Annals of the Inane

Until this blog rockets me off to a future of fame, fortune, and monkey butlers, I have a full time job. For the purposes of this post, it could be any job. I work in a cubicle, process paperwork, answer to a handful of superiors, and check my personal email account with the tenacity of an air traffic controller with OCD. Sound familiar?

At any rate, I'm periodically subjected to staff meetings that rarely have anything to do with my own work. Instead of perfecting my dead-behind-the-eyes stare, I've decided to treat these meetings like expeditions into the Congo, chronicling my thoughts and observations in a 6"x9" Steno Notebook.

Here are my notes from the last three meetings I've attended (expanded upon in hindsight where appropriate). The names have been changed. The mind-boggling inanity of it all has not.

12/1 3:00 PM Staff Meeting

3:01 Maureen and the main table discuss Twilight (Seriously, I don't understand this phenomenon or the fact that middle-aged women are flocking to it. She keeps using phrases like "It's terribly written, but it's a good book" and I have to resist the urge to throw my chair at her.)

3:03 Lauren defends Twilight to the death

3:05 Second order of business: the Eagles game (Maureen is the worst kind of sports fan. She acts personally offended when those who work under her don't support Philadelphia, but doesn't know where they are in the standings. She has to ask Giants fans what the Eagles' chances are in the playoffs, then throws their honest feedback in their faces.)

3:07 Tania's not here. Lucky her.

3:10 Nancy is Maureen's enforcer (She sits to her left every meeting, laughs when cued, and silences dissenters)

3:26 Giggle session (I work with too many women. I could scoop a handful of estrogen out of the air, ball it up, and throw it against a wall.)

3:38 Maureen brings up the 'hilarious' picture of her and the tall guy for the third consecutive meeting (Tall people and short people? Together? That's crazy!)

3:41 Sharon takes a cell phone call during the meeting. No eyebrows are raised.

3:51 Patty asks me a question relevant to my job. (The first time I've felt like I needed to be here)

4:15 Dismissed



12/8 10:00 AM Health Insurance Meeting

10:14 Maureen talks about Twilight ... again... (It's actually starting to get a disturbing. She's talking about how hot the vampires are.)

10:15 Nora shows up 15 minutes late to the meeting she organized

10:16 Meeting starts, Jennifer shushes people (I honestly didn't think adults shushed people. We're in a big people meeting, not a third grade assembly. Everyone knows they need to listen)

10:22 Nora leaves to get a missing staff member. She never comes back.



12/8 11:10 AM New Policy Training Meeting

11:10 Notified of meeting by email 10 minutes ago.

11:12 Good Lord! Maureen is talking about Twilight again! (I can't take it! Now she's comparing it to other pre-teen vampire fiction.)

11:26 Meeting officially starts

11:32 Nora uses the word "shagging" in discussing domestic partnership (It should be noted that she only resorted to "shagging" after misusing the word "cavorting" in a previous attempt.)

11:43 Adjourned? (We're told the meeting is over, but no one makes a move fast enough and the inevitable follow-up questions commence)

12:00 Adjourned, for real.

If, one day, I don't make it out of that conference room I want everyone to know what drove me to leap upon my pen like a ceremonial Japanese sword.