Today on CNN: Morons!

Like every day, really. But this is a new low, even for this reputable news source.

Sierra Journey Factor is 8 and has spinal muscular atrophy, which essentially means that her musculature is decaying. Depending on severity (and the accuracy of the doctors at Wikipedia on whom I rely for all my medical advice) patients can either die in infancy or live to old age, which I suppose is also true of every person who has ever lived.

In order to combat this disease, Sierra's family has decided to fly to China so that Sierra can be injected with stem cells at the bargain basement rate of $26,500 (not to mention the $25,000 they expect to spend on travel and lodging).

According to Sierra's mom: "We are really walking into this blindfolded. It's scary, but everybody says it's so nice over there."

They got all of their information from a website called chinastemcellnews.com, which containts testimonials about the practice. It is also the leading home for grifting Snake Oil Salesman in the 21st century.

I mean come on, people! Would I pay $50,000 to improve the quality of life for my kid? Absolutely! Would I pay $50,000 for a Chinese quack to inject my daughter with medicine not currently used in America, solely because people said they were "nice"? Hell fuckin' no.

And nice?! What's "nice" about this?!

Happy Mothers' Day

I just saw this on CNN, and had to say something about it. They’re about to talk about President Obama’s speech/performance at the Correspondent’s Dinner last night. They showed the clip of him saying something like, “My next 100 days will be so successful that they will only last for 72 days. And on the 73rd day, I will rest.” Then the anchor came back on, saying that Obama was making fun of himself, others in his administration, and Republicans. Yeah, he did do all three of those things. But he was also making fun of the media. In fact, that’s who he was mocking in that quote. In the leadup to his 100th day, he was pretty forthright in acknowledging that it wasn’t a real milestone or anything, just a pure media creation. But the media kept pushing the hysteria. Between watching last night, and watching today, they’re just not acknowledging that the joke is on them too. It’s about as bad as watching Sarah Palin on SNL as Amy Poehlar (yeah, there’s no way I’m looking up how to spell that correctly) rapped about how much of a joke she was.

Speaking of Sarah Palin, I’m so good at segues. Also, at least last night Wanda Sykes was getting a lot of shit from the morally superior, humorless talking heads on MSNBC. Yeah, some of her jokes were mediocre, that was to be expected, she’s a mediocre comedian. But they weren’t offensive. The joke about Sarah Palin and pulling out seemed to bother some people. If you’re one of those people, fuck you. Yeah, it really sucks for her daughter that she got pregnant, and then couldn’t have an abortion because of her mother’s political ambitions. Or her religious convictions, whosever bullshit you want to believe. But if Bristol is going to be a national spokesperson for abstinence, she’s fair game for jokes.

As for Sykes’ jokes about Limbaugh, meh, fuck him. She wasn’t saying anything more offensive than he says on a daily basis. Back to studying. Happy Mothers’ Day.

Update: Biggest homophobe prize still up for grabs

Thanks to this late entry by Utah State Senator Chris Buttars:

(Concerning the "radical gay movement"): "They're probably the greatest threat to America going down I know of."

Right. People having consensual sex in the privacy of their own homes is going to bring us all down. That and not the failing economy.

And the coup-de-grace of the article:

Now, in the interview, senator Buttars also talks about a certain type of reported gay sexual activity which he claims is taking place.

But ABC 4 does not consider that appropriate for its news content.

Gotta wonder what that is, don't you?! And how would Buttars know about it? Hmmmm...

The Biggest Homophobe in the World

We here at SI really, really despise Fred Phelps (I'm going out on a limb here and speaking for everyone involved). But at the same time, I (and assuming again, everyone else here) am painstakingly fascinated by him.

In case you don't know, Fred Phelps is the founder of the Westboro Baptist Church, a super fundamental Christian Church founded out of the pure, unadulterated hatred of gays. The church's website is GodHatesFags.com. Straight to the point those fundamentalists.

If the name of the church sounds familiar, you've probably read about them in the news. They're the ones who protest the funerals of American soldiers who died in Iraq. If you're now confused about that jump (from hating fags to protesting fallen soldiers) allow me to connect the dots for you. The WBC is protesting those funerals to make sure all are aware that American soldiers are being slain by God as penance for our fag-loving ways. If that sounds illogical to you, you have a sound understanding of logic. They place a lot of this blame on George W. Bush. George W. "I love homosexuality so much I want to constitutionally ban it" Bush. These people do not praise rationality as much as they praise big ol' JC.

But the WBC doesn't just frequent funerals, they're also lovers of the arts. They love picketing theatrical productions like "The Laramie Project," the play written about the violent murder of Matthew Shepard in an effort to curb homophobia. A few years ago, GodHatesFags.com had a running counter of the number of years, months, days, hours, minutes, and seconds that Matthew Shepard had been in Hell. Nice.

Well, in an effort to halt the world's slow descent into hell, Fred and his followers are traveling to England to protest a performance of "The Laramie Project" there. The church recently answered some questions about their trip there. I recently tore apart those answers:

1) Is this your first picket in the UK?

1. It is the first actual picket. We have been preaching by so many means to the UK for years. The arm of the Lord our God is not shortened by oceans and things, all of which, he created, and all of which he knew about when he considered these last hours of the very last days of all.

So in response to the question you actually asked, Mr. Interviewer - - yes. This is our first picket in the UK. Period.

But since you've graciously provided us with more than we asked for (like always!) allow me to pay you back with my thoughts. Let's assume God did create "oceans and things." If he created all of these things, he most certainly created the tools necessary to make anal beads. Just a fun thought.

2) Are you flying across to Britain, or is the picket being carried out by members in Britain? If you are flying over, how many protesters are you expecting and when are you arriving?

2. Considering that your nation has tried in many ways, including with draconian laws to shut up the Word of God from OFF your landscape, and to make it a crime to plainly say what the STANDARDS of GOD are, (e.g. THOU SHALT NOT lie with mankind as with womankind, it is abomination or THOU SHALT NOT commit adultery, etc.) that I will not be telling any details of our business to get where we need to be.

First, go ahead and add your own [sic]'s in there. I don't have the energy to type the same thing dozens of times. Second, I think we made her angry. She's writing in the big letters.

But while we're talking about standards from the Bible, how's this from WouldJesusDiscriminate.org concerning Matthew 19:10-12:

Here Jesus refers to "eunuchs who have been so from birth." This terminology ("born eunuchs") was used in the ancient world to refer to homosexual men. Jesus indicates that being a "born eunuch" is a gift from God.

This is in addition to all of that "love one another" and "be good stewards of my creation" nonsense JC was always babbling on about.

3) What is your objection to The Laramie Project?

3. We don't object to it, we see it as a glorious preaching moment. It creates a PERFECT backdrop for us to help YOU connect the dots. From the least to the greatest of the people of the UK, including your lamenting and rebellious and disobedient Gordon Brown. You taught your children FOR GENERATIONS now that God is a big fat liar and that HIS standards are on the table to dispose of. You BROKE their moral compass.

The prophet said - WHAT WILL YE DO IN THE END THEREOF. That is to say for you rebels - WHAT will you do when you get to the end of this road of your filthy disobedient manner of life and find that you have incurred the wrath of God and you find that his promises to make your people to be ALTOGETHER WORTHLESS, GOOD FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! And what will you do when you all land in hell FOR EVER where the worm that eats on you NEVER dies and the fire is NEVER quenched and the smoke of your torment ascends up for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever - never ending...

FOR-EH-VER. Sorry, I just really love "The Sandlot".

...Now suddenly you see that they have NO standards! And then you can add to this pleasant little happy UK family moment that another 13-year-old boy has arisen to dispute paternity! Oh yea baby - you UK rebels truly have it goin on! You are like the Doomed american rebels - just a big shameful MESS!!

You just got served, fag lovers!

I say we are dot connecters! THAT is our job! We use the Laramie Project to tell you unambiguously and unapologetically that your DUTY is to fear God and keep his commandments and that you are required to give the glory of all his judgments that he is executing RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE, TO HIM! The God Smacks are HIS WORK!

We are the dot connectors! We slay that shit on the kids menu at Friendly's! Where you saw a smattering of dots we saw the truth! And that truth was a polygon-ized quasi Shrek looking thing that we fleshed out in crayon! Yeah!!!

4) Why have you decided to widen your protests to Britain?

4. Here is the reason - from the mouth of the Lord Jesus Christ, to wit: Mt 24:14 And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come...

Yada yada yada, fire and brimstone, blah blah blah, misappropriated biblical quotes, yap yap yap. Same old, same old there. But notice one important thing there: the legalese of "to wit". That's right, there are tons of lawyers in the Phelps family. Tons! In fact, Freddy himself used to be a very successful and lauded Civil Rights attorney. Until he was disbarred.

Moving on...

The antichrist is sitting now, in the Whitehouse, the time is SO SHORT - the Lord is coming and this generation is DOOMED!

Only Americans would assume the root of all evil would have to be housed on our soil. Typical.

You see the destruction already before your eyes! As filthy america goes down, and The Beast Obama, That Son of Perdition, that Man of Sin gets his power grab on, you will all give over the power of your government to him and when you see that phony façade fall away, and he gets his war on and all your fawning over him turns to great fear, then you can remember these words.

Is it weird that when I hear about Obama "getting his war on" the President takes on a decidedly Leon Phelps-ian look in my mind?

In that hour, if you or any other soul in the UK has a heart to know your God, and you understand that the end is near, you can yet put away your idols, your false gods and your FILTHY manner of life and you can serve the Lord your God in truth! THAT is your only hope.

Right. Serve your God in the truth that you should advocate violence against innocents. Right.

Well, this whole rant must be nearing a close. All of this fag hating is tiring! Time to gear up for the final sermon. Crack your knuckles, sharpen your righteousness, here it comes!

Thanks for asking!

Shirley Phelps-Roper

Oh come on! You can't work me up like that and not finish me off! What was all that hot sodomy talk about if you weren't going to let me finish?! Fuck, now I'm pissed.

Dickhead

Wow. It's a good thing you teach chemistry and not math, Mr. Gerber. And anyway, I actually had no idea how many posts we've had. But since we are getting close to 100, and it seems like something you want, I'm not going to let you have it. This post, and the one that comes right after it, will have much less content than your attempt at 100. Fucker.

Vatican City Exports: Coins, Stamps, Stupidity

So this has been a pretty big weekend for the Holy See to say and do dumb things. More than most weekends, I swear.

First, a senior Vatican official predictably criticized President Obama for once again permitting government funding for family planning groups that operate outside of the United States. That’s fine, that’s their belief and everything, but, well, he said some dumb things, calling this “the arrogance of someone who believes they (sic) are right.” I guess this is somehow different from the arrogance of the Church in telling people not to vote for pro-choice politicians because the Church believes it is right. Or maybe not? Whatever, fuck them.

The Pope must have decided that he couldn’t let any of his subordinates steal the dumbass spotlight from him, though, so he did stuff too. Most notably, he reinstated four bishops who had been excommunicated by John Paul II. The bishops, members of the Society of St. Pius X, an utterly forgettable Pope who’s notable only because he chose the same name as Pius IX and rejected any form of modernization, were excommunicated because some French guy made them Bishops, not the Pope. Whatever, if Benedict is cool with that, fine, I’d have no problem with papal primacy being slightly diminished. I don’t even care that they oppose the Second Vatican Council, which is one of the only things the Church has done right in a really long time. But one of the guys refutes the Holocaust. Despite pretty much everything pointing the other way, this dumbass is siding with people like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in saying that Hitler didn’t have a deliberate policy to kill Jews. And now he’s a Bishop again. What the hell, how is this ok? Shouldn’t this guy be in a Pius XII society instead? And does Benedict really think that this guy is going to shepherd souls into Heaven? Ugh, I guess this is what happens when the Pope was a member of the Hitler Youth. How close are we to opening Mass with "In nomine Patris, et Fuhrer, et Spiritus Sancti?"

I'll shoot your eye out

To start, let’s make one thing very clear: I’m all for ridiculing stupid children. People do dumb things all the time, and I usually end up thinking less of them for it. I’ve never really differentiated between children and adults, because most adults are just as dumb as children. But there’s a line between ridiculing a kid for doing something dumb and writing an article about it for some news channel’s website. That’s unnecessary.

Here’s the story, which I found at Keith Law's site: to summarize, a ten-year-old boy, on a dare, licked a frozen light pole. His tongue got stuck, and ambulance came, and the boy pulled his tongue off with a little bleeding. And, unfortunately, this all happened in the town that the town in A Christmas Story was based on.

Yeah, that this kid did this was pretty stupid. But seriously, why did someone decide that this was worthy of being reported as real news? Israelis are Palestinians are blowing each other up, a new President is being inaugurated in less than a week, Russia is probably doing something badass right now, and WKYC is reporting on a kid licking a light pole. Fuck them, that’s like the most base, common denominator garbage imaginable.

Of course, this article is listed in the Watercooler section of the site. Are they suggesting that working adults should stand around making fun of a ten year old? Is that what working people do, like is that regular practice? I mean, not to be a dick, but maybe if people in Cleveland focused more on their jobs and less on dumb kids licking light poles I wouldn’t have had to hear for months about how shitty Ohio’s economy is.

Also, here’s a unrelated bit of stupidity from between Contracts and Civil Procedure. Speaking about a kid who’s been absent all week, a dumbass, completely seriously, said, “What if Chavez was never here? What if he’s just a figment of our imagination?” Yeah, that’s more likely than him being sick.

EDIT: The Chicago Tribune has picked up this story now. I'm pretty sure it's decisions like this that have forced them to file for bankruptcy.