Finals Interruption

So I’ve been mired in finals for the last week or so, and the end is nowhere in sight. It’s a pretty miserable experience; torts was yesterday, and property is Friday. (As an aside, I really don’t know if torts should be handled as a singular or plural word. Like, I know that when you commit multiple torts it’s obviously plural, but what about referring to torts class? I’ve been struggling with this for a couple months. Do I say “torts sucks” or “torts suck?”) Finding time to write here has been tough, but since I’ve already done a lot for Friday I figured I would find some time to share some of the things I’ve been thinking about.

First of all, Mike Vick is getting out of jail soon, and I would love for him to end up on the Eagles. My dream scenario would be for the Birds to sign him and draft Tebow, and then run a double wildcat option formation. Just have both Vick and Tebow out on the field at the same time, with Westbrook too, and defenses wouldn’t know where the snap was going. Defenses would be paralyzed, and it would be so much fun to watch. Also, it would mean that McNabb is playing somewhere else, which is definitely a plus.

I watched President Obama’s press conference the other night, and thought he did a really good job pointing out how retarded some of the criticisms of the stimulus package are. I’m really afraid that he’s just too smart to be President, and people just aren’t going to get him. Also, how is it a story when he hits his head getting into his helicopter? Was it really necessary for Drudge to have it up, with a picture, for like two days? Let’s be honest here, I’m pretty sure that Andrew Card had Bush wear a helmet in the Oval Office for the last eight years.

There’s a lot of pressure in picking a team name for a keeper fantasy baseball league. Because it’s going to be around for years, current event references don’t really work. I’m torn between doing something sorta timeless, like Waddell Fire Co., or throwing out some absurd prediction of something that I think may happen five years down the line. I’m probably going to spend more time thinking about this than I am a draft strategy.

I guess it was last week when some crazy woman, Nadya Suleman, had another eight babies, bringing her total to fourteen. She needs to be sterilized, for the sake of humanity. Obviously she has a publicist, and will probably make a ton of money off of people who for some reason think that a book of her parenting tips would be worthwhile, but she’s really just going to fuck up 14 kids’ lives. She’s an uncomfortably weird woman.

I would like to take this paragraph to write an open statement to the residents of Coatesville. Stop lighting shit on fire. It’s really not a good idea; there’s no reason to burn someone’s house down. Doing it more than twenty times is ridiculous. So seriously, stop it.

A-Rod took steroids. Meh. All this talk of Hall of Fame exclusion is ridiculous. So he took steroids to gain a competitive advantage. Babe Ruth got a competitive advantage by not having to play against any black or Latino players. Maybe we should limit the Hall of Fame to players who played between 1947 and expansion in the ‘60s, because after like 1962 the talent pool became diluted. Or maybe that’s as bad an idea as keeping steroid users out of the Hall; everyone was doing it, Bud Selig didn’t care, it happened, it’s part of baseball history, it should be recognized in Cooperstown.

It really bothers me when something that sucks has a really cool name. For instance, I really like the word flowchart, it’s a great word. Actual flowcharts kinda suck though. Same thing with chinchillas. Chinchilla is a phenomenal word, it’s fun to say and to write. But actual chinchillas suck, they’re terrible animals. And I hate when people say that they’re pets. There’s one rule for whether something is a pet or not: if it can save a child from a burning building. If an animal can’t rescue a child from a fire, it’s not a pet, it’s merely an animal that you’re saving from being eaten by a bigger animal.

I’m ridiculously jealous of my younger brother’s tenth grade English class, they’re able to read some really cool things. Obviously they’re doing stuff that everyone does, like Gatsby and the Odyssey, but they’re also doing modern fiction. Last semester he got to read and do a presentation on I Love You, Beth Cooper, and this semester he could have done a research paper on Michael Chabon’s stuff. Even though it’s a little unwieldy at times, and parts of it definitely could have been cut, The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay is a great novel. This doesn’t seem fair when I think about my last high school English class. Writing a paper on the weather in Ethan Frome? A third grader could have done that, why was it assigned in an AP class? Probably for the same reason that we spent 7 days reading Slaughterhouse-Five aloud in class; I wasn’t upset when I hear that teacher got fired. Dumbass.

Bret Favre says he’s retiring. I don’t believe him.

A kid in my class has an interesting idea: what if we experiment with zombieism to the point that we can learn how it works, and use it. Like, we take the aspects of zombieism that make someone indestructible, but exclude the brain-eating impulses and stuff: we could unlock immortality. I think that scientists need to focus more on this; if all of the funding that is going to AIDS and cancer research went to this, we would be set, and there wouldn’t be a loss, because AIDS and cancer can’t kill someone rendered invincible by partial zombieism.

Speaking of zombies, somebody wrote this book, and it’s gotta be awesome. Yep, he took the text of Pride and Prejudice and wrote zombies into the story. I think that this might be the future of literature, as so many books could be improved by adding a few zombies. What if they had to fight zombies on the Pequod, or Nurse Ratched was a zombie, and her brain obsession led to McMurphy’s lobotomy? I really think that this could be the future of literature.

So that asshole still won’t admit that the Holocaust happened. He won’t go to Auschwitz, but is willing to study the scientific evidence and may possibly change his mind. This guy strikes me as pretty anti-Semitic, even quoting St. Paul’s statement that the Jews “are our enemies for the sake of the gospel.” What the hell? What possible benefit could there be for having this guy back in the Church? What an awful decision.

Finally, PECOTA has predicted that the Mets will win the NL East this year. They made the same prediction last year. If you’re wondering how that went, I’ll let Chase Utley enlighten you: