All Star Team

The Phillies have been playing the Nationals this weekend, and it’s been going well. The Nationals are not a good team. I thought about how they could be better. First, they should accept that they’re not going to win this year, and actually let the younger players play. They never should have sent Milledge down, that was just idiotic. And now he has a broken hand. But then I started thinking about how cool it would be if someone could have Roy Hobbs play for them. That naturally led to me making an entire team of fictional movie baseball players. Way too much time and thought went into this:

Leading off and playing center field is Willie Mays Hayes, who’s just a pure leadoff hitter. He has great speed, both on the bases and in the outfield.

Batting second and playing third base is Benny the Jet Rodriguez. He’s pretty much the perfect choice to hit second, for his ability to move runners. If he was able to put a ball right into Smalls’ glove, he’ll be able to hit behind a runner or second, or take advantage of the hole that would open up with a first baseman holding Hayes. He also has a lot of speed, just look at that nickname, and will spend a lot of time on base.

Batting third is my shortstop, and possibly the best hitter on the team, Joe Hardy. If a guy sells his soul to the Devil for his ability, he better be great, and Hardy was, hitting over .500 in a stacked American League. Seriously, Satan-given talent, he’s good.

The cleanup hitter in this lineup was probably the easiest choice to make, right fielder Roy Hobbs. When he walks down the street people look up and say, “There goes Roy Hobbs, the best there ever was in this game.” You know you’re hearing the music in your head right now.

Protecting Hobbs in the lineup is another power hitter, first baseman Clue Haywood. Although he couldn’t lead the Yankees past the Indians for the pennant, he did hit for the Triple Crown. He’s an intimidating veteran presence in the lineup.

Batting sixth is the catcher, Crash Davis. I have issues with Bull Durham. Davis was a switch-hitting catcher with power from both sides of the plate. There’s no way he wouldn’t have had a major league career. It just doesn’t make sense.

For the seventh spot in the lineup, I’m shifting a natural centerfielder to left: Kelly Leak. Yeah, he’s young, but there’s a lot of upside here. I mean, he hit over .800 for the Bears. Plus, he has a Harley.

The eighth spot in this lineup, second baseman, was the hardest to fill. I ended up choosing Tanner Boyle, converting him from shortstop. He’s young, but really not all that good. Really, I see him as the David Eckstein of this team. He’s gritty, plays hard, and is hilariously offensive. I don’t know if that last part is true for Eckstein, but I like to think it is.

The ninth spot in the order is filled by the pitcher. If I’m making up a team, it’s a given there won’t be a DH. It’s un-American.

The ace of my pitching staff is Billy Chapel. If someone can throw a perfect game in his last career start, there’s something special there. Hall of Famer.

The second starter, the Sain to Chapel’s Spahn, is another Hall of Famer, Henry Wiggen. Also, it doesn’t hurt that he’s a pretty good guy.

The third spot in the rotation goes to another young player with a lot of upside, Nuke LaLoosh. Having Davis on this team will really help him reach his potential.

The fourth starter may be somewhat controversial, but is really just a winner, and deserves a spot on this team. Kit Keller may not have the ability of Nuke or some of the other starters, but she’s a competitor.

Rounding out the rotation is another veteran presence, Chet Steadman. He may not be The Rocket anymore, but he can still put batters away.

Closing for the team, which as I type this really needs a name, will be Rick Vaughn. His nickname is the Wild Thing, he needs to close. He even has a theme song!

Also in the bullpen are Henry Rowengardner, John Rhoades, Duke Temple, Jim Bowers, who in addition to being a good reliever is a great clubhouse presence, and Mel Clark, who hopefully will be just as good without Angels backing him up.

On the bench are Moonlight Graham (I broke my one rule about real people because I really wanted him on this team. He’s gotta play at some point.), Pedro Serrano, Marla Hooch, The Whammer, Jake Taylor, and Lou Collins.

Managing this team is another easy decision: Jimmy Dugan. I’m pretty sure this team is unbeatable.