Greatness: A treatise

This is old, but it's been requested, so I figured I would throw it up here. I wrote it about three years ago, but some of it is still good. Part of it was slightly modernized.

Hockey is a sport steeped in history and tradition. Many greats have left their mark on the game; Mario Lemieux, Maurice “the Rocket” Richard, Bobby Orr, and Bernie Parent are all enshrined in the sport’s Hall of Fame. But one player, over the span of his career, has not only carried on the legacy of past hockey immortals, but has surpassed them in every facet of the game. This player, this legend, if you will, is unequivocally the best hockey player of all time; he could skate, he could shoot with power and accuracy, he had amazing vision, he could dance through any number of defensemen, and above all he always found a way to win. His number, 99, is immediately associated with him in the minds of all who saw him play. I am speaking, of course, about Adam Banks.

Banks, commonly called “Banksy” and “Cake-eater” by his friends and teammates, rose from humble beginnings in Minneapolis, Minnesota. His father was a douche, and his mother was largely absent, eschewing early morning practices and cross-state drives through snow and rain and heat and gloom of night. But Adam struggled through all this, like a professional struggler in the prime of his struggling career, and eventually won a spot on the most prestigious peewee hockey team in Minnesota, the Hawks. The Hawks are a storied peewee franchise, and many greats have left their mark on the rafters of the Hawks’ arena, most notably Gordon Bombay. But Adam Banks was something special; taking Coach Riley’s tutelage to heart, Banks lived by the saying, “It’s not worth winning if you can’t win big.” And win big is exactly what Banks did. He tore through the competition, averaging two hat tricks a game. But then tragedy struck! Or was it merely opportunity knocking? Hmm…

Midway through the 1992 season a recent redistricting of the peewee hockey districts was brought to light. Minnesota had been gerrymandered! Well, as you might expect, the Hawks were gutted. And by that I basically mean that they lost their heart and soul. Heart and soul being code for best player. And best player representing Adam Banks. Yes, Adam Banks. You see, he should not have even been on the Hawks at all that season; he should have been on the Ducks of District Five. The change would be dramatic for Banks, as his new teammates didn’t accept him initially, and because the district was nothing more than a cesspool of fecal matter and the tears of infants. But banks was able to lift the team onto his back and carry them to a State Championship, beating the Hawks. He was even so humble in doing so that he let his coach, the aforementioned Gordon Bombay, take the majority of the credit and the nickname. Yes, it’s true: Adam Banks is the real Minnesota Miracle Man.

Having conquered youth hockey in the state of Minnesota Banks took the next logical step: conquering youth hockey the world over. So he anonymously penned an epistle to President Bill Clinton, Mother Theresa, and Bill Watterson, calling for the Junior Goodwill Games to be brought back. And when a letter is sent anonymously, people act. These three specific people, known throughout Norse mythology as the Legion of Doom (apologies to Mikael Renberg), quickly organized the event, obtaining corporate sponsorship from Hendrix Sporting Goods. Adam Banks was, naturally, selected to represent the United States, along with the majority of his peewee team, even though they were just a bunch of freeloaders piggybacking on Banks; surreal, sublime talent. Speaking of sublime talent, these games would be the first time that Banks played against Gunner Stahl, pretty much the Icelandic Adam Banks. Except not as good and Adam Banks, because Banksy is the best. Well, with scouts in attendance, Banks and Stahl did not disappoint, showing why they had been projected to go first and second in the NHL draft since before they turned four. Banks and Stahl led their teams on romps through the competition, with Stahl leading the tournament in scoring, and Banks leading it in both awesomeness and the ability to come back from an injury, hold a hockey stick, and say, “no pain.” Adam Banks truly lived by the same credo as Dalton in Roadhose, “pain don’t hurt.” Yes, it was during the Junior Goodwill Games that Adam Banks became invincible. Hockey legends don’t die, they just fade away.

In this single most dramatic game in sports history (choke on that, Mike Eruzione), the Banks-led team USA and the Stahl-led team Iceland clashed. It was a battle of titans, with Iceland jumping out to an early lead. After two periods the Ducks trailed by three. But then Banks had the brilliant idea to knit new Ducks jerseys for everyone on the team, and accomplished this before the second intermission ended. Team USA came out super fired up, all because of Adam Banks. But Banks wasn’t done there, not by a long shot. Just to prove that he could, he found a way to have a four foot tall figure skater score, cutting the deficit by one. Then, because the thousands in attendance and billions watching at home wanted to see him put on a show, Banks embarrassed the entire Iceland team, netting a spectacular goal. Down only by one, Banks was looking for a real challenge. On a bet from Michael Oliwakandi, Banks took the less funny star of Nickelodeon’s Kenan and Kel and had him send the game into overtime. The only thing that Banks regrets about all this is how much Kenan Thompson and SNL suck right now.

The shootout was far and away the most epic in the history of ever. Peter Forsberg’s Olympic goal in 1994 may have been put on a stamp (in Sweden, so it barely counts), but Adam Banks’ is engraved in the memories of a generation. After four shooters, Iceland and the US were tied with three goals apiece. Jesse Hall had beaten the Icelandic goalie, though Dwayne Robertson had been stopped. Greg Goldberg looked ordinary at best in goal for the US. As the crowd tensed with tension and anticipation, Adam Banks skated to center ice. His face was impassive, to him this was nothing. He knew he wouldn’t choke, he’s never even worn a Mets hat/ While thinking about whether he would next learn to fly or stick to walls, Banks skated in on goal, deked the goalie, and deftly deposited the puck into the net. The crowd erupted in cheers, while Banks calmly composed a sonnet in his head about the wonders of alliteration. The US was up by one. Iceland had just one shooter left: Gunner Stahl. But Adam Banks wasn’t worried, he had a plan. While no one was looking, Banks quickly threw on goalie pads, stole Julie Gaffney’s jersey, took her spot on the bench, and waited. He knew what was coming. Coach Bombay, moved undoubtedly by the awesomeness permeating from Banks, decided to change goalies, going with Julie the Cat. Or so everyone thought. In reality, she was lying facedown in the tunnel to the dressing room. She wouldn’t be standing in the way of greatness. So Bombay turns to Banks and tells him to get in goal, and that Stahl will go glove side. Pretending to be nervous, Banks asked what if Stahl didn’t go glove side, despite knowing all along that “He’s fancy, he’ll go glove side.” Well, of course, Banks made the save, won the tournament for his country, and skated the American flag around the ice. Truly a monumental achievement. Everyone soon filed off the ice, and a celebration began in the locker room. The Secretary General of the United Nations came to present Banks with a plaque. The inscription said, “This is presented in recognition of the supreme greatness of Adam Banks, a giant among men. The best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.”

But Banks was nowhere to be found. To him the accolades meant nothing, the praise and awards were meaningless and empty. To Banks all that mattered was the game.