And you say you work in a school...

Background: I am a high school teacher. But don't believe for a second that working in a school means my coworkers are literate. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Exhibit A: this email that a co-worker sent around to the faculty today.

To whom it may concern:
Interesting way to start an email to people you see every day.

I'm writing from the confines of my title "teacher"
Can a title confine you? And does the title "teacher" specifically confine you more than other titles. In fact, doesn't that title really give far more latitude than most other titles to say whatever the hell you want?

and the tall walls of my classroom
I've been in his classroom. His walls are no taller than most. In fact they're very average walls. You still haven't sold me on being "confined."

however; I'm not really confined by these seemingly huge restraints
glad you're surmounting the huge restraints of words, walls, and proper punctuation, Hercules.

in fact I'm trying to figure out why "good students are stressed out, fighting, confused, unhappy and frustrated in a place that was built for their enrichment. I'm very upset by the fact that I have good kids, strong kids at home over some B.S. that could have been avoided.
I'm confused. Who spoke the "good students" part? Are they still talking? Since we bring in an I in there did you say it? Are you still talking?
The issue he's addressing here is that we currently have 15 students out on 10-day suspension for fighting. As you can tell, he feels they should be in school. I disagree. They started a brawl at 7:10 in the morning on a Friday. If you can't respect the laid-back, just-get-through-this-so-I-don't-have-to-see-these-people-til-Monday sanctity of Friday then you should be suspended.

My question to the committee members, staff and administration is this. Were are we going wrong family?
End comments about grammar and punctuation. We're clearly beyond the point of no return.

Why is there so much division amongst our students?
Because this is a fucking high school! No high school has ever been free of divisions! I'm pretty sure the Brady Bunch kids and the fucking Beaver still dealt with divisions in their high schools, and that's as close to simulated, nonsensical perfection we'll ever see.

Is the division among the staff real if so why and how can it be mended?
There's a division between the staff members that can read and write and those who can't if that's what you're talking about.

I implore our administration team and their assistants to swiftly and prudently implement or begin implementation of innovatative behavioral guidance and educational measures,
I've worked at this school for only five months, and I can already say with certainty that no one will ever move swiftly or prudently in that place. Let alone "innovatatively"! For christsake, it took them 2 hours to find a girl in our three floor school on Friday. Not the most impressive display.

But perhaps this email has been disjointed merely in anticipation of the coup de grace. But wait! Here it comes!

this is jugular vein to success in populations with high percentages of at risk youth.
What was that, Hawthorne? I didn't quite catch that, what with the English language being waterboarded in the backgrounded and all.

Are students aren't' happy
Homophones are fun, huh?

with present conditions their concerns are real and addressable but I wonder how many know what they are, more importantly who will step up the game and take full advantage of our tremendous opportunity to change lives little by little, step by step, stage after stage.
For fuck's sake. It's like he doesn't naturally speak English and used an online translator.

Does anyone have a tissue? It seems my eyes have bled upon my keyboard. I should clean this up.