Klawchat 5/2/24.
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Thursday, June 25, 2009
More Steroids
It’s been a while since we’ve done something terribly irresponsible and potentially libelous here. This strikes me as a good time to change that. Obviously, there have been a lot of people saying dumb things about baseball players and steroids. First, there was that guy talking about Raaauuuuul, and the ridiculousness of people flipping out over that. Then, it was released that Sosa tested positive in ’03. No one was surprised, but some people were laughably indignant. Whatever, it doesn’t bother me.
So anyway, of the 104 players who tested positive in 2003, two names have now been confirmed, Alex Rodriguez and Sammy Sosa. For the mathematically challenged, that leaves 102 players still quaking with fear at the thought of exposure. Well, probably not quaking, but it may be on their mind. Maybe. Anyway, here is the list of 102 players who I think comprise that list. Just a couple notes on how this list was built. First, it’s all pretty much bullshit. I didn’t do anything like look for trends in career statistics. I didn’t look at statistics at all. And I wouldn’t say I’m necessarily accusing any of these players of doing steroids, just that it wouldn’t surprise me if they had. Also, there are a couple names that only made this list because their inclusion will piss off Gerber (be sure to wish him a happy birthday today). Ok, here’s my list:
Players named in the Mitchell Report who also probable tested positive in ’03:
Chad Allen, Larry Bigbie, Barry Bonds, Kevin Brown, Alex Cabrera, Roger Clemens, Bobby Estelella, Ryan Franklin, Eric Gagne, Jason Giambi, Jeremy Giambi, Jay Gibbons, Jason Grimsley, Todd Hundley, Paul Lo Duca, Jason Manzanillo, Denny Neagle, Armando Rios, John Rocker, Benito Santiago, Scott Schoenweiss, Gary Sheffield, Miguel Tejada, Fernando Vina, and Matt Williams.
And now the rest:
Jose Acevedo, Wilson Alvarez, Jeff Bagwell, Rod Beck, Jay Bell, Ronnie Belliard, Adrian Beltre, Joe Borowski, AJ Burnett, Eric Byrnes, Miguel Cairo, Vinny Castilla, Juan Castro, Shawn Chacon, Bruce Chen, Jeff Conine, Jose Cruz Jr., Ray Durham, Juan Encarnacion, Keith Foulke, John Franco, Aaron Fultz, Andres Galarraga, Troy Glaus, Juan Gonzalez, Tom Gordon, Kevin Gregg, Vladimir Guerrero, Travis Hafner, Todd Hollandsworth, Jorge Julio, Jeff Kent, Bobby Kielty, Ryan Klesko, Barry Larkin, Matt Lawton, Ricky Ledee, Travis Lee, Kenny Lofton, Braden Looper, Javy Lopez, Mike Lowell, Orlando Merced, Jose Mercedes, Kevin Millar, Kevin Millwood, Sergio Mitre, Raul Mondesi, Magglio Ordonez, David Ortiz, Lance Painter, Brad Penny, Mike Piazza, AJ Pierzynski, Sidney Ponson, Edgar Renteria, Dennys Reyes, Ivan Rodriguez, Tim Salmon, Jason Schmidt, Richie Sexson, Ben Sheets, Randall Simon, Alfonso Soriano, Mike Sweeney, TJ Tucker, Jose Valverde, Todd Van Poppel, Ugueth Urbina, Jason Varitek, Jose Vidro, Billy Wagner, Vernon Wells, Preston Wilson, Kerry Wood, Dmitri Young, and Victor Zambrano.
Obviously, this list won’t be 100% accurate. First of all, I only picked players I had heard of; when the list eventually comes out, and it will, there will undoubtedly be players on there that I am not familiar with. Second, some of the names on this list are ridiculous. Like, Victor Zambrano is only on there so I can mention him here, and then so I can write Scott Kazmir’s name. Mets fans’ heads are now exploding. Whatever, I don’t expect to get everyone right, I would be happy with a success rate of .367.
So anyway, of the 104 players who tested positive in 2003, two names have now been confirmed, Alex Rodriguez and Sammy Sosa. For the mathematically challenged, that leaves 102 players still quaking with fear at the thought of exposure. Well, probably not quaking, but it may be on their mind. Maybe. Anyway, here is the list of 102 players who I think comprise that list. Just a couple notes on how this list was built. First, it’s all pretty much bullshit. I didn’t do anything like look for trends in career statistics. I didn’t look at statistics at all. And I wouldn’t say I’m necessarily accusing any of these players of doing steroids, just that it wouldn’t surprise me if they had. Also, there are a couple names that only made this list because their inclusion will piss off Gerber (be sure to wish him a happy birthday today). Ok, here’s my list:
Players named in the Mitchell Report who also probable tested positive in ’03:
Chad Allen, Larry Bigbie, Barry Bonds, Kevin Brown, Alex Cabrera, Roger Clemens, Bobby Estelella, Ryan Franklin, Eric Gagne, Jason Giambi, Jeremy Giambi, Jay Gibbons, Jason Grimsley, Todd Hundley, Paul Lo Duca, Jason Manzanillo, Denny Neagle, Armando Rios, John Rocker, Benito Santiago, Scott Schoenweiss, Gary Sheffield, Miguel Tejada, Fernando Vina, and Matt Williams.
And now the rest:
Jose Acevedo, Wilson Alvarez, Jeff Bagwell, Rod Beck, Jay Bell, Ronnie Belliard, Adrian Beltre, Joe Borowski, AJ Burnett, Eric Byrnes, Miguel Cairo, Vinny Castilla, Juan Castro, Shawn Chacon, Bruce Chen, Jeff Conine, Jose Cruz Jr., Ray Durham, Juan Encarnacion, Keith Foulke, John Franco, Aaron Fultz, Andres Galarraga, Troy Glaus, Juan Gonzalez, Tom Gordon, Kevin Gregg, Vladimir Guerrero, Travis Hafner, Todd Hollandsworth, Jorge Julio, Jeff Kent, Bobby Kielty, Ryan Klesko, Barry Larkin, Matt Lawton, Ricky Ledee, Travis Lee, Kenny Lofton, Braden Looper, Javy Lopez, Mike Lowell, Orlando Merced, Jose Mercedes, Kevin Millar, Kevin Millwood, Sergio Mitre, Raul Mondesi, Magglio Ordonez, David Ortiz, Lance Painter, Brad Penny, Mike Piazza, AJ Pierzynski, Sidney Ponson, Edgar Renteria, Dennys Reyes, Ivan Rodriguez, Tim Salmon, Jason Schmidt, Richie Sexson, Ben Sheets, Randall Simon, Alfonso Soriano, Mike Sweeney, TJ Tucker, Jose Valverde, Todd Van Poppel, Ugueth Urbina, Jason Varitek, Jose Vidro, Billy Wagner, Vernon Wells, Preston Wilson, Kerry Wood, Dmitri Young, and Victor Zambrano.
Obviously, this list won’t be 100% accurate. First of all, I only picked players I had heard of; when the list eventually comes out, and it will, there will undoubtedly be players on there that I am not familiar with. Second, some of the names on this list are ridiculous. Like, Victor Zambrano is only on there so I can mention him here, and then so I can write Scott Kazmir’s name. Mets fans’ heads are now exploding. Whatever, I don’t expect to get everyone right, I would be happy with a success rate of .367.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Howard Bryant is Prolifically Stupid
Dude, give it a rest already.
Did baseball choose money over integrity? Youbetcha. Was it the first time in history? Sub-question: are you out of your fucking mind?! I can count on one hand the number of times someone chose integrity over money.
And Jose Canseco offering steroids to every man, woman, and child in the 90s did not cause Wall Street to become greedier or GM to keep shitty books.
Now some tired stuff about how baseball says they want to move on, the cheaters are still getting away with it - - essentially everything he said in his article from two days prior - - so we'll just skip all of that.
Does management really want to rid the game of performance enhancers? If it does, here is what baseball should do:
Oh this should be good. This article is only 5 years removed from when every sports rag had to peddle a similar article out there. OK, Howie - - lay your innovation on me.
Let's part with this:
Such steps are not perfect, but they represent a start beyond the talk, a stronger deterrent for players. And in some way, they address the areas important to the public: the Hall of Fame and the idea that players not only escaped punishment but were rewarded for doing so.
Howard Bryant is really pimping this retribution thing hard! Are you starting to hear the jealousy in his voice like I am? One thing's for sure: if steroids could make you a better writer, Howard Bryant would be all hopped up on that shit. And I would have to say they certainly couldn't hurt at this point.
If you happen to be Sammy Sosa or Alex Rodriguez, or even Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds or Rafael Palmeiro, at this point, invincibility has been your best friend. You won. You got away with it. The large majority of your peers, your bosses and the people who pay to watch you play the game agree that using anabolic substances is cheating. On March 17, 2005, Sosa and Palmeiro testified to the House Government Reform Committee that using steroids was cheating.
Yet, you've all been caught and faced no sanction.
Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. More wrong than a dog fucking a donkey sucking on your mother's toes (and that shit is real wrong).
The jury is still out on Sosa and Rodriguez. At the very least, their images have been permanently altered; for Sosa, his 2005 Congressional testimony is already being reexamined, seemingly with the likelihood that perjury charges could be brought. Those two have been outed too recently though to really analyze the situation.
Unless of course you're Howard Bryant and you only need 4 days to write 2 articles analyzing what everyone and their mother already new about Sosa. Then you can draw as many conclusions as you like.
As for the others, we're past the point where we can say they got away scott-free. Roger Clemens is still under investigation by the FBI and a Grand Jury was convened to consider indicting him with perjury charges. That sounds exactly like the retirement I always envisioned for myself.
Barry Bonds, the all-time home run leader in MLB history, could not find a team to play for while he was still willing. Oh, and he's also under federal indictment for perjury. Man, I wish I got to relax like millionaire ex-baseball players do...
So far Rafael Palmeiro has the best case for being "untouchable." Except for the fact that he'll almost assuredly be the first player with 3,000+ hits and 500+ home runs not to be inducted on his first ballot. Oh, and he used Viagra.
Perhaps the Hall of Fame voters will punish you when it is time for induction, but from the institutions that matter -- Major League Baseball and the National Baseball Hall of Fame -- silence has governed.
Comprehending the second-greatest organizational failure in the history of the game has been left as an individual choice.
The second greatest organizational failure, eh? Then what was the first?
There is nothing clean about the steroids disaster. The commissioner is...
Nope, that's still the steroid scandal. Skip ahead, skip ahead...
The two greatest organizational failures in baseball history have closely mirrored the larger society.
Right. You mentioned that already. What's the other one?
The first -- the 60-plus years of segregated baseball -- reflected the unfortunate attitudes of the times.
Phew! That one took a while!
And are you sure about that, Sparky? First, isn't that more of an organizational failure for America than it is for baseball? It's not like everyone was walking around holding hands and we weren't telling people where they could stand, sit, eat, or shit and we weren't burning crosses on people's lawns and we weren't chastising mixed marriages and baseball was the only one saying you can't play with us. All of those things were happening all of the time, in and out of baseball.
And! Branch Rickey signed Jackie Robinson to a minor league deal in 1945 and brought him up to the majors in 1947 a full 7 years before Brown v. BOE of Topeka. So how exactly is that a failure on baseball's part? Wasn't baseball more trailblazing than they were failing?
The second -- the cynical, industrywide [sic] choice of money over integrity -- not only has poisoned baseball in the form of a runaway PED scandal but also has damaged institutions such as Wall Street and the banking industry.
You heard it here first (well, really, second because Howard Bryant keeps bringing up the same, tired, woefully inaccurate point, but I think you get my meaning) - - Major League Baseball is the reason why you had to foreclose on your house!Did baseball choose money over integrity? Youbetcha. Was it the first time in history? Sub-question: are you out of your fucking mind?! I can count on one hand the number of times someone chose integrity over money.
And Jose Canseco offering steroids to every man, woman, and child in the 90s did not cause Wall Street to become greedier or GM to keep shitty books.
Now some tired stuff about how baseball says they want to move on, the cheaters are still getting away with it - - essentially everything he said in his article from two days prior - - so we'll just skip all of that.
Does management really want to rid the game of performance enhancers? If it does, here is what baseball should do:
Oh this should be good. This article is only 5 years removed from when every sports rag had to peddle a similar article out there. OK, Howie - - lay your innovation on me.
1. Selig must place any player found to have used anabolic substances on baseball's ineligible list for at least a portion of his Hall of Fame eligibility. Keeping players out of the Hall of Fame is the only language players understand. Because of the money, they are untouchable.
So is it money that players respond to or is it the HoF? This whole time the greed of the MLB has caused all of America's problems, but now the revolving doors of the Hall of Fame (which are remarkably non-revolving) are the roost cause of inflation.
The commissioner needs to create a sliding punitive scale: 10 years on the ineligible list after the last active game for the 104 players whose names were on the 2003 survey testing list or in the Mitchell report or who violated the league policy from 2004 to 2009; lifetime ban for anyone caught using steroids starting in the 2010 season.
I really want to see who was on that 2003 survey list. But, it would be a really shitty thing to keep those players from the Hall of Fame. Why? Because they said they wouldn't get in trouble! Interesting strategy here, Cotton: let's have the MLB lie to improve it's moral standing.
Let's part with this:
Such steps are not perfect, but they represent a start beyond the talk, a stronger deterrent for players. And in some way, they address the areas important to the public: the Hall of Fame and the idea that players not only escaped punishment but were rewarded for doing so.
Howard Bryant is really pimping this retribution thing hard! Are you starting to hear the jealousy in his voice like I am? One thing's for sure: if steroids could make you a better writer, Howard Bryant would be all hopped up on that shit. And I would have to say they certainly couldn't hurt at this point.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Just Say the Word..
Ok. This one really pisses me off.
You can fire missiles into the Sea of Japan for a while before I really get pissed, though I certainly don't like it as is. But why the fuck is anybody still tolerating this?
Firing a missile on path for Hawai'i on July 4th? Fuck you very much. Why hasn't someone put that Munchkin understudy in his place?
You can fire missiles into the Sea of Japan for a while before I really get pissed, though I certainly don't like it as is. But why the fuck is anybody still tolerating this?
Firing a missile on path for Hawai'i on July 4th? Fuck you very much. Why hasn't someone put that Munchkin understudy in his place?
Wake Up and Smell the Anabolic Steroids
Sammy Sosa apparently tested positive for steroids. Everyone saw that coming. Except this guy.
A saying exists in baseball that the smartest person in any clubhouse is the guy with either the highest batting average or the most consecutive zeroes on his paycheck.
I have never heard that saying.
In other words, the superstars -- smart or dumb; black, white, Latino or Asian; old or young -- run the show.
Ok, let's say that adage does exist: why would that surprise you? And what does it matter how old, young, dark, or light someone is, your original point was that that person is a superstar and that's what matters. I already feel a migraine coming on.
Keep that in mind as you consider the New York Times report that Sammy Sosa is one of the 104 players who tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in baseball's 2003 survey testing because the news should not be met with an indifferent yawn, as if Sosa is just another in a long line of Hall of Fame-caliber talent biting the dust: Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez and now Sosa, all in the first half of the 2009 season alone. Instead, this news should be greeted with the kind of outrage reserved for the worst breaches of trust because you, Mr. and Mrs. Fan, have been taken for a very special kind of ride.
First: nay, sir. I was not taken for a ride. At this point (and I don't think I'm anywhere near the minority with this one) I'm more surprised when I wake up each morning and don't hear that one of my favorite players has an ear growing out of his forehead. Instead it was you, Mr. Sportswriter, who was taken for a very special kind of ride; very special because you were the only person on that ride.
It must have been soul-crushing when Howard Bryant found out that Santa wasn't real - - during his junior year of college.
Second: why are we supposed to be outraged about this one? How is this different from any of the other recently outed stars? Because he is in fact "just another in a long line of Hall of Fame-caliber talent biting the dust."
By now, that con game has been exposed completely and a new argument -- let's call it the "Alex Rodriguez Defense," used by players, fans and, unfortunately, some Hall of Fame voters -- has surfaced. This one suggests that these steroid-using superstar players were merely "caught up in a culture."
Yup. That's what happened. Look, in free agency, it's every man for himself. Especially in an arbitration system where a player is endlessly compared to his peers on paper alone, every edge counts. Beyond that, once you see that 3 out of 5 of your competitors are getting an edge at a pretty reasonable price (neglecting of course the harmful biological effects) you'd be likely to try it yourself.
It is one thing to lie, which is bad enough, but what these players have done is infinitely worse. They have lied, convinced that their good will and celebrity -- and batting averages -- would allow them just enough dispensation to get away with it, to drown out anyone not taken in by their false charms.
Chicks dig the long ball. And, not coincidentally, so does everyone in America. Mark McGwire saved baseball while he was hopped up on more bovine hormone than an actual Big Mac. Same goes for Sosa and Bonds. To condemn them for that now while we were all loving it is just as much deception and backstabbing as lying about steroids in the first place.
Even as the card house collapsed, the players knew the fans were just red-blooded capitalists who would forgive lying and cheating because there was big money at stake.
I don't think the players thought it through that much. I don't think they gave a shit about forgiveness; that never even crossed their minds.
How many times have we all heard the old saw? "Well, what would you have done for $10 million? You would've done the same thing."
Yes, you would have. I know I would have. I know a handful of people who I believe possess enough integrity to have said no in that situation. I don't count myself among them.
Now I'd like to think I would have done the Pettite thing and just owned up. "Yep, you got me. Real sorry about that. Honestly." Is it worse to continue to lie about it? Absolutely. But that's not the issue right now; the issue is why you're surprised that players who lied about this for the majority of their careers are going to change their tune now.
Ironically, it is the Phillies' Raul Ibanez, burned by a blogosphere that does not have to adhere to traditional journalistic standards, who now turns back to the mainstream media -- with all of their supposed "agendas" -- to defend his name.
I'm not going to discuss this point, it's already been beaten into the ground. But one thing: "a blogosphere?" If you're going to needlessly disparage someone's passion or hobby, at least know how to refer to it let alone what actually was said.
A saying exists in baseball that the smartest person in any clubhouse is the guy with either the highest batting average or the most consecutive zeroes on his paycheck.
I have never heard that saying.
In other words, the superstars -- smart or dumb; black, white, Latino or Asian; old or young -- run the show.
Ok, let's say that adage does exist: why would that surprise you? And what does it matter how old, young, dark, or light someone is, your original point was that that person is a superstar and that's what matters. I already feel a migraine coming on.
Keep that in mind as you consider the New York Times report that Sammy Sosa is one of the 104 players who tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in baseball's 2003 survey testing because the news should not be met with an indifferent yawn, as if Sosa is just another in a long line of Hall of Fame-caliber talent biting the dust: Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez and now Sosa, all in the first half of the 2009 season alone. Instead, this news should be greeted with the kind of outrage reserved for the worst breaches of trust because you, Mr. and Mrs. Fan, have been taken for a very special kind of ride.
First: nay, sir. I was not taken for a ride. At this point (and I don't think I'm anywhere near the minority with this one) I'm more surprised when I wake up each morning and don't hear that one of my favorite players has an ear growing out of his forehead. Instead it was you, Mr. Sportswriter, who was taken for a very special kind of ride; very special because you were the only person on that ride.
It must have been soul-crushing when Howard Bryant found out that Santa wasn't real - - during his junior year of college.
Second: why are we supposed to be outraged about this one? How is this different from any of the other recently outed stars? Because he is in fact "just another in a long line of Hall of Fame-caliber talent biting the dust."
By now, that con game has been exposed completely and a new argument -- let's call it the "Alex Rodriguez Defense," used by players, fans and, unfortunately, some Hall of Fame voters -- has surfaced. This one suggests that these steroid-using superstar players were merely "caught up in a culture."
Yup. That's what happened. Look, in free agency, it's every man for himself. Especially in an arbitration system where a player is endlessly compared to his peers on paper alone, every edge counts. Beyond that, once you see that 3 out of 5 of your competitors are getting an edge at a pretty reasonable price (neglecting of course the harmful biological effects) you'd be likely to try it yourself.
It is one thing to lie, which is bad enough, but what these players have done is infinitely worse. They have lied, convinced that their good will and celebrity -- and batting averages -- would allow them just enough dispensation to get away with it, to drown out anyone not taken in by their false charms.
Chicks dig the long ball. And, not coincidentally, so does everyone in America. Mark McGwire saved baseball while he was hopped up on more bovine hormone than an actual Big Mac. Same goes for Sosa and Bonds. To condemn them for that now while we were all loving it is just as much deception and backstabbing as lying about steroids in the first place.
Even as the card house collapsed, the players knew the fans were just red-blooded capitalists who would forgive lying and cheating because there was big money at stake.
I don't think the players thought it through that much. I don't think they gave a shit about forgiveness; that never even crossed their minds.
How many times have we all heard the old saw? "Well, what would you have done for $10 million? You would've done the same thing."
Yes, you would have. I know I would have. I know a handful of people who I believe possess enough integrity to have said no in that situation. I don't count myself among them.
Now I'd like to think I would have done the Pettite thing and just owned up. "Yep, you got me. Real sorry about that. Honestly." Is it worse to continue to lie about it? Absolutely. But that's not the issue right now; the issue is why you're surprised that players who lied about this for the majority of their careers are going to change their tune now.
Ironically, it is the Phillies' Raul Ibanez, burned by a blogosphere that does not have to adhere to traditional journalistic standards, who now turns back to the mainstream media -- with all of their supposed "agendas" -- to defend his name.
I'm not going to discuss this point, it's already been beaten into the ground. But one thing: "a blogosphere?" If you're going to needlessly disparage someone's passion or hobby, at least know how to refer to it let alone what actually was said.
But fans aren't the only suckers walking around today.
The writers did the same, and continue to do so. Some have decided to use their Hall of Fame votes in the affirmative for the game's great but disgraced players -- Sosa, Bonds, Clemens, Ramirez -- because the players were part of a larger culture.
Interesting that those guys have received HoF votes, seeing as how not a single one of them is eligible and two of them aren't retired (and one will definitely be playing in 2 weeks time). Jerk off.
Is this baseball or Wall Street? The cultural intention to defraud is the same.
Bazing! Good one. So let's haphazardly use your same faulty logic and lazy approach to research in another venue you're hopelessly unqualified to critique: finance! First, guy, what the fuck do you know about Wall Street? And b) I haven't been on the floor in a while, but I can't imagine the institutional goal of Wall Street is to defraud. Nor is it in baseball.
Today, it is not enough for a player merely to say he never used. Albert Pujols already did so on the cover of Sports Illustrated this year. Derek Jeter constantly has protected his legacy by saying "Not everyone is on this stuff." Both might never have used, but the words of Jeter or Pujols have no more value than Sosa's empty challenge to anyone questioning his accomplishments.
So you admit that you don't believe these guys! Then why the fuck are you so surprised?!
In the words of that old dude with leprosy from Braveheart: You let yourself be deceived.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Oh, Joe
Joe Morgan is still chatting on ESPN.com. He had a great answer to a question about the Braves today:
Well, the Braves do not have a consistent offense, first of all. Any time Chipper has some inconsistent days, its' even weaker. One of the biggest problems has been Jeff Francoeur, he has not been consistent the last couple of years. They need him if they're going to make any sort of run. As the team is constructed now, I don't think they could beat the Phillies or the Mets.
So many consistencies.
Well, the Braves do not have a consistent offense, first of all. Any time Chipper has some inconsistent days, its' even weaker. One of the biggest problems has been Jeff Francoeur, he has not been consistent the last couple of years. They need him if they're going to make any sort of run. As the team is constructed now, I don't think they could beat the Phillies or the Mets.
So many consistencies.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The Fuck?!?!
Donte Stallworth was sentenced today for killing a man. He got 30 days. That's one month. Vick was sentenced to 23 months just for killing some dogs. Seriously? Are dogs 23 times more important than people? I blame PETA. Fuck.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Mama Don't Let Your Baby Grow Up to Be a Country Music Fan: A Country-Work Orange
I've put this off for too long. Tonight is the night.
As a self-obsessed person, it bothers me on some level when I'm guided solely by instinct; I have too high of a regard for my intellect to believe that it can be over-ridden all nimbly bimbly all the time. And as far as I can tell, my instinct is to hate country music.
I'm sure that there are many adequate reasons to hate country music, but I can never put my finger on them. There are obviously very distinct attributes to the genre, but what troubles me is that for every trait of a country song that I complain about I can think of a song that I love that embodies the same trait. For every song with stupid lyrics, I'll show you a Weird Al song that I still like. For every predictable convention, I'll show you the 90s playlists on my iTunes. And above all, I love the Allman Brothers. I must figure out what really bothers me.
Tonight, I will do what few who hail from the Northeastern United States have ever done - - I will listen to country music for an indefinite amount of time without a break.
There are several possible outcomes here:
1) My ears may bleed. I'm prepared. My girlfriend is an audiologist and she's on speed dial.
2) I will discover nothing. Very likely. I might just quit. Time will tell.
3) I will win a Nobel Prize. Also likely. My article will revolutionize not only how we view country music, but how we conceive of consciousness.
4) I will grow to like country music. This unfortunate side-effect may occur. But just like the anal leakage that occurs from some prescription drugs, I'm willing to undergo this fate. In the name of science, of course.
I have chosen to listen to KAFF Country. This station has been chosen for it's current popularity (it broadcasts on both FM and AM frequencies out of Flagstaff, AZ) and since it tells me the name of the artist and the title of the song.
I will begin my study as soon as I get back with a stiff drink.
Song: Sideways
Artist: Dierks Bentley
Brief Description: Upbeat, power chords, electric guitar, standard song composition with verses, chorus, and bridge. Nothing disagreeable upfront.
Chorus:
And it’s hey now here we go.
DJ don’t you play nothing slow
Keep those girls out on the floor
Gotta make them want to come back for more.
Been here since the sun went down,
Be here when it comes back around
Worked all week it’s time to play
Gonna get a little bit sideways…
Sideways.
Comparable song(s) that I sort of like: Maybe a little bit of DMB's worst stuff in there, I could definitely feel a Kid Rock or Uncle Kracker vibe. And those are not good things.
Why I hate it: This one's lyrics based: the idea that we should celebrate Southern "culture". Of course, there's a reference to blue jeans. Of course there's red necks fighting in the parking lot. And talking to the DJ in a song went out with Kool and the Gang.
Song: Something's Gotta Give
Artist: Leann Rimes
Brief Description: Obviously female vocals. Pronounced fiddle and major chords with acoustic guitar.
Comparable Song(s) that I like: Nothing. Nothing at all. I guess maybe Devil Went Down to Georgia because of the fiddle, but that dude was way better on the fiddle than this ass hat.
Why I hate it: Something's gotta give?! When the title is a cliche, it already smells like hackneyed crap. In the first verse (and repeated thereafter) our female protagonist thought she would have a minivan by the time she had "31 candles on her birthday cake." Those are rockstar ambitions alright.
Song: Smalltown USA
Artist: Justin Moore
Brief Description: This song is the enemy.
Comparable Song(s) that I like: It sounds like a shittier version of God Bless the USA. Sort of like Black Sheep was for Tommy Boy.
Chorus:
Give me a Saturday night my baby by my side
A little Hank Jr. and a six pack of lights
Old dirt road and ill be just fine
Give me a Sunday morning that full of grace
A simple life and I'll be okay
Here in small town USA
Why I hate it: This is the quintessential country song. Over-the-top lyrics and message. The twang is unbearable. I imagine this is what plays on the beat-up boombox while Rednecks are putting up their make-shift border fences.
Song: One in Every Crowd
Artist: Montgomery Gentry
Brief Description: Somewhat funny song about the asshole friend in every group out at a bar. Nothing remarkable from a musical standpoint. Acoustic guitar and splashy cymbals.
Comparable Song(s) that I like: Nothing really sounds like it, but they do make references to Lynard Skynard for whom I do have a taste. Hmm.
Why I hate it: "There's one in every crowd, and it's usually me." That's the last line of the chorus. It's an uninspired version of "I've got Friends in Low Places." It's predictable and fails at being funny for an audience of moderate intelligence.
Song: Runaway
Artist: Love and Theft
Brief Description: The band name sounds like an album title. In fact it would be a pretty good album title. It's a typical formula, complete with the staccato snare drum fill before the chorus kicks in. Meh.
Chorus:
Comparable Song(s) that I like: It's a poor man's 3 Doors Down, in a way. But the lyrics and vocals were much more powerful from 3 Doors Down's first album, and they're only mediocre.
Why I hate it: I'm starting to pick up on a theme: the music itself sucks. When the vocals comprise the top part of the chord for more than the end of the song, I'm out. I want no part of this. The obvious troublesome comparison for this theory is Journey: I've got a super-gay love for "Don't Stop Believing." But I know that song to be just as distasteful for some as country is for me. Otherwise, if you're playing the fiddle and not melting someone's face or I can tell what's going to happen in your song while I'm hearing it for the first time, just stop.
Oh good, the KAFF country quiz (does it say something that they play Jazz during the dead air time on their internet station?). Good time to break and analyze that last chorus, which was a doozy.
Gonna pack my bags and never look back
"Pack my bags" has to be the most over-used, thinly-veiled metaphor for leaving in all of country music. I've heard it no less than 3 times in this short listening.
Run a parallel line with the railroad tracks, make my getaway
Well this seems ill-advised. Why run next to the tracks when you can just jump on? Use your head, kid.
Ill put the pedal to the metal as the sun goes down
So now we're driving? I thought we were just running parallel to the tracks? Why were you running in the first place if you had a car? Again, this is a poor getaway. And why are you leaving as the sun goes down? What happened to cover of darkness.?Everyone's gonna know you left dude!
Song: A Real Fine Place to Start
Artist: Sarah Evans
Brief Description: If country music is like a bad night at the theater, female vocals in a country song is like being trapped in a burning theater while seeing Cats for the 5th time.
Comparable Song(s) that I like: I think I covered this one above.
Why I hate it: I feel like I heard this song the last time some ugly harpy came through my headphones. We're at the cock-rock power guitar solo. Just look at these lyrics:
Holdin' you close, chasin' that moon.
spinnin' all night,
lovin' just who you are:
sparks flyin' in the dark.
shootin' out lights, huntin' down dreams,
figurin' out what love really means:
baby givin' you my heart,
is a real fine place to start.
The first lines are bad, but not unreasonably bad. I'll let them go.
Shootin out lights, huntin' down dreams
The letter g must feel so unappreciated in the South.
And shooting out lights must be running up your electric bill. We're in a recession. Act like it.
It's a real fine place to start
Not surprisingly, I have a semantic disagreement here. Ostensibly finding true love is a real fine place to start? Ok, then where is this start taking you? If most heart-sick girls dream of "true love" as you just described it, Ms. Evans, where do you hope we go from here?
You're being unreasonable and greedy and I won't stand for it.
Billy Joel is always my go-to counter-example to demonstrate useless lyrics. This is no different. More on that below.
Song: Since I Quit Drinkin'
Artist: Toby Keith
Brief Description: I actually laughed at this one. Maybe it's because I'm an alcoholic, who knows? The guy quits drinking and soon finds his wife to be intolerable. Not necessarily inventive, but not unfunny either.
Comparable Song(s) that I like: Maybe a funny Irish Pub Song like the Chandeler's Shop.
Why I hate it: This still isn't a song I can ever see myself listening to regularly. It sounds like a song I would laugh at on vacation, maybe listen to a time or two when I got back home, but would soon forget about and would never pay to own.
Theme of hatred #2: The emphasis on the mundane. We've seen people who long to drive minivans. We've heard the description of a typical Saturday night out, and heard the love of "a little grace on Sunday mornings." And now, all the humor in this song derives from household chores. I don't need to hear about your boring-ass life, even if you're making fun of how boring it is. It's boring; don't tell me about it.
Let's take a look at Billy Joel. "Piano Man" is also a song about a Saturday night at a bar. It also features some of the most genius lyrics of all time. Instead of "there's a guy playing piano and drinking a beer," "the piano sounds like a carnival, and the microphone smells like a beer." The old man doesn't get nostalgic about when there were "31 candles on his cake," but rather "when [he] wore a younger man's clothes." And it doesn't get more poetic than "they're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone."
You're a country singer- the ugly, abandoned step-child of the bard. At least pretend like you know what the word "poetry" means.
Song: Love Story
Artist: Taylor Swift
Brief Description: Starts with a plucking acoustic solo. This sounds like every female vocalist who's had any modicum of fame while my sisters have grown up and listened to the radio (Vanessa Carlton, JoJo, Michelle Branch, et al).
Comparable Song(s) that I like: [Blank stare]
Why I hate it: Theme of hatred #3: Predictability. Ok, the formula has proven to sell. I get it. Many find it enjoyable, if not palatable. Fine. But in this short session of shit, I have gotten to the point where I have predicted drum fills, guitar riffs, key changes, and even lyrics. I am not a musician. This is a problem.
Song: I Can Sleep When I'm Dead
Artist: John Michael Carroll
Why I hate it: YES!!!! This is it! This is the end! It's got everything that I hate and I can finally liberate myself from this hell. It starts with a kitschy low voice and the chorus is obnoxiously high. And then it alternates! And here again we see the rogue, wandering, rough neck man trope that is all too common. Look at these fuckin' lyrics:
If there's somethin' goin' on within a hundred miles from home,
Ya gonna hear my V-8 sing
Long as I can beat the train and they got a passing lane,
Baby, I ain't gonna miss a thing
Life's too fun and I'm too young and the night ain't over yet
Like I said I can sleep when I'm dead
First off - - bullshit. There's no way anything all that interesting is going on within 100 miles of home every night; there's just not that much within 100 miles of your home in most of this country (coastal regions notwithstanding). I often drive more than 4 hours at a time throughout the Midwest and I don't pass anything that even resembles the sort of urban area where something would be going on. Your just lying to me, and I don't take kindly to that.
And why are we still so obsessed with trains in country music? Is it because they're easy to rhyme with? I understand the role of the train in 19th century America for the artist, but aren't we a little past that? And if you're a songwriter, don't you think we could get a little better at rhyming? I've got a sister in 1st grade who could tell you a thing or two about rhyming with "train."
I must walk away from what I fear has drawn me in too deeply. I'll boil this down to my three points:
Country music is...
1) Musically unappealing. High vocals; twang; predictable, major chords; no virtuosity. Why bother? Not that this is any different with mainstream pop music, but then again, I don't listen to mainstream pop music either.
2) Where mundane shit abounds. I don't need to hear about you Tuesday afternoon.
3) Predictable. Everything sounds exactly the same. As far as I can gather, there are three types of country songs: the sappy girl-singing love song; the sappy boy-singing love song, and the up-beat, always-sung-by-a-man song about traveling or drinking.
And there you have it. Everything you need to know about country music. Any questions?
As a self-obsessed person, it bothers me on some level when I'm guided solely by instinct; I have too high of a regard for my intellect to believe that it can be over-ridden all nimbly bimbly all the time. And as far as I can tell, my instinct is to hate country music.
I'm sure that there are many adequate reasons to hate country music, but I can never put my finger on them. There are obviously very distinct attributes to the genre, but what troubles me is that for every trait of a country song that I complain about I can think of a song that I love that embodies the same trait. For every song with stupid lyrics, I'll show you a Weird Al song that I still like. For every predictable convention, I'll show you the 90s playlists on my iTunes. And above all, I love the Allman Brothers. I must figure out what really bothers me.
Tonight, I will do what few who hail from the Northeastern United States have ever done - - I will listen to country music for an indefinite amount of time without a break.
There are several possible outcomes here:
1) My ears may bleed. I'm prepared. My girlfriend is an audiologist and she's on speed dial.
2) I will discover nothing. Very likely. I might just quit. Time will tell.
3) I will win a Nobel Prize. Also likely. My article will revolutionize not only how we view country music, but how we conceive of consciousness.
4) I will grow to like country music. This unfortunate side-effect may occur. But just like the anal leakage that occurs from some prescription drugs, I'm willing to undergo this fate. In the name of science, of course.
I have chosen to listen to KAFF Country. This station has been chosen for it's current popularity (it broadcasts on both FM and AM frequencies out of Flagstaff, AZ) and since it tells me the name of the artist and the title of the song.
I will begin my study as soon as I get back with a stiff drink.
Song: Sideways
Artist: Dierks Bentley
Brief Description: Upbeat, power chords, electric guitar, standard song composition with verses, chorus, and bridge. Nothing disagreeable upfront.
Chorus:
And it’s hey now here we go.
DJ don’t you play nothing slow
Keep those girls out on the floor
Gotta make them want to come back for more.
Been here since the sun went down,
Be here when it comes back around
Worked all week it’s time to play
Gonna get a little bit sideways…
Sideways.
Comparable song(s) that I sort of like: Maybe a little bit of DMB's worst stuff in there, I could definitely feel a Kid Rock or Uncle Kracker vibe. And those are not good things.
Why I hate it: This one's lyrics based: the idea that we should celebrate Southern "culture". Of course, there's a reference to blue jeans. Of course there's red necks fighting in the parking lot. And talking to the DJ in a song went out with Kool and the Gang.
Song: Something's Gotta Give
Artist: Leann Rimes
Brief Description: Obviously female vocals. Pronounced fiddle and major chords with acoustic guitar.
Comparable Song(s) that I like: Nothing. Nothing at all. I guess maybe Devil Went Down to Georgia because of the fiddle, but that dude was way better on the fiddle than this ass hat.
Why I hate it: Something's gotta give?! When the title is a cliche, it already smells like hackneyed crap. In the first verse (and repeated thereafter) our female protagonist thought she would have a minivan by the time she had "31 candles on her birthday cake." Those are rockstar ambitions alright.
Song: Smalltown USA
Artist: Justin Moore
Brief Description: This song is the enemy.
Comparable Song(s) that I like: It sounds like a shittier version of God Bless the USA. Sort of like Black Sheep was for Tommy Boy.
Chorus:
Give me a Saturday night my baby by my side
A little Hank Jr. and a six pack of lights
Old dirt road and ill be just fine
Give me a Sunday morning that full of grace
A simple life and I'll be okay
Here in small town USA
Why I hate it: This is the quintessential country song. Over-the-top lyrics and message. The twang is unbearable. I imagine this is what plays on the beat-up boombox while Rednecks are putting up their make-shift border fences.
Song: One in Every Crowd
Artist: Montgomery Gentry
Brief Description: Somewhat funny song about the asshole friend in every group out at a bar. Nothing remarkable from a musical standpoint. Acoustic guitar and splashy cymbals.
Comparable Song(s) that I like: Nothing really sounds like it, but they do make references to Lynard Skynard for whom I do have a taste. Hmm.
Why I hate it: "There's one in every crowd, and it's usually me." That's the last line of the chorus. It's an uninspired version of "I've got Friends in Low Places." It's predictable and fails at being funny for an audience of moderate intelligence.
Song: Runaway
Artist: Love and Theft
Brief Description: The band name sounds like an album title. In fact it would be a pretty good album title. It's a typical formula, complete with the staccato snare drum fill before the chorus kicks in. Meh.
Chorus:
And pack my bags and never look back
Run a parallel line with the railroad tracks, make my getaway
Ill put the pedal to the metal as the sun goes down
Leave everybody sleepin in this sleepy town tonight
And at the break of day, Ill be a runawayComparable Song(s) that I like: It's a poor man's 3 Doors Down, in a way. But the lyrics and vocals were much more powerful from 3 Doors Down's first album, and they're only mediocre.
Why I hate it: I'm starting to pick up on a theme: the music itself sucks. When the vocals comprise the top part of the chord for more than the end of the song, I'm out. I want no part of this. The obvious troublesome comparison for this theory is Journey: I've got a super-gay love for "Don't Stop Believing." But I know that song to be just as distasteful for some as country is for me. Otherwise, if you're playing the fiddle and not melting someone's face or I can tell what's going to happen in your song while I'm hearing it for the first time, just stop.
Oh good, the KAFF country quiz (does it say something that they play Jazz during the dead air time on their internet station?). Good time to break and analyze that last chorus, which was a doozy.
Gonna pack my bags and never look back
"Pack my bags" has to be the most over-used, thinly-veiled metaphor for leaving in all of country music. I've heard it no less than 3 times in this short listening.
Run a parallel line with the railroad tracks, make my getaway
Well this seems ill-advised. Why run next to the tracks when you can just jump on? Use your head, kid.
Ill put the pedal to the metal as the sun goes down
So now we're driving? I thought we were just running parallel to the tracks? Why were you running in the first place if you had a car? Again, this is a poor getaway. And why are you leaving as the sun goes down? What happened to cover of darkness.?Everyone's gonna know you left dude!
Song: A Real Fine Place to Start
Artist: Sarah Evans
Brief Description: If country music is like a bad night at the theater, female vocals in a country song is like being trapped in a burning theater while seeing Cats for the 5th time.
Comparable Song(s) that I like: I think I covered this one above.
Why I hate it: I feel like I heard this song the last time some ugly harpy came through my headphones. We're at the cock-rock power guitar solo. Just look at these lyrics:
Holdin' you close, chasin' that moon.
spinnin' all night,
lovin' just who you are:
sparks flyin' in the dark.
shootin' out lights, huntin' down dreams,
figurin' out what love really means:
baby givin' you my heart,
is a real fine place to start.
The first lines are bad, but not unreasonably bad. I'll let them go.
Shootin out lights, huntin' down dreams
The letter g must feel so unappreciated in the South.
And shooting out lights must be running up your electric bill. We're in a recession. Act like it.
It's a real fine place to start
Not surprisingly, I have a semantic disagreement here. Ostensibly finding true love is a real fine place to start? Ok, then where is this start taking you? If most heart-sick girls dream of "true love" as you just described it, Ms. Evans, where do you hope we go from here?
You're being unreasonable and greedy and I won't stand for it.
Billy Joel is always my go-to counter-example to demonstrate useless lyrics. This is no different. More on that below.
Song: Since I Quit Drinkin'
Artist: Toby Keith
Brief Description: I actually laughed at this one. Maybe it's because I'm an alcoholic, who knows? The guy quits drinking and soon finds his wife to be intolerable. Not necessarily inventive, but not unfunny either.
Comparable Song(s) that I like: Maybe a funny Irish Pub Song like the Chandeler's Shop.
Why I hate it: This still isn't a song I can ever see myself listening to regularly. It sounds like a song I would laugh at on vacation, maybe listen to a time or two when I got back home, but would soon forget about and would never pay to own.
Theme of hatred #2: The emphasis on the mundane. We've seen people who long to drive minivans. We've heard the description of a typical Saturday night out, and heard the love of "a little grace on Sunday mornings." And now, all the humor in this song derives from household chores. I don't need to hear about your boring-ass life, even if you're making fun of how boring it is. It's boring; don't tell me about it.
Let's take a look at Billy Joel. "Piano Man" is also a song about a Saturday night at a bar. It also features some of the most genius lyrics of all time. Instead of "there's a guy playing piano and drinking a beer," "the piano sounds like a carnival, and the microphone smells like a beer." The old man doesn't get nostalgic about when there were "31 candles on his cake," but rather "when [he] wore a younger man's clothes." And it doesn't get more poetic than "they're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone."
You're a country singer- the ugly, abandoned step-child of the bard. At least pretend like you know what the word "poetry" means.
Song: Love Story
Artist: Taylor Swift
Brief Description: Starts with a plucking acoustic solo. This sounds like every female vocalist who's had any modicum of fame while my sisters have grown up and listened to the radio (Vanessa Carlton, JoJo, Michelle Branch, et al).
Comparable Song(s) that I like: [Blank stare]
Why I hate it: Theme of hatred #3: Predictability. Ok, the formula has proven to sell. I get it. Many find it enjoyable, if not palatable. Fine. But in this short session of shit, I have gotten to the point where I have predicted drum fills, guitar riffs, key changes, and even lyrics. I am not a musician. This is a problem.
Song: I Can Sleep When I'm Dead
Artist: John Michael Carroll
Why I hate it: YES!!!! This is it! This is the end! It's got everything that I hate and I can finally liberate myself from this hell. It starts with a kitschy low voice and the chorus is obnoxiously high. And then it alternates! And here again we see the rogue, wandering, rough neck man trope that is all too common. Look at these fuckin' lyrics:
If there's somethin' goin' on within a hundred miles from home,
Ya gonna hear my V-8 sing
Long as I can beat the train and they got a passing lane,
Baby, I ain't gonna miss a thing
Life's too fun and I'm too young and the night ain't over yet
Like I said I can sleep when I'm dead
First off - - bullshit. There's no way anything all that interesting is going on within 100 miles of home every night; there's just not that much within 100 miles of your home in most of this country (coastal regions notwithstanding). I often drive more than 4 hours at a time throughout the Midwest and I don't pass anything that even resembles the sort of urban area where something would be going on. Your just lying to me, and I don't take kindly to that.
And why are we still so obsessed with trains in country music? Is it because they're easy to rhyme with? I understand the role of the train in 19th century America for the artist, but aren't we a little past that? And if you're a songwriter, don't you think we could get a little better at rhyming? I've got a sister in 1st grade who could tell you a thing or two about rhyming with "train."
I must walk away from what I fear has drawn me in too deeply. I'll boil this down to my three points:
Country music is...
1) Musically unappealing. High vocals; twang; predictable, major chords; no virtuosity. Why bother? Not that this is any different with mainstream pop music, but then again, I don't listen to mainstream pop music either.
2) Where mundane shit abounds. I don't need to hear about you Tuesday afternoon.
3) Predictable. Everything sounds exactly the same. As far as I can gather, there are three types of country songs: the sappy girl-singing love song; the sappy boy-singing love song, and the up-beat, always-sung-by-a-man song about traveling or drinking.
And there you have it. Everything you need to know about country music. Any questions?
Friday, June 5, 2009
Three One Two Four Five
8:30 – This summer, with the job I have, I get to work overnight if I want to. I’m actually doing that right now. It’s not so busy here; there was maybe a half hour’s worth of work to do when I go in, but that’s mostly done, leaving me free to write this nonsense and watch the discovery channel, at least until the Lakers Magic game comes on. Consider this a live blog of a 7pm-7am shift.
I don’t especially care about the NBA; the finals aren’t all that compelling, and I don’t have a rooting interest. I guess it would be cool for Jameer Nelson to win an NBA title, he’s a good guy, it seems. Though it would have been a lot cooler had he won an NCAA Championship. Fucking Oklahoma State. But beyond him, I don’t care about anyone playing anymore, I’m even pretty ambivalent towards Kobe.
All this talk about Kobe’s legacy is boring as hell. Honestly, I couldn’t care less about it, or NBA history in general. There’s very little of interest there; I have no idea how Bill Simmons managed to put together a 700 page book on the subject. It’s not like baseball history, which is incredible. Basketball history is essentially Naismith, Wilt getting laid, the Celtics winning titles, that all-star game where the players refused to play, Kareem, Bird, Magic, MJ, and then present day. I feel like you could pick any decade since like 1890 (maybe excluding the 80s) and there would be more interesting baseball stuff in that ten year period than in the entire history of the NBA.
I moved last weekend and I’m happy that’s done. Moving three people’s stuff in one day just in not a good idea. But the new place is cool. You should come by.
8:54 – National Anthem in LA. The guy is doing a good job, but honestly I prefer just an instrumental version. Regardless, America is amazing. The other day I actually made a list of the greatest Americans in history, and I was going to write about them all and crap, but since the only internet I have is intermittent wireless that reaches from the school I just kinda lost interest. Anyway, here’s the top five: Andrew Jackson, Jim Morrison, Neil Armstrong, Ted Williams, and Mark Twain. This is indisputable; if you disagree I can only presume that you support the terrorists. You’re either with us or against us.
9:03 – Quick flurry of work. Not really much, it took like four minutes and now it’s over, just in time for tip off. I think that Andrew Bynum is going to break out this series, and just annihilate Howard. I don’t like Howard. He’s an absolute beast, and he’s probably known he was bound for the NBA since like middle school. He should have been practicing his foul shots.
9:14 – We have an incredible soda machine here. Like half the time it gives you two cans. Incredible. Maybe this is why the city’s budget is so fucked up. Also, I’m clearly not an economist.
9:24 – Just printed out some guy’s criminal record. It was so many pages I had to use one of those black clip things instead of a paper clip. The guy was committing crimes all over the country, a really serious criminal. Maybe we need like some sort of 18 strike law or something to lock this guy up forever. Unrelated, except for the word strike, but Sandy Koufax twice struck out the side on nine pitches. Only two other players have done it twice. The first time Koufax did it was actually the first inning of his no hitter. Pure dominance.
9:30 – I brought a book to read in case things get really boring and slow: High Fidelity, by Nick Hornby. Being able to read is one of the coolest things about not being in school. After this I’m going to read Choke, by Chuck Palahniuk, Stonehenge, by Bernard Cornwell, and some book on the history of chess that my roommate has the looks interesting. The last book I finished was The King’s Commission, by Dewey Lambdin. It was ok, good enough for me to want to read the next one in the series.
9:45 – Still no work coming in. Come on people, commit some crimes. I just noticed that Nelson is in the game, and is killing it. Awesome. The Phils play in about 20 minutes, getting into the hard part of this road trip. They’ve won like six in a row, are 3.5 up in the Mets, and I feel like there isn’t a team in baseball that they can’t sweep. It’s an incredible team, and I like everyone on it. And now we actually have depth in our system. Happ and Bastardo have done well in the few starts they’ve had, we have a ton of corner outfielders, at all levels, Drabek just got promoted to AA and is flowing there, Carrasco still has great stuff despite struggling this year, and I still have hope for Lou Marson and Joe Savery. Maybe we’ll even move some of these guys to acquire a co-ace. I know it won’t happen, but I’d love to see Ruben bring Roy Halladay to CBP.
10:11 – Oh man, I’m so pumped. I just got back inside from running laps around the CJC, (aside: that bing.com commercial was intense and impressive) trying to burn off some of the enthusiasm-driven energy. Why am I so pumped up? Because I just saw a commercial for the new GI Joe movie. It even had some stuff that wasn’t in the trailers I’ve seen. And holy shit, it looks incredible. Obviously there’s going to be a ton of ass-kicking. I mean, come on, it’s GI Joe. But the great thing about GI Joe, and I really hope the movie handles it well, is how cool the characters are, both the good guys and the bad.
My favorite GI Joe of all time is actually a member of Cobra: Firefly. I doubt he’ll be in this movie, but I would like to see him in a sequel. Dude’s incredible. He’s a demolition expert, great at blowing shit up. He’s a sneaky motherfucker too. But when the GI Joe’s spot him, that’s bad news too, cause he’ll kick their asses. He can fight Snake Eyes to a draw. Also, his action figure is the coolest.
10:31 – Gerber and I are going to write a movie. It’s only in the embryonic stages now, but I can tell it’s going to be great. Look for us to be winning Oscars in 2013.
10:49 – The undergrad intern just left, peacing ten minutes early. There really isn’t anything to do. Also, Kobe is going to sweep the Magic. Penguins won tonight. Fuck them.
11:03 – Doing some busy work. People need to stop being criminals. It’s not cool. But I dunno, I can’t help but feel it’s not all their fault. Not to make excuses, cause come on, stop it, but it’s remarkable how many of the defendants that come through here don’t have jobs. Also, it’s pretty absurd how much time and money is wasted prosecuting people for pretty minor drug offenses. We need to make some jobs and then just leave people alone if they’re not bothering anyone.
Some people, though, are just really fucked up, probably beyond any kind of help. Earlier this week some asshole took an eleven year old girl down some alley and raped her for like an hour. He should be gelded. Police named this guy as a person of interest, and offered a reward. This worked out pretty well: the guy was noticed in his neighborhood, and a bunch of people kicked the shit out of him. While this is pretty gratifying, vigilantism just isn’t a good thing. That group wasn’t the only posse stomping some guy in the name of justice; another group thought they were kicking and bludgeoning this same rapist, but it turned out to be the completely wrong guy. Oops.
11:34 – I really wish the Lakers weren’t killing the Magic so badly now, it would make my night less boring. 2008 World Series MVP Cole Hamels is locked in a pitchers’ duel against Clayton Kershaw, but as I write this Raaaaauuuuuuuuuuul Ibanez just belted an RBI double. Runners on 2nd and 3rd, one out, Pedro Feliz coming to bat. And the Dodgers are pulling Kershaw: 5.1 IP, 7H, 2ER, 5K.
11:40 – I think that maybe an alternate theory of the JFK assassination should be given some consideration. I’ve heard that Lee Harvey Oswald did not shoot Kennedy, and neither did anyone on a grassy knoll anywhere. There was certainly no magic bullet. No, some people are saying that the Secret Service shot JFK and that other guy. Why? Because they had just become zombies, having been very recently bitten. I’ve never seen anything or anyone saying that isn’t the case, so it must be true. Similarly, I’ve also never heard from anyone that Hillary Duff isn’t in to me, so I can only assume that that is equally true.
11:44 – The janitors are here now. I can’t stand the noise vacuum cleaners make. It’s worse than nails on a chalk board.
Randy Johnson won his 300th game tonight, topping the baseball juggernaut that is the Washington Nationals. Randy Johnson is pretty interesting. Obviously he’s a first ballot Hall of Famer, with huge K totals, and he was utterly dominant for a while, but for some reason I don’t think of him right away with Pedro, Maddux, and Clemens. I think part of it might be that he’s been pitching for so far past his peak, and completely reinvented himself. But he’s probably one of the five greatest lefthanders in history, with Koufax, Carlton, Waddell, and I don’t know, maybe Warren Spahn, Carl Hubbell, and Eddie Plank, who I’m almost positive is a lefty. Pretty elite. Slightly related, but did you know that of all the LHP starting pitchers in Cooperstown, the second lowest career ERA belongs to George Herman Ruth?
12:05 – The people at work are watching some show about stupid criminals. The FIghtin’s are up 3-0. Hamels is pitching really well, but has only struck out three through six. But he’s pitching a lot better than in his last start, so hopefully he’s good to go.
Albert Pujols is amazing. Is he top five first basemen of all time already? He’s definitely still behind Gehrig and Foxx, and probably Greenberg too. But I dunno, he could already be on a level with like Willie McCovey and Eddie Murray. And he’s still decently you, probably could play for another ten years. Damn.
12:16 – I’m bored. That’s all.
12:21 – Israel is probably funding the Somali pirates. If they’re not, they should. It’d be such a good move for them. It fucks with Egypt and all the Persian Gulf countries that don’t like Jews, and it brings an even greater American naval presence into the area. It’s a brilliant scheme.
Dave Holmes is on at least two TV shows. That amazes me, it’s two shows too many. Can we really not find anyone better? I think we can. Come on, America.
Most people write the letter “S” from top to bottom. I don’t, I go bottom to top. So does Winston, actually. It’s just more efficient that way, and writing flows better, left to right. What other letters do you end up going right to left? Pretty much only g, p, and y, and they’re fucked up because they go below the line. S’s should be written from bottom to top. Try it, it’s liberating.
12:42 – Phillies just won. Cole rocked the CG SO. 5K, 5H, fewer than 100 pitches. Ace. I doubt more than ten thousand people in LA know or care though, I guess LA had a bigger game tonight. Sometimes I think baseball would be more interesting had teams never moved to the West Coast, and things were a lot more regional, with just the east coast and the Midwest. The Royals could be like the westernmost team. That might be fun, so many rivalries all over the place. Hockey should have done the same thing, and not gone south of DC. Phoenix, really? Ugh, Gary Bettman.
12:55 – Approaching the halfway point. A nap would be huge. Going to go get food.
1:23 – Back to work. Well, not work. Can’t say that I’ve had an hour’s worth of work yet. Combined, the four of us here have done maybe two hours. We’ve also watched two full episodes of The Smoking Gun: World’s Dumbest Criminals. I can’t take this nonsense. What a terrible show.
2:39 – Long hour. Decent amount of work, actually. But that’s done, and now I guess it’s movie time. They put on The Strangers, something I really don’t have any desire to see. So far it’s not good. I don’t need to see people get stabbed. Rest assured, the movie I write with Dick will be better.
2:50 – I wish I had a five hour energy drink. This is clearly the perfect time for one. I know I’ve said it before, but it’s totally worthwhile to repeat: five hour energy is the best energy drink ever made. It’s what God drinks when He gets tired. Just amazing. There’s no crash. Seriously, Guarana has been holding us back for so long. This has rendered Rock Star, Monster, and Red Bull all obsolete.
3:01 – Four hours left. Less, even.
3:07 – People need to stop committing crimes. Everyone would benefit from it. Just be cool.
Since I’m doing this co-op nonsense, I have to go to class once a week for two hours at a time. It’s ridiculous. Including myself, there are four people in the class, plus the teacher. We don’t learn anything, just mostly sit and talk. We talked about what we thought about the first year of law school, other jobs we’ve had, bosses, and some other stuff. I don’t see how we’re supposed to be graded, and more importantly, I don’t see why I need to waste two hours a week. Whatever.
3:26 – Seriously, I can’t stress this enough: stop doing illegal things. It’s incredible, seeing some of these rap sheets that are like 80 pages long. Seriously, people in their fifties who’ve been committing crimes for decades, with no end in sight. I think part of the problem has to be how little jail time these fucks do. And we can’t put anyone in jail, because there’s no room. It’s absurd how fucked up this is. And also, a ton of paper gets wasted here. Pretty much not the most environmentally friendly working environment.
3:48 – Reading CNN.com. It’s an elite news source. So far, the high point has been a Sarah Palin quote from the political ticker, saying that Obama’s fiscal policies “defy economics 101.” If anyone would know, it’s Palin; community college Econ 101 is probably the extent of her economic education. God, she sucks. Second favorite is an article talking about how awesome all the shows on TNT are. TNT and CNN are, of course, owned by the same company. The news is awesome.
4:02 – I guess it’s time for the second half of tonight’s double feature; the guys who get paid to be here just put on Goodfellas. It’s a decent movie, much better than The Strangers. I just wish that Ray Liotta weren’t in it. Nothing against him, but I don’t see Henry Hill, I see Shoeless Joe Jackson. Third highest batting average of all time. He came up with the A’s and I wish he would have stayed in Philly playing his whole career for Connie Mack. He wouldn’t have been caught up in all that 1919 nonsense, and then who knows what he could have done. Challenge Ruth as biggest star of the 20s? Possible.
There are so many cool hypotheticals with baseball. What if Ted Williams had never missed time for two wars? What if Ty Cobb had tried to hit for power? How far would Matt Stairs hit a Walter Johnson fastball? What if Micky Mantle had been sober his whole career? How ridiculous would Satchel Paige’s numbers be if he hadn’t been stuck in the Negro Leagues? What about Josh Gibson? Sadaharu Of?
4:38 – No one writes kick ass songs about America anymore, and that sucks. We need like a God Bless America for this decade. And please don’t let it be a Toby Keith song.
Ok, more about books. Gatsby is pretty much held up as the book representative of the twenties. Same with Grapes of Wrath for the Thirties, Keroac for that era, you know. So what book is going to come to be considered to represent the 80s and 90s? Bright Lights, Big City is cool, written in the second person, but really isn’t that great a book. American Psycho nails that time period, but a whole lot of hookers get killed. Maybe Fight Club? Though the fighting and shit kinda overshadows a lot of that, especially in the movie. Also, Phillip Ross sucks, I’ve never been impressed with him. I’d say that Richard Russo is the best American novelist right now.
5:12 – So a couple weeks ago I wrote an all-star team of baseball movie characters. I was going to do the same for hockey, but there really isn’t enough for a full post. So I’ll put it here. The first line is Adam Banks centering Connor Banks and Ned Braden. Second line is Dean Youngblood, Stevie Weekes, and Gunner Stahl. Third line, my checking line, is the Hanson Brothers. First defensive pairing would be Reggie Dunlop and Tree, and the second would be Fulton Reed and John Beebee. Starting goalie is Julie the Cat Gaffney, backed up by the French Canadian guy that Keanu Reaves plays in Youngblood. It’s not a full roster because hockey movies just don’t have them.
5:40 – About an hour left. Goodfellas is still going strong, the Lufthansa heist just went down. I’m trying to decide if I want to walk home or pay the two dollars for the subway. If it’s not raining I’ll probably walk. Getting to wear jeans to work is great, way better than a suit.
6:10 – Wandered around for a little bit just now. Things are coming alive upstairs. Even down here people are starting to trickle in. More lights are on, printers are making noise, feet have come down off desks. Shit is getting serious. At least Goodfellas is still on. That Henry Hill is one traitorous bastard.
6:25 – I just saw a commercial for some sort of museum exhibit about Galileo and the Medici family. Also, work is pretty much wrapped up.
6:50 – The seven o’clock people are in now. Leaving.
I don’t especially care about the NBA; the finals aren’t all that compelling, and I don’t have a rooting interest. I guess it would be cool for Jameer Nelson to win an NBA title, he’s a good guy, it seems. Though it would have been a lot cooler had he won an NCAA Championship. Fucking Oklahoma State. But beyond him, I don’t care about anyone playing anymore, I’m even pretty ambivalent towards Kobe.
All this talk about Kobe’s legacy is boring as hell. Honestly, I couldn’t care less about it, or NBA history in general. There’s very little of interest there; I have no idea how Bill Simmons managed to put together a 700 page book on the subject. It’s not like baseball history, which is incredible. Basketball history is essentially Naismith, Wilt getting laid, the Celtics winning titles, that all-star game where the players refused to play, Kareem, Bird, Magic, MJ, and then present day. I feel like you could pick any decade since like 1890 (maybe excluding the 80s) and there would be more interesting baseball stuff in that ten year period than in the entire history of the NBA.
I moved last weekend and I’m happy that’s done. Moving three people’s stuff in one day just in not a good idea. But the new place is cool. You should come by.
8:54 – National Anthem in LA. The guy is doing a good job, but honestly I prefer just an instrumental version. Regardless, America is amazing. The other day I actually made a list of the greatest Americans in history, and I was going to write about them all and crap, but since the only internet I have is intermittent wireless that reaches from the school I just kinda lost interest. Anyway, here’s the top five: Andrew Jackson, Jim Morrison, Neil Armstrong, Ted Williams, and Mark Twain. This is indisputable; if you disagree I can only presume that you support the terrorists. You’re either with us or against us.
9:03 – Quick flurry of work. Not really much, it took like four minutes and now it’s over, just in time for tip off. I think that Andrew Bynum is going to break out this series, and just annihilate Howard. I don’t like Howard. He’s an absolute beast, and he’s probably known he was bound for the NBA since like middle school. He should have been practicing his foul shots.
9:14 – We have an incredible soda machine here. Like half the time it gives you two cans. Incredible. Maybe this is why the city’s budget is so fucked up. Also, I’m clearly not an economist.
9:24 – Just printed out some guy’s criminal record. It was so many pages I had to use one of those black clip things instead of a paper clip. The guy was committing crimes all over the country, a really serious criminal. Maybe we need like some sort of 18 strike law or something to lock this guy up forever. Unrelated, except for the word strike, but Sandy Koufax twice struck out the side on nine pitches. Only two other players have done it twice. The first time Koufax did it was actually the first inning of his no hitter. Pure dominance.
9:30 – I brought a book to read in case things get really boring and slow: High Fidelity, by Nick Hornby. Being able to read is one of the coolest things about not being in school. After this I’m going to read Choke, by Chuck Palahniuk, Stonehenge, by Bernard Cornwell, and some book on the history of chess that my roommate has the looks interesting. The last book I finished was The King’s Commission, by Dewey Lambdin. It was ok, good enough for me to want to read the next one in the series.
9:45 – Still no work coming in. Come on people, commit some crimes. I just noticed that Nelson is in the game, and is killing it. Awesome. The Phils play in about 20 minutes, getting into the hard part of this road trip. They’ve won like six in a row, are 3.5 up in the Mets, and I feel like there isn’t a team in baseball that they can’t sweep. It’s an incredible team, and I like everyone on it. And now we actually have depth in our system. Happ and Bastardo have done well in the few starts they’ve had, we have a ton of corner outfielders, at all levels, Drabek just got promoted to AA and is flowing there, Carrasco still has great stuff despite struggling this year, and I still have hope for Lou Marson and Joe Savery. Maybe we’ll even move some of these guys to acquire a co-ace. I know it won’t happen, but I’d love to see Ruben bring Roy Halladay to CBP.
10:11 – Oh man, I’m so pumped. I just got back inside from running laps around the CJC, (aside: that bing.com commercial was intense and impressive) trying to burn off some of the enthusiasm-driven energy. Why am I so pumped up? Because I just saw a commercial for the new GI Joe movie. It even had some stuff that wasn’t in the trailers I’ve seen. And holy shit, it looks incredible. Obviously there’s going to be a ton of ass-kicking. I mean, come on, it’s GI Joe. But the great thing about GI Joe, and I really hope the movie handles it well, is how cool the characters are, both the good guys and the bad.
My favorite GI Joe of all time is actually a member of Cobra: Firefly. I doubt he’ll be in this movie, but I would like to see him in a sequel. Dude’s incredible. He’s a demolition expert, great at blowing shit up. He’s a sneaky motherfucker too. But when the GI Joe’s spot him, that’s bad news too, cause he’ll kick their asses. He can fight Snake Eyes to a draw. Also, his action figure is the coolest.
10:31 – Gerber and I are going to write a movie. It’s only in the embryonic stages now, but I can tell it’s going to be great. Look for us to be winning Oscars in 2013.
10:49 – The undergrad intern just left, peacing ten minutes early. There really isn’t anything to do. Also, Kobe is going to sweep the Magic. Penguins won tonight. Fuck them.
11:03 – Doing some busy work. People need to stop being criminals. It’s not cool. But I dunno, I can’t help but feel it’s not all their fault. Not to make excuses, cause come on, stop it, but it’s remarkable how many of the defendants that come through here don’t have jobs. Also, it’s pretty absurd how much time and money is wasted prosecuting people for pretty minor drug offenses. We need to make some jobs and then just leave people alone if they’re not bothering anyone.
Some people, though, are just really fucked up, probably beyond any kind of help. Earlier this week some asshole took an eleven year old girl down some alley and raped her for like an hour. He should be gelded. Police named this guy as a person of interest, and offered a reward. This worked out pretty well: the guy was noticed in his neighborhood, and a bunch of people kicked the shit out of him. While this is pretty gratifying, vigilantism just isn’t a good thing. That group wasn’t the only posse stomping some guy in the name of justice; another group thought they were kicking and bludgeoning this same rapist, but it turned out to be the completely wrong guy. Oops.
11:34 – I really wish the Lakers weren’t killing the Magic so badly now, it would make my night less boring. 2008 World Series MVP Cole Hamels is locked in a pitchers’ duel against Clayton Kershaw, but as I write this Raaaaauuuuuuuuuuul Ibanez just belted an RBI double. Runners on 2nd and 3rd, one out, Pedro Feliz coming to bat. And the Dodgers are pulling Kershaw: 5.1 IP, 7H, 2ER, 5K.
11:40 – I think that maybe an alternate theory of the JFK assassination should be given some consideration. I’ve heard that Lee Harvey Oswald did not shoot Kennedy, and neither did anyone on a grassy knoll anywhere. There was certainly no magic bullet. No, some people are saying that the Secret Service shot JFK and that other guy. Why? Because they had just become zombies, having been very recently bitten. I’ve never seen anything or anyone saying that isn’t the case, so it must be true. Similarly, I’ve also never heard from anyone that Hillary Duff isn’t in to me, so I can only assume that that is equally true.
11:44 – The janitors are here now. I can’t stand the noise vacuum cleaners make. It’s worse than nails on a chalk board.
Randy Johnson won his 300th game tonight, topping the baseball juggernaut that is the Washington Nationals. Randy Johnson is pretty interesting. Obviously he’s a first ballot Hall of Famer, with huge K totals, and he was utterly dominant for a while, but for some reason I don’t think of him right away with Pedro, Maddux, and Clemens. I think part of it might be that he’s been pitching for so far past his peak, and completely reinvented himself. But he’s probably one of the five greatest lefthanders in history, with Koufax, Carlton, Waddell, and I don’t know, maybe Warren Spahn, Carl Hubbell, and Eddie Plank, who I’m almost positive is a lefty. Pretty elite. Slightly related, but did you know that of all the LHP starting pitchers in Cooperstown, the second lowest career ERA belongs to George Herman Ruth?
12:05 – The people at work are watching some show about stupid criminals. The FIghtin’s are up 3-0. Hamels is pitching really well, but has only struck out three through six. But he’s pitching a lot better than in his last start, so hopefully he’s good to go.
Albert Pujols is amazing. Is he top five first basemen of all time already? He’s definitely still behind Gehrig and Foxx, and probably Greenberg too. But I dunno, he could already be on a level with like Willie McCovey and Eddie Murray. And he’s still decently you, probably could play for another ten years. Damn.
12:16 – I’m bored. That’s all.
12:21 – Israel is probably funding the Somali pirates. If they’re not, they should. It’d be such a good move for them. It fucks with Egypt and all the Persian Gulf countries that don’t like Jews, and it brings an even greater American naval presence into the area. It’s a brilliant scheme.
Dave Holmes is on at least two TV shows. That amazes me, it’s two shows too many. Can we really not find anyone better? I think we can. Come on, America.
Most people write the letter “S” from top to bottom. I don’t, I go bottom to top. So does Winston, actually. It’s just more efficient that way, and writing flows better, left to right. What other letters do you end up going right to left? Pretty much only g, p, and y, and they’re fucked up because they go below the line. S’s should be written from bottom to top. Try it, it’s liberating.
12:42 – Phillies just won. Cole rocked the CG SO. 5K, 5H, fewer than 100 pitches. Ace. I doubt more than ten thousand people in LA know or care though, I guess LA had a bigger game tonight. Sometimes I think baseball would be more interesting had teams never moved to the West Coast, and things were a lot more regional, with just the east coast and the Midwest. The Royals could be like the westernmost team. That might be fun, so many rivalries all over the place. Hockey should have done the same thing, and not gone south of DC. Phoenix, really? Ugh, Gary Bettman.
12:55 – Approaching the halfway point. A nap would be huge. Going to go get food.
1:23 – Back to work. Well, not work. Can’t say that I’ve had an hour’s worth of work yet. Combined, the four of us here have done maybe two hours. We’ve also watched two full episodes of The Smoking Gun: World’s Dumbest Criminals. I can’t take this nonsense. What a terrible show.
2:39 – Long hour. Decent amount of work, actually. But that’s done, and now I guess it’s movie time. They put on The Strangers, something I really don’t have any desire to see. So far it’s not good. I don’t need to see people get stabbed. Rest assured, the movie I write with Dick will be better.
2:50 – I wish I had a five hour energy drink. This is clearly the perfect time for one. I know I’ve said it before, but it’s totally worthwhile to repeat: five hour energy is the best energy drink ever made. It’s what God drinks when He gets tired. Just amazing. There’s no crash. Seriously, Guarana has been holding us back for so long. This has rendered Rock Star, Monster, and Red Bull all obsolete.
3:01 – Four hours left. Less, even.
3:07 – People need to stop committing crimes. Everyone would benefit from it. Just be cool.
Since I’m doing this co-op nonsense, I have to go to class once a week for two hours at a time. It’s ridiculous. Including myself, there are four people in the class, plus the teacher. We don’t learn anything, just mostly sit and talk. We talked about what we thought about the first year of law school, other jobs we’ve had, bosses, and some other stuff. I don’t see how we’re supposed to be graded, and more importantly, I don’t see why I need to waste two hours a week. Whatever.
3:26 – Seriously, I can’t stress this enough: stop doing illegal things. It’s incredible, seeing some of these rap sheets that are like 80 pages long. Seriously, people in their fifties who’ve been committing crimes for decades, with no end in sight. I think part of the problem has to be how little jail time these fucks do. And we can’t put anyone in jail, because there’s no room. It’s absurd how fucked up this is. And also, a ton of paper gets wasted here. Pretty much not the most environmentally friendly working environment.
3:48 – Reading CNN.com. It’s an elite news source. So far, the high point has been a Sarah Palin quote from the political ticker, saying that Obama’s fiscal policies “defy economics 101.” If anyone would know, it’s Palin; community college Econ 101 is probably the extent of her economic education. God, she sucks. Second favorite is an article talking about how awesome all the shows on TNT are. TNT and CNN are, of course, owned by the same company. The news is awesome.
4:02 – I guess it’s time for the second half of tonight’s double feature; the guys who get paid to be here just put on Goodfellas. It’s a decent movie, much better than The Strangers. I just wish that Ray Liotta weren’t in it. Nothing against him, but I don’t see Henry Hill, I see Shoeless Joe Jackson. Third highest batting average of all time. He came up with the A’s and I wish he would have stayed in Philly playing his whole career for Connie Mack. He wouldn’t have been caught up in all that 1919 nonsense, and then who knows what he could have done. Challenge Ruth as biggest star of the 20s? Possible.
There are so many cool hypotheticals with baseball. What if Ted Williams had never missed time for two wars? What if Ty Cobb had tried to hit for power? How far would Matt Stairs hit a Walter Johnson fastball? What if Micky Mantle had been sober his whole career? How ridiculous would Satchel Paige’s numbers be if he hadn’t been stuck in the Negro Leagues? What about Josh Gibson? Sadaharu Of?
4:38 – No one writes kick ass songs about America anymore, and that sucks. We need like a God Bless America for this decade. And please don’t let it be a Toby Keith song.
Ok, more about books. Gatsby is pretty much held up as the book representative of the twenties. Same with Grapes of Wrath for the Thirties, Keroac for that era, you know. So what book is going to come to be considered to represent the 80s and 90s? Bright Lights, Big City is cool, written in the second person, but really isn’t that great a book. American Psycho nails that time period, but a whole lot of hookers get killed. Maybe Fight Club? Though the fighting and shit kinda overshadows a lot of that, especially in the movie. Also, Phillip Ross sucks, I’ve never been impressed with him. I’d say that Richard Russo is the best American novelist right now.
5:12 – So a couple weeks ago I wrote an all-star team of baseball movie characters. I was going to do the same for hockey, but there really isn’t enough for a full post. So I’ll put it here. The first line is Adam Banks centering Connor Banks and Ned Braden. Second line is Dean Youngblood, Stevie Weekes, and Gunner Stahl. Third line, my checking line, is the Hanson Brothers. First defensive pairing would be Reggie Dunlop and Tree, and the second would be Fulton Reed and John Beebee. Starting goalie is Julie the Cat Gaffney, backed up by the French Canadian guy that Keanu Reaves plays in Youngblood. It’s not a full roster because hockey movies just don’t have them.
5:40 – About an hour left. Goodfellas is still going strong, the Lufthansa heist just went down. I’m trying to decide if I want to walk home or pay the two dollars for the subway. If it’s not raining I’ll probably walk. Getting to wear jeans to work is great, way better than a suit.
6:10 – Wandered around for a little bit just now. Things are coming alive upstairs. Even down here people are starting to trickle in. More lights are on, printers are making noise, feet have come down off desks. Shit is getting serious. At least Goodfellas is still on. That Henry Hill is one traitorous bastard.
6:25 – I just saw a commercial for some sort of museum exhibit about Galileo and the Medici family. Also, work is pretty much wrapped up.
6:50 – The seven o’clock people are in now. Leaving.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Today on CNN: Morons!
Like every day, really. But this is a new low, even for this reputable news source.
Sierra Journey Factor is 8 and has spinal muscular atrophy, which essentially means that her musculature is decaying. Depending on severity (and the accuracy of the doctors at Wikipedia on whom I rely for all my medical advice) patients can either die in infancy or live to old age, which I suppose is also true of every person who has ever lived.
In order to combat this disease, Sierra's family has decided to fly to China so that Sierra can be injected with stem cells at the bargain basement rate of $26,500 (not to mention the $25,000 they expect to spend on travel and lodging).
According to Sierra's mom: "We are really walking into this blindfolded. It's scary, but everybody says it's so nice over there."
They got all of their information from a website called chinastemcellnews.com, which containts testimonials about the practice. It is also the leading home for grifting Snake Oil Salesman in the 21st century.
I mean come on, people! Would I pay $50,000 to improve the quality of life for my kid? Absolutely! Would I pay $50,000 for a Chinese quack to inject my daughter with medicine not currently used in America, solely because people said they were "nice"? Hell fuckin' no.
And nice?! What's "nice" about this?!
Sierra Journey Factor is 8 and has spinal muscular atrophy, which essentially means that her musculature is decaying. Depending on severity (and the accuracy of the doctors at Wikipedia on whom I rely for all my medical advice) patients can either die in infancy or live to old age, which I suppose is also true of every person who has ever lived.
In order to combat this disease, Sierra's family has decided to fly to China so that Sierra can be injected with stem cells at the bargain basement rate of $26,500 (not to mention the $25,000 they expect to spend on travel and lodging).
According to Sierra's mom: "We are really walking into this blindfolded. It's scary, but everybody says it's so nice over there."
They got all of their information from a website called chinastemcellnews.com, which containts testimonials about the practice. It is also the leading home for grifting Snake Oil Salesman in the 21st century.
I mean come on, people! Would I pay $50,000 to improve the quality of life for my kid? Absolutely! Would I pay $50,000 for a Chinese quack to inject my daughter with medicine not currently used in America, solely because people said they were "nice"? Hell fuckin' no.
And nice?! What's "nice" about this?!
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