy Chapel. If someone can throw a perfect game in his last career start, there’s something special there. Hall of Famer.

The second starter, the Sain to Chapel’s Spahn, is another Hall of Famer, Henry Wiggen. Also, it doesn’t hurt that he’s a pretty good guy.

The third spot in the rotation goes to another young player with a lot of upside, Nuke LaLoosh. Having Davis on this team will really help him reach his potential.

The fourth starter may be somewhat controversial, but is really just a winner, and deserves a spot on this team. Kit Keller may not have the ability of Nuke or some of the other starters, but she’s a competitor.

Rounding out the rotation is another veteran presence, Chet Steadman. He may not be The Rocket anymore, but he can still put batters away.

Closing for the team, which as I type this really needs a name, will be Rick Vaughn. His nickname is the Wild Thing, he needs to close. He even has a theme song!

Also in the bullpen are Henry Rowengardner, John Rhoades, Duke Temple, Jim Bowers, who in addition to being a good reliever is a great clubhouse presence, and Mel Clark, who hopefully will be just as good without Angels backing him up.

On the bench are Moonlight Graham (I broke my one rule about real people because I really wanted him on this team. He’s gotta play at some point.), Pedro Serrano, Marla Hooch, The Whammer, Jake Taylor, and Lou Collins.

Managing this team is another easy decision: Jimmy Dugan. I’m pretty sure this team is unbeatable.

I guess I'll concede... that you're a dumbass

Wow. I can’t believe this. It’s inconceivable that one person could be so wrong so consistently. Dick, you’re like the Ann Coulter of the Mighty Ducks. I feel like I need to address the few “points” you made in this reply, because, unsurprisingly, they’re wrong.

First, you say that Conway was the one that was challenging Bombay to be great. That’s ridiculous. Throughout the whole first movie, Bombay was mostly driven by a desire to get into Charlie’s mom’s pants, and that’s not really so attributable to Charlie.

Then, you point to Charlie’s leadership, saying he welcomed Banks to the team “on behalf of the Ducks.” What you fail to mention is that his teammates nevertheless shun Banks until he proves himself on the ice. In fact, as Charlie is saying this, one of the Hall brothers is pushing him back to shut him up, and then calls Banks a cake-eater. Clearly, Charlie was not the respected locker room presence you make him out to be.

As far as Conway’s penalty shot goal goes, it should also be pointed out that after he was pulled down on the breakaway, when the team is gathered by the bench waiting for Bombay to say who will take the shot, Charlie’s teammates don’t want Charlie to shoot. They’re appalled by the suggestion. Even Charlie is shocked by the decision, preferring to defer to a different player, I think Jesse Hall, but that might not be exactly right. Maybe it was Averman. Anyway, the point still stands that in the pivotal point of his hockey career, Conway didn’t want to lead his team, and his team didn’t want him to either.

You then ask me to find an instance of Banks sacrificing for his team as Conway did. While I can do this easily, and Banks playing through the wrist injury in D2 until Bombay finds out leaps to mind (“just imagine how well you would play with two wrists”) it’s not an apt comparison. Charlie was able to sacrifice like this, giving up his spot in the lineup, because he was an easily replaceable role player; Banks was a superstar, not so easily replaced. Banks is like Gretzky, Conway just another Dave Semenko.

Moving on, you say that Conway was such a great leader that he was given the C by Coach Orion at Eden Hall. Conveniently, you fail to mention that he abandoned his team, leaving them behind to ride roller coasters and puke in trashcans. That’s not a leader.

Finally, you cite the order in which Wikipedia credits the Ducks for their win over the varsity, which is just a terribly stupid idea. If Vincent LaRusso had gone on to star in Dawson’s Creek Banks would undoubtedly be credited first here. Seriously, I can’t believe I’ve wasted so much time on this today. Banks is without a doubt the most valuable Duck.

No loyalty in baseball? I'm not so sure.

Mr. Gerber has made a compelling argument that Dottie did not purposely drop the ball in the last inning of the AAGPBL World Series, but I remain unconvinced. I’m not going to fight him about this, though, because truthfully I can’t make up my mind about it. However, I am going to take issue with his last statement, the underlying theme of his argument, that Dottie loved the game more than she loved Kit.

When taking the whole movie into account, the answer to this question is painfully obvious: Kit meant immeasurably more to Dottie than baseball did. Dottie did not want to play professional ball at all, she was only persuaded to sign up so that Kit could make the team as well. That is not how someone who was driven by a passion for baseball would act, not even a little. Her husband was over seas, she had nothing really tying her to her home preventing her from playing, and she still would only join up at her sister’s urging.

We again see Dottie’s lack of commitment to baseball when her husband returns from the war in the middle of the playoffs. Not only does she entertain the notion of ditching her team to go back to Oregon, she actually does it! It is only miles down the road that force of her commitment to the Peaches pulls her back to the team. If she truly had the passion for baseball that Dick claims she had, she would have gotten her husband tickets to the remaining games and would have tried to go home with him after game seven, as a champion, without any hesitation. But she wavered. Chase Utley never would have wavered.

Gerber says that Kit wanted it more than Dottie, and that enabled her to jar the ball loose. He’s half right: Kit did want to win the Series more than Dottie did. But this was because Dottie was never really all that interested in winning it at all. If Dottie had really wanted to win she would have had the ball in her glove, not her bare hand, and would have put the tag right in Kit’s face.

Time and again we see Dottie putting others ahead of herself: she joins the league for Kit, she puts her dream life on hold for her teammates, and, finally, she drops the ball for her sister. And yes, I’ve convinced myself of this in the last five paragraphs.

But anyway, there’s one more pressing concern that I have here: why on earth were the Peaches not playing a no-doubles defense? The outfielder never should have let Kit’s liner go over her head, it’s inexcusable.

Greatness: A treatise

This is old, but it's been requested, so I figured I would throw it up here. I wrote it about three years ago, but some of it is still good. Part of it was slightly modernized.

Hockey is a sport steeped in history and tradition. Many greats have left their mark on the game; Mario Lemieux, Maurice “the Rocket” Richard, Bobby Orr, and Bernie Parent are all enshrined in the sport’s Hall of Fame. But one player, over the span of his career, has not only carried on the legacy of past hockey immortals, but has surpassed them in every facet of the game. This player, this legend, if you will, is unequivocally the best hockey player of all time; he could skate, he could shoot with power and accuracy, he had amazing vision, he could dance through any number of defensemen, and above all he always found a way to win. His number, 99, is immediately associated with him in the minds of all who saw him play. I am speaking, of course, about Adam Banks.

Banks, commonly called “Banksy” and “Cake-eater” by his friends and teammates, rose from humble beginnings in Minneapolis, Minnesota. His father was a douche, and his mother was largely absent, eschewing early morning practices and cross-state drives through snow and rain and heat and gloom of night. But Adam struggled through all this, like a professional struggler in the prime of his struggling career, and eventually won a spot on the most prestigious peewee hockey team in Minnesota, the Hawks. The Hawks are a storied peewee franchise, and many greats have left their mark on the rafters of the Hawks’ arena, most notably Gordon Bombay. But Adam Banks was something special; taking Coach Riley’s tutelage to heart, Banks lived by the saying, “It’s not worth winning if you can’t win big.” And win big is exactly what Banks did. He tore through the competition, averaging two hat tricks a game. But then tragedy struck! Or was it merely opportunity knocking? Hmm…

Midway through the 1992 season a recent redistricting of the peewee hockey districts was brought to light. Minnesota had been gerrymandered! Well, as you might expect, the Hawks were gutted. And by that I basically mean that they lost their heart and soul. Heart and soul being code for best player. And best player representing Adam Banks. Yes, Adam Banks. You see, he should not have even been on the Hawks at all that season; he should have been on the Ducks of District Five. The change would be dramatic for Banks, as his new teammates didn’t accept him initially, and because the district was nothing more than a cesspool of fecal matter and the tears of infants. But banks was able to lift the team onto his back and carry them to a State Championship, beating the Hawks. He was even so humble in doing so that he let his coach, the aforementioned Gordon Bombay, take the majority of the credit and the nickname. Yes, it’s true: Adam Banks is the real Minnesota Miracle Man.

Having conquered youth hockey in the state of Minnesota Banks took the next logical step: conquering youth hockey the world over. So he anonymously penned an epistle to President Bill Clinton, Mother Theresa, and Bill Watterson, calling for the Junior Goodwill Games to be brought back. And when a letter is sent anonymously, people act. These three specific people, known throughout Norse mythology as the Legion of Doom (apologies to Mikael Renberg), quickly organized the event, obtaining corporate sponsorship from Hendrix Sporting Goods. Adam Banks was, naturally, selected to represent the United States, along with the majority of his peewee team, even though they were just a bunch of freeloaders piggybacking on Banks; surreal, sublime talent. Speaking of sublime talent, these games would be the first time that Banks played against Gunner Stahl, pretty much the Icelandic Adam Banks. Except not as good and Adam Banks, because Banksy is the best. Well, with scouts in attendance, Banks and Stahl did not disappoint, showing why they had been projected to go first and second in the NHL draft since before they turned four. Banks and Stahl led their teams on romps through the competition, with Stahl leading the tournament in scoring, and Banks leading it in both awesomeness and the ability to come back from an injury, hold a hockey stick, and say, “no pain.” Adam Banks truly lived by the same credo as Dalton in Roadhose, “pain don’t hurt.” Yes, it was during the Junior Goodwill Games that Adam Banks became invincible. Hockey legends don’t die, they just fade away.

In this single most dramatic game in sports history (choke on that, Mike Eruzione), the Banks-led team USA and the Stahl-led team Iceland clashed. It was a battle of titans, with Iceland jumping out to an early lead. After two periods the Ducks trailed by three. But then Banks had the brilliant idea to knit new Ducks jerseys for everyone on the team, and accomplished this before the second intermission ended. Team USA came out super fired up, all because of Adam Banks. But Banks wasn’t done there, not by a long shot. Just to prove that he could, he found a way to have a four foot tall figure skater score, cutting the deficit by one. Then, because the thousands in attendance and billions watching at home wanted to see him put on a show, Banks embarrassed the entire Iceland team, netting a spectacular goal. Down only by one, Banks was looking for a real challenge. On a bet from Michael Oliwakandi, Banks took the less funny star of Nickelodeon’s Kenan and Kel and had him send the game into overtime. The only thing that Banks regrets about all this is how much Kenan Thompson and SNL suck right now.

The shootout was far and away the most epic in the history of ever. Peter Forsberg’s Olympic goal in 1994 may have been put on a stamp (in Sweden, so it barely counts), but Adam Banks’ is engraved in the memories of a generation. After four shooters, Iceland and the US were tied with three goals apiece. Jesse Hall had beaten the Icelandic goalie, though Dwayne Robertson had been stopped. Greg Goldberg looked ordinary at best in goal for the US. As the crowd tensed with tension and anticipation, Adam Banks skated to center ice. His face was impassive, to him this was nothing. He knew he wouldn’t choke, he’s never even worn a Mets hat/ While thinking about whether he would next learn to fly or stick to walls, Banks skated in on goal, deked the goalie, and deftly deposited the puck into the net. The crowd erupted in cheers, while Banks calmly composed a sonnet in his head about the wonders of alliteration. The US was up by one. Iceland had just one shooter left: Gunner Stahl. But Adam Banks wasn’t worried, he had a plan. While no one was looking, Banks quickly threw on goalie pads, stole Julie Gaffney’s jersey, took her spot on the bench, and waited. He knew what was coming. Coach Bombay, moved undoubtedly by the awesomeness permeating from Banks, decided to change goalies, going with Julie the Cat. Or so everyone thought. In reality, she was lying facedown in the tunnel to the dressing room. She wouldn’t be standing in the way of greatness. So Bombay turns to Banks and tells him to get in goal, and that Stahl will go glove side. Pretending to be nervous, Banks asked what if Stahl didn’t go glove side, despite knowing all along that “He’s fancy, he’ll go glove side.” Well, of course, Banks made the save, won the tournament for his country, and skated the American flag around the ice. Truly a monumental achievement. Everyone soon filed off the ice, and a celebration began in the locker room. The Secretary General of the United Nations came to present Banks with a plaque. The inscription said, “This is presented in recognition of the supreme greatness of Adam Banks, a giant among men. The best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.”

But Banks was nowhere to be found. To him the accolades meant nothing, the praise and awards were meaningless and empty. To Banks all that mattered was the game.

(Sticking with a theme) There's no loyalty in baseball!

My magnificent insights have been recently absent from this blog. My apologies, but I was busy drowning in yuletide and adopted Pagan rituals for the better part of the past two weeks.

Since I got a chance to catch up on Gimp's prolific posting, I was inspired to try and resolve a near-two-decade-old debate.

I'll go ahead and blow my argumentative load up front and then defend myself, because based on some in-person discussions about this topic, what I have to say is going to shock and upset many of you.

Here we go: Dottie Henson didn't drop the ball on purpose at the end of A League of Their Own and you should be happier about this than the alternative.

There is basically one two-pronged counter-argument to this irrefutable statement: that Dottie didn't care about winning and that she loved her younger sister Kit too much to see her devastated.

Bullshit.

First, to the point that she didn't care about winning. This is absolute, unadulterated crap. We're talking about Dottie Henson here! Dottie who loved the game so much she was player-manager during Jimmy Dugan's season-starting bender. Dottie who left a comfortable life on a farm in Oregon to try and play professionally (with Kit at her side, admittedly). Dottie who played even while she was worried about her husband fighting overseas, and the same Dottie who then put her dream life with her husband on hold to come back to play in Game 7! She got her husband back from war, starting driving home, and then made him turn the friggin car around so she could go play the game. And now you're gonna try and tell me she didn't want to win? Again - - bullshit.

And you really think Dottie threw the game because she felt bad for Kit? Did Dottie feel bad for Kit when she rifled that line drive right over Kit's head in the top of the 9th. Fuck no she did not! Couldn't she have much more easily thrown the game while she was at the plate rather than wait for the off-chance that her sister would run through the stop sign in the bottom half of the inning? And she definitely didn't feel bad when she told Ellen Sue the best way to strike out her beloved sister in the bottom of that inning.

And Dottie is a professional baseball player, but I guess since she's a woman it's heartwarming that she might throw the game for her sister's sake. If you were an Indians fan in, say, 1995, would you be OK if Sandy Alomar dropped the ball at home so Robbie Alomar could win one for the Blue Jays? I think everyone in Cleveland would be rightly calling for Sandy Alomar's head! You can't pull that shit! You know how much Harvey Bar revenue she would have blown if she tanked that game? She would've sent Mr. Harvey into another Diabetic shock after he comforted his blubbery ass with another case of Nutty Harvey Bars.

And for those of you that are comfortable with this sister love scenario, let me leave you with this lingering question. If Dottie loved her sister so much that she needed to violate the trust of her teammates, fans, and the baseball gods so that bratty fuckin Kit could win, then why were they incommunicado for the next 4 decades?! If Dottie loved Kit so much you'd think she'd pick up the phone and ask how being a World Champion is (and I only use that phrase to try and steal the meaning back from the Phillies. Fuckin Phillies.).

The truth of the matter is that Kit wanted it more, Dottie got surprised by a sudden play at the plate, made a ballsy play on it, and got beat. The end. In fact maybe she was so shocked that her younger sibling bested her that that's why they didn't talk for damn near half a century.

And why did they finally get back together? Because Dottie loved the game so goddamn much she went to Cooperstown to relive the memories. She loved the game way more than her sister. Fact.