Every Kiss Begins with "Fuck Off"

In many ways, the Christmas season really is the most wonderful time of the year. In other ways, it's fucking infuriating.

For instance, I'm currently a Secret Santa at work. Today I had 3 Quizno's cookies waiting for me at 7am. Most wonderful! But at the same time, I have to track down Christian literature to give to my boss as his Secret Santa. Not so most wonderful.

But what has to be the worst part is the commercials, which start in October and suck the whole way through. And this year I have to give props to Kay Jewelers for coming up with by far the worst commercial of the season.

It should not be shocking when I say that Christmas commercials lie. That's their job, to tell you an over-priced product is worth the price they charge. They want you to believe that the newest Swedish Ab ball will make you look like the Hoff with little to no effort, that those friends who never return your calls will suddenly come over and play if you get the new Wii party pack, and that something shiny will make up for the fact that you are a shitty lover.

The Kay commercial in question centers on this last variety of propaganda. Allow me to please debunk the lies behind this bullshit.

The commercial begins with a douchebag and his ladyfriend scampering towards the Christmas tree to sit Indian style. I wonder what the surprise is!

Douchebag: (Struggling) I'm sorry...my signing...still...isn't very good.
Woman: (Subtitled and silently mouthed) You're doing fine.

Oh yeah, something I forgot to mention: broheim's dating a deaf girl. The chick can't hear.

This raises two interesting questions.

1. How the hell did these two meet?
Other than your local American Sign Language Convention, which every 20-something guy stalks for fresh snapper (obviously!), I'm thinking bar. He didn't notice she couldn't hear because it was loud, she didn't notice he had nothing to offer because she can't hear - - bada bing bada boom. To be honest, I can't really fault either one there. Shit happens at bars.

2. Why are they still together?
This question is much harder to get my head around. My first guess is guilt. Dude hooked up with a deaf chick, felt bad about it, and decided that he believed himself to be too good of a person to break up with a woman simply because she couldn't hear him yell BAGAWK while he climaxed. And now, he finds himself in too deep.

So what do you do now? Try and make the best of it! Let's learn some American Sign Language!

I will be operating under the assumption that our male protagonist has gotten himself in way over his head and cannot admit that "not being able to hear" is a deciding factor for him in the 1 or 0 binary system of dating.

Douchebag: I learned another sign today.
Woman: (subtitled, silently mouthed, but excited. Well, at least I think she's excited. Tough to tell without any intonation) Really?
[Douchebag grabs a package from beneath a likely fake tree]
Douchebag: (struggling, oh so hard) Merry...Christmas.

Chick opens a box to reveal a Bulova watch. We later learn that she likes it ("Read my lips" she says with a kiss. Get it?! She can't speak so she lip reads! But kisses involve lips, too! Ah Ha!).

So, here's the message that Kay hopes the simple-minded American will take with him/her:
True love exists! Look! A moderately attractive young man is fighting to overcome the biological and environmental constraints (namely, the ability or inability to hear) that have for so long separated him from his true love, and now that they are together he is expressing his love for her by buying her something nice! OOH! I should buy something nice for someone close to me!

And here's the story as it really happened:
Our friend got drunk and fucked a chick in closed captioning. And now that Bulova watches are 25% off at Kay, he has bought her a flashy pity gift.

I have 2 to 5 odds he's out the door before Christmas Eve. And the best part is he can slam that door and she'll never know...