Lunch break thoughts

I don’t know what’s wrong with the internet, but it’s a lot less interesting today than it is on most days. Drudge is on some crusade against STD prevention, probably because he has herpes (I think this qualifies as breaking a news story. Suck it, Matt), the Democrats are passing around a petition trying to get Rush Limbaugh to admit to being an asshole, or something like that, the Flyers lost last night and I don’t want to hear about the Superbowl, so sports are out, and no one has published anything about dinosaurs. And of course this happens on the day where I have like an hour and a half between classes, and no assignment to read.

Right now insanity is swirling around me; I’m surrounded by some of the weirdest conversations imaginable: the composition of fruit roll ups, jumping out of moving cars (evidently today is a bad day to be driving without a license), the timelessness of the Macarena, which Word automatically capitalizes, and the merits of being an idiot savant.

There’s a ton of snow and ice and slush on the ground, public and parochial schools in the city are closed, and I’m sitting in a classroom. Even schools in fucking St. Louis are closed. (Fuck you, Dick) I’m really struggling to understand why I have to be here today. Hell, we have a guest speaker coming in anyway, and he’s going to be talking about arbitration. Unless he brings up Ryan Howard in the first couple sentences, my attention span will be tested.

Henrik Zetterberg signed a 12 year, 72 million dollar contract extension today. He could have gotten a hell of a lot more money if he had waited until the summer, but he’s pretty much guaranteed a handful of Stanley Cups before he retires. But he’s already got a bunch, so it’s doubtful they’re worth the $25 million dollars he probably left on the table. That’s like 125 flights on Virgin Galactic, he’s missing out.

So you know what makes law school suck? I’ll start a day thinking that if I can get al my reading done early I’ll have time to work on outlines for finals. This is terrible. No one should ever be excited by the prospect of finishing work early to do more work. I feel like law school sucks the humanity out of people. But yeah, I’ll be working on an outline for torts tonight. Fuck.

Sportscenter really sucks. I mean, it was groundbreaking and all that years ago, but now they’re all about stories and shit like that. Brett Favre, TO, Radomski, Torre, all that crap, and I don’t care. Why can’t they show more highlights. They’ll show basketball, and like ten minutes of hockey, and if there’s a major they’ll throw in tennis or golf. But what about other cool stuff? Maybe show more soccer; Beckham scored for Milan, maybe they could show some Serie A. What about like Rugby, or lacrosse, or ping-pong? Chinese people are crazy at ping-pong, and I would like to see more of that. They could even get really weird, like have some Jai Alai footage. What about Eddie Feigner? Yeah, he’s dead now, but he could throw a softball triple digits, underhand. In his prime he struck out Willie Mays, Roberto Clemente, Willie McCovey, Harmon Killebrew, all of whom are hall of famers. Hell, he threw 238 perfect games. That’s insane. And I doubt he was ever mentioned on ESPN. But TO is getting a reality show. Fuck him.

Ahmadinejad is saying that the US must apologize to Iran. I know that Hillary Clinton won’t do it, but I’m pretty sure she would lock up presidential successor if she goes to a joint news conference with Ahmadinejad and says, “The United States would like to sincerely apologize to Iran… for you all being a bunch of dickheads.” Then we let Israel bomb the hell out of them, enabling the US to win the game of Middle Eastern tic-tac-toe that we’ve evidently been playing for the past eight years.

I’m pretty sure that the other day was the first time that I wrote “President Obama.” That’s cool and all, but I think I may be more excited for Bush’s post-Presidency years. I really hope that he can just be a cool guy. Now that he’s out of office, I want Bush to be the guy that headbutted David Tyree, dodged shoes, and threw a strike while wearing a bulletproof vest. I want him to say outrageous things, and just not care about it. Most of all, in light of Fred Wilpon losing a ton of money to Bernie Madoff, I really want Bush to buy the Mets. Not only would he be in a public spotlight, but he would probably deport Santana and Reyes, and Wright would somehow end up in Iraq. Someone needs to make this happen.

Class starts in eight minutes, and it’s looking like a lot of people are going to be skipping. I think there’s a pretty good chance that the guest speaker doesn’t show up, and because no one has done the reading for Friday the real teacher just lets us go. Actually, I know that there’s no way that happens, but it would be cool if it did. Probably going to have to roll out the pistratica to get through this class.

I really wish that someone would invent like an eye implant that lets you transmit what you’re seeing to someone else instantaneously. Like, I understand that there are camera phones and crap, but some of the really absurd things that I’ve seen would need to be passed along less obtrusively that they allow. I just think it would be cool, and practical.

Ugh, the speaker is here, I might as well post this and get ready for what is sure to be a riveting hour and a half.

Happy Tim Tebow Day!

Just a couple weird, unrelated things I wanted to talk about briefly.

First, we briefly touched on a case in Torts today, Riviello v. Waldron. The casebook describes the facts of the case like this: “ Waldron, employed as a cook at the Pot Belly Pub, a Bronx bar and grill, was talking to a customer and flipping an open knife. This accidentally struck the customer in the eye.” What the hell? How could that possible happen? I’ve thrown all sorts of things in the air, and I’ve never even come close to blinding anyone. And I’m not even especially coordinated. I can’t see how this guy managed to toss a knife into a customer’s eye.

Papua New Guinea brings us this next piece of absurdity: a group of vigilante assholes burned a woman at the stake for, among other crimes, sorcery. Apparently this isn’t even a one time occurrence, but is gaining prevalence in the area. And, like this case, most of these witch-hunts are incited by AIDS. Why do third world countries struggle with this so much? Stop having sex with monkees!

And then, of course, there’s this asshole who didn’t put Rickey Henderson on his Hall of Fame Ballot. I absolutely hate that some people refuse to vote for certain first-ballot HOFers just because people like Hank Aaron or Willy Mays weren’t inducted unanimously. That’s not their responsibility; this self-appointed guardianship is crap. And to make it even worse, this same dumbass voted for Jim Rice. And Matt Williams! He did vote for Tim Raines, who does deserve to be in, but I don’t understand how you can vote for Raines and not Henderson. And seriously, Matt Williams? He’s the only guy so far to vote for him. What the hell?

Greatness: A treatise

This is old, but it's been requested, so I figured I would throw it up here. I wrote it about three years ago, but some of it is still good. Part of it was slightly modernized.

Hockey is a sport steeped in history and tradition. Many greats have left their mark on the game; Mario Lemieux, Maurice “the Rocket” Richard, Bobby Orr, and Bernie Parent are all enshrined in the sport’s Hall of Fame. But one player, over the span of his career, has not only carried on the legacy of past hockey immortals, but has surpassed them in every facet of the game. This player, this legend, if you will, is unequivocally the best hockey player of all time; he could skate, he could shoot with power and accuracy, he had amazing vision, he could dance through any number of defensemen, and above all he always found a way to win. His number, 99, is immediately associated with him in the minds of all who saw him play. I am speaking, of course, about Adam Banks.

Banks, commonly called “Banksy” and “Cake-eater” by his friends and teammates, rose from humble beginnings in Minneapolis, Minnesota. His father was a douche, and his mother was largely absent, eschewing early morning practices and cross-state drives through snow and rain and heat and gloom of night. But Adam struggled through all this, like a professional struggler in the prime of his struggling career, and eventually won a spot on the most prestigious peewee hockey team in Minnesota, the Hawks. The Hawks are a storied peewee franchise, and many greats have left their mark on the rafters of the Hawks’ arena, most notably Gordon Bombay. But Adam Banks was something special; taking Coach Riley’s tutelage to heart, Banks lived by the saying, “It’s not worth winning if you can’t win big.” And win big is exactly what Banks did. He tore through the competition, averaging two hat tricks a game. But then tragedy struck! Or was it merely opportunity knocking? Hmm…

Midway through the 1992 season a recent redistricting of the peewee hockey districts was brought to light. Minnesota had been gerrymandered! Well, as you might expect, the Hawks were gutted. And by that I basically mean that they lost their heart and soul. Heart and soul being code for best player. And best player representing Adam Banks. Yes, Adam Banks. You see, he should not have even been on the Hawks at all that season; he should have been on the Ducks of District Five. The change would be dramatic for Banks, as his new teammates didn’t accept him initially, and because the district was nothing more than a cesspool of fecal matter and the tears of infants. But banks was able to lift the team onto his back and carry them to a State Championship, beating the Hawks. He was even so humble in doing so that he let his coach, the aforementioned Gordon Bombay, take the majority of the credit and the nickname. Yes, it’s true: Adam Banks is the real Minnesota Miracle Man.

Having conquered youth hockey in the state of Minnesota Banks took the next logical step: conquering youth hockey the world over. So he anonymously penned an epistle to President Bill Clinton, Mother Theresa, and Bill Watterson, calling for the Junior Goodwill Games to be brought back. And when a letter is sent anonymously, people act. These three specific people, known throughout Norse mythology as the Legion of Doom (apologies to Mikael Renberg), quickly organized the event, obtaining corporate sponsorship from Hendrix Sporting Goods. Adam Banks was, naturally, selected to represent the United States, along with the majority of his peewee team, even though they were just a bunch of freeloaders piggybacking on Banks; surreal, sublime talent. Speaking of sublime talent, these games would be the first time that Banks played against Gunner Stahl, pretty much the Icelandic Adam Banks. Except not as good and Adam Banks, because Banksy is the best. Well, with scouts in attendance, Banks and Stahl did not disappoint, showing why they had been projected to go first and second in the NHL draft since before they turned four. Banks and Stahl led their teams on romps through the competition, with Stahl leading the tournament in scoring, and Banks leading it in both awesomeness and the ability to come back from an injury, hold a hockey stick, and say, “no pain.” Adam Banks truly lived by the same credo as Dalton in Roadhose, “pain don’t hurt.” Yes, it was during the Junior Goodwill Games that Adam Banks became invincible. Hockey legends don’t die, they just fade away.

In this single most dramatic game in sports history (choke on that, Mike Eruzione), the Banks-led team USA and the Stahl-led team Iceland clashed. It was a battle of titans, with Iceland jumping out to an early lead. After two periods the Ducks trailed by three. But then Banks had the brilliant idea to knit new Ducks jerseys for everyone on the team, and accomplished this before the second intermission ended. Team USA came out super fired up, all because of Adam Banks. But Banks wasn’t done there, not by a long shot. Just to prove that he could, he found a way to have a four foot tall figure skater score, cutting the deficit by one. Then, because the thousands in attendance and billions watching at home wanted to see him put on a show, Banks embarrassed the entire Iceland team, netting a spectacular goal. Down only by one, Banks was looking for a real challenge. On a bet from Michael Oliwakandi, Banks took the less funny star of Nickelodeon’s Kenan and Kel and had him send the game into overtime. The only thing that Banks regrets about all this is how much Kenan Thompson and SNL suck right now.

The shootout was far and away the most epic in the history of ever. Peter Forsberg’s Olympic goal in 1994 may have been put on a stamp (in Sweden, so it barely counts), but Adam Banks’ is engraved in the memories of a generation. After four shooters, Iceland and the US were tied with three goals apiece. Jesse Hall had beaten the Icelandic goalie, though Dwayne Robertson had been stopped. Greg Goldberg looked ordinary at best in goal for the US. As the crowd tensed with tension and anticipation, Adam Banks skated to center ice. His face was impassive, to him this was nothing. He knew he wouldn’t choke, he’s never even worn a Mets hat/ While thinking about whether he would next learn to fly or stick to walls, Banks skated in on goal, deked the goalie, and deftly deposited the puck into the net. The crowd erupted in cheers, while Banks calmly composed a sonnet in his head about the wonders of alliteration. The US was up by one. Iceland had just one shooter left: Gunner Stahl. But Adam Banks wasn’t worried, he had a plan. While no one was looking, Banks quickly threw on goalie pads, stole Julie Gaffney’s jersey, took her spot on the bench, and waited. He knew what was coming. Coach Bombay, moved undoubtedly by the awesomeness permeating from Banks, decided to change goalies, going with Julie the Cat. Or so everyone thought. In reality, she was lying facedown in the tunnel to the dressing room. She wouldn’t be standing in the way of greatness. So Bombay turns to Banks and tells him to get in goal, and that Stahl will go glove side. Pretending to be nervous, Banks asked what if Stahl didn’t go glove side, despite knowing all along that “He’s fancy, he’ll go glove side.” Well, of course, Banks made the save, won the tournament for his country, and skated the American flag around the ice. Truly a monumental achievement. Everyone soon filed off the ice, and a celebration began in the locker room. The Secretary General of the United Nations came to present Banks with a plaque. The inscription said, “This is presented in recognition of the supreme greatness of Adam Banks, a giant among men. The best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.”

But Banks was nowhere to be found. To him the accolades meant nothing, the praise and awards were meaningless and empty. To Banks all that mattered was the game.

Best quotes of '08?

The Yale Book of Quotations has announced its top ten most notable quotes from this past year, and while I think they actually did a decent job, there were some glaring omissions. So I’ve taken it upon myself to come up with my own top ten list, without repeating any of their choices. This is all pretty arbitrary, and will probably be skewed fairly heavily towards things that were said after August, considering this is all coming from memory. Also, I stopped thinking after I came up with ten. Anyway:


10. “You’re likable enough, Hillary.” – Barack Obama

9. “Eat, sleep, and swim. That’s all that I can do.” – Michael Phelps

8. “God damn America!” – Jeremiah Wright

7. “I’m gonna make this pencil disappear.” – Heath Ledger, as the Joker

6. “Wall Street got drunk, and now it’s got a hangover.” – George W. Bush

5. “If the Human race is going to continue for another million years, we will have to boldly go where no one has gone before.” – Stephen Hawking

4. “If some people don’t have a sense of humor, then it’s their problem.” – Silvio Berlusconi

3. “If Jesus came back today, I think he’d throw up.” – Jesse Ventura

2. "We believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, being here with all of you hard working very patriotic, um, very, um, pro-America areas of this great nation." – Sarah Palin

1. “World champions… world fucking champions!” – Chase Utley

Feel free to add your own in the comments.