Exchanging Lineups

A is for Ashburn
Whom I never saw play,
But loved on the radio
Joining Harry’s play by play.

B is for Brogna
My childhood hero.
Probably explains
Why I'm still such a zero.

C is for Cole,
Carlton reborn.
Two lefties leaving
The batter forlorn.

D is for Dallas Green
Played for both; K'ed nary a hitter.
Didn't stop there - -
For both, became a Skipper.

E is for Eisenreich
A rightfielder with pluck.
Had a powerful arm
And shit, bitch, ass, fuck!

F is for Franco
The first New York captain.
Fuck Derek Jeter
And the Yanks while we're at it.

G is for Gary,
Sarge and his hat.
Equally good
With a mic or a bat.

H is for HoJo
And the '86 Series.
Waiting to get back there
Is making me weary.

I is for Inky
And his mighty swing.
Joe Carter sure robbed him
Of that World Series Ring.

J is for John Olerud
Hit for the cycle - - how you like that?
They say that his swing
Was as hard as his hat.

K is for Kalas
The voice of the Phils.
His call of Game 5
Provides nothing but chills.

L is for Losingest
The very first season set the mark.
Even still, rooting for the Mets
Takes a lot of heart.

M is for Moyer,
The ageless wonder.
Looking for a fastball
Is quite a blunder.

N is for no No-Nos.
Bleeders, bloops, and frozen ropes,
Teams always hit at least one,
And I'm starting to lose hope.

O is for Owens
And Pat Gillick too.
To each man fans owe
A heartfelt “Thank you.”

P is for Piazza;
Most dingers ever for a 2.
Still wish Mike speared Clemens
With the broken bat he threw.

Q is for quaint,
Which the Vet never was.
But the roar from the top
Would give visitors pause.

R is for Rich,
As Lenny’s become;
Steroids or cash,
He has quite the sum.

S is for Stocker
His career peaked in ’93.
But I still have his rookie card,
It’s mint condition. Fuck me.

T is for Tug
A Phil and a Met.
Ya gotta believe
He’d be a safe bet.

U is for Utley,
World Fucking Champ.
Is an MVP next
For this loveable scamp?

V is for Valentine
And his Eye Black mustache.
Said Sayonara for Japan
And now is swimming in cash.

W is for Williams,
The Wild Thing, Mitch.
If only he’d never
Been brought in to pitch.

X is for Xavier
A short-lived, but great Met.
Brought a tear to my eye
When they sent him to Pitt.

Y is for Youth
Much of mine I passed
Watching the Phils
Struggle in last.

Z is for Zambrano,
Not the good one, but Victor.
Fuck you, Steve Phillips.



Dick and I wrote this, inspired by this Ogden Nash Poem. I wrote the first letter, and from there we alternated. We're both better at poetry than Winston. Baseball starts soon. Get excited.

Thumbs 3: Because 2/3 of a thumb is better than no thumb at all (or what I learned from playing with fireworks)*

Thumbs Up: Facebook. Last week they changed their design, and people have been bitching about it. Well, people bitch every time that Facebook makes even the slightest change. Those people need to calm down a little bit. I appreciate that Facebook continually tries to make itself better, even knowing that, at minimum, a vocal minority of its users are going to whine about it before even giving it a chance.

Thumbs Down: Matt Drudge. I realized recently that I would pay close to four hundred dollars for the opportunity to punch Matt Drudge in the face. He’s an asshole, and if anyone deserves to be hit, it’s him. Seriously, he lost his show on Fox News because that network was uncomfortable with how he was manipulating facts to support his anti-abortion agenda. Yeah, he was too disingenuous for Fox News. He’s an ass.

Thumbs Up – Suffering Idiots writers who write their Thumbs contribution on time. Thumbs, for those of you who may not know, is a collaborative effort among myself, Gimpy, and Dick. We collectively dropped the ball last week, but we’re limping along at two thirds strength this time around. Hey, last time I checked a tricycle that was missing a wheel was called a bicycle and that was good enough for our ancestors back in the Old Country, damnit!*

Thumbs Down – Ringback tones. Yeah, I didn’t think people still had them either, but they do. At my job, I probably make between 25 and 50 calls a week and a frighteningly high ratio of those calls involve Beyonce or Lil Wayne blaring in my ear. This is by no means a Thumbs Down to those artists; however, the ringback tones that feature them are often of poor quality and inappropriate volume. I would much rather hear a simple ring to let me know my phone is working than T.I. telling me that the person I’m calling is having so much fun chilling with him that s/he might not be as quick to answer as they would normally.

Thumbs Up: Sunshine. Apologies for this obvious thumbs up, but let'snot underestimate how terrific it is to be out of the winter woods.It's finally getting dark after 7pm. As a teacher who's in school by7am every day and out no earlier than 3, I was down to a measly 2 hoursof sunshine per day for a solid 2.5 months there.

Thumbs down: Chalk. I love March Madness, but I hate when the top seedswin. For the first time in the history of the tournament, all of the 1,2, and 3 seeds from every region made the Sweet 16. Beyond that, therehaven't even been that many exciting games overall. Some of the gameshave been close, but by and large the team that should have won has won. Where's the fun in that?

*At the time of this posts initial publication, Dick Gerber had not yet submitted his Thumbs. Although he did sneak them in this afternoon, let's make sure to shame him anyway.

Sunday Night Baseball

I was all set to write about this Barack Obama, Special Olympics thing that’s been going on. I was several paragraphs in, and it was really good. But I had to stop writing it. Something even more retarded was happening. United States vs. Japan, WBC semifinals. It was on ESPN. Jon Miller was calling the game. Joining him in the box? Joe Morgan and Steve Phillips, baseball's answer to Matt Millen and Mike Millbury. Get excited, everyone.

Derek Jeter is playing short. I understand why the Yankees do it: they don’t have anyone better. But Jeter is the third best defensive shortstop on this team, at least. Mark DeRosa is better defensively than Jeter, and he’s playing first. I’m pretty sure Evan Longoria played short in college, and he’s on the bench. But worst of all, Jimmy Rollins, gold glove shortstop, is DHing! If they really feel the need to play the Captain, why not have him DH, and let Jimmy play defense. He can go left.

Here are some things that Joe Morgan and Steve Phillips have said:
* Team USA is going to win because they’re mentally tough. Also, Roy Oswalt, the starting pitcher, added as an afterthought.
* Bottom 1st, 2-0 count, did they just cut Joe Morgan’s mic? I really think they did.
* Joe Morgan is talking about middle infielders being able to play other positions. I love it. Stick to what you know.
* Joe is comparing Adam Dunn to Ted Williams. VORPies everywhere are rejoicing.
* I’ve blocked them out at this point. It’s good to be back in midseason form.

I should respond to Gerber’s post the other day about David Wright. I’ll give him credit for playing hurt, he’s American hero, and seeing him knock in Jimmy was harmonious. In two weeks he’ll go back to being a fascist pederast.

McDonalds is advertising on Japan’s batting helmets. Seriously.

Top 3, Jeter grounds up the middle, Japanese shortstop goes to his left, throws Jeter out, making the captain jealous.

Fukodome really isn’t a good defensive center fielder: misplaying the Wright double off the wall and the Jimmy single in the first. Him being an all-star last year was a joke.

Bottom three: really nice play by Wright fielding a bunt, Scott Rolen esque. No joke, it was just really nice. Cue text from Dick: “somebody suck David Wright’s dick right now!” Oh, and then he throws the next ball into right field. He must have been distracted.

“Slidepiece” – Steve Philips, bottom 4. That means it’s baseball season.

America is losing, though they could have had a much better team. Real Team USA lineup, cause I’m bored:
Rollins – SS
Wright – 3B
Utley – 2B
Teixeira – 1B
Braun – LF
McCann - C
Sizemore – CF
Markakis – RF
Rotation of Hamels, Halladay, Sabathia, and Lincecum, with Lidge, Nathan, and Papelbon in the bullpen. Iannetta, BJ Upton, Mark DeRosa, Evan Longoria, and Josh Hamilton on the bench. Charlie Manuel managing.

JRoll works a walk top five, after being down 0-2. He’s an American hero, 2-2 with a walk. Right after that, David Wright strikes out looking, proving once again that he hates America. When asked for comment after the game he was unable to speak, seeing as how he was choking.

Wrigley Field was built for a Federal League team. Just saying. Also, I’m looking into reports that dinosaurs were actually made up by the CIA to discourage time travel. Carl Everett hasn’t disagreed with this.

I pay much better attention when the team I’m cheering for is winning. America winning: riveted. America down, but threatening: watching, but with music playing. America down, Japan batting: game on in the background, reading about Tamerlane.

No Met has ever thrown a no-hitter. I’m terrified that will change this year. Ed Wade is still in charge down in Houston, the Astros will probably be no hit a couple times this year. But he’ll probably also trade Roy Oswalt to the Phils for Travis D’Arnaud and a veteran middle reliever.

How many HRs would Sadaharu Oh have hit over here? 500? Fewer than that?
Matsui averaged a homer every 16.58 at bats in Japan, and one every 25.82 over here, for whatever that’s worth. I mean, you still have to factor in things like his natural decline with age. Bill James should tackle this, not me.

Actually, after looking, someone did. This guy says 527. I think that may be high, especially considering he would have started his career in the 60s, when pitchers were just steamrolling. But since this guy did math, I’ll defer to him.

Jimmy, top seven, stand up triple. 3-3, BB. ‘Merica. Stranded as Wright goes down swinging on a 55 foot pitch. If Al Qaeda had a flag (assuming they don’t) it would be blue and orange.

Joe thinks the US should bring in some minor league pitchers. I’m not here to disagree with him. I say we should have gotten Stephen Strasburg into this tournament, and just unleashed him. He’s clearly heads and shoulders above the competition he’s facing at SDSU, and I really want to see him. Triple digit velocity, he’s gonna tear shit up in the pros. Barring Mark Prior Dusty Baker stuff.

Bottom 8, runner on third, two out, ground ball in the hole to short, Jeter fields it, throws high and wide, runner safe, run scores, three run deficit. Now things are really falling apart, it’s 9-4, but most importantly, all Jeter’s fault. He’ll be leading of the top of the ninth.

And we’re back. Yu Darvish on the mound, Jeter at the plate. Yikes. 6-3. One out. Darvish has a weird delivery. Not Nomo weird, but there’s an interesting little hesitation there, or something. He’s young, too. I wonder how much the Yankees and Red Sox are gonna offer up as posting fees. Jimmy got another hit. 4 for 4. As Jon Miller said, “Jimmy Rollins has played like a World Fucking Champion tonight.” I may not have gotten that quote exactly right. Wright struck out though. That’s his third strikeout. KKK? I don’t think that David Wright has ever denied being a member. Something to consider. And Adam Dunn makes the last out, crushing American hopes. Where is baseball’s Mike Eruzione?

Finally, because I wrote it already, and I would hate for it to go to waste, here’s something I had to say about this whole Special Olympics thing: And now they want Obama to hire a Special Olympics athlete to work in the White House. Wasn’t eight years of Bush enough for them? Suck it, Jay Leno.

The 'Merican 'Mazins

Since it seems as though this blog unabashedly favors the Phillies (and I've lost many hours of sleep attempting to find Mets stories to right this ship - - without success) I am jumping at the opportunity to post this tidbit about David Wright.

Basically, Wright played through what he thought was a broken toe (X-Rays ended up being negative) during the WBC game against Venezuela even though the game meant squat dick to team USAs overall success in the tourney.

Now, as a Met fan, am I pleased about this? Not fully. I'd rather him be healthy for a full season that matters. However, he says he would have played through this in the middle of the season, too. And he knew that the only healthy replacement on the bench was catcher Brian McCann.

So even if Wright loses a game or two from this display of manliness (and it doesn't look like he will) could I really be upset that he chose to represent help out our national team? Well considering I made apologies for Rey Ordonez and Luis Lopez after they both missed games from injuries that resulted from a fist fight on the team bus that broke out over a glove - - no, I can't fault David for loving 'Merica.

PS - How did we not have a 'Merica tag yet? For shame!

Sharpening the Saw

I can’t imagine what it would be like to have lived before the Internet. Yeah, I was alive before it was really widespread, but it’s been around for most of my life. I just feel like people would know so much less without it. It makes so much knowledge so widely available, it’s really just an awesome thing. The Internet was throwing all sorts of things at me today, almost overwhelming the two hours I have between classes.

Weird things have been happening all over the place. First, Rome. Or en route to Africa. Whatever. The Pope said stuff here. He was right, then he was wrong. First he said, correctly, that simply distributing condoms in Africa wouldn’t fix the AIDS crisis over there. It would be a good place to start, but he’s right, it’s not some panacea, there will still be AIDS. But then the Pope said something that, had I not been accustomed to the crazy that spews from his mouth, would have made my head explode. He said that distributing condoms would make things worse. He didn’t say how this would happen, probably because the only rationale for such a crazy stance would be that Jesus would come down from heaven wearing a flaming suit of armor to duel a fourteen foot tall AIDS monster on the moon, but all the condoms in Africa would weaken him (they’re his kryptonite), and the AIDS monster would win. I think that’s the only way that distributing condoms would make AIDS a bigger problem.

Buried within that same article was another asinine statement from the Pope. Speaking about the global economic crisis, Benedict has called for international solidarity with Africa, but has no specific solutions. Maybe he could give some of the trillions of dollars that the Church has squirreled away in art and crap throughout Europe to poor people. Jesus told the tax collector to give all his possessions to the poor, remember it’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get to Heaven, so maybe the Church, and I recognize that this is crazy, should do what Jesus was saying.

Shifting gears, the BBC has done some pretty sketchy research, and they’re saying that Cleopatra may have been at least part African. They came to this conclusion by looking at the remains of someone who may have been her sister Arsinoe. Of course, these bones could just as likely, if not more likely, belong to someone else entirely. But the skull that they’ve been looking at has a lot in common with Egyptians and Africans, instead of the Greeks from whom Cleopatra was originally thought to have been descended. There isn’t enough here to make me believe that Cleopatra was anything other than Greek. But it wouldn’t surprise me if this did turn out to be true. Cleopatra was the first Ptolemaic ruler of Egypt to actually know Egyptian, and a bunch of other languages as well, so it would be kinda cool if she were part African as well.

Ok, dinosaurs. I’m going to start with the less cool one to build things up. Researchers in Alberta have found a small dinosaur, the smallest carnivore in the United States, which is basically a miniature raptor. It’s less than two feet tall, with claws and teeth, and strikes me as being just a little ball of hatred. This is another dinosaur that I wish were still around, as there are all sorts of possibilities for amusement. First, of course, Michael Vick would probably own like 80 of these things. And it would be crazy to watch them fight. Maybe others could be domesticated, and people could have these little dinosaurs as pets. I just think that would be pretty cool.

But the much crazier find is some sort of giant sea monster that people have found in the arctic. Referred to as Predator X, a type of pliosaur, this thing must have been the apex predator of its time, pretty much just invincible under water, as long as it wasn’t fighting a Megalodon (and it wouldn’t because they lived in different areas). Predator X, as I’m going to keep referring to it, was fifty feet long, more than ten feet of which were devoted to its skull. And mouth. Hell, its teeth were each about a foot long. But the best part about it is its jaw strength. Predator X could snap its jaw shut with 33,000 psi of force. For the sake of comparison, the average PSI of an alligator, pretty much the modern gold standard, is 3,200 psi. Humans can muster about 150 psi, and lions and tigers can top 1,000 psi. Hell, scientists estimate that the average T Rex could only bite with around 8,000 psi. Predator X was just animalistic. It would still probably get wrecked by a Megalodon, but it still must have been a pretty cool animal

Thumbs 2: Thumb Harder

Thumbs Up – The Netherlands. The Sidney Ponson-led baseball juggernaut knocked the Dominican Republic out of the World Baseball Classic, and managed to make Jose Reyes look like a bitch in the process. At least the choking was condensed to one game here, rather than the entire month of September.

Thumbs Down – Davey Johnson, manager of Team USA in the WBC. For some reason, Johnson keeps giving Derek Jeter playing time over Jimmy Rollins. This bothers me not only as a Phillies fan, but also as an American. Rollins is great defensively, Jeter can't go to his left. Jimmy can run, and hit for both power and average; Jeter is declining asa batter. Team USA is better with Rollins on the field.

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Thumbs Up- Spring Break. I teach for a living, and after any given week I'm ready for a week off. When I finally get that week off (as I will starting after school on Friday) it's heavenly. And this particular one is especially so as it features St. Paddy's day and the start of the NCAA Tourney. It doesn't get much better than that.

Thumbs Down- The week before Spring Break. Holy hell. If my kids are usually shit heads, then they are like shit heads on crack this week. This happens every time (the week before Christmas break was the longest week of my life)! I stood in disbelief while a 16 year-old stormed out of my classroom screaming "You got me fucked up!" because I told her to wait 5 minutes before I let her go to the bathroom. Aren't kids adorable?

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Thumbs Up – www.sporcle.com. Far and away one of the best ways to kill an afternoon on the internet. Sporcle caters to the quizmaster within us all, challenging its viewers to name all of the elements on the periodic table or World Series Champions in sequential order. The categories vary from Movies to Geography to History; there really is something for everyone. So sit down by yourself or with a group of your friends (like most things in life, Sporcle makes for an excellent drinking game) and try to name all of Batman’s nemeses. Just don’t let your teacher or your boss catch you.

Thumbs Down – Dunking. I know that dunking is one of the cornerstones of this great country of ours and that all Americans are entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of mad air, but there’s a time and a place for it. Stories of premature dunking and the heartbreak they cause are rampant this week. St. Mary's was down 2-0 before the tip off against Gonzaga after a technical foul for dunking in warm ups. Even worse is this story where Harlem’s boys basketball team travelled 168 miles just to forfeit a game after one of their players broke the backboard with a pregame dunk. The coach basically told his kids, “I know it’s against the rules, but everyone else is doing it so go crazy. What’s the worst that could happen?” Turns out the forfeit of a division game and a quick trip to the loser’s bracket is the worst that could happen. I hope you feel real smart.

Heads Up

I just want to make sure everyone saw how the US - Venezuela game ended last night, specifically who got thrown out trying to steal second base in the ninth inning. Remember that until Friday, so I look like a fucking prophet.