Curses are dumb

People, for the most part, are stupid. They watch Fox News, take quizzes on Facebook, and are responsible for Larry the Cable Guy. Most appallingly, though, many of them believe in sports curses. Even the writers of this site aren’t above this; at least part of Gerber believes that the Mets are sucking so badly this year because they started an affiliation with the AAA Buffalo Bison (pronounced bi-zon). But that’s asinine. The Mets are struggling because they have a terrible GM, who was brought in to replace a terrible GM, who in turn replaced another terrible GM. They don’t pay overslot for draft picks, opting instead to do things like giving $25 million contracts to Luis Castillo. And, well, everyone on that team, with the exception of Johan Santana, is a little bitch. There is no curse. Here are the real reasons behind some other famous sports curses.

Let’s get the biggest one out of the way, the Curse of the Bambino. The Red Sox went from 1918 to 2004 without winning the World Series. Some people thought that it was because the franchise was cursed, doomed to mediocrity because they had sold promising pitcher George Ruth to the Yankees. Other people realize that this 86 year stretch happened mostly because Tom Yawkey, longtime Red Sox owner, was a terrible, terrible racist. He had the first chance to sign Jackie Robinson, but he passed. Robinson and Ted Williams in the same lineup? Damn. The team also had the chance to sign Willie Mays, Hank Aaron, and Ernie Banks. Declined on all three. Seriously, the Red Sox didn’t integrate until after Jackie Robinson had retired. The Yawkey family sold the team before the 2003 season. Since then? Two World Series.

Whining about curses isn’t exclusive to the American League. Cubs fans do it too. They call it the Curse of the Billy Goat. It’s not worth repeating here. The real reason the Cubs haven’t won a World Series since 1908? Their winningest pitcher is Charlie Root. How much success could they legitimately expect?

Curses aren’t exclusive to baseball either. Just ask a Detroit Lions fan. In 1958 the team traded quarterback Bobby Layne to the Steelers. Layne allegedly said that the Lions wouldn’t win for fifty years. They haven’t. What can explain this curse? Well, Barry Sanders is the only memorable Lion I can think of. He realized the futility of playing for the Lions and retired early. Here’s a list that some guy made of the top 75 Lions of all time. Look at the top 10. Seven of them played all, or a significant portion, of their career before 1958. You have to go down to #59 on the list to find a quarterback who played after Layne.

Some curses affect more than one team, afflicting whole cities. Until this past October, Philadelphia was plagued by the Curse of William Penn. Prior to the Phillies becoming World Fucking Champions, no Philadelphia team had won a title since One Liberty Place was built, becoming the first building to rise higher than the statue of William Penn on the top of City Hall. There was no curse. People like Rich Kotite, Ray Rhodes, and Donovan McNabb’s gaping vagina kept the Eagles from winning the Superbowl. The Flyers never won the Stanley Cup because they’ve had goalies like Roman Cechmanek, Robert Esche, Garth Snow, a very old John Vanbiesbrouck, and Martin Biron. The Sixers didn’t win anything because they were never able to find anyone good who could play with AI. And the Phillies, the losingest team in all of sports, were held down by decisions like putting in Mitch Williams, giving Ed Wade a job, letting Ed Wade keep his job, and still not firing Ed Wade. Plus, they never should have traded Larry Bowa and that second baseman throw in.

And the Phillies just won, sweeping the Cubs. Time to go do something else.

Oh, hey, look, we still have a blog

Ok, so we haven’t said much recently. Whatever, it’s summer. Here are a bunch of words that won’t really say much of anything.

Right now I’m watching the Mets beat the Cardinals. Thrilling. I’m sorry, but the Mets just are not a good baseball team right now. I don’t see how they’ll make the playoffs this year. Nelson Figueroa is pitching well though, bailing out an injured Jon Niese. Honestly, this game hasn’t been all that exciting. My favorite part so far has been learning that Jeff Francoeur has yet to draw a non-intentional walk since being traded. Also, Pujols has a six at bat hit streak going, with at least two doubles and two home runs in that stretch. In his most recent plate appearance, though, he was hit in the forearm. David Wright better watch out next time he comes up.

Last night Prince Fielder went nuts after being hit with two outs in the ninth, rampaging through the bowels of Dodger Stadium looking for Guillermo Mota. Um, ‘roid rage? Let’s be honest, he’s probably been doing that stuff since he was twelve. Dodgers-Brewers game tonight could be a shit show. Or, more likely, the umpires will warn both dugouts before the first pitch, and the game will be boring.

HBO is offering August Rush on demand through the end of August. It’s such a good movie, I can’t think of anything better to watch when hung over. I think they blew it by not marketing the movie that way.

Cardinals just threw at David Wright’s head! Bottom six, Mets are up 7-0. Wright got out of the way. Warnings issued. Wright grounds into a double play. Last Thursday, some Giants pitcher had the audacity to throw at Chase Utley’s head. Four pitches later Utley put the ball out of the park. I know it’s just anecdotal, but maybe this is why the Phillies are the reigning World Fucking Champions and the Mets are, well, the Mets. And seriously, I can’t overstate how cool Chase Utley is.

The GI Joe movie comes out Friday. I’ve been alternating between excited and terrified. They’ve been advertizing it so much I feel like they’re trying to trick people into going to see it. Whatever, there’s no way I won’t see it. And it’s GI Joe, so it’s going to be good. I just found out today that it was written by the people who wrote Four Brothers. That was a movie that I expected to be awful, but it actually wasn’t bad at all. So I guess there’s hope. The fight between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow needs to be really bad ass. Really though, I think everything is going to come down to these accelerator suits. If they’re as idiotic as they sound, the movie is probably fucked. But if they’re ok, there’s hope.

Francoeur just drew a walk! Swear to God. That’s probably a good note to end on.