A Modest Proposal for the Looming Medicare Crisis

It seems all this hand-wringing over the aging American population and its potentially catastrophic impact can finally end.

On a Sunday morning at the Costco in Raleigh, N.C., Ron Moerbe filled his shopping cart with all the things a self-described aging, hearing-challenged diabetic might need: some amplifying earphones, organic cucumbers and a case of 5-Hour Energy shots.

That's "all the things a self-described aging diabetic might need?!" Here's a list of ten things I can think of that said person might need from Costco beyond the aforementioned spartan list:

Toilet paper
Insulin
Vegetable peeler for that organic cucumber
Something to eat other than a cucumber
James Patterson novels
Potable liquids of any kind
One of those unreasonably large tubs of Cheeze Balls
Batteries
The box sets of "Murder, She Wrote" and "Matlock" (why choose between them?)
Condoms

How is 5 Hour Energy #3 on the list? I understand you're going for a kitsch opening to an article about 5 Hour Energy, but your premise is fatally flawed.

The 65-year-old salesman says he drinks up to three a day to stay alert when he's on the road. He scoffs at the idea that he might be too old for the stuff. "I'm reverse discriminate," he says. "I don't see why kids need 'em."

My grandpa used to say this - - "How are you tired? You're just a boy!" - - like tired is something you grow. Like a beard.

Also, I'm no scientist, but three 5HEs (roughly 6000% of the RDV of B6 and 24999% of the RDV of B12, total) seems like far too much. In fact, 5HE thinks that's too much also. Here is the label of 5HE:

RECOMMENDED USE: Drink one half (1/2) bottle for moderate energy. Drink one whole bottle for maximum energy. Do not exceed two bottles of 5-hour ENERGY^® shots daily, consumed several hours apart. Use or discard any remainder within 72 hours (three days) after opening. Refrigeration not required.

When the company volunteers a warning, you know it's a keeper.

Their makers pitch them as a youthful tonic when coffee just isn't enough. "You know what 2:30 in the afternoon feels like, right?" a young fan asks on a late-night TV ad for 5-hour Energy.

I hate those ads. And since when are paid actors "fans?"

Also, virtually every old person I know switched to decaf 20 years ago. We're really asking these old coots to go from 0 to 60 in the energy department.

Now, the shots are appealing to a growing number of people over 60 who aren't ready to slow down with age. At the Raleigh Costco, cases of energy shots are stacked beside Ensure nutrition shakes and across from tubes of wrinkle cream.

Circumstantial at best. There may be an ad campaign aimed at seniors, but placing cases of 5HE next to products that people from many age groups and both sexes use is not evidence of that.

Last October, the company handed out thousands of samples at the annual AARP convention in Orlando. "It was amazing to see the number of people who took it right there and then," says Mr. Bhargava, who staffed the booth.

You were at an AARP convention! They probably thought it was cough syrup! We need to be careful with how much spare change we leave lying around so that my grandma doesn't end up eating it. If we handed her some, she would surely ingest it.

In January, 5-Hour began running full-page ads in the AARP Bulletin, which is delivered to 22 million households. The ad shows John Ratzenberger, best known as postman Cliff Clavin on "Cheers," holding a bicycle. "Getting older is fine," says the 64-year-old Mr. Ratzenberger. "But not having the energy to do the things I enjoy isn't."

In the history of our great nation, how much influence has been gained by scaring the shit out of old people?

Turns out, 5HE brought in $1 billion last year, due in large part to the new-found zeal for the product among the elderly. Shit, old people really love this shit! Is there any downside?

Sold as dietary supplements, energy shots don't require Food and Drug Administration approval.

Hmmm...

A study in the journal Pediatrics in February warned that consumption of too many energy drinks can give children heart palpitations, seizures and other problems.

Welp, there you have it. If 5HE seizures are sort of like the virus in "The Andromeda Strain," we're about to have a lot fewer old people on hand. If your elderly loved ones have any hobbies that require wakefulness, make sure their affairs are in order.