Heisman Trophy

So I have many logical well thought out rants to throw out there concerning college football this year.  Namely the argument that the regular season is a playoff, it officially died this season.  Much like the OU-Texas game ball Mack Brown buried under his practice field, this argument has gone Bernie Mac on us all, finally succumbing after years of disservice.  But that stream of consciousness drivel seems far too page 2 for this blog.  Which leads me to my first installment of... Settling Basic Arguments with a Bracket.  Heisman Trophy Edition.  Stats? I don't need no stinking stats.  Ws and Ls, who needs em?  What I need is a hypothetical, irrational, inappropriate showdown.   And much like footballs and lies, in the words of O.J., it's time to run with it.  

Tim Tebow v. Sam Bradford

Basically this is a war, one of my favorite wars in fact, a holy war.  On one side we got Jesus, all 115 pounds of miracle maker. Coincidently I believe the Lazarus story was very similar to Rod Marinelli's visit to Daunte Culpeppers house in week 8.  Anyway.  Jesus vs. The Great God of Sky and Wind.  Their head to head matchup definitely favors Bradford, being an outdoor stadium and the fact south florida is jew infested.  So I'd bank on good ole Chief Pump-N-go lighting up the Gators. But sadly they give out the hardware prior to BCS title game, so I like Jesus to turn water into firewater, and leave Bradford's main witch doctor passed out at the Keno table.  Tebow advances. 

Colt McCoy v. Graham Harrell 

McCoy is easy, he has the look of a 12 year old boy, the only quarterback in recent memory that could have made Major Applewhite look like a grizzled dockworker.  But Harrell on the surface is a rather vanilla candidate.  So I turned to the streets (internet) to see what I could scare up. Harrell ran a hilarious season long election spoof with Michael Crabtree.  They ran a series of election commercials, with great slogans such as "Balls don't magically fly" and "I hate our punter."  Comedic bonus points.  Sadly I think our culture has warped my mind because male or female, jailbait is jailbait and damn that Colt is young.  McCoy advances.

Finals McCoy-Tebow

Much like college football offenses, the world advances for better or worse.  For every Spread option there is a Michigan, and for every sports anchor there is a Linda Cohn.  With that being said there was only one way this collision could end.   Jailbait is jailbait that doesnt change.  But Jesus and his church, yeah they changed.  So in the end the vicar of victories Timmy Touchdown finally becomes the 21st century incarnation of of christianity and molests the shit out of Colt to take the trophy.  

If only I could have heard Verne Lunquist utter that last line on CBS last week.